Your Mess Is Mine
by Unleashthefalcon
Summary: Hayley O'Connor is struggling to deal with the trauma of losing her brother on the battlefield while Steve Rogers has awoken after the war 70 years later in a new age without his loved ones. Maybe the best way to deal with your problems are to help someone else with their own.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm not going to therapy Blake,"

"You've got no choice O'Connor," Blake fought back in a tone that mimicked his friend's.

Hayley O'Connor hit against the bag in front of her with all force she had in her body. With that final hit, she turned from the bag and wiped the back of her hand over her sweaty forehead. Her brown hair was pulled back into a high pony tail but a few strands fell out and were matted onto her skin, itching her just above her eyebrow and she picked up a bottle of water.

The subject of therapy had been a touchy one for about a month now, but her answer was the same every time it was suggested. However if she wanted to get back in the field, she really didn't have a choice.

"Talking won't help me," Hayley huffed, throwing the bottle of water onto her bag in the corner.

"Yeah? And what will?" Blake asked, folding his arms. "Spending all your time training by yourself? Going home at night and drinking your weight in liquor so you can sleep?"

Hayley gritted her teeth, glaring at the man briefly before walking back over to the punching bag. Before she threw her first swing though, Murray stepped out in front of her.

"Move," she snapped.

"Stop doing this," he shook his head. "I let you do whatever you wanted at first, you deserved that. But I can let you be like this anymore,"

"I never asked you to be my babysitter," she stepped away, beginning to unravel the wraps around her wrists.

Blake followed behind her, intent on having his voice heard.

"We all know I'm not Nick," he spoke gently. "I'm not your brother and I'm not trying to be, but I promised him I'd look out for you and if he was here-"

"Well he's not, he's dead," Hayley looked up at the man, her eyes full of anger. "And I'm stuck here listening to you when he should be,"

"You think you're stuck here? You act like living is a burden. You got a life Hayley, he didn't!"

"I know that!" Hayley pushed against him, her anger reaching boiling point. "I watched him get shot dead right in front of me, I'm very aware of the fact I got a life and he didn't!''

Blake sighed and put his hands on his hips. He didn't know how to get through to her anymore. When Nick died, he might as well have taken Hayley with him because this person in front of Blake right now, the one ignoring the fact that she needed help, it wasn't the person he knew.

Hayley didn't blame herself for the bullet that hit her brother on the field, but she did blame herself for the fact it hit him and not her. It didn't make sense that she got to walk away from that fight and live her life when he lost his. Nick should have been here, not her.

''You can't keep doing this to yourself,''

Hayley turned her head to Blake who was standing just beside the bag now, his voice softer and less forceful. She had heard his pleas for weeks now for her to attend therapy sessions, to at least join a support group that could help her deal with her grief, but she refused to admit she had any issues at all.

''I just need to get back on the field,'' Hayley shook her head. ''Blake, all you have to do is sign that form saying I'm fit for duty-''

''But you're not fit for duty. Do you honestly think I'd let you be sent back out there when you're like this? SHIELD is willing to let you go back on field duties with a supervisor but you have to agree to therapy, that's the only way,''

''I don't need a supervisor and I don't need therapy! I need to get back into the field,''

''Well there's only one way you're gonna do that,'' Blake folded his arms.

Nothing more had been said between the two of them as they walked away from the old, abandonded gym and towards the diner across the street. Since she hadn't argued against him since his last point, Blake was hoping that this would be the day he finally convinced her to get the help she needed. He wasn't doing it so she could get back on the field, to be honest he didn't even want her to go back because he knew it was something she was never going to be ready to face again, but it was all one step at a time.  
When they found their usual booth and sat down, Hayley looked up at the television which was reporting breaking news.

_''...the wreckage is believed to be the remains of an aircraft used during World War II but all is yet to be recovered due to the large glaciers and thick layers of ice it was found beneath...''_

''SHIELD will be all over that,''

Hayley's attention turned from the screen to Blake.

''Why?''

''That's Captain America's plane. Well, not his exactly. But he drove that thing into the ice-''

''I know the story,'' Hayley cut him off. ''But what's to say this is the plane?''

''The _Valkyrie_,'' Blake pointed to the screen where the name of the plane was being broadcast. ''That's Cap's plane alright,''

* * *

**Two months later**

Steve looked out the window of the room SHIELD set him up in, wondering if he was ever going to wake up from this nightmare. It had been two months since he woke up and found out he was now living in 2012 instead of 1945. The serum that Dr. Erskine developed had enabled him to survive almost seventy years of being on ice, perfectly preserved. But it still didn't make sense to him.

1945 was yesterday to him, but to the rest of the world it was 67 years ago. Looking around his room, there was barely anything that he recognized from that time. Technology was beyond confusing and the way that SHIELD operated made him question if he was going to even survive in these times.

They had offered to assign someone to help Steve transition into the new world, but he had refused. He could do this on his own, he just wished he didn't have to. There were so many people he would rather have around him, but they were all long gone. Peggy Carter was 93 years old and bed ridden in a nursing home suffering dementia, Bucky Barnes had died during the war, Steve had no other family members left and he knew no one in this new life he had to live.

''Captain Rogers?''

Steve turned his head to the door of his room which was now cracked open, a man standing in the small gap. Glancing at the time, he immediately knew what the man was here for.

''I'm here to escort you to your appointment,''

Steve didn't like the idea of sharing his feelings and inner thoughts with a man sitting in his office, taking notes and studying his movements. No one did that back in the 40's, no one had the time, there was a war to fight.

''I've been before, I don't think I need an escort,'' Steve told the man as nicely as he could.

Everyone had been very accommodating towards Steve since he woke up and as much as he appreciated it, it was becoming more and more like they were trying to mind him as if he was a child.

''Dr. Rafferty's office has been moved, I thought you might want to be shown where for your future visits,''

Steve almost felt rude now.

''Oh, well thank you,''

''It's no problem, I'm headed that way. I'm Agent Elliot Blake,'' the man extended his hand.

Steve shook his hand politely, appreciating the fact that the man was greeted him just like anyone else. Living in a SHIELD facility made Steve feel like an alien most of the time. None of the agents wanted to get too close out of fear he was made of glass. They underestimated his ability to adapt.

''Nice to meet you Agent,''

Steve pulled on his jacket and closed his door, following the man down the hall until they reached a staircase. As much as he didn't want to admit to needing someone to show him where to go, he was glad that Agent Blake had taken the time to escort him. The halls of the SHIELD facility were long and almost never-ending, he was sure he would have missed every turn he had to take.

A majority of agents who were on duty or constantly on missions resided in the facility, it was almost like a huge building full of smaller apartments and research labs. SHIELD had many facilities just like this one all around the globe, but since Steve had woken up in New York's SHIELD facility, that's where he had stayed.

''It's a big place,'' Blake chuckled, noticing Steve looking around when they made it to another staircase. ''I've been lost many times around here,''

''Do you live in the building?'' Steve asked, making note of everything he passed so he could find it on his own next time.

''No, I have a friend who does though so I visit a lot. I go on a lot of assignments that require some in depth debriefing too so I'm here a lot more than I like to be,'' Blake told him. ''I guess there's worse places in this city to spend my time,''

''You'd have a lot more privacy anywhere else,'' Steve commented, earning another chuckle from the agent.

''I agree with you there Captain. Not much gets past SHIELD around here,''

They kept walking until they came to a door at the end of the hall and Blake turned and nodded towards it. The office was very secluded compared to everything else in the building and Steve hoped it hadn't been moved on his account.

When speaking with Director Fury, Steve had voiced his opinions on going to see a psychologist. He didn't like the idea and he hadn't enjoyed the past few appointments he had with the doctor. Bringing up memories that hurt him to remember, going over the fact that everyone he loved was now in his past whether he liked it or not. It wasn't enjoyable at all.

There were muffled voices heard inside the room as if there was an argument going on and Steve noticed Blake pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration before the door opened. A woman stepped out in a plain black uniform, no weapons or anything attached, and she looked between the two men standing outside, obviously not expecting to be met with company. Her brown hair was down and sat just above her shoulders, but it did nothing to distract either of the men from the dark circles beneath her eyes.

''How was your session?'' Blake asked, pretending no one else was around.

Steve instantly knew they was familiar with one another when the woman shrugged her shoulders, folding her arms before Dr. Rafferty walked out behind her.

''Perhaps next time Private O'Connor will stay for the full duration of her session,'' Dr. Rafferty suggested with a sigh, looking over to Blake since the woman clearly wasn't interested. ''To get results, I need dedication and at least some effort,''

Blake nodded in agreement and looked disappointedly at the woman, but she remained silent as she began walking down the hall. Steve watched as she walked past him without a hint of recognition, noticing how her hands were in fists as she folded her arms.

''Thanks doctor,'' Blake took a few steps following her, turning to Steve before he went any further. ''Oh if there's anything you need Captain, just ask for me and I'll take care of it,''

''I appreciate it,'' Steve nodded in return.

When he was finally the last one left in the hall, Steve looked up at Dr. Rafferty and dreaded the next hour he had to spend with him.

''Hello again Mr. Rogers, come right in,''

At least now he knew he wasn't the only one who didn't enjoy these meetings.

* * *

''Why do you have to do that?''

Hayley kept walking, picking up her pace as Blake's voice followed behind her.

''Do what? I'm going to those stupid therapy sessions, what else do you want?''

''I want you to take them seriously!'' he argued. ''There's no point showing up if you're not wanting to get something out of it,''

''I do want something out of it,''

''Getting back into the field is not what I'm talking about. You need to take care of yourself before you go into fieldwork and that means actually doing these sessions properly,''

After another flight of stairs and a few turns, they finally reached Hayley's room. She quickly unlocked the door and walked inside, taking a seat on her couch and watching as Blake came through the door moments later. It was obvious he wasn't impressed with her behavior. They had been through a lot these past two months since Hayley had agreed to go to therapy, but she did so on her own terms which were starting to bother Blake.

''SHIELD wants me to go to therapy, so I go. SHIELD wants me to stay in this building to monitor me and assess me, so I stay. What else do I have to do?'' she asked him, her temper snapping.

''None of that matters when you're not taking it seriously. You can't just show up to Dr. Rafferty's and expect him to approve you to Coulson straight away. Attendance isn't considered improvement. You have to talk to someone Hayley, you have to...to deal with what happened,''

''I've dealt with it,'' she pushed off the couch, making her way to the small kitchen.

Blake watched her open the cupboards and rummage around, knowing what she was looking for.

''There's no booze in here O'Connor,'' he shook his head. ''Made sure of it,''

''Wasn't looking for any,'' she lied, settling for a glass of water. ''I'm trying to move on Blake and I'm getting nowhere because no one will let me,''

''Because you're not ready. Moving on comes after dealing with things and you haven't dealt with them no matter how much you try and convince yourself you have,''

Hayley gripped the glass in her hand and took a deep breath, calming herself down. Countless times they had had this argument and she was sick of it. No one would tell her whether or not she had come to terms with something. No one told her how to handle herself.

''It's been six months Blake, I'm ready,'' she looked over to him.

Getting back on the field was the only thing keeping her sane these days. She had been obsessing over training and tactics every day, she knew she had to get back out there and do something. Sitting in a SHIELD apartment by herself was driving her insane and she did everything she could to stop herself from dwelling on her thoughts. She needed to get back into the field and she knew she was ready.

Blake, however, saw straight through her. There was no way he was going to help her get back out there when she was like this.

''No, you're not,'' he told her before walking to the door and leaving.

He was barely a few feet away from her apartment when he heard the glass shatter against the wall.

* * *

There was a lot of things that Steve had been filled in about since he woke up months ago, but one of the biggest was how much people have changed since the 40's. There were bad people on the streets when Steve was younger, he was victim to many of the thugs, but he was assured that it had become much worse. However as Steve walked down one of the streets in the city one night, he was sure that things hadn't changed that much. There were bad people everywhere in the world, but at least he could defend himself now.

Sleeping had been one of his biggest problems since waking up in the new world and he had given up even trying to sleep recently. After finding out that the gym at the SHIELD facility was a bit too technological and crowded for his liking, Steve had taken the advice of an agent that suggested he visit one of the older gyms in the city since no one regularly used them. Following the brief directions he had been given from the unknown agent, Steve stopped at a gym at the end of a street, just across from a little diner. Figuring this was it, Steve walked around the side and found his way inside.

Hayley hit against the bag in front of her, ignoring the pain in her right wrist that had started minutes ago. If she was going to prove to everyone at SHIELD that she was ready to go back into things, she had to be her best physically. Every day for the past few months she had been training, but since a peaceful sleep was out of the question, her routine would go on. Working out seemed easier than trying to put on a happy face to convince everyone she was okay.

When she took a moment to hold the bag still, pushing the fallen strands of hair out of her face, she heard noises coming from the door at the side of the gym. It was almost midnight which ruled out the chances of it being Blake, but Hayley didn't have enough time to consider the possibilities before another familiar blonde haired man walked into the room.

He looked almost as surprised to see her as she was to see him. Steve recognized the woman from the past two appointments he had with Dr. Rafferty where she was walking out as he arrived, but he had never seen her looking directly at him before.

''I didn't know anyone was here,'' he explained hurriedly. ''Sorry,''

''What are you looking for?'' Hayley asked curiously.

Steve looked back at her and glanced down at the small bag he had brought with him that contained a clean shirt, wraps for his hands and bottles of water.

''I was just looking for somewhere quiet to work out,'' he explained.

Hayley looked over to the clock on the wall, making sure she wasn't imagining the time.

''Insomnia?'' she asked.

''Something like that,'' he shrugged. ''I can go-''

''There's another bag in the corner,'' Hayley pointed. ''It's been gathering dust for months now, someone might as well use it,''

Steve looked over at the bag with a nod before turning back to the woman with an appreciative smile.

''Thank you ma'am,''

When he said that, Hayley remembered that the man was from the 1940's. It was still hard to believe that Captain America was alive, especially since she remembered listening to her brother tell her stories about the super soldier and how he was one day going to be just like him, fighting for his country. Hayley shook the memory from her mind before nodding in return to the man.

''It's Hayley,'' she told him as he began to walk away.

''Steve,''

They both shared a brief glance and another nod before going their separate ways in the gym; Steve to his corner to set up the bag and Hayley to throwing her fists into the one in front of her. In all of the places he had been since waking up, Steve was sure that this old abandoned gym was the most comfortable he had felt. It reminded him of the one in Brooklyn when he was growing up that he and Bucky would sneak into with the other kids and watch the men box.

It surprised Steve that the woman didn't question him anymore. She barely even paid attention to him as he got himself ready. Steve knew she was in SHIELD since seeing her at his appointments and the fact that Agent Blake seemed to know her very closely. She might have been the only person as SHIELD he met yet who didn't feel the need to interrogate him and his every move and it surprised him how much he appreciated it. However Steve could see without even knowing her that she had her own problems to deal with, there was no other reason why she would be attending therapy sessions like he was. But they respected one another's privacy as they continued their work out.

Two people who were being haunted by the past, unable to sleep from the thoughts and memories that plagued them, both fighting against their own self-inflicted emotional torture. Two people from completely different times who were so alike.


	2. Chapter 2

_I ponder of something terrifying_  
_'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind_  
_I find over the course of our human existence_  
_One thing consists of consistence_  
_And it's that we're all battling fear_

* * *

Hayley gazed around Dr. Rafferty's office as she sat on the couch, her arms folded in front of her. There were shelves all around the room that held books and ornaments that were meant to radiate peace and calmness, but mostly they were just odd to look at. She had grown very familiar with everything in the room considering she spent most of her sessions avoiding any conversation at all.

However today she planned to change that. Blake and Coulson had assured her the only way they were going to even consider putting her back on the field or proper training was if she opened up to her psychologist and allowed herself to get some help. Hayley wasn't big on sharing her personal life with a stranger, but if it was the only way she was going to get out of these therapy sessions, she was going to at least try. She didn't have to tell him everything either, just enough that people could see she was taking it seriously.

''Now, let's get to the reason we're here,'' Dr. Rafferty began, pulling Hayley away from her thoughts. ''You'd like to get back into the field, correct?''

''Yes,''

''Do you mind if we go over your previous time spent in the field environment?''

''Two and a half years in the United States Armed Forces, one year in SHIELD's Operations Division,'' Hayley answered immediately.

''And you'd like to continue with SHIELD?''

''Yes, as soon as possible,''

Dr. Rafferty looked up at the woman and put down the pen in his hands, paying her full attention.

''Can you explain to me why it's so important you immediately get back into the field? Has it to do with your brother?''

Hayley tightened her arms around her chest.

''If he was here he would do the same. He wouldn't sit around for five months like I have, he would be back out there fighting and I don't have the right to do any less than he would because...''

''Yes?'' the man asked, encouraging her to continue since he had barely gotten a word out of her in their past sessions.

''Because I got to live and he didn't. I can't waste it, he wouldn't,''

''You don't want to waste the life your brother should have had,'' Dr. Rafferty concluded. ''But going back on the field in the mental state you're in will bring new challenges that you won't be able to handle just yet,''

''My mental state is fine. I've been training every day on my own since SHIELD won't allow me to train with the division, I'm ready to go back,'' she defended. ''I can handle it,''

''Physical training in no way means you're mentally prepared,'' he shook his head. ''There's going to be struggles,''

Hayley stared at the man for a moment, wondering if he was going to elaborate. Whatever struggles were waiting for her out on the field were none that she hadn't dealt with before, she knew she would be able to handle it. No one listened to her these days though when it came to her health, mostly mental. They refused to believe she was ready to go back but they didn't understand it was the only way she could see herself coping.

''Hayley,'' Dr. Rafferty began. ''When you say that you got to live and he didn't, do you mean to say you value your life less? That you don't deserve it?''

Hayley shifted in the seat, trying to tear her gaze away from the doctor, but his question kept lingering in her mind everywhere she looked in the room. She had shared enough for today, she didn't need to answer that. As she glanced around the wall again, her attention was taken by the clock just above the door. When she didn't answer her, Dr. Rafferty knew where she was looking.

The clock had taken her interest over everything else during her sessions and when he noticed her looking once again, he knew he wasn't getting anymore from her that day He was pleased with her efforts though, at least he could tell she was beginning to give that effort he was asking for, but she still had a long way to go.

''Until next time then,'' he nodded toward her, standing up and walking her to the door.

Blake was standing outside once again and when he saw the look on Hayley's face he was sure that the session went just like the others.

''How was it?'' he asked as usual when she stepped outside.

''It was fine,'' she spoke, stunning him with her answer.

Dr. Rafferty nodded in return as if to confirm to Blake that the session did indeed go better than the others, and her friend finally felt that spark of hope inside himself again. However Hayley felt differently when seeing the doctor and Blake's relieved expressions. To her it was almost like they enjoyed having her feel the pain of reliving what happened.

* * *

Steve had been having another restless night and wondered why he even bothered trying to sleep before grabbing a bag and heading out the door. Every time he tried to close his eyes and fall asleep he would hear the echoing sounds of guns and explosives, he could feel the ice enveloping his body and dragging him under. Then his eyes would fly open and he would find himself trembling. It was just no use.

When he made his way to the gym and set up his area to work out, his mind was at it again. Every time his fist hit the bag it would sound like a bomb had gone off, the noise echoed through the room and just made him hit harder, his memories taking him back to the war.

Hayley had woken up after an hour of sleep to find her hands had ripped the corner of her sheet to shreds. Her bottom lip felt swollen and bloody before she realized she had been biting down on it hard during her less than peaceful slumber. Throwing her legs off the side of the bed, she rested her arms on her legs before running her hands over her face. Sadly, that was the longest she had managed to sleep without the interruption of a nightmare. She either had extremely vivid horrors or she woke up in the aftermath of one, there was never a good night.

Following her usual routine, Hayley tied her hair up into a ponytail and changed into her black gym clothes before walking out the door wishing that Blake might have at least left her a bottle of whiskey to calm her down whenever she woke up.

The gym was only ever used by Hayley, she had never considered another person coming here or even wanting to step foot inside the place. It looked like it was about to fall down from the outside, but inside it was exactly what she wanted. Quiet, spacious and full of equipment. But tonight it also contained Captain America.

Steve didn't notice the footsteps at first, but when he moved his head up to take a breath from his punches, he saw a figure standing over by the door at the side. He hoped he wasn't intruding since it seemed like she came here often, but when she threw her bag down next to the bag not too far from his own, he figured it was okay. Hayley gave him a light smile when their gaze met and Steve noticed the dark circles under her eyes once again.

''Can't sleep?'' he asked, seeing that it was 11.45 pm.

''Sleep for me is a lost cause,'' she shrugged, kneeling down to unzip her bag.

''I hope I'm not intruding on this place, I thought it was public gym,''

''No it's fine. It is a public gym but it closed down at the start of the year, I've been the only one coming here,''

Hayley figured if anyone else was going to start using this place it might as well be Captain America. She assumed he had similar troubles with sleeping since he was here at the late hours like she was and after waking up from the ice 70 years later, there was bound to be some side effects.

''I can go to another if-''

''Seriously, it's fine,'' Hayley looked up at him. ''I don't own this place,''

Steve smiled in appreciation.

''Well, thank you. It's a lot quieter than the one at SHIELD, a lot simpler too,''

''You've been?''

''Once, didn't like to too much. It's a little hard to ignore every agent staring when I walk in,'' Steve explained. ''You don't like using their training rooms?''

Hayley scoffed, shaking her head as she stood up and finished wrapping her hands.

''I'm prohibited at the moment,''

Steve looked over to her, puzzled.

''You're not allowed to train?''

''Rafferty's orders,'' Hayley rolled her eyes. ''This place is more to my liking anyway,''

As he watched he pull the punching bag toward her, straightening and steadying it, Steve wondered why a psychologist had banned her from being able to train. She was apart of SHIELD, training was necessary for all areas. Hayley didn't say anymore about it though, she just began punching the bag and ignoring his gaze. She wondered if Steve would understand her situation. Being told what to feel and how to deal with things seemed like a situation Steve would had been in himself after waking up at SHIELD with no knowledge of the present times.

Steve watched the woman hit against the bag with force again and again without pausing, her heavy breathing echoing through the room. He soon realized that their brief conversation was the longest they were going to have that night and went back to his work out. They both continued for a couple of hours in silence, working off the anxiety and nerves that were keeping them awake, but they both knew their nightmares wouldn't leave them alone.

* * *

One of the many things that Steve had learnt about 21st century was that information was much, much easier to get your hands on. Everyone's personal information could be easily accessed from the internet or files that have been stored in databases. However Steve hadn't advanced to using the internet very well just yet due to lack of interest. He knew there were millions of things he had missed in his 67 year hiatus from life, but there was more important things he wanted to check up on.

The lives of his loved ones was the most pressing. He was aware that almost everyone he remembered from the 40's would have passed away already, but SHIELD had provided him with many files on everyone he wanted to know about. The howling commandos and how they continued after Captain America went missing, how the war ended and the life of his past love, Peggy Carter.

Steve already knew that Peggy was in a nursing home suffering illnesses. He wasn't ready to go see her yet though, he didn't know if he could do that to her after all this time. But he did want to know that she got to have a happy life, one that she deserved. When he woke up there were so many things he wished he hadn't missed, but the most important one of them all was the fact that he didn't get to give that life to Peggy. They never got their chance to grow old together and have a good life.

Neither did Bucky. His best friend's death still haunted him every day when he thought about it. Steve could still feel the cold air on his skin as he remembered watching Bucky fall and he was sure he would never get over the memory.

He was also sure he would have been better off never being found in that ice. He would never get used to this world, there was so much he didn't understand and so much he wished he hadn't missed. Maybe waking up was the biggest regret of his life.

* * *

Blake waited anxiously outside of Dr. Rafferty's office, waiting for Hayley to come out and hopefully be a lot calmer than he knew she would be. Today she was going to get her answer as to whether she would able to begin her transition back into light field duties or not and Blake had a strong feeling he already knew the answer. She hadn't been going to therapy long enough, she hadn't been opening enough, she had only just started to put some effort in. Blake knew she wasn't ready, but Hayley was a stubborn and persistent woman.

Dr. Rafferty saw the anticipation in Hayley's eyes when he glanced between her and the file in his hands. He knew how important it was for her to get back onto the field and how much she had been obsessing over it, but he knew all the signs when he saw them and Hayley O'Connor was not ready to return to any kind of war. It was when he began to flicker his eyes between the woman in the seat before him and the file in his hands that Hayley knew his answer.

''You're not going to approve that form are you?''

''I'm afraid I can't,'' he shook his head sadly. ''My job is to protect my patients and if I approve you I wouldn't be doing that,''

''I don't see a reason why I can't go back right now,'' Hayley argued. ''I've been off the field for almost five months, I'm ready to go back,''

''Hayley, after our previous sessions and my own analysis on your condition, I've concluded that you're suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder,'' he announced.

Hayley stared at the man for a few moments to make sure she had heard him right before she began shaking her head in denial. There was no way she could be diagnosed with PTSD, Coulson wouldn't let her anywhere near the field if that was the case. Her chances of returning to operations in the near future would be shattered.

''I know I haven't shared as much as I'm supposed to in this sessions, but I can't have PTSD,'' she told him firmly. ''Do you know what this will do to my chances of going back? SHIELD doesn't even consider soldiers with PTSD going back,''

''No they don't, not before they go through the appropriate channels to get help and overcome their problems,''

''I deal with my problems on my own doctor, always have and always will,''

''Well maybe it's time to change that,'' he suggested.

Hayley continued to shake her head, unable to even consider leaving his office without changing his decision to diagnose her. She knew that she had things she had to work through, that much was obvious, but she wasn't going to do it SHIELD's way. All she wanted was to get back into the field so she could get her mind off everything and do what she had been doing for years now.

''You can't diagnose me with PTSD,'' she told him, intent on her denial.

''Both of your hands have been balled into fists since we began talking,'' Dr. Rafferty pointed out.

Hayley looked down and saw that he was right. Both of her hands were balled tightly into fists and her knuckles were white from pressure.

''One of the many side effects of PTSD and you don't even realize you're doing it. You can't talk about the day your brother was killed because you physically can't respond to my questions. The memory haunts you and if you go back into the field right now, your disorder _will_ consume you and I can't risk that happening. I'm sorry Hayley, but you're not going back, not yet anyway,''

Biting down on her lip so hard she began to taste blood, Hayley stood up and took off straight for the door. She knew her reaction was rather childish, but she didn't care. Being diagnosed with PTSD was going to ruin all her chances and she couldn't help feeling like an absolute failure.

Blake was outside resting on one of the chairs outside when he jolted in surprise as Hayley burst out of the room. She knew he was waiting there for her, but she didn't even bother turning to him as she took off down the hall. Blake stood up, ready to chase after her before he decided to let her go. He knew she wasn't going to be let back into the field, but what he was more worried about was what she was going to do after finding out.

''Doctor?'' he turned to the man walking out the door. ''I assume you didn't approve her,''

''No, I didn't,'' Dr. Rafferty shook his head. ''I've given her my diagnosis,''

* * *

Hayley wasn't just throwing punches at the bag when Blake turned up at the old gym looking for her. She was kicking it with force, taking every bit of her anger out of the brown bag and groaning in pain every time her wrist made contact with it. At first he didn't think she saw him, but he was soon proved wrong.

''Not a good idea to annoy me right now Blake,'' Hayley told him, taking a brief pause to glare over at him.

''Hey I'm not your enemy here O'Connor,'' he raised his hands in surrender. ''I just came to see if you're alright,''

''Why bother? No one believes me when I say I'm okay anyway,''

''Because people actually care about you and can see that you're not,'' he explained with a sigh. ''Let's go to the diner and talk, I'll pay,''

Hayley shook her head and threw another punch.

''I don't want to talk, just go,''

Steve could hear voices as he walked closer to the side door of the gym, wondering else if any other people were also using the abandoned area now. When he got to the door, he could definitely hear one of the voices belonged to Hayley and the other to a man. As he peaked around the corner slightly, he saw that it was Agent Blake. The two of them were in the middle of what seemed to be an intense argument and Steve didn't feel right walking in and disturbing. He also didn't feel right just standing there and listening either, but he couldn't pull himself away once they began arguing about the therapy sessions with Dr. Rafferty.

''He's wrong, he's diagnosed me wrong and now there's no way Coulson will let me back. I've done everything right, I showed up to those pointless sessions and I'm living under SHIELD's damn microscope, what more do you want?'' Hayley yelled at her friend.

''I want you to get better! This wasn't about having you show up somewhere and get your name marked off the list and then approved to go back into operations, this was about getting you better Hayley. You've got post-traumatic stress disorder, it's there and it's done now, you just have to be ready to get through it,'' he explained. ''I'll help you in anyway that I can but you have to try as well, okay?''

''I'm fine Blake, that's what's frustrating me! I know myself better than anyone and I know that I'm-''

''If you say you're okay one more time,'' Blake threw his hands up in frustration.

''I need to get back into the field Blake, that's where I can cope,''

''No it's not. I'm an Agent, okay? I was at SHIELD on missions with operations while you were in the military, I saw people with PTSD and they were just like you; in denial of the whole thing. If you go back into the field it'll break you and I'm sorry, but it's the truth. You can't keep pushing away the subject of Nick's death, you have to deal with it,''

''I'm not pushing it away, I've dealt with it already,'' she argued again. ''You want me to get into detail about it everyday? Will that help me? I'm sorry I can't get the sound of the bullet piercing through him out of my head or wipe the feeling of my brother's blood off my fingers and arms. I'm sorry I can't get over it the way you all want me to,''

Steve knew he should have left. This was a personal conversation, he couldn't be here. He had never heard Hayley so angry or upset before, in fact he hadn't heard much of the woman at all. He hadn't realized what she was dealing with, what those dark circles under her eyes actually meant, why she couldn't sleep, the fact that she'd been in a war and witnessed her brother's death.

But he wasn't supposed to know, he wasn't supposed to be standing there listening.

''No one's asking you to get over him Hayley,'' Blake spoke again gently. ''You're not supposed to get over it. But you're not sleeping, you're not talking to anyone, you're not dealing with it,''

Hayley was quiet for a moment.

''I can't talk to SHIELD,''

''Well you can't do it on your own,''

A few moments passed before Steve heard the punching bag being hit once again and he knew he had to leave. He could go a night without his work out, he could leave the two of them there to sort out their argument and Hayley deserved her privacy.

Steve walked back down the street feeling guilty for having listened in to what was going on, but he couldn't help feeling sorry for the woman. He knew what it was like to be haunted by those sort of memories, of losing someone and seeing it all unfold before your eyes and not being able to do a thing about it.

It all became more apparent to him that even though his trauma began almost 70 years ago, they were still the same horrors that haunted those in the present day. Everyone had their own battle to fight and some chose to fight on their own.

* * *

_*Car Radio - twenty one pilots_


	3. Chapter 3

_Are you drifting way beyond what's normal?_  
_'Cause 'round your mind rings the words that they would say?_  
_When you go home everything looks different,_  
_And you're scared of being left behind_

* * *

Hayley stared at the counter in her bathroom, looking over all the different medication she was now required to take. Pills to help her sleep, pills to give her a healthy appetite, pills to calm her down and pills to make her less depressed. It was overwhelming to be prescribed with so many different things, but Hayley didn't have to worry about their effect just yet since she wasn't planning on taking any of them.

She didn't need medication to help her deal with her problems, she could do that on her own. No matter how serious Dr Rafferty tried to explain the effects of PTSD and lack of sleep, Hayley was going to deal with this in her own way. It had taken her a few days to accept her diagnosis after a few more arguments with Blake and Coulson telling her that she needed to take care of herself before even thinking of coming back to the field. Hayley knew that she was suffering, she knew she hadn't dealt with what happened the day her brother died and she was aware of the effect it was having on her, but she couldn't talk to Dr Rafferty about it. She couldn't allow the story of her brother's death to be analysed and treated as a cause for all her problems. Hayley had been assured that she needed to speak to someone, she needed to express herself, but she hadn't found anyone she could do that with yet.

Despite being told she was overworking herself, Hayley left her apartment in the evening with her bag and headed for the gym. When she made it out onto the street, she saw a familiar man walking ahead of her with a similar bag in his hand. It seemed Hayley and Steve were becoming in sync.

Steve hadn't noticed anyone behind him just his, all of his attention on the rectangular figure in his hand. It was beeping loudly and vibrating in his hand but he didn't know how to stop it, feeling utterly hopeless. Pressing buttons all over the screen, Steve was sure he was never going to silence the device. His pace had stopped now and he hoped no one had noticed his struggle, but unfortunately they had.

''Having trouble?''

Jumping in surprise, Steve turned to see Hayley standing beside him and looking at his phone, wondering what he was trying to do. Steve hated being seen as helpless because he couldn't figure out technology, but considering none of it was around in the 1940's, his confusion was understandable.

''Uh yeah,'' Steve's cheeks grew red with embarrassment. ''I don't really know what it's doing,''

Hayley took the cell phone from his hand and studied it for a moment, swiping her finger and pressing a few buttons before handing it back when the beeping and vibrating stopped.

''You had a reminder alert going off from earlier in the day,'' she explained. ''An appointment with Rafferty,''

''Oh, yeah they must have put that in before they gave it to me,''

''They didn't show you how to work that thing when they gave it to you?''

''I thought it'd be easy enough to work out on my own, I guess not,'' Steve shrugged. ''I'm still getting used to technology,''

''Aren't SHIELD supposed to appoint someone to help you...adjust?''

''They offered, but I'd rather learn everything on my own and at my own pace,''

Hayley nodded in understanding.

''That's a bold move,'' she commented as they began to walk down the street. ''Is it difficult?''

''Learning all the technology?''

''Adjusting,''

Steve shrugged, slipping his phone into his pocket.

''It's still the same world, just...a lot more advanced than I ever thought. Takes some getting used to,''

''I bet,'' Hayley agreed.

They kept walking in silence, the sounds of cars passing by and sirens blaring in the distance the only noise around them. The sun was almost completely gone from the afternoon sky, only a few rays managing to creep over the top of the smaller buildings. Steve watched subtly as Hayley pulled her hair up into a ponytail, her face illuminated by the remaining sunlight. She was a beautiful woman, there was no denying that, but Steve's interest soon changed to a different subject.

''So, you're not a SHIELD agent?'' he asked.

When he had overheard her conversation with Blake, he didn't quite understand what her role at SHIELD was. He had been briefed on the numerous divisions and facilities that SHIELD had, but it seems that every person Steve knew at SHIELD had three different titles and worked in various areas of the organization.

''No,'' Hayley shook her head. ''I was part of SHIELD's operations division, military defense unit,''

''And you're not anymore?''

''I'm in between things,'' she shrugged, not wanting to give him a detailed description of what was going on. ''What about you? I'd assume Captain America would be one of their best assets,''

Steve chuckled.

''I don't know about that. I don't think I'm an asset to anything at the moment and I'm sure everyone at SHIELD agrees,''

''You underestimate the influence you've had on people,'' she told him.

''Maybe I would have had a bigger influence if they hadn't found me,'' he admit. ''Now I'm a 94 year old experiment that can't stop his phone from buzzing,''

''Do you regret waking up?''

Steve paused at her question, thinking it over. The thought had gone through his mind many times since his eyes first opened in 2012 New York, but he so many mixed feelings about his current life that he could never give himself a straight answer.

''I don't know,'' he told her honestly.

Hayley didn't question him again, just nodded her head in silence. She could understand his frustration with the world after waking up. He had died a hero and he had woken up so far behind everyone else, it wasn't a position she would have liked to be in either. It was still so hard to believe he really was alive still, after all this time, and that she was talking to the very soldier that her brother admired so much growing up. Nick would have loved to meet Steve, and that was just another thing Hayley added to her mental list of reasons he should be here instead of her.

The rest of their walk to the gym was spent in silence as the remaining sunlight left the city. When they finally reached the old building, Steve let Hayley go ahead of him and followed inside, neither of them noticing the car parked across the road that contained a SHIELD agent.

The agent pulled her cell phone out and held it to her ear, her eyes still scanning over the building.

''Sir, location confirmed. Yes, everything looks fine. I think we've found found the right person,''

* * *

Blake walked up the hall of SHIELD Headquarters the next week, looking down at his phone as he sent a quick message to Hayley. Being out of town for a few days was usual for his job, but he always liked to keep an eye on his friend and check up on her, not that she ever did anything out of her normal routine of therapy and working out.

After standing in the elevator for a few minutes and finally reaching the right floor, Blake hurried around the corner and made his way to Agent Coulson's office. SHIELD H.Q was much bigger and busier than any of their other facilities and Blake liked to the spend the least amount of time in it. However when it involved meeting with Coulson, he was in no rush. Coulson didn't usually have people coming into his office for meetings, he was very active in the field and working numerous missions each day, but for some reason Blake had been called in to consult with him.

''Coulson,'' Blake called out from the doorway of the man's office.

''Thanks for getting here on short notice,'' Coulson looked away from his computer screen, flashing a polite and brief smile toward the agent.

''Well it's not everyday I get called here,''

''A rare occurrence, I know,'' Coulson nodded. ''But I've got something for you since you're practically based in New York now,''

''I'm in New York to look out for O'Connor, I can still work wherever you need me,''

''That's the catch Blake, this one's for O'Connor too,''

Blake stared at the man in front of him, wondering if he was serious. Hayley had only been diagnosed with PTSD a week ago, there was no way she was ready to be put back on any type of duty.

''O'Connor isn't ready for an assignment,''

''It's not really an assignment,'' Coulson assured. ''It involves Captain Rogers,''

Blake's eyebrows rose in surprise.

''You've lost me,''

''When he woke up, Fury offered him support to readjust to the world, but he didn't want it. SHIELD gave him residency in the New York facility so he could be monitored, but he's not coping as well as we hoped,''

''The guy woke up after an almost 70 year nap Coulson, how do you expect someone to cope?''

''We didn't expect him to cope, that's why we offered help but he was insistent on doing this on his own. SHIELD's worried about his mental state and considering Captain Rogers' isn't familiar with SHIELD or any agents, he won't ask for help,''

''And where do I come into this? Actually, where does O'Connor come into this?'' Blake asked.

''We've been monitoring Captain Rogers to see where he goes, who he talks to, find out how he's dealing with things. The only place he goes is an old, run down gym a couple of blocks away from the facility and the only person he regularly sees or talks to is O'Connor,''

Blake had a feeling where he was going with this.

''If you're suggesting that Hayley become his aide or something-''

''That's exactly what I'm suggesting. Rogers is comfortable around her, he spends more time around her than any SHIELD agent, it won't be as overwhelming for him now as it would have been with some stranger. It won't be anything stressful, just helping him with some basics and being a sort of companion,''

''Hayley has PTSD, she shouldn't be focusing on anything other than herself right now. It's been hard enough to get her to realize she needs help, giving her this assignment or whatever it is will just give her another distraction,''

''Look, I know O'Connor too. I know that she's stubborn and can't admit when she needs help, but her and Rogers have a lot in common. Both soldiers who lost things in the war, struggling and too determined to ask for help,''

''So you think because they're both traumatized that they'll, what? Fix each other?''

Coulson sighed.

''No, but they'll trust each other. It works like a buddy system, it's very uncommon within SHIELD considering agents prefer working alone and independently, establishing no ties, but I think for this situation it might work. O'Connor needs to find someone to talk to who understands what she's going through and so does Rogers. O'Connor doesn't sugar coat things or take pity on people, she sees things as they are and that's the sort of person Rogers needs because he's far from unintelligent and with O'Connor he won't be treated like it,''

Blake was far from convinced this idea would work out, but in the end he wasn't the one calling the shots. Neither was Coulson really, all of these orders were coming from Fury since everything that involved Steve Rogers went through him. He saw their justification, but he didn't know if he agreed.

''This could either go well, or very badly,'' Blake shook his head. ''Where do I come in?''

''Well since you're in New York and we want to keep this as small as possible, no other agents involved, we want you to be the agent overlooking the process,''

Blake let out a long sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to process everything that SHIELD wanted.

''So who's in charge of explaining all of this to O'Connor and Rogers?''

''I'm leaving for a mission in twenty minutes, won't be anywhere near here,'' Coulson answered.

''Wait, so...'' Blake pointed towards himself in a panicked movement, watching as Coulson nodded. ''You've got to be kidding me,''

* * *

''I told SHIELD I didn't need help,''

Blake sat on the couch in Steve Rogers' apartment, looking around the room and noticing a lot of old fashioned objects. SHIELD had clearly set the room up especially for him to feel more comfortable, but Blake wondered if that had just made Steve's attempt at adjusting more difficult.

After meeting with Coulson the day before, Blake had flown back to New York and decided to fill Steve in on the situation before Hayley, knowing her reaction to the news would be the least pleasant to deal with. However Steve's reaction wasn't great either.

''They didn't want to force you since you'd just woken up, but now they're worried you're not coping,'' Blake explained. ''I agree that it's your personal choice, but they just want to help you out. A lot's changed,''

''I'm aware,'' Steve looked over to the agent. ''But I'm capable of catching up on my own,''

''SHIELD's willing to relieve you of your compulsory sessions with Dr. Rafferty and minimize their amount of interference if you agree,''

Steve listened, interested by the idea of SHIELD monitoring him less and not having to attend his therapy sessions, but he was still unsure of what was going to happen.

''What will I have to do?''

''You'll be appointed a companion, someone to act as an aide. They'll educate you on technology, transport, anything you need to know,''

''So they'll be babysitting me?''

''It won't be like that, trust me. The reason SHIELD waited until now to bring this up again was because they wanted you to know the person they appointed instead of it being a random agent and they wanted you to be able to contribute to the arrangement as well,''

''How so?''

''Well, they're appointing Hayley O'Connor. My friend, and your gym acquaintance,''

Eyes widening slightly in shock, Steve immediately regretted considering the deal.

''No, she doesn't need to do this, not after-''

Blake watched him carefully.

''After what? Did she tell you?''

Steve shook his head, looking down in disappointment.

''No, she hasn't told me anything. I uh, I accidentally overheard you and her talking one evening when I showed up at the gym. I couldn't help hear what she'd gone through, I can imagine how she feels,''

Actually, Steve knew exactly how she felt.

''Well, she'd kill me for talking about it, but she's not coping these days either Steve. She hasn't dealt with it, her brother was shot in front of her and died in her arms, she won't let herself think about it and it's eating away at her. Rafferty diagnosed her with PTSD and therefore she's got no chance of getting back into the field for a while now. SHIELD thinks helping you will help her as well,''

''How?''

''Helping you with your problems might make her realize that she get can help for hers too. She won't talk to SHIELD, but she could talk to you, maybe. I know it's a stretch, but you can see the similarities between you two, what you've been through,''

Steve folded his arms as he watched the agent explain everything to him, wondering if he would agree to it all. Steve couldn't see it being easy, especially with someone who was so closed off from everyone else. However SHIELD needed his help to get through to her, and as much as she didn't want to admit how much he was struggling, he needed her to help him out as well.

''Just consider it,'' Blake suggested, noticing Steve's thoughtful expression. ''I'll be in touch,''

Steve watched the man stand up and walk out of door, leaving him to think over everything he'd just been told. He didn't want to accept the help, he didn't like being viewed as someone incapable of doing such simple things, but he knew he'd tried doing this on his own for long enough. The 21st century was hard to catch up on in only a few months, but he didn't know if dragging Hayley into it was the right call.

* * *

''Can you just repeat that back to me again?''

Blake sighed as he put his hands on his hips, looking over to his friend who was now sitting up on her couch with an expression that made him want to take a few steps back. He had been dreading coming to his friend's apartment all day and explaining everything to her, and right now he was sure he should have argued for Coulson to do it over the phone.

Hayley didn't know if she was more angry at the idea of the assignment or the fact that SHIELD had been monitoring her even outside the facility and was now giving her orders.

''Does SHIELD know I'm not an agent? This sort of stuff isn't in my job description, I'm not a babysitter,'' she argued. ''And Steve doesn't need someone looking out for him, he's a grown man and he already told them he wanted to do this on his own,''

''He's not coping, SHIELD's been monitoring his progress,''

''SHIELD,'' Hayley scoffed. ''As if living in this building doesn't give them enough insight into everyone's privacy,''

''They're looking out for him, just like they're looking out for you,''

''How is this looking out for me?''

''They're giving you an assignment O'Connor, they're keeping you busy,''

Hayley folded her arms.

''I don't want this assignment, I want to get back on the field,''

''I know, you've said that plenty of times now, but it's obviously not an option right now and this assignment could be your first step to that. Look, you know Steve,''

''Barely,'' she shook her head.

''Well you're the only one in SHIELD that he knows. Those other agents and operatives are strangers to him, he needs someone like you to help him out,'' Blake explained. ''He could use a friend and so could you,''

Hayley groaned and walked into the kitchen, leaning against her bench as she looked up at the cupboard. She hadn't had a drop of alcohol in weeks, but it was times like this she could really use a glass. Blake followed her into the room, taking a seat next to the bench on the opposite side and watching his friend think.

''So SHIELD wants me to...what?''

''Help him adjust. He's been on his own for a while now and he won't ask for help, like someone else I know,'' he pointed out, earning a roll of the eyes. ''Just with catching up on everything he's missed. He wants to know what happened while he was in the ice, what happened to his family and friends. It'll be good for the both of you,''

Hayley looked up at him, leaning down and resting her chin on her hand.

''This is starting to sound like SHIELD's babysitting Steve and me,'' she commented. ''What, because we're both useless and broken we get assigned to one another to lessen their problems?''

''What? Hayley, no,'' Blake spoke louder. ''Look, you've _both_ got issues to deal with and honestly I think I agree with SHIELD on this whole thing. Steve needs help from someone familiar and you need to get your mind off getting back on the field for now. You wanted to get back to work, here's your chance,''

With her arms still folded, Hayley looked at her friend and considered SHIELD's offer. Blake was right about getting back to work, she had been desperately wanting something to do and to keep her busy, this was definitely her chance. There was also a part of her that didn't want to leave Steve with some strange agent who was going to treat him like a child, but she also didn't want Steve to think she was that person either.

There were a lot of things to consider, but Hayley knew she would never make her mind up completely on the issue. Blake saw the hesitation in her eyes, it mirrored the same look that Steve had on his face earlier and even without her answering him, he could tell what her answer was going to be.

* * *

**Hey guys, just wanted to thank you for reading this story so far and I appreciate the support of your favoriting and following :)**


	4. Chapter 4

_I was in another lifetime one of toil and blood_  
_When blackness was a virtue and the road was full of mud_  
_I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form_  
_"Come in" she said_  
_"I'll give you shelter from the storm"._

* * *

Steve stood outside the main door of the SHIELD facility, his hands in his pocket and his eyes scanning the cars that drove by on the street. He often wondered why the facility was so out in the open, but looking up at in now he could see why it didn't stand out too much. It was just like a regular building except it was quite large, but in New York City, it fit right in.

Glancing back to the main door for a moment, Steve wondered if Hayley had changed her mind about this arrangement already. When they both agreed to the offer after a day of thinking it over, Blake had instructed them to move at their own pace and work on small things first, but neither Steve or Hayley knew how to begin this process. Hayley wasn't an agent, she didn't know the proper protocol even after Blake tried explaining it to her, and Steve hadn't had a friend in this world since he woke up, he didn't know how he was going to be able to help her in return.

Hayley was hurrying down the stairs from her apartment, sure that she was late for meeting Steve. One of the troubles with being unable to sleep was that she often had scattered 10 minute naps that she unsurprisingly woke up from with her heart beating faster than ever, but this morning was even worse when she remembered it was the day that the assignment began.

Just like Steve, Hayley wasn't sure what was going to happen or how they were going to begin, but she had made a decision the night before as she lay awake thinking about the whole thing. She wasn't going to treat it like a mission or as if she was given orders, she was just going to treat it like a friendship. It was the only way to make both her and Steve feel normal since it was clear to both of them that SHIELD saw them as impaired.

Rushing out the main door, Hayley was rather relieved to see Steve standing there looking around, waiting.

''I'm late, sorry,'' Hayley walked over to him, shaking her head.

''No it's fine,'' Steve shook his head, watching as she squinted toward the morning sun.

This was the first time they'd seen one another since they had agreed with SHIELD. Blake had organized for them to meet up that morning and begin whatever they were supposed to do, which was why right now they were standing in silence. Neither of them knew what to say first. It shouldn't have felt this awkward, but Hayley decided to push past it.

''Well, I'll be the first to say this is weird,'' she told him.

''It is a bit, yeah,'' Steve agreed with a smile. ''Could have been worse though,''

''SHIELD invading our privacy not bad enough?''

''They could have made us keep going to therapy,''

Hayley stared at him for a moment before a smile pulled at her lips, chuckling as she began to walk.

''Come on, might as well do something with the day,'' she turned to him, seeing that he was already following behind.

Steve walked by her side down the street, wondering where they were going after taking numerous turns. The most exploring of New York he had done so far was walking a few blocks from the facility to the gym, but Hayley knew this city a lot better than he did. They passed stores that specialized in selling products he had never heard of, walked by people in costumes he didn't understand and saw more things in the twenty minute walk than he had since waking up.

Hayley noticed his confusion with everything they passed, but she didn't want to start the day by lecturing him on everything they saw. Steve wasn't a child, he understood very well that he had missed a lot of things while he was in the ice and Hayley wasn't going to baby him over it. She understood what her role was in this assignment though, however she had her own methods.

They continued walking until their surroundings became busier, the sidewalk much more crowded and the buildings a lot taller. Steve could feel his heart beating faster in his chest as he looked up at the flashing lights and screens on the side of the buildings, the sight reminding him of the first thing he saw when he woke up in this new world.

''Terrifying, right?'' Hayley looked up at him, folding her arms and making sure he was okay.

''It's not that bad,'' Steve responded in a voice just louder than a whisper, his hands slipping back into his pocket.

''You don't have to lie to me,'' she shook her head, looking back to the buildings.

Steve took a moment to process how crazy this environment was. He remembered running out into the street and seeing this, his first vision of the world since 1945, and he remembered it being just as busy that day as it was now. However with the adrenaline of waking up, having Nick Fury chase him into the street, he hardly had enough time or knowledge to realize how insane it all was.

Cars honked their horns, people yelled at one another and advertisements roared around him as the noises swirled in his head. He didn't know why she had brought him back here, Steve was sure he wasn't going to be able to stay here much longer. However when Hayley grabbed his arm and turned his attention to her, the noises around him softened slightly when she began talking.

''Steve, this is Times Square in New York City, one of the busiest, craziest and most technology-fueled places in the world,'' she began, holding his attention. ''This is as bad as it gets,''

''Why are we here then?'' he asked.

''Because if you can stand here and stay calm, you're gonna be just fine,'' she explained with a smile. ''I promise,''

Steve looked back at her with a nod, appreciating her faith in him even when he wasn't so sure himself. He had done a lot of unimaginable things in his life and Steve was sure there was nothing that would surprise or overwhelm him much anymore, but that was before he woke up. However he had a feeling he was indeed going to be just fine.

After walking around for a few minutes in the city, Hayley figured they might as well get a start back to the quieter streets. She wasn't a fan of the busy city either and she figured Steve had seen enough of it for now. She wanted him to know that Times Square was truly the craziest it was going to get in his world, that what he was dealing with didn't have to seem as complicated. Hayley just hoped she could help him through this. Steve had told her about refusing SHIELD's help and wanting to do this all on his own, but when she saw his face in the street just now and the confusion in his eyes, she knew that he wasn't okay.

Steve remained quiet as they walked further and further away from the busy area, wondering how so many people could fit in just a few streets. Before starting this day, Steve had no idea how Hayley was going to start this process. She was unreadable, he couldn't predict what she was going to be like and he was happily surprised that it didn't feel like the beginning of a lengthy mission, instead it felt like a friendship.

''You know New York pretty well,''

Hayley shrugged as they walked, looking over the traffic that passed.

''Well enough,''

''Did you grow up here?''

''No, I grew up in Chicago. I'm used to busy streets, but I still hate them,'' she huffed, people brushing against her shoulder as they passed. ''You did though, didn't you?''

''In Brooklyn, yeah,'' Steve nodded. ''Wasn't anywhere near this busy back then,''

''Have you been back?''

''No, not yet,'' he shook his head.

''We could go one day, if you want,''

''Yeah, that'd be good,''

They continued walking a few more streets in silence, slowly entering roads with fewer people. The entire city of New York was busy, but after being in Times Square it really put things into perspective. Steve was glad that he had gone back there and seen it for what it was. When he woke up and ran into the busy street, his mind was going that fast he couldn't process anything. But Hayley had assured him if he could stand there around all of that chaos he could get through everything else and Steve believed her.

As they continued their walk, Hayley began explaining to Steve that she really didn't have a plan for this whole thing. If he needed help with something he was unsure of, he was going to have to ask her about it. She couldn't read his mind and if this was going to work he had to stop being so stubborn about doing this all on his own. However, her lecture was brief, just wanting Steve to know that she would help him with anything, but he had to let her know.

Steve wanted to tell her the same thing, that she could talk to him about what she was going through or ask him for help, but he didn't know how to bring it up, and maybe he wasn't supposed to.

''Want a hotdog?'' Hayley asked, pointing at the vendor at the corner. ''I think you're the only person that can actually settle the debate on whether or not they've gone downhill or improved since the '40s, ''

Steve couldn't help the genuine laugh that escaped his lips. He was slowly realizing that one of the reasons he was more comfortable around Hayley was that she didn't give him pity over his situation. She didn't apologize for the inconvenience of him waking up almost 70 years later into the future, instead she spoke about it as if it was a common thing. He didn't feel so alienated around her.

''That's a lot of pressure,''

Hayley grinned as she walked over to the vendor, returning to him a few moments later and handing him the food. They were standing on the side of the road in the shade of the buildings, watching as the cars sped past and people continued on with their day. Everything seemed so normal. Steve hadn't felt that in a long time and Hayley didn't even know if she was capable of of it anymore, but here they were.

Eating in silence, Hayley and Steve both leaned back onto the building behind them and relaxed, observing everyone else around them. Steve would never grow bored of watching how much things had changed, but he was getting better at accepting it now. It had only been a few hours into their first day and Steve was already noticing how easier things were with Hayley.

''So what's the verdict?'' Hayley asked, her mouth still full of bread. ''Better or worse?''

''Well, considering I ate exactly three of these at Coney Island in 1940 and threw up, I haven't got much to go on,'' he explained, scrunching up the piece of paper in his hands. ''But they taste almost the same,''

Hayley shrugged, taking the last bite of her hotdog.

''I guess some things don't change,''

* * *

Despite her worries over the day, Hayley was surprised at how well it went. After they had finished walking around the city and the sun began to set, they both walked back to the facility and parted ways once inside. It didn't feel like it had been the first day of an assignment, it didn't even feel like they were doing anything because SHIELD made them, it was nothing like that. It was relaxing and it was easy.

Hayley hadn't had a day like that in a long time. Every day was the same to her and it usually consisted of being on her own. Being around Steve today made her realize how much she missed being happy. Joking with Steve and talking about things that didn't involve SHIELD, working out, training, field work or anything like that was surprisingly refreshing. It reminded her that her life wasn't always like this, that these past few months hadn't always been her life.

But once she was back in her apartment and alone again, all those happy thoughts in her mind faded away back to the darkness that had been plaguing her. She had tried to push past the thoughts and fall asleep, but she knew it was a waste of time.

The echoes of the guns, the rattling of the ground beneath her feet every time a bomb went off, the voices that called out to her and finally the feeling of warm blood on her skin all added up to Hayley jolting straight up in her bed, gasping for air. Her loud panting lasted a few seconds before she realized she was covered in sweat, her hair matted to her forehead and her skin radiating heat.

Throwing the blankets from her body, Hayley rushed into the bathroom and while fully clothed in her pajamas, stepped into the shower and turned on the icy cold water. She had found it to be a helpful remedy when waking up like that, but it was torturous. Her whole body trembled underneath the water in response to both her nightmare and the chill of the droplets, but she couldn't bring herself step back out yet. She had lost count of how many times she had repeated this routine, but it was only a cruel reminder that no matter how many good days she had, her horrors wouldn't stop following her.

* * *

Blake arrived at Hayley's apartment the next morning at eight to find her in the kitchen starting at a glass of green mush.

''What's that?'' he asked, walking over and taking his usual seat on the other side of the bench.

''A smoothie. But I changed the recipe about three times since I started so I have no idea what it is now,''

With a disgusted look on his face, Blake watched as Hayley drank the mixture, a blank expression on her face once she was done. Hayley was still against taking the pills that Dr Rafferty had prescribed to help her sleep and calm down, but she had grown desperate enough to research other methods. After spending three hours at the gym earlier in the morning when she had given up trying to sleep again, she had found a concoction that was supposed to help. However the taste might not have been worth it.

''No,'' she shook her head, sliding the glass away from her. ''Bad idea,''

Blake chuckled and shook his head.

''So how was yesterday?''

''It was fine,'' she shrugged.

''Really? I had a feeling you wouldn't exactly have a plan for it,'' Blake told her. ''I mean, you didn't seem excited or anything,''

''It's not really something to get excited about,''

''Excited for an assignment is what I meant. Being busy,'' he explained.

Hayley looked at him for a moment, wondering if he even understood that this assignment involved her having to help Steve adjust to this world, it wasn't supposed to be pleasant all the time. this was his life. However she understood he would be happy to see her busy after everything he had watched her go through.

''It's just a distraction,'' Hayley told him. ''I'm not stupid, I know that's one of the many reasons SHIELD gave me this. I want to and will help Steve, but I'm not giving up on what I want Blake,''

The man sighed, almost rolling his eyes at the fact that she wouldn't let it go. He understood she wanted to get back into things the way they were, but things couldn't just work out like that.

''O'Connor, you're not getting back onto the field until you're approved by Rafferty and right now-''

''Right now it's not happening, I know that,'' she snapped. ''Blake I've been fighting for almost five years of my life, I'm not ready to walk away from it yet,''

''Maybe you need to,'' he suggested.

Hayley glared at him and shook her head.

''You don't get to decide that, only I get to. I'd be a lot better at proving I'm ready to go back if Coulson would give me clearance to train,''

''You keep forgetting you have PTSD,'' he reminded her. ''You have to take care of yourself before you get back into training,''

''The only way to take care of myself is to get back into training! I need my old routine back,'' she tried to explain.

Blake desperately wanted to make it clear to her that she wasn't ready to go back, but he thought it might be best if that news came from her own realization. He had seen agents with PTSD coming back to work and they couldn't handle it. Certain things would trigger their memories of trauma and that's what it took for them to see that they needed help.

Hayley was a stubborn woman, possibly the most strong-willed person he knew, and she wasn't going to keep accepting SHIELD's refusal. She would keep bringing it up and pressing the issue because she was so convinced that getting back into the field was the right move, she hadn't even stopped to think about what would happen if she really was back out there.

''Fine,''

Hayley looked back at her friend with a confused expression, wondering what he was answering.

''What's fine?''

''You want to get back into training? Tomorrow I'll take you out to the ranges and we'll see how it goes,''

''Really?'' she asked. ''Just like that you'll take me out there?''

''Yeah, if you think you're so ready, why not?''

Hayley thought for a moment, trying to figure out why he had suddenly offered such a thing, but it was best not to argue it.

''I'm ready,''

* * *

_*Shelter From The Storm - Bob Dylan_

**Thanks for reading guys! Also if you want to know the inspiration for this story and where the title came from, listen to _Mess Is Mine _by_ Vance Joy,_ it's the perfect song for this story :)**


	5. Chapter 5

_I'm in a foreign state_  
_My thoughts they slip away_  
_My words are leaving me_  
_They caught an aeroplane_

* * *

''Right, and then if you press that you'll do a video call but I don't think many people do that anyway so don't worry about it,''

Hayley handed the phone back to Steve, watching as he nodded in understanding. He had asked her in the most subtle, shy way to explain a few basics to him so that he didn't feel so lost. It was hard for Steve to admit whenever he needed help, but asking about a few buttons on his phone shouldn't have been difficult. He just hated people looking at him with pity because he didn't understand things as well as they did.

''Oh right, and how do I stop those alerts?'' he asked, remembering another thing he wasn't sure about.

Hayley didn't get annoyed at any of his questions though, she just explained everything as carefully and easily as she could. They hadn't exactly had a plan for that day, both meeting one another at the gym for their usual workout which had turned into a technology session as they both sat on the hard floor. Steve was relieved that Hayley welcomed his questions instead of looking at him as if he was silly for not working it out on his own. It was far less intimidating than he thought it would be.

''Thanks, I appreciate it,'' Steve told her once she was finished explaining. ''Maybe I'll actually know how to use this thing now,''

''You'd be surprised by how many people don't know how to use their phone, it's not just you,'' Hayley assured. ''And considering they were far from invented in the 40's, I think you're allowed to not be an expert in that field,''

Steve shook his head.

''I don't like being so behind on everything,''

Hayley looked over to him, noticing the intense look on his face as if he was thinking about every single thing he had to catch up on. None of this was his fault, it wasn't fair that he was made to feel like this.

''Don't be so hard on yourself,'' she advised, nudging his shoulder. ''I know I'm not the best teacher but I _will_ help you catch up on everything you want to know,''

Turning to meet her gaze, Steve's lips turned into a grin as he admired her dedication.

''You're a good teacher,''

''You don't have to lie to me,'' Hayley chuckled. ''It's our second day together and I didn't even have a plan,''

''But I just learnt how to use my phone properly,'' he pointed out happily. ''You taught me,''

''That's true. Maybe we'll just wing this whole assignment, seems to be working so far,''

They fell into comfortably silence for a few minutes as they both looked around the empty gym that they claimed as their own. Steve never thought he would be this happy to have SHIELD helping him adjust to life, but it was all because of Hayley. She didn't make him feel like a 93 year old man that had woken up from ice or some alien that didn't understand anything about the world, she treated him like an equal and it had restored more of his confidence in one day than he had in weeks.

Hayley liked having someone to spend time with also. Blake was her best friend, but he was also a good friend of her brothers and she couldn't help somehow looking at him and seeing Nick. Blake was always worrying about her, it was hard to have a conversation without him analyzing everything she did. It was nice having someone else who didn't look at her like that, didn't see the damage that everyone else did.

''We need to add some stuff to this place,'' Hayley announced.

''Like what?''

''A couch for one thing,'' she grumbled, sitting up on the hard floor and crossing her legs. ''No one else comes here anyway, I basically own it. Also, it's the only place SHIELD can't see us, so I suggest we use it as our headquarters,''

Steve sat up too, leaning his elbows on his knees.

''Headquarters? Sounds professional,''

''It makes sense. SHIELD can't see us and I'll be able to tell you anything you want about the past 67 years,'' she shrugged. ''Plus I can't stand being in that building all day,''

''Me neither,'' Steve nodded. ''I don't agree with how SHIELD does things, setting up this place sounds a lot more appealing than anywhere else we can be tailed,''

''Good, we'll start setting it up tomorrow,'' she agreed, pausing for a moment. ''Oh wait,''

''What?''

''I'm...I can't tomorrow,'' she shook her head. ''I'm going to the shooting range,''

Steve's eyebrows creased in concern.

''By yourself?''

''No, with Blake, I still don't have clearance to any SHIELD training sessions. It's stupid,'' she rolled her eyes. ''But I have a chance to change that tomorrow,''

Something about the way Hayley spoke worried Steve. She was incredibly determined to get back into the field and even though they hadn't spoken about it in depth before, Steve knew that she was struggling with the fact that she couldn't. Blake had informed him on Hayley's diagnosis and he understood what had happened in her past which just made him all the more suspicious as to why Blake was taking her there.

Hayley knew that Steve was aware of her PTSD and had been told the basics of why she wasn't allowed back on the field, but she hadn't brought it up during their time together yet. She couldn't talk about it with him, she couldn't change him into one of the many people who looked at her differently, like she was broken and suffering. But tomorrow she could change that.

* * *

Steve hadn't noticed how quiet his apartment was until he heard someone knocking on the door the next morning. He was usually awake very early, trying to keep himself busy by reading books, articles and slowly expanding his knowledge on the past 67 years. Visitors were very rare, but in a SHIELD building Steve assumed it was because they were already keeping an eye on him from a distance.

''Captain Rogers, it's Agent Blake,''

When Steve opened the door, he found the man outside leaning against the wall with his arms folded and a yawn threatening to escape his lips. It took all of two seconds for Steve to remember that Blake was supposed to be accompanying Hayley to the shooting range that day and he immediately thought something had gone wrong.

''Is there a problem?'' he asked.

''No,'' Blake shook his head, pulling himself off the wall. ''I just wanted to ask if you'd like to join me and O'Connor today at the range,''

Steve thought for a moment.

''I don't think that's a good idea,''

''Why not?''

''Because I know how sensitive she is about getting back into training, I don't want to get in the way,''

''You won't be. Look, she's gonna need support today and since you two are in this assignment together now, I think today would be a good chance for her to know that you're there for her too,'' Blake explained.

Steve did want to help Hayley, he wanted her to know that he could be there for her just like she had been for him over the past few days. But this was personal, Steve didn't want to nudge himself into something he had nothing to do with.

''I don't know if she'd want me there, it's not my place,''

''She doesn't even want _me_ there. She's a horribly stubborn woman, but she needs to know she's got people who care whether she wants them or not,''

Blake was right, Hayley seemed like the person who would do absolutely everything on her own if she had to option. However in times like this she needed to know she had the support of those around and since Blake and Steve were the only people she had contact with, Steve wanted her to know that he was one of those people.

* * *

Hayley stared out the window of Blake's car as they drove further away from the busy streets and toward the off-site shooting range after Blake explained the SHIELD training range was in use. When he had come to pick her up that morning and Hayley saw Steve following behind him, she didn't know what to say. It wasn't that she didn't want Steve coming with them, she just didn't understand why he would want to be there.

However Hayley knew that it would have been Blake who extended an invitation to Steve, and she wasn't about to questions his decisions. If she argued or criticized anything, she knew that Blake would easily change his mind and not take her to the range. She couldn't get on site without him, therefore she remained quiet in the passenger seat. In fact they all remained quiet, wondering how the morning was going to go.

''So this place is gonna be all ours,'' Blake looked over to Hayley. ''I made sure,''

''Gee thanks. Everyone must think I have the plague or something,''

''Hey I'm just trying to make it as easy as possible for you,''

''I know,'' Hayley nodded.

Steve watched her from the backseat, noticing her fingers flexing into a fist and back out again. He knew that she was desperate to prove she was ready to go back into training, but she was clearly nervous.

Nothing else was said as they drove in through the gates and into a military-like training ground. There were large warehouses all over the place, all with specific equipment inside. Steve wondered if the training these days was the same as it used to be, he couldn't see it changing much through time, but nothing would surprise him if it did.

After continuing a few minutes down the road until they could finally see the targets in the distance, Blake pulled the car to a stop and looked over at his friend in the passenger seat. Hayley didn't show any nerves to Blake, no shakiness and no second thoughts. Instead, she opened her door and jumped out, stalking her way over to the benches.

''This is SHIELD's?'' Steve asked Blake as they both began following.

''All of it,'' Blake nodded. ''The military unit uses it mostly, but any SHIELD agent is permitted. It's pretty well hidden though,''

''Are you sure this is a good idea?'' Steve spoke quietly so only Blake could hear him.

They both looked over to Hayley who was glancing around the range, eyeing the targets in the distance and seeming to be in deep thought.

''She says she's ready, there's nothing I can do to change her mind,'' Blake sighed. ''Which is why I wanted you here too, because I think today she'll realize she's not,''

They walked over to where Hayley was standing and were met with a keen grin, one that assured them she wanted to do this. Hayley had been here many, many times to train, but being here now with Blake and Steve, everything felt different. She was sure that she could do this but she couldn't shake the nerves that were beginning to overtake her.

Blake unlocked one of the lockers nearby that put all other lockers to shame. It was clearly custom made for SHIELD as Blake swiped his I.D card in front of the hidden scanner and it opened itself up, six guns inside all waiting to be used. Steve stared at all of them, realizing how much they had even changed over time. There were two pistols and the others were rifles.

''We'll start with this today,'' Blake picked up one of the pistols, readying it for her.

Hayley nodded in response, looking over to Steve who seemed worried about the whole thing. She gave him a light smile in return, trying to let him know this was all fine.

''Are you doing some target practice today?'' she asked him.

''Just observing today,'' Steve shook his head. ''I think it's safe to say guns have upgraded quite a lot since I last used one,''

''We'll have to get you into training one day,'' Blake told him.

Hayley walked off and stood by one of the markers, looking out into the field. It had been a long time since she had seen those targets in the distance. Everything looked the same as she remembered, but so different as well. The last time she was here her team was getting ready to leave for Europe on SHIELD's orders for an operation, but even though they had gone on many before, Hayley remembered feeling eerie about that one. It turned out to be the operation that would change her life and take away someone she loved forever.

Standing off to the side, Steve watched as Hayley stared out at the targets, wondering if she was okay. He could see she was thinking about something, the way her eyes were narrowed and her teeth looked like they were biting into the lip. However she stopped once she heard Blake walking toward her.

''Okay,'' he took a deep breath. ''Are you ready?''

Feeling her heart pounding hard for the first time, Hayley nodded in reply. She didn't know if Blake looked disappointed when he began handing her the gun, but she didn't care, her eyes were fixed on the grip of the pistol. She hadn't shot a gun since that day, in fact she hadn't even held one, but she was prepared for this. Just like taking Steve to Times Square on their first day of helping him adjust, she was starting with the worst it could get.

Blake stepped away then, letting her decide on a target and focus, joining Steve off to the side to observe.

Taking her few steps over to her mark, Hayley thought they had added a ton of weight to the small pistol since the last time she'd held one. It felt unbelievably heavy in her hands, it's presence the only thing on her mind as she lifted it up, cupping her other hand. Hayley knew how to do this, how to focus on a target and pull the trigger but right now everything seemed so complicated.

She could feel Blake and Steve's gaze on her as she stood there a while longer, feeling the gun in her hand and taking a deep breath. This would be her chance to show everyone she was still the same soldier she had always been. Her skill took over when she focused on the target out in the field, pausing for a few brief seconds before pulling the trigger.

_O'Connor!_

The noise pierced through her ears as the gun's vibration rattled through her hands and up her arms. As soon as the bullet left the gun, her head began pounding faster than she ever thought possible.

_O'Connor! Get down! _

Hayley's chest was heaving now, her breathing coming out in uneven gasps. Everything in front of her was blurring, her vision mixing with her worst memories. Soldier's voices echoed through her mind as she tried to regain her focus on the target, but she couldn't escape them. The sound of the bullet firing just took her right back to where she was that day, her brother standing in front of her with wide eyes as he realized a bullet had just hit the side of his chest.

_''O'Connor is down!''_

_Hayley ran over to her brother who was only metres away, dropped to his knees as he clutched his chest. The other soldiers moved around them, pushing the line further as to get the fighting away and allow for a medical team to come in. _

_''Nick!'' she shook her head, her hands holding his shoulders. ''Hey, look at me Nick, don't look at that!''_

_''Shot,'' he murmured, his voice soft and disbelieving. ''I got shot,''_

_Nick's bulletproof vest proved to be useless. The bullet had managed to hit him from the side as his arm was raised, piercing through the small unguarded area and into his chest. He groaned as he fell forward, Hayley moving fast to catch him and kneel down to hold him._

_''Medic's are coming now Nick,'' she told him._

_''It hurts Hayls,'' _

_Hayley felt warmth on her arm, looking to see that his blood was quickly spilling onto her skin. It was a gruesome sight, but she couldn't let herself be taken by it. She had to focus on keeping her brother calm while the med team found their way over. There was so much blood, it was all happening too fast._

_''It's okay Nick,'' she told him, her voice trembling along with her hands as she held his head in her lap. ''People get shot,''_

_''People get shot,'' he repeated with a nod, trying to remain calm through the pain. ''I don't...''_

_''Shh, just relax-''_

_Hayley was cut off by an explosion in the distance rumbling through the ground. Instead of worrying about that though, she kept her hold on her brother and looked around for the med team who were nowhere in sight. They were alone._

_''They'll be here soon Nick just hold on,'' she encouraged. _

_Nick grabbed her hand in his, gripping it with whatever strength he had left. Hayley could see his skin draining of color, but there was nothing she could do. She could hear his breathing dying down to faint gasps, his hands slowly falling from her hands. _

_''Nick?'' she asked, her fingers shaking as she put her hand on his cheek. ''Hey, keep your eyes open Nick,''_

_When he didn't respond, Hayley began shaking his shoulders._

_''Nick? Come on Nick. Open your eyes Nick! Nick!''_

''Hayley,'' Blake's voice came into her ears. ''Calm down, let go of the gun,''

When Hayley looked down at her hands, her knuckles were white from how tight her grip was and her hands were shaking uncontrollably. She faintly tasted blood in her mouth where she had been biting down on her lip as Blake managed to pry the gun from her hands.

Steve was nearby soon enough, staring at Hayley with concern as Blake unloaded the gun.

''Hey, it's okay,'' he told her as she looked up at him.

Hayley's hands were trembling as if she had been in a car wreck, her breath escaping in uneven, shaky breaths. Blake looked over to her with concern, but he didn't seem surprised by her reaction.

That was her chance to prove she was ready to go back into the field and she had completely ruined it. She had been pushing those memories so far back in her mind that she thought she didn't have to think about it anymore, that she could busy herself again and move on. However with one gunshot, it all came rushing back and ruined her.

Watching her made Steve wish he could make things better. He saw how distressed she was, her hands balled into fists as she tried to silently calm herself down. If anyone was in denial about her having PTSD, this moment right now was proof enough that it was serious.

''Come on, it's okay,'' Blake put his hand on her shoulder, but she didn't even respond. ''We don't have to do this today,''

Hayley moved away from his hand, walking over to his car and getting in. She couldn't think about people trying to comfort her right now, she needed to fix her mind on her own. Blake and Steve watched from a distance as she put her head in her hands, hoping she was going to be okay.

''You shouldn't have brought her here,'' Steve shook his head.

''She needed to realize she wasn't ready,''

''She didn't need to go through that,''

''It was the only way for her to see that she needs help. Bottling stuff up doesn't work and I'd rather her see that here at a range than out there on the field,'' Blake explained.

Steve understood, but he didn't know if he agreed. He knew what it was like to be haunted by memories, he didn't like seeing that happen to Hayley.

* * *

The whole drive back to the SHIELD building was spent in silence, no one knowing what to say. Both Steve and Blake occasionally glanced at Hayley worriedly to see if she was okay, but she didn't move her attention away from the window. Once they had made it back to the building, Hayley had basically ran from the car after briefly muttering to them that she wanted to be on her own and after everything she had done so far that day, they didn't argue.

However, hours later, after Blake had explained that it was best to leave Hayley to deal with this on her own, Steve had made his way up to her apartment. Even if she had a routine for dealing with this sort of thing happening, Steve didn't feel right letting her be alone all day after the morning she had been through. But when he found her apartment and received no answer at her door, he became worried.

Luckily Hayley had taught him plenty about his phone.

''Agent Blake?''

''Steve? Everything okay?''

''Hayley's not answering her door,'' he explained. ''I don't think she's okay,''

There was a long pause on the other line before a long sigh.

''I'll be there soon,''

* * *

_*Wings - Birdy_


	6. Chapter 6

Twenty minutes later, Blake had arrived and met Steve at Hayley's apartment. Using his spare key to get inside, Blake searched the rooms for any sign of his friend but soon came to the clear conclusion that she just wasn't here. SHIELD monitored everyone in this building when they came and left and it wasn't until he remembered her surveillance, along with Steve's, had been lowered as an agreement to their assignment that he realized she could be anywhere.

''Damn it Hayley,'' he shook his head, angry walking around her apartment.

''We have to find her,'' Steve put his hands on his hips. ''She's not stable,''

''I know,'' Blake sighed, running his hands through his hair in frustration. ''Takes me right back to a few months ago, she done this all the time. I'd come around looking for her and she'd be gone,''

''Where did she go?''

Before Blake could answer, he heard his phone ringing in his pocket. At first Steve thought it might have been Hayley, but when he saw Blake's disappointed expression, he figured otherwise.

''Hey Don,'' he answered in a voice that suggested he had the following conversation many times before. ''Yeah, I was beginning to think so. Okay, I'll be there soon, thanks for this,''

Sliding his phone back into his pocket, Blake pinched the bridge of his nose in anger and exhaustion as Steve watched him nervously. Blake was easier to read than Hayley was, Steve could tell how frustrating this whole situation was for him but he still didn't know what the phone call meant.

''I take it that wasn't Hayley,''

''No, but I know where she is,''

* * *

The sun was setting fast as Blake parked his car next to the curb in an area Steve was unfamiliar with. However considering how little he had gone sightseeing and exploring since he woke up, it didn't surprise him. He followed Blake onto the sidewalk and looked around, wondering where Hayley could be around here or how she even got here. Blake had explained that she was somewhere he used to find her all the time.

''This doesn't seem right,'' Steve commented as they walked down an alley.

''It's not the nicest place,''

Once Blake had found the right door, he braced himself and walked inside, gesturing for Steve to follow. It wasn't long before music began to echo from down the narrow hall which lead them into a bar. Steve was shocked to see that this particular bar seemed to remind him of the ones he remembered in the 40's when he and Bucky would try and sneak inside. It was dark and had old furniture, the long wooden bar had cracks through it and there were a total of six people in the place, all split up into their own booths or slumped over the bar itself.

Hayley was one of those people.

''I'm sorry Blake,'' the barman walked over, his hands resting heavily on the bench. ''I was out all afternoon, I got a new guy workin' the afternoons and he didn't know we're not supposed to serve her,''

''It's okay, if she wasn't getting wasted here it would have been somewhere else in New York,'' he shrugged. ''At least I know where she is here,''

Steve walked over to Hayley as Blake followed behind him, concern taking over. She had her head resting on top of her arm on the bar while her other hand lazily gripped an empty glass. Steve finally realized how she had been dealing with her problems for the past few months. The answer lined the shelves in front of him. Alcohol.

''Hayley?'' Blake spoke, his hands pushing all the hair from her face. ''Hey wake up O'Connor,''

Hayley grumbled in response, turning her head away from him and burying it into her arm.

''How much did you drink?'' Steve asked her.

''Almost the whole damn supply,'' a man a few stools down replied. ''Quietest drunk I've ever met though I'll tell you that,''

Steve frowned, looking back to the now unconscious woman. He wanted to be angry at her for choosing his method of dealing with things, but he remembered a time that didn't seem so long ago to him when he had tried to do the same. When Bucky died, Steve drank bottles and bottles of scotch, whiskey, anything he could get his hands on, but it done nothing. The serum prevented him from getting drunk, it was useless. But he saw the appeal. There were problems to deal with if you were too drunk to remember them.

Blake checked her over a few times, making sure that she was okay before trying to wake her up again. He tilted her head to the side and saw her eyes still closed, no intention of waking up for a conversation.

''Damn it,'' Blake shook his head, putting his hands on his hips. ''Two whole months without a drink and now this,''

''She went through a lot this morning,''

''No, she promised me no more of this no matter what. She promised she would try and get better,''

''She is trying,'' Steve defended firmly. ''She's been putting on a smile for you and everyone else every day to try and prove that she can handle it, she's bound to have her bad days. Blake, you can't blame her for wanting to drown out everything that happened today,''

''I'm not blaming her,'' Blake threw his hands up. ''I'm just...I can't watch her do this to herself anymore. For months I saw her in this routine, I can't do it anymore. She needs to talk to someone or it's going to get worse,''

Steve agreed with him there, she did need to talk to someone and he vowed to somehow reach out to her. Hayley needed to figure this out instead of drinking away everything that hurt her, and he was going to help her in anyway he could.

''Let's get her home,'' Blake sighed, beginning to lift her arm.

''I got it,'' Steve insisted, stepping forward and wrapping his arms under her shoulders and legs, lifting her into his arms.

Hayley's head rolled onto his shoulder and rested there as Steve began walking out behind Blake, glad to get out of this place. He might not have known Hayley very well just yet and they may have only just begun their friendship, but it pained him to see her like this.

* * *

Hayley had been leaning against Steve in the backseat for the entire drive home, completely unconscious. Every now and then Steve gently pushed her hair away from her face, checking to make sure she was okay before looking back out the windows at the lit up city.

When they finally made it back to the building, Steve carefully gathered Hayley back up into his arms after hearing her grumble unhappily. It only took a few seconds for her to fall back to sleep, her head once again resting on his shoulder as he walked toward the door of the SHIELD facility. Both he and Blake were happy that there weren't any agents or officers roaming the halls as they made their way up the stairs, Steve insisting he could take her to her apartment.

Once they made it to her door, Blake had enough time to open it and let Steve inside before answering his phone. The life of a SHIELD agent proved rather busy. Steve maneuvered around Hayley's furniture with care as he found his way to her bedroom, gently laying her down and make sure her head rested comfortably on the pillow before standing back up straight.

Hayley let out a few tiny groans as she adjusted to the change, her breathing returning to normal once she fell back into her deep sleep. Steve watched her for a while, wondering if she was going to wake up and be confused by what was happening, but she didn't. She looked so peaceful, Steve found it heartbreaking that she had to intoxicate herself so much just to get away from her own nightmares.

When he left her room a few moments later, he made his way back to Blake in the living room who was just finishing his phone call.

''Hey, she awake?''

''No, completely out of it,'' Steve shook his head.

''Listen, I have something in Washington I have to get to, I can't back out,'' he explained. ''I don't like leaving right now but...''

''It's your job,'' Steve nodded. ''It's okay, she's lucky to have someone who would do what you did for her tonight, I'm sure she'll appreciate it,''

''I just want her to get better,''

''It'll take time, but I promise I'm going to try and talk to her,'' Steve told him. ''And I'll stay here with her until she wakes up,''

''Thanks Steve,'' Blake put his hand on the man's shoulder. ''You're a good man,''

A few moments later, Steve was left on his own in Hayley's apartment. He stood in the middle of the room, looking around as if he was lost, the sound of Hayley's rhythmic breathing from her bedroom the only noise he could hear. It made him feel better knowing that she was resting for a while, hopefully until morning, because he knew how much she needed some sleep. Just like he did, but right now that could wait.

Steve had taken up occupancy on Hayley's couch, reading one of the books he had found on her coffee table with _Harry Potter_ written on the cover. Every now and then he would notice her soft snores die away but it only took a few moments for them to pick back up again, reassuring him she was still asleep. Steve didn't know what to expect when she woke up. She could be mad at him and Blake for finding her, embarrassed and ashamed at herself or she could shut him out completely and leave again. He wasn't going to let her do this to herself again though, Steve was going to start picking up his end of the assignment's requirements. But it wasn't for SHIELD's sake, he genuinely wanted to help Hayley.

A few hours had passed and the darkness outside was slowly becoming lighter. Steve had dozed off a few times on the couch only to be awoken by his paranoia, looking around quickly to remember he wasn't in his apartment. Hayley's place was a lot different to what he had expected. There wasn't much of anything. No shelves full of belongings and ornaments, no pictures hanging on the wall, nothing that made it clear Hayley lived there. But Steve knew that Hayley wouldn't have wanted to get too comfortable here since her main goal was getting back out, so she never let herself make a home.

In the middle of scanning around the room lazily from the couch in the early hours of the morning, Steve could hear Hayley's breathing beginning to change in the bedroom across from him. It was faster, panicked, as if she was hyperventilating. He hesitated for a moment before getting up and making his way over to the door, gently pushing it open slightly to see if she was okay.

Hayley's right hand was wrapped around her left arm, her fingers digging into the skin as if she was trying to break through the bones and her eyebrows creased together with concern. Steve didn't know if he should do something since she was clearly suffering a nightmare and he knew that waking someone up was a terrible idea. He was sure that if someone woke him from the nightmares he had, it wouldn't end well. However as Hayley's breathing became more panicked, Steve noticed that her nails were piercing through her skin.

''Hey,'' Steve walked over to her, kneeling down and putting his hand carefully on her arm. ''Hayley?''

''It won't come off,'' she replied in a hazy whisper.

Her fingers kept digging further into her skin as she remained in her nightmare, Steve watching on helplessly. He didn't want to wake her up, but if he didn't she was going to end up hurting herself. Prying his fingers beneath hers to try and pull her away, Steve almost had her hand away from her arm before Hayley jolted up in her bed, eyes wide with fear.

''It's okay,'' Steve put his hands up in surrender, immediately trying to show her he wasn't going to hurt her. ''It's just me, Steve,''

Hayley stared at him, her chest heaving before looking down at her arm and seeing the red and swollen marks from her fingers. It was far from the first time this had happened and even though Steve was there, Hayley had to get up and rush to the bathroom, running into the shower and putting on her cold water. It was the only way she could truly wake herself up, shock herself back to reality instead of dreams.

Steve stood up and walked over to the bathroom door that she had left open, discovering the woman in the shower, fully clothed with her head hanging low in shame. Her brown hair soon became drenched, sticking to the sides of her face as she let the chilling water wash over her. Steve understood that this was her routine, her way of dealing with the dreams. Everyone had their own method.

He felt rude standing there as she tried to calm herself down, but just as he was about to leave the room, Hayley stopped the water and stared over to him. Steve tried to give her a light smile to show her that it was okay, she didn't need to be embarrassed, but Hayley just looked back at him sadly. Being the gentleman he was, Steve hurried over to the bathroom as she took a step out of the shower and reached for a towel to wrap around her shoulders, tucking it into her hands.

''You don't need to,'' Hayley told him with a shaky voice.

''I want to,'' Steve insisted, putting his hands on her shoulders.

Hayley looked up at him and pushed the hair away from her eyes, wishing that he didn't have to see her like this. Then everything started coming back to her. Drinking at that bar all afternoon, desperately trying to make herself forget everything she had been through that day. She vaguely remembered hearing Blake talk to her while she was passed out against the bar, and she also remembered hearing Steve.

They had both come to get her which meant Steve had seen where she was, what she had been doing to herself.

* * *

A few moments later, after Steve had left her to herself, Hayley emerged from her room in clean clothes; a grey t-shirt and black shorts, her hair still damp. She had wrapped her arm in a light bandage to cover the numerous cuts she had given to herself during her nightmare. Steve met her in the living room with a glass of water, figuring she wouldn't be feeling too well. Hayley accepted the glass with a smile, taking a seat on the couch as he stood nearby.

''I'm sorry,''

''For what?'' Steve asked.

''Everything,'' she shook her head. ''You shouldn't have to deal with this, these are my problems not yours,''

Steve sighed, folding his arms as he looked to her.

''You don't have to do this on your own, you can talk to people,''

''I should be over it,'' she told him. ''It's been almost 6 months since...I should be back on the field like everyone else and instead I can't even shoot a gun without having a panic attack,''

''There's no time limit on trauma, you deal with it for as long as it takes and sometimes it doesn't go away,'' Steve told her, knowing very well that all of those memories would never leave him. ''Don't take that out on yourself,''

Hayley ran her fingers through her damp hair, closing her eyes as she took a deep breath. She didn't know if it was still the alcohol in her system or the fact that she still felt exhausted, but all she wanted to do was cry. She held it together though.

''Why can't I move on from it?'' she asked, looking up at Steve with pleading eyes.

''Because you've been trying to deal with it all by yourself, you haven't talked to anyone,''

Steve was aware that he was sounding hypocritical. When Bucky died, Steve isolated himself just like Hayley did. He didn't want to talk to anyone because he was so sure it wasn't going to help. Reliving the memory wasn't going to help, nothing was going to let him move on except the hope that he could take down Hydra. Hayley's hope was getting back into the field and fighting, but it was impossible.

Hayley needed help no matter how fiercely she denied it.

''I don't know how to talk about it,'' she admit to him.

''Maybe you should go back to Dr Rafferty-''

''No,'' she shook her head immediately. ''I can't talk to someone who's gonna analyze me the whole time and look at me like I'm weak, Rafferty doesn't understand. SHIELD doesn't understand, I can't turn to them,''

''Then talk to me,''

Hayley looked up at him, seeing that he was serious.

''Steve...''

''You've helped me, let me help you,'' he urged. ''I'm not going to push you into it, but I can't watch you do this to yourself, I want to help,''

''This is my mess, you're the last person I want to drag into it,''

''You're not dragging me into it, I want to help you,'' he insisted. ''I'm your friend,''

Hayley smiled up at him.

''I know that, but...'' Hayley paused, her lip almost trembling. ''I don't want you to look at me like everyone else does,''

Steve's eyebrows creased in concern.

''Like what?''

''Like I'm completely broken. They looked at me like I'm weak and I don't want you to look at me like that, I don't want you to pity me,''

''I would never,'' Steve shook his head. ''I think you're far from weak. You have PTSD and yet you picked up and fired a gun yesterday, that wasn't weak, that was brave. Someone who was completely broken wouldn't fight back like that,''

Hayley had to turn away from him, unable to believe that someone would think that of her. She didn't see herself as brave no matter how many times she tried to fight back against her diagnosis.

''I just want it to leave me alone,'' she shook her head. ''The nightmares, the sounds,''

''I know,'' Steve reached out to put his hand on her shoulder. ''Me too,''

''I hate myself because I wish I wasn't there, I wish I didn't see it when he...'' she took a moment to take a breath, but when she looked up at Steve with watery eyes, her voice came out in a whisper. ''I miss him,''

Then before she knew it, she was doing something she hadn't let herself do in a long time. Hayley started crying.

Steve scooted next to her and pulled her onto his shoulder, wrapping his arm around her and rubbing her arm soothingly. In a way he was glad she was crying, she was finally seeing how much this was impacting her and was comfortable enough around him to let go like this, but it almost broke his heart to hear her sobs. He had never saw her like this, but he knew it meant progress.

Steve wasn't sure how much he would be able to help her or if she would take his offer seriously and open up to him, but in that moment when she was crying in his arms, he knew he wouldn't give up on her.

* * *

**Hey guys thanks for reading, leave a review and let me know what you think :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey here's another chapter, hope you guys enjoy it and please review, I'd love to know what you all think of the story so far :) Thanks for reading.**

* * *

_We have no past we won't reach back_  
_Keep with me forward all through the night_  
_And once we start the meter clicks_  
_And it goes running all through the night_  
_Until it ends there is no end_

* * *

Steve had let Hayley lean on him for as long as she needed, running his hand soothingly along her arm as she tried to stop her sobs. It had been a long time since Hayley had let herself do this and she couldn't help feeling embarrassed that her body and mind had chosen that moment with Steve to do so.

After pulling herself away from him, Hayley had excused herself to go have a hot shower in hopes to make herself feel better. Not only was she dealing with the fact she had just had a meltdown in Steve's arm, but the consequences from her evening of continuous drinking were finally surfacing. Hayley had argued that Steve didn't need to stay with her, but he had insisted he stay, using the excuse that since the sun was now up, they were technically back on assignment and therefore would be spending the day together anyway.

Hayley hated looking at herself in the mirror. She looked exhausted with dark circles under her eyes and messy hair that she managed to brush down to sit just on her shoulders. Opening up the medicine cabinet, Hayley pulled out a bottle of Pepto Bismol and walked back out into the living room. Steve was nowhere in sight and for a moment she thought he might have actually left. She was surprised by the pang of disappointment she felt when she thought she was alone again, but she soon found the man in her kitchen.

''I was going to make you something to eat,'' he explained when he heard her take a seat at the bench.

''Oh, I don't really have the biggest selection of...well anything. And you don't have to do that,''

''I know, but I wanted to. You should eat something,''

''Maybe later,'' she nodded, unscrewing the cap on the pink bottle.

Steve looked at her with concern as she gulped down a few mouthfuls of it's contents. Hayley saw his gaze.

''It's medicine,'' she told him, putting the lid back on and pushing it away. ''It helps with nausea,''

''Are you feeling sick?''

''My stomach feels a little off, but I guess I deserve that,''

Steve leaned against the bench, watching as Hayley rubbed her eyes tiredly. Even with her few hours of unconsciousness, she still hadn't caught up on enough sleep to get her through the day without a yawn.

''Are you okay?'' he asked. ''And I'm not talking about nausea,''

Hayley looked up at him with an appreciative smile.

''Yeah, I'll be okay. I just haven't done that in a while, it kind of took me by surprise,'' she told him. ''Thanks for that,''

''Anytime, I mean it. If you want to talk, cry or you just don't want to be alone, I'm here for you,'' he told her.

Looking up at him with a smile, Hayley couldn't help notice the slight tinge of red on his cheeks when their eyes met. Steve wasn't used to talking to people like this, at least not lately anyway.

''That goes for you too,'' Hayley reminded. ''Don't be stupid like me and run off to get wasted when you're having a bad day,''

''You're not stupid,''

''Well, it definitely wasn't my smartest idea,''

Steve thought for a moment, watching as Hayley unscrewed the lid of the pink bottle once again and took another swig, trying her best to settle her stomach. He was very familiar with being sick, he had spend most of his childhood suffering the fallout of the various conditions he had, but he had never experienced a hangover before.

''I did try your method before,'' Steve began. ''Back in 1945,''

''You ran off to get wasted?''

''My best friend Bucky...he died one day on a mission right in front of me. I watched the whole thing and I couldn't stop it,''

Hayley listened carefully, her eyes locked on Steve as he spoke. She had heard about Bucky Barnes' death, he was the only Howling Commando to die during their missions, but it all seemed so surreal to hear Steve actually talk about it. She could hear the pain in his voice as he skimmed over the details, not wanting to concentrate too much on it.

''When we got back to base, I couldn't be around everyone talking about it. I found the bar down the road that had been blown up, found a bottle of scotch and started drinking. But it turns out because of the serum I couldn't get drunk anyway,''

''You can't get drunk?''

Steve shook his head.

''But I'm sure that if I could, I wouldn't have stopped drinking from that point onward. I would have done anything to get away from it, to take something that helped me forget and let me sleep without watching Bucky die over and over again. But it's no way to live. Your problems just follow you wherever you go until you deal with them,''

''How did you deal with them? Since you couldn't get drunk,''

''I killed the guy responsible, took down Hydra, ended up submerged in ice and then woke up here,'' he told her. ''Now that I say it, I might not be the best example,''

Hayley gave a slight chuckle before shaking her head.

''That's all I wanted to do. I wanted to go back out and fight against all the bad guys that are just like the ones who killed my brother, but I can't. I want to do what you did for Bucky and I know it sounds like revenge but it's not,''

''It's redemption. You have to get justice for them,'' Steve nodded. ''I get it. But getting back out into the field isn't the only way to deal with everything,''

''It's the only way I now. For years I've been on the field with the military and then SHIELD, I have no where else to go. I can't go see my parents in Chicago because I can't face them after what happened, I can't go through SHIELD's system and I can't quit all of this because there's nothing else out there for me. I've never been good at opening up to people and in my line of work I haven't needed to, but I've never come to a road block like this. I can't do anything,''

Steve watched her try and explain how she felt, sensing how rare it was for her to do this. There were a few trembles in the words, a few short pauses as she tried to find the right way to say what she needed to, but Steve understood her just fine. Dealing with things wasn't exactly his area of expertise either but with the life he had, there had been no choice but to adjust and try to move on.

However he didn't know what advice he could pass on, he was still dealing with his problems just as she was, but he did know that he could offer a shoulder to lean on, and maybe that was better than anything else he could say to her.

''No one's asking you to quit, but no one want to see you get hurt,'' he told her. ''You've got people who care about you too much to let that happen, one of them being me,''

Hayley looked over to him with a smile.

''Right back at you Rogers,'' she pointed jokingly. ''Although I have a feeling the other person isn't my biggest fan right now,''

''Blake's just protective of you, he'll understand,''

''No he won't. I've done this too many times for him to understand, he probably hates me by now,''

''Hey, there's no way he could hate you. You just need to tell him what you just told me, he'll understand,'' Steve encouraged.

''I can't,'' she shook her head. ''I can't talk to Blake, he lost my brother too, I can't keep making him relive it like I do. I can't worry him anymore than I have,''

* * *

Steve had returned home to his apartment late that afternoon when Blake finally arrived back from his assignment. Even though he had spent all day with her talking, Steve didn't exactly want to go home. His apartment was empty, silent, there was no memories in here and it only made him miserable to reminisce about everything he had missed. He liked helping Hayley, even if his part was only to sit there and let her cry or listen to her when she spoke up.

Steve knew that Hayley was a closed off person much like himself and therefore he understood how big a deal it was for her to be talking to him like she was. It was a big improvement on what she was normally like, but he knew she had a long way to go. Just as he did.

Coping with living in a new time wasn't easy, but Steve dealt with it. He felt hypocritical to be telling Hayley she needed to talk to someone about everything going on when he couldn't even bring himself to admit to her that he wasn't okay either. They both had so much to work on personally, but they couldn't do it alone.

A few hours later when Steve had settled in to sit on the couch and watch a rerun of old television shows, Blake turned up at his door.

''Hey, I'm sorry I know you've been dealing with Hayley all day-''

''I haven't been dealing with her, I've been trying to help her,'' Steve corrected as he closed the door behind the agent.

''Yeah, that's what I meant. I just wanted to stop by and tell you again that I appreciate you looking out for her today when I wasn't here,''

''It's no problem,'' Steve shrugged.

''It means a lot to me,'' Blake continued. ''I've looked out for her for a long time now on my own and I know she's a big girl but I worry, you know? It's nice that I didn't have to worry when you were here with her,''

Steve smiled in appreciation.

''Well, I just want her to get better, and she will. You just need to give her more time, she'll get there,''

''I know, I've got to stop treating her like a kid apparently. We had a pretty big discussion about it all, I think we're on a good track now,''

''So you didn't lecture her about the drinking?''

''Oh I tried, but she quickly stopped me and explained that it was something she's been using as a crutch and she was going to do her best to rely on something else, maybe herself. I have a feeling you had a lot to do with helping her see things better,''

''Oh, no I didn't do anything-''

''You did, and she appreciates it. She trusts you and your opinion more than mine, probably because you understand a lot better than I do,'' Blake sighed, turning back to the door. ''Anyway, thanks Steve,''

Hearing the door click shut and leaving him in his apartment alone once again, Steve leaned back on the wall and let out a long breath. It was only now he was realizing how tired he was, but he knew it wasn't going to be easy getting a good sleep. However after the day he had with Hayley, we was willing to give it a chance, to move on.

_She trusts you._

* * *

Hayley looked at her reflection in the mirror the next morning as he chest heaved, trying to catch her breath. A typical morning, nothing different about it. Her hair was dripping with freezing cold water, her body trembling in response to both the nightmare and the cold water it had been exposed to. This was just another thing she had to deal with, it would be bearable, she could do it.

There was no reason to freak out and run, she couldn't do that anymore. She wasn't going to let herself be completely controlled by her condition, she was going to do everything she could to move on. Steve had told her that there was no time limit on trauma or grief, and she had realized that was what had been doing her damage all this time, that was what had been holding her back. Hayley didn't think she was worthy of still being upset by her brother's death, by still seeing him bleeding in her arms when she tried to sleep, by reliving that day over and over in her head. She had been rushing herself to get over it, but she didn't need to.

There was no time limit on grief, unfortunately. The only thing she could do was accommodate it, learn to live with the fact it would be following her through her life everywhere. She would accept it, work on dealing with it, but she wasn't going to let it get in her way anymore.

That day Hayley had woken up with a new outlook on life, a much more positive one, and although she knew she would have her bad days every now and then, she was sure that today wasn't going to be one of them.

Steve had just pulled on a t-shirt when he heard someone knocking on his door. He had managed to get more sleep the night before than any other, but he was still awoken by the sound of echoing gunshots and explosions. It would never truly leave him.

When he opened the door, he was pleased to be met with Hayley smiling back at him. She was wearing dark blue jeans and a grey shirt with a leather jacket, her hair down in a way that he hadn't seen before. Although he had always thought Hayley was attractive, he had never really noticed it as much as he was right now. Maybe it was the genuine smile on her lips.

''Hey,'' he greeted, his lips turning into a smile as well, mirroring her own.

''Morning,'' she returned, walking inside when Steve gestured for her.

''How do you feel today? I mean with the nausea and all,''

''No nausea anymore. I feel really good today, which is weird. I haven't felt good in a long time,'' she admit.

''That's good then,'' Steve nodded, happy for her.

''Do you have any plans today?''

Steve pretended to think for a moment, knowing fully well that he had absolutely zero plans for his day. Apart from going to the gym sometime, his days were always clear.

''No, I don't think so,''

''What would you say about going to visit your hometown today?'' she asked cautiously. ''You don't have to, I just thought it's a nice day and-''

''Yeah,'' Steve cut in eagerly. ''T-that sounds great actually,''

''Really?''

''Yeah, I've been wanting to go back for a while,'' he nodded. ''I just don't know how I'll...react,''

''Well I'll be with you the whole time, and if you don't want to be there, just tell me. No explanations or anything, we'll just go,''

Steve looked to Hayley with a smile, amazed that someone going through such struggles could still find enough it in herself to spend the day helping someone else, helping him. Hayley knew that Steve had wanted to go back to Brooklyn and she remembered days ago telling him that they would go one day, and after everything Steve had done for her yesterday, she thought it was the perfect opportunity.

* * *

It had only taken a few minutes for Steve to ready himself for the journey back to his hometown where all of this really began. Pulling on a brown leather jacket and grabbing his keys, Steve met Hayley out in the hall moments later and close his door, ready to go.

They were taking the subway to Brooklyn and Hayley briefed him on the basics of the system, telling him that it was best to just keep to yourself on the subway these days. It wasn't the nicest of places to be considering they were going to be in a crowded carriage full of people that were rude and in a rush.

''I was punched on a subway once,'' Hayley told him. ''Right in my nose, I thought I broke it,''

''Why?'' Steve asked, concerned for their journey now.

''I was sixteen and me and my friend Lisa were taking the Subway to New York late at night, being irresponsible, and I bumped into another girl's boyfriend and he caught me from falling so she punched me in the face,''

''Because her boyfriend helped you?''

Hayley nodded.

''I didn't understand either, but I didn't take the subway at night ever again until I was older. It's a scary place at night,'' she told him. ''I don't mean to scare you, I'm just saying this place is full of many not-so-nice people,''

''Yeah I've noticed,'' he nodded as they crossed the road, reaching the stairs leading to the underground station.

They didn't speak much on the subway, too distracted by the amount of people around them. A man had nudged Steve when he walked into the carriage, not bothering to apologize and pushing on through the crowd. Steve resisted the urge to say anything, knowing that people these days were nothing like the people he used to know. Courtesy and manners had gone downhill, nothing he said was going to change that.

Hayley and Steve stood very close together as their journey began, the group of people pushing them further and further until Hayley was wedged between the wall and Steve's chest.

''Sorry,'' Steve blushed, trying to make more room but not being able to even budge the crowd around them.

''It's okay, it's probably another ten minutes until we're there,'' Hayley told him. ''Sorry, I didn't think it'd be this busy today,''

''It's fine,'' he shook his head. ''New experience,''

Hayley smiled in return, hoping the ride would end soon. She didn't like putting Steve in this position, but he was holding up better than she thought. For someone who was new to this world, straight from the 40's, he was handling the subway very well.

When they finally made it to the Brooklyn station, Hayley was the first the exit. The crowed was also exiting at the same time and she was soon finding herself being pulled away by the stream of people. Quickly, she pushed back hard enough to get through to Steve, grabbing his hand and taking him with her as she hurriedly made her way to the stairs and rushed toward the surface of the station.

The sun was a brutal force on their eyes when they made it above ground, stepping away from the stair way and letting the constant flow of people drain into the streets in front of them. Hayley looked down and saw their hands were still locked together and let go gently, pulling her jacket tighter around her. Steve instantly felt the absence of her touch but chose to ignore his desire to turn to her, instead looking up at the streets before him.

This was Brooklyn. The place he grew up, made the memories he held so dearly to him, found his best friend and lived his life in a much different way to how it was now. This was the place he felt home, except everything was different. Almost seventy years had passed. Seventy years of rebuilding, restructuring and completely changing the Brooklyn he knew.

''What do you think?'' Hayley asked, looking up at him anxiously awaiting his reaction.

''It's different,'' he nodded. ''But...it's Brooklyn, this is my home,''

Hayley smiled, putting her hand on his arm to remind him she was right beside him through this.

''Shall we explore?''

* * *

_*All Through The Night - Sleeping At Last Cover_


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys hope you enjoy the chapter, thanks for reading, leave a review and let me know what you think and thanks for following :)**

* * *

_Have become all I lost and all I hoped for._  
_But I must carry on_  
_Always one_  
_Never broken_

* * *

Hayley glared at a few people on the street as they stared at the man by her side. Steve wasn't rushing to take in everything and as a result he had become the slowest on the sidewalk. She had encouraged him to take his time, knowing full well that 67 years of change couldn't be processed with just a glance.

It was hard to look at the buildings now and not see the way they used to be, the way he remembered them. There were tall buildings where there was once nothing and stores where he remembered people living. The streets were fuller and the houses were bigger, everything had changed.

''What used to be here?'' Hayley asked, noticing his focus being drawn to one of the coffee shops.

''A bakery,'' he told her, certain. ''And there was an alley beside it, I used to get beat up down there,''

''Next to a bakery? That's an odd place for a fight,''

''I got beat up behind almost every building around here, well every building that_ used_ to be around here,''

''Sounds like you had a problem walking away,'' Hayley spoke, folding her arms as she looked up at him.

''You start running you never...'' Steve trailed off, immediately noticing that his words mirrored the same conversation he had with Peggy Carter the day of his procedure.

To say Steve hadn't been thinking of Peggy over these past few weeks would be untrue. She came into his mind every time he thought about the things he had missed, the life he could have had. That life would have been with her. Steve knew that Peggy would have waited for him, searched for him desperately when he crashed that plane, but in the end she had moved on like he had wanted her to. Living her life waiting for him was something he didn't want to wish her on her, but now it was his turn to move on.

''You never what?'' Hayley asked.

''You never stop,'' he finished.

A few moments later they continued walking in silence, Hayley's arms still folded and Steve's hands still in his pocket. Their eyes scanned the buildings they passed, Hayley's attention turning to Steve occasionally to see if he was recognizing somewhere he used to visit.

Steve and Bucky had been everywhere in Brooklyn, there wasn't a part of it he didn't recognize. But everything had changed and he couldn't keep acting like it shocked him. Sixty seven years had passed, nothing was going to be the same.

Hayley navigated them around a few corners and blocks until she found the street that Steve had told her he grew up on, making sure he read the sign before they continued walking. She didn't want to drag him into anything he wasn't ready for, but she knew that Steve still wouldn't say no. He was here now and he wanted to see as much as he could, he had to come to terms with everything.

''14074,'' Hayley stopped in front of a building, pointing.

''This is it?''

The little apartment that Steve grew up in was gone. Instead of the small units he remembered, a newer apartment building was now in it's place. It stood taller than his old one did, the apartments looked bigger too. It was just another thing that was long gone.

''This was actually just recent,'' Hayley explained. ''They renovated the building a couple of times since the 40's but about three years ago they knocked it down and started again,''

''How do you know that?'' Steve asked.

Hayley held her phone up and grinned.

''Google,'' she shrugged. ''I actually don't know much about Brooklyn,''

''Well I guess now neither do I,'' Steve sighed, looking back up at the building. ''I thought it might still...I guess that's stupid,''

''It's not stupid,'' Hayley shook her head. ''Steve, what's almost seventy years to everyone else was like yesterday to you, no one blames you for hoping nothing had changed,''

''But it was silly to think I'd feel at home again. I know the world's changed but...'' he let out a deep breath, looking away. ''I just thought I wouldn't feel so out of place here, that maybe some things had stayed the same as I remembered,''

It was hard to offer comfort in a situation like this. Hayley didn't know what it was like to wake up almost seven decades into the future and have everything change, she couldn't understand how he was feeling and she didn't want to pretend that she did. She thought coming back here would be good for him, to show him that Brooklyn was still here, but so far all it had done was upset him.

Watching him glance back at the building and then around at all the other changes in the street, Hayley felt guiltier than ever. It was her job to help him adjust to the world, not depress him even more over everything he had missed and literally show him everything that had changed in the one place he felt he belonged.

Then, as she stared at his sombre expression, she had an idea. They had been here for over an hour now and all they had done was visit places Steve remembered that had been demolished and changed or completely removed, but there was one old building that Hayley knew was still standing and in business.

* * *

Hayley looked down at her phone as she guided Steve through the streets, carefully stepping around people and crossing roads as she searched. Following directions on Google Maps was never one of her talents, but after ten minutes of walking, turning around and then turning back, they finally ended up standing out the front of an old bar.

_Established 1923_

''Is this the same one?'' Steve asked, remembering the place.

''Yeah, it's the only one still in business,'' Hayley nodded. ''Have you been here before?''

Steve thought back to the time Bucky had tried to get him a date, again, and had dragged him to this bar. He would always tell Steve they were just going for a walk to find something to do but would always end up pulling him inside, intent on finding him a girl. It never worked out though. Steve was too shy and the atmosphere just wasn't for him, at least not back then when talking to people, especially women, would end in embarrassment.

Before he knew it, his lips were quirked up into a smile at the memories he had of him and Bucky wandering around Brooklyn. This was the only building still going, still doing the same thing it was in 1940, and that meant a lot to him. Hayley watched on happily as he nodded.

''Yeah, a few times,'' he told her. ''Had a lot of bad dates here,''

''Oh, touchy memories?''

''No, good ones actually,'' Steve chuckled. ''I wonder if it's still the same inside,''

Hayley put her hand out and suggested he go inside, hoping for his sake that it was just as he remembered. And it was.

Steve could smell the liquor that lined the shelves, the polish that had been used recently to clean up the floor and bar stools that were made of wood, and it took him right back to those evenings he had spent here all those years ago. Even the arrangement was the same. The bar was long and took up most of the room in the small bar, tall tables and booths filling the rest of the space.

''Why did they keep this place?'' he wondered.

''I think it's listed as a historical building now, you're not allowed to demolish them or renovate drastically,'' she explained, walking off and running her finger along the table. ''This is nicer than any bar I've been in,''

''It looks just like I remember it,'' Steve smiled.

Hayley was glad that she could bring him here to a memory that was still going, somewhere that hadn't changed or been destroyed. It may have been only a bar and not a home, but it was something that had stuck around and kept going, and that's all Steve wanted to see.

''Can I help you two?''

They both turned to see an older man walking out behind the bar, his hand leaning against the bench and a rag in his other hand.

''This place closes early today,'' he told them, gesturing to the empty room.

''Oh,'' Hayley nodded, looking over to Steve. ''Well we were just hoping to look around the place,''

''Nothing here but empty bar stools, and service is over for the day,''

Steve's jaw clenched at how rude the man was being, but Hayley navigated through it.

''Like I said, we're just looking around,''

''Right, and like I said this place is closing early,''

''Hey,'' Steve spoke up, walking out in front of Hayley to face the man. ''That's no way to talk to a lady,''

The man watched him carefully, hearing the warning in his voice. Hayley bit down on her lip, hoping that the man didn't say anything back that would anger Steve. She didn't want this experience ruined by some barman who didn't want to stick around until the end of the day.

''You got ten minutes then I'm locking up,'' the man told them before walking disappearing out the back.

Steve turned back to Hayley with a shake of his head. He would say that people have become ruder since his time, but the barman actually reminded him of the owner back in the 40's that would end up kicking all the younger customers out for getting too loud. Maybe that hadn't changed either.

''What an ass,'' Hayley complained, walking over to the other side of the room and looking at the old seats in the booths. ''How does a nice place like this manage to survive but still end up with a grouchy old owner?''

''Maybe it was passed down,'' Steve thought. ''It's nice to know it's still here though,''

A few minutes later they decided to leave, giving the room one last glace before stepping back out onto the pavement.

''We can come back another day,'' Hayley suggested. ''Hopefully when that guy isn't in charge,''

''It's okay, knowing it's there is enough for me,''

Looking up at him, Hayley felt a surge of respect for Steve. He could have been angry at how the man basically threw them out, she knew she would have been, but instead he just accepted it. Steve didn't need to spend his day there in order to feel better about his situation, it was just a nice feeling to know that some things hadn't changed during his time in the ice, no matter how few things there were.

* * *

It was later in the afternoon when Hayley insisted they stop at one of the cafes along the street, her stomach rumbling with anticipation. Steve hadn't noticed until she suggested their stop that he was rather hungry as well, his mind on a million other things that day. The menu had a few things he was familiar with, but in the end he decided to order the same as Hayley.

''Where do you want to go next?'' Hayley asked, finding them a table outside under an umbrella that provided a view of the street.

''I don't know,'' Steve shrugged, settling comfortably at the table. ''I don't think anything else I want to see will be there. What about you? Don't you want to see anything around here?''

Hayley thought for a moment, remembering that there was on area she wanted to visit. She hadn't been there since she was a child and she knew that Steve had fond memories of the place, but she didn't know whether he would want to go there today. He had been through a lot since their arrival in Brooklyn, Steve having to revisit places that no longer existed, seeing all of his memories torn down or rebuilt into something else. But she remembered Steve mentioning this place when they went to Times Square a few days ago and after almost seventy years of Steve being frozen in ice and missing so much, it was still there.

''Maybe,'' she considered. ''I'll make a decision after I eat, I'm too hungry to think,''

Steve laughed and watched as she looked to her phone one more time before putting it into her pocket and letting out a long sigh. It had been a long day already and Steve could see that Hayley was tired, but she kept a smile on her face the whole time, ignoring the yawn that wanted to escape her lips. She was far from bored, but sleeping was a struggle that Steve understood very well, the exhaustion never went away.

It made him appreciate the day a whole lot more. Not only did he like the idea of coming back to Brooklyn with someone he was comfortable with like Hayley, but he was glad that she understood this was a big deal for him. Any SHIELD agent would have assumed he was over his lost time already, but Hayley considered everything they did that day in order to make it easier for him. She had put her day and problems on hold for him and Steve couldn't explain how much that meant to him.

They were both pulled from their thoughts and watching the people on the street when their waiter sat their food down in front of them. Hayley looked over to him with a huge grin, picking up her fork and immediately digging into her pasta. Steve chuckled lightly as he did the same, looking up to see Hayley eyeing off the waiter again when he came over and put a milkshake beside her plate. Hayley's fork was put down immediately, pushing her plate forward to make room for the tall glass.

''You like milkshakes?'' she asked, scraping some of the whipped cream from the top of her glass.

''I never really drank them,'' Steve shook his head. ''Diabetic, at least I was. It never ended well when I had them,''

''I don't think I would have survived if I couldn't drink them,'' she shook her head, stirring the straw around. ''I remember coming home from my first deployment and the first thing I did was go out and get a chocolate milkshake,''

Steve continued eating, unable to keep from glancing up at Hayley who was playing with her straw as she drank, a smile on her lips as she looked at the glass. It was hard to see someone who right now looked so content and happy fighting on the field for months on end. When Steve was in the army, women weren't fighting alongside him like they were in the military today. Peggy was the only other woman he had seen on the field and she had fought hard to get there, refusing to take no for an answer.

''What made you join?'' he asked before he had a chance to stop himself. ''The army I mean,''

Hayley looked over to him as she continued drinking, waiting until the straw began to make loud slurping noises at the bottom of the now empty glass. She had answered this question many times, but it had been a long time now since she had to revisit it.

''My dad was in the army for years, but he got shot in the leg and was sent home. He always told me and my brother about how he wasn't done fighting, how he was still able to fight for his country,'' she explained, moving back to her pasta. ''He taught me that if you could fight for someone who couldn't, there was no reason not to. I wanted to do my part,''

''You followed in your father's footsteps,'' Steve concluded.

Hayley nodded.

''I don't think my mom was too impressed. Probably not the most ideal job for your daughter,'' she shrugged. ''Why'd you join?''

''I wanted to fight,'' Steve told her simply. ''I had a responsibility to my country and I didn't think I had the right to not do anything about it,''

''So you wanted to prove yourself?'' she asked, realizing it didn't come out the way she intended. ''Sorry, I just meant...I think everyone who joins has some intention to prove themselves,''

''Did you?''

''Absolutely,'' she shrugged. ''I was a 22 year old woman enlisting for the armed forces behind my dad and my brother, I had a lot to prove,''

Steve watched as she explained it to him without holding back, no shame in wanting to prove herself as well as fight. He knew that he had joined with the same idea, he wanted to prove he could do it as well. Steve was always the flimsy, sick, skinny kid who had Bucky to break up his fights even though he argued he had it all under control. Steve wanted to be the guy breaking up the fights, standing up for all those who couldn't.

''I guess I did have a lot to prove,'' he admit.

''And there's nothing wrong with that,'' Hayley shrugged. ''We all end up fighting the same war,''

''That's true,''

There was a brief silence before Hayley put down her fork once again and wiped her jeans of spilled pasta, looking over to Steve and making sure he was done eating. Granted they had spent most of the time talking and gazing out at everyone walking by, but the day was slowly draining away, they had to take advantage of it while it lasted. Not to mention their current conversation topic was bound to become depressing and painful, neither of them needed that right now.

''Come on,'' Hayley grinned, standing up and pushing her seat in.

''Where are we going?''

''Down memory lane, but this time for both of us,'' she told him, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a couple of bills.

''Hey, I'll pay,'' Steve jumped up, ready to get his wallet out.

''No, it's fine and it's done,'' Hayley slammed the money down onto the table, beginning to walk away. ''We have to catch a bus so let's get moving,''

Steve shook his head at the idea of her paying for their meal. It wasn't like that back in his time, but it was just another social change he had to adjust to. Walking away from the table, Steve smiled over to the woman waiting for him, wondering where they were going to end up.

* * *

_***Broken - Jake Bugg**_

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	9. Chapter 9

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**Hope you enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

_You know that I could use somebody _  
_Someone like you, _  
_and all you know,_  
_and how you speak _

* * *

Hayley had been trying her hardest to keep where they were headed a mystery, but it was going to be no use once they got off the bus. Steve looked around at all of the streets and establishments they passed, noting how much things had changed yet still stayed the same. As different as it all was, he was sure that he could still find his way around the streets of his neighborhood without needing a map or any help. That wouldn't change.

It wasn't until they began getting closer to the water and boardwalk that Hayley looked over to Steve, trying to get a read on him. This could either be a good idea or a bad idea, it was a risk she was about to take, but she hoped it was okay with the destination she had picked. They didn't say anything when the bus stopped, Steve just followed Hayley out onto the pavement, stepping back once again to allow all the other passengers to walk by.

That's when Steve looked around, unable to mistake the place, knowing exactly where he was.

''Coney Island,'' he smiled, looking over the big sign on top of the building.

Hayley sighed in relief at the tone of his voice.

''I thought we both haven't been here in a long time, while we're in Brooklyn we might as well check it out,'' she told him.

''You've been here before?'' he turned back to her.

''Yeah, my parents brought us here when I was about seven years old,'' she told him, putting her hands on her hip as she looked up at the colorful words. ''Hasn't changed much,''

''No it hasn't,'' Steve agreed, looking around at the old fashioned decorations and rides. ''Everything looks almost the same as I remember,''

''This place is listed on the National Register of Historic Places, so they like to keep it old fashioned,''

''It used to be busier,'' he noticed. ''The lines used to go down the block,''

''It was probably at it's peak back then, but they don't get the crowds they used to. It's a landmark though, no one doesn't know Coney Island. I only went on three rides here though when I visited, I wasn't tall enough,''

Steve chuckled.

''I understand that struggle. I don't know how they even let me on the Cyclone when I was here with Bucky one day,'' he remembered. ''Not that I had a choice, he dragged me onto the ride by my collar,''

Hayley enjoyed that Steve could speak about Bucky so comfortably with her, probably because she didn't pry into the bad memories, and she liked seeing that smile on his face whenever he would talk about him. It was obvious that Bucky was a brother and he missed him terribly, but being here at Coney Island brought back the good times he had with his friend. Bucky would want to be remembered as the friend that dragged Steve onto the Cyclone and pat him on the back when he threw up because of it, and Steve knew that, it was just hard to let go of what happened.

''Well I won't drag you onto it,'' Hayley nudged him. ''At least not today, it's not running,''

''I think I'd still throw up, serum or not,'' Steve admit.

''That's the fun in it,'' she laughed.

They walked down the road alongside the buildings and arcades, admiring that things were still in the same place, still looked the same and people still liked to visit. Steve always thought that compared to today's society, the one he grew up in was very outdated and probably boring, but it was nice to see that things he enjoyed as a kid were still relevant. He didn't know why it was so important to him to want to see that some things had stayed the same since his time, he knew that after so long everything would change, but it meant something to him.

It showed that what everyone did back then wasn't for nothing, that everything people worked for and fought for were still being appreciated. That's what made today with Hayley mean a lot to him because she appreciated all of those things, but she didn't do it in a way that made him seem old and miserable, she genuinely respected it like he did.

The sun was setting the the city as they made it to the wharf, looking out at the water and the amusement rides that surrounded them. Even though it was a quiet day at Coney Island, Steve was glad they had come here. Even without going on the rides or going to the arcade, it was nice to revisit the area. There had been a lot of memories brought back to him that day and he had seen places he used to go demolished and replaced with something bigger and better, but it had all been balanced out with good times.

Hayley had put a lot of effort into making sure Steve saw the reality of Brooklyn today but also that not everything had changed, that this was still the place he grew up in, his home. After these few months of trying to adjust on his own and thinking he wasn't ready to face certain things, Hayley had shown him everything he had been wanting to see in one day and made it a lot less overwhelming than it could have been. He knew this assignment was based around her having to help him adjust, but it was clear that Hayley wasn't doing this for SHIELD or to get out of those therapy sessions she hated to much. It was because she really cared.

''Thank you,'' Steve turned to her as they stood on the wharf in the sun. ''For bringing me here. I don't think I would have done it if you hadn't,''

''You would,'' she nodded, sure. ''You're not the type of guy that hides from things, I just thought it'd be easier if you didn't do it alone,''

''It was. I thought I was fine doing this all on my own, but I guess there was a lot of stuff I just wasn't facing,''

''There's no precedent for waking up 67 years into the future and having to just deal with it. I think you were doing just fine on your own,'' she told him, leaning back onto the wooden railing with her elbows. ''Reality is a bitch. It's harsh and there's no way to see it other than for what it is, but that doesn't mean you have to deal with it straight away because it's your life now. Deal with it the way you want to and if there's something you don't want to revisit, then don't. As far as I'm concerned there's no one in the world who has the right to tell you how to handle your own situation,''

Steve thought for a moment, appreciating her words. Hayley didn't lie to Steve about his problems, she was very blunt and to the point about how this was his life now, but at the same time she was so gentle about it. She knew he wasn't made of glass and she didn't underestimate how strong he was in terms of adjusting to the twentieth century, and he liked that.

''You have an inspiring outlook on life,'' Steve told her, leaning against the railing beside her.

Hayley laughed.

''You're probably the only person to think that,''

''Well I'm probably the only person you've told,'' he pointed out.

Hayley looked over to him with a roll of her eyes before letting out a small laugh, not denying the fact. She found it was a lot easier to speak to Steve without hiding anything, just saying what was on her mind and what she thought about things. It was probably because she knew he would be honest with her, and maybe because she knew he felt the same way.

''You know you're right,'' Steve began again when they fell into silence. ''It's a lot easier not doing this alone. Maybe you should take your own advice on that,''

''Let's not get into my problems,'' she shook her head.

''I'm just saying,'' he defended. ''You might surprise yourself if you let someone in and let them help you,''

''I'm working on it,'' she shrugged, looking around the wharf.

Hayley knew that by letting someone in, Steve had meant him. After everything she had done for him, all he wanted to do was help her in the same way, but she was a difficult person to get through to. Yesterday was the biggest breakthrough he had seen from her and he knew that her crying and finally letting something out like that was a good thing, that she was ready to finally try and move on without doing it on her own, but it was going to take time.

Looking over to him again once they stopped talking, Hayley couldn't help the small smile that crept onto her lips as she stared at him. This man who had so much going on in his life, so many other things to be worried about and to be focusing on was prepared to be there for her through her own issues and she found that amazing.

Steve noticed her stare, turning to her with a quizzical look on his face.

''We should get going,'' she stepped away from the railing. ''The subway at night isn't pretty,''

* * *

Steve had believed Hayley when she warned him that the subway would be busier in the late afternoon, but he hadn't prepared himself enough for the amount of people that he was met with. Hayley looked up at him worriedly as they shuffled their way inside the carriage among the large crowd, hoping it wasn't too much for him. Steve handled it better than he even thought, focusing his attention of just standing still and getting back to their stop in Manhattan.

Though it was hard to ignore the amount of people pushing and shoving against one another, Steve just looked to Hayley who gave him a reassuring smile and a roll of the eyes, equally annoyed at the rush hour of people.

Ten minutes into their journey back however, Steve noticed a man standing beside Hayley who kept nudging against her, his elbow hitting her side multiple times, but he didn't bother to apologize. Hayley bit back the urge to give the man a piece of her mind, not wanting to cause anything especially with Steve, but when she looked up at him she could see that it was getting to him as well.

''Don't worry about it,'' Hayley shook her head with a huff, brushing it off.

''He's not even apologizing,''

''It's not worth causing an argument over, not in this crowd,'' she told him. ''It's fine,''

Steve sighed, glaring over to the man. It only took a few more nudges to her side until Hayley felt herself being brought forward, a hand on her arm shielding her. Steve had pulled her close to him, away from the man, and put his arm around her shoulder so she wouldn't get pushed by anyone else. Hayley felt like explaining to him that this happened every time she got on the subway, that this was just the norm when you took public transport, but instead she just gave him a light smile and hoped they would arrive at their stop soon.

It wasn't that she didn't appreciate what he was doing, but she was worried Steve was going to say something and cause an argument. He was more than capable of handling himself if one broke out, but Hayley knew Steve didn't want or need that right now, but it was hard for him to hold back when someone was being so rude.

''Sorry,'' Steve glanced down at her for a moment. ''I didn't want you getting hurt,''

Hayley nodded in understanding, their bodies extremely close as the subway rocked. However she preferred being pushed against Steve than being near any of the other passengers. It was like they were in their own little cocoon among the crowd. In a way it was nice.

* * *

The night had set in by the time they had arrived back on the streets of Manhattan, beginning their walk back to the facility in peace. It was clear that neither of them enjoyed taking the subway, but at least nothing had happened between that man and Steve. Hayley joked that it would be one way of adjusting to the people in the city, Steve giving her a small laugh before telling her it wasn't right for a man to be so rude to a woman.

''Well, I hate to break it to you but if that sort of behavior bothers you, you haven't seen the half of it yet,'' she explained, folding her arms and pulling her jacket around her tighter.

''I don't know if I can stand by when that sort of thing happens,''

''Most people do,'' she shrugged. ''But it's because they're scared. The streets are different these days. There was always fights and bad people around, that's never gonna change, but these days people are a lot more paranoid and with good reason. Guns and knives could be in anyone's pocket and you never know what's going to make them snap. So people put their head down when someone is getting mugged, they close their mouth when someone is being abused and they pretend they don't see a thing,''

''It's not right,'' Steve shook his head. ''Someone has to stand up and say something,''

''It's not people being cowards or weak, they're scared,'' Hayley reminded. ''The world is an ugly place and it's just getting worse,''

They continued walking down the streets, watching as the lights in the city lit up and illuminated the others that roamed around. Steve thought about what Hayley said and he understood that the people these days were a lot different to those he remembered. There was always going to be bad people in the world, but it had gotten worse. Weapons were more advanced, technology made everything more dangerous and accessible, bad people were getting worse.

Hayley yawned as they reached the street of their facility, glad that she was close to her apartment. Her feet were starting to ache from their constant walking, but she knew that no matter how tired she felt she wasn't going to get a peaceful night's sleep, but that had become normal to her now. Steve too was feeling exhausted, not only from walking around the city but also processing everything that had changed. However neither of them regret their day.

Steve had walked Hayley to her apartment when they made it to her floor, thanking her again for taking him back to Brooklyn for the day. He was being honest earlier when she said he didn't know if he would have done it without her encouragement and company, but he was glad they went. It put a lot of his questions to rest and gave him a sense on closure on some issues, and she had helped him with that.

"I just hope you had a good day. I know going back to those memories wouldn't have been easy," she told him as they stood outside her door.

"I had to do it sometime," he shrugged. "And I'm glad I finally did,"

"It'll get easier to go back, it won't always be that overwhelming. Today was ripping the bandaid off, now you have to let it heal,"

Steve smiled at her words, finally realizing that after all this time he was making progress and moving forward. But it didn't feel too victorious when he thought about the fact that the person who helped him make such a milestone was dealing with her own problems and he didn't know how to help. He wished he did.

"Well, thanks for helping me rip it off,"

"No problem," she smiled up at him. "I actually had a good day, it's been a long time since I've done anything like that, we should visit more places,"

"I'd like that," he nodded, his hands slipping into his pockets.

Even with dark circles under her eyes and her hair in a slight mess, Steve could still imagine the sun shining down on her like it was that afternoon on the wharf.

"I guess I'll see you around," she sighed tiredly.

"Yeah," Steve nodded, taking a step away. "Goodnight Hayley,"

Looking over to him with a content grin, Hayley paused as she pushed her door open.

"Goodnight Steve,"

* * *

Steve was surprised by how much sleep he managed to get when he got home to his apartment that night. It had been a long time since he had slept for a relatively normal number of hours. However it was still only 7.00 am when he decided to go for a run.

His dreams the night before had changed from memories of the war and those he had lost to memories of Brooklyn and his childhood. Most of which contained Bucky who was part of every stage of Steve's life, but when he thought about them growing up together, he only remembered the happy times. Either way though, it always came back to the fact everyone and everything he remembered was gone. But like Hayley had told him, reality was harsh and he had to see it for what it was, but he could choose to deal with it any way he wanted, at his own pace.

Hayley had woken up the next morning refreshed after actually sleeping through the night without any interruptions. It may have been because she was so tired and busy all day that she managed to have a somewhat peaceful sleep, but when she rolled over to look at her clock she seen it was only 6.00 am. It was still progress.

It was only an hour later that she heard her phone ringing on the kitchen counter, rushing out to expect a call from Blake, but instead it was from the same people who had been calling every week for the past three months. Her parents.

She stared at the phone as it rang out, letting the call go to voice mail all the while knowing they wouldn't be leaving a message. They knew she wouldn't have answered, in fact if she did Hayley was sure she would give them a heart attack. But parents never gave up on their children and so they kept calling and calling every week on a different day, hoping Hayley would see that they wanted to hear from her.

Hayley knew that moving on and getting past all of this meant she had to face these things, but she just couldn't. Seeing her parents only brought back memories she was trying so hard to let go of, hearing their voice made her feel so guilty she couldn't even speak. They had lost their son the day Hayley lost her brother, but she couldn't look at them without feeling like it was all her fault. She wasn't as experienced as Nick, she didn't have anything waiting for her back at home like he did. All these months she had been ignoring their calls because through no fault of their own it only reminded her of one thing; it should have been her.

* * *

_*Use Somebody - Kings Of Leon_


	10. Chapter 10

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* * *

_I am not your savior_  
_I'm just a friend keeping you alive_  
_And eye sight proves that you're haunted_  
_The same way that you speak all the time_

* * *

''It's perfect,'' Hayley smiled, hands on her hips as she stood in the middle of the gym looking around.

Steve was by her side, his arms folded as a satisfied grin spread across his face. It had taken them two hours to set everything up the way they wanted, but it was finally done. There was a couch in the middle, a small table over to the side where a mini refrigerator was set up and a locker for them to store all of their gym necessities that they usually brought in a bag. It was simple and minimal, but that was all they needed.

''It does liven the place up,'' he nodded.

''I doubt any other gym provides a personal mini fridge,'' Hayley joked. ''Well, gym slash dusty old room with a boxing ring and a few pieces of equipment,''

''Still haven't gotten into contact with who owns this place?'' he asked.

Hayley shrugged and walked over to their new couch, throwing herself down on it comfortably. Although all they had done that day was move furniture instead of working out, she felt exhausted.

''It's been abandoned for too long, if someone cared enough to own it they'd do something with it like we are,'' she explained. ''Anyway, what's on the agenda today?''

Steve reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny notepad that Hayley had been adding things to every day, suggesting things that Steve should consider getting up to date with. However they weren't overwhelmingly difficult things, they had covered most of those. These were small things like movies or games, pop culture basically. For the past week they had been trying to work on at least two things a day, but in the end they hadn't really set a timeline to get through it all. It was a work in progress, just like they were.

* * *

"So Singapore, thats new,"

"Yeah, I'll get to cross that one off my list," Blake nodded, reaching across the table for the salt shaker. "Always wanted to visit that place, but I guess after five weeks there on mission I'll be completely over it,"

"Take my advice and stay away from this place as long as you can,"

"Well that really makes me feel like I'll be missed," Blake pouted.

Hayley grinned cheekily before focusing back on the chocolate milkshake in front of her. Spending the day with Blake was nice considering he didn't get much personal time, but after being with Steve almost everyday for the past few weeks, it was odd not having him around. Blake was in charge of checking up on both of them and since he was leaving for his own assignment tomorrow, this would be the last time Blake could see how they were doing, particularly Hayley.

He had already visited Steve that morning to let him know, but to also ask him to look out for Hayley while he was gone. Steve didn't need to be asked to take care of his friend, but he agreed nevertheless.

"It'll be weird not having you here," Hayley looked over to her friend.

Blake smiled in return, nodding.

"I know, I haven't left the country in…well a long time. But I'll always be free if you need me,"

"Blake, seriously I'll be fine, I'm not a child,"

"Hey, I'm just saying if you ever need me for anything, just call me on the number I gave you,"

Hayley sighed before nodding in agreement, finishing off her milkshake and folding her arms on the table. It had been a long time since Blake was far away from her. Even with how stubborn she was, Blake was always there when she needed him. They didn't need to be related by blood for her to consider him a brother. He was looking out for her the same way Nick would have, which explained why they always clashed and argued when he became too protective. It was only five weeks, but she was going to miss him a lot.

"Oh, also while I'm away can you do me a favor?"

"Depends what the favor is," Hayley countered, her eyes narrowing with suspicion.

"When your parents call, answer them,"

Hayley groaned and pulled her hands up to run through her hair which was getting longer each day, wishing Blake wouldn't bring up this topic.

"It's complicated," she shook her head.

"No it's not. You're scared to talk to them because you think they blame you, but they don't. They just want to talk to their daughter," he told her encouragingly. "You know they've been calling me,"

Hayley's eyes locked on his.

"They've been calling you?"

"How else are they supposed to know if you're okay?"

"Wait, so you've been telling them about my life?"

"They ask me how you are, I say you're okay and that I'm looking out for you, you're coping, that's all. It's not my place to say anymore so don't get mad at me for talking to them," he threw his hands up. "You're their only child now, they deserve some contact. I know it's a big step after everything that's happened, but it might help you. I sure know it'll help them,"

Hayley stayed quiet, knowing that he was right. It was a bit step to make and she knew it would be hard, but she also knew that it had been long enough.

"I'll think about it," she reasoned.

"That's all I'm asking,'' Blake nodded. ''You never know, it might really help you,''

* * *

The next afternoon, Hayley walked up the stairs to Steve's floor with two pizzas in her hands, her stomach rumbling with hunger as the smell wafted to her senses. It was just getting dark outside and the air was becoming chilly as she made her way down the hall, glad she would be inside soon.

Steve heard the few knocks on his door before he walked over and opened it, immediately feeling the same hunger she was when he smelled the food. Hayley set the boxes down on the small table in his living room, kicking her shoes off by the door. In the past few weeks they had established a good sense of comfort around one another, making themselves at home in each other's apartment. Between this and their regular sessions at the gym, they were beginning to notice how very little time they spent apart from one another.

''If you like the movie you should really read the books,'' Hayley suggested as she bent down to insert the DVD into the player. ''I've got them all somewhere, probably still in storage,''

''So you're a big fan?'' he chuckled, sitting down on the couch.

''Oh yeah, I could probably quote the whole thing,'' she laughed, moving to grab the pizza box.

Hayley settled onto the couch next to Steve, pulling the pizza in between them as the movie menu popped up. On Steve's list of various things he'd like to catch up on, Hayley had been very insistent on him being introduced to _Harry Potter, _and they were finally getting to it. Steve couldn't remember the last time he had watched a movie. Every now and then he would turn on the television and watch reruns of old sitcoms or the news, but a lot of the references were lost on him. Still, he tried to educate himself as best he could.

The case Hayley made for _Harry Potter_ was simple enough; she loved _Harry Potter_. But she had also made it clear that so did a majority of society, so by watching the movies and reading the books, Steve would have a vital piece of pop culture information.

''Movies have definitely improved since the last time I saw one,'' Steve commented, eyes wide as he watched the opening scene.

''This is just the beginning,'' Hayley told him excitedly.

''How many times have you seen this?'' he asked, noticing the grin on her face as she watched the screen.

''I've lost count, but it's just as good every time. Look! You're missing Dumbledore!'' she gasped, looking at the TV.

''Dumble who?'' Steve gave her a confused look.

''Just watch!''

As the movie went on, the pizza supply go lower and lower until Steve ended up throwing the empty boxes to the ground beside the couch, leaving more room for them both to pull their legs up and rest comfortably. Hayley had the left side of the couch, her arms hanging off the side behind her as she pulled her legs up to her chest and Steve was on the other side with his arm resting along the back of the couch. They were the picture of content.

Steve noticed her smiling at certain parts of the movie and he enjoyed the fact that right now she was happy. It was hard for Steve not to feel guilty over the fact Hayley had been spending all her time with him over the past few weeks, but it was moments like this that reminded him that she wasn't doing this because she had to, but because she wanted to.

About an hour later, just as the movie was drawing to an end, Hayley's phone began vibrating on the table nearby. The screen lit up with the words 'Mom &amp; Dad' and Steve managed to see it quickly before she pulled the phone into her hands, waiting for it to ring out.

''Need to take that?'' Steve asked, lifting the remote to pause the movie.

''No,'' she shook her head. ''It's nothing,''

Not saying another word about it, she slipped the phone into her pocket and went back to watching the screen, but even Steve could see that her mind wasn't on the movie. Hayley didn't speak about her parents very often apart from the occasional mention when reliving childhood memories, and Steve remembered her telling him that she couldn't face them after what happened to her brother. It made him wonder how long it had been since she had seen them, but he didn't want to pull on that thread just now.

The movie went on for a while longer, but Hayley barely noticed. She had promised Blake that she could try and get back into contact with her parents, even if it was just a brief hello, but it was harder than she thought. It had been so long without hearing their voices, she didn't think she could handle hearing them again. But she had to. If not for her, then for Nick. Blake was right when he said she was all they had left, she couldn't ignore them any longer.

''I liked it,'' Steve announced, pulling Hayley from her thoughts.

''You did?'' she asked, sitting up. ''How much?''

''Nine out of ten,''

Hayley's jaw fell open.

''Only a nine?''

''What do you mean only? On a scale of 10, nine is fantastic!''

''Not as fantastic as a ten,'' she shook her head. ''Disappointing,''

Steve laughed at her, stretching his legs out off the couch and looking out his window. It was almost 8.00 pm and the sun was completely gone, his apartment filled with darkness. Hayley let out a long sigh from beside him, her head leaning back to rest on the couch as she crossed her legs in front of her.

''Hey Steve?''

''Yeah?'' her turned to her, his head lazily leaning back like hers.

"Do you ever wish you could be somewhere else?" she asked in a quiet voice. "Not another city or another country but just somewhere…_else_,"

Steve thought for a moment, understanding what she was asking. She was clearly thinking about something a lot more complicated than just going somewhere else.

"Sometimes," he answered honestly.

"What about restarting? If there was a way you could restart your life, or just start a new one with none of this, would you do it?"

Their eyes locked in the dark room as her question hung in the air. Steve had thought about that many times since waking up. Starting a new life, forgetting that he had lost so many people, sleeping without the nightmares and the memories, living in peace. However as carefree and appealing as that all sounded to him, he knew that if he had the option he wouldn't take it.

"No," he shook his head, still looking over to her.

"Why not?"

"Because if I got the chance to restart my life, I'd end up doing it all the same anyway," he shrugged. "I'd be right back here,"

Hayley smiled over to him, admiring how accepting he was of his fate, no matter how heartbreaking it was.

"What about you?" he asked.

"I don't know," she told him with a deep breath. "Sometimes I wish I could do everything differently, change how things turned out,"

"If you did that you wouldn't be the person you are now,"

"I don't want to be the person I am now, that's just it,"

Steve frowned, moving so that he could give her leg a nudge.

"You should be proud of who you are,"

Hayley scoffed lightly, shaking her head in denial. As far as she could see, there was nothing to be proud of. She had dodged a bullet that ended up killing her brother, she wasn't talking to her parents and she turned to alcohol when things got hard. It was pathetic.

"You don't know the kind of person I am," she shook her head. "I'm not good,"

"You signed up and fought to protect your country and put your life on the line for others. To me, that's a good person. You're punishing yourself for something that wasn't your fault, but even when you're struggling, you keep going," he told her.

"Steve-"

"No, listen to me," he silenced her, surprising both of them with his voice. "I saw you that night, I saw you at your lowest and worst and watched you cry, and the next day you kept going. You don't realize how much you're pushing back against everything that comes your way and everything you've been through. You can't see how strong you are,"

Hayley felt her chest tighten, holding back any tears that threatened to make an appearance due to his kind words. Steve was the strongest person she knew, and here he was calling her the strong one. He had gone through much more than she had and she was the one receiving encouragement. It didn't seem right. But Steve needed her to know that.

"If you don't like the person you are then that's sad, because I like who you are," he finished.

Smiling over to him, Hayley folded her arms and leaned into the side of the couch, her legs sprawling out far enough that her toes touched Steve's calf.

"I like who you are," she told him, hating that she couldn't find the right words.

"So we both like each other, but not ourselves," he summed up.

Hayley chuckled lightly.

"We really are screwed up,"

Their words soon died down to whispers as they talked about what they would do if they had another life, joking mostly, until they both became silent. Their eyes were closed and their breathing became deeper, both of them slowly slipping away to unconsciousness. Steve's hand had dropped down from the back of the couch to rest on Hayley's foot which had crept up onto his lap as she sunk down into the cushions. With only the sound of cars driving down below on the streets coming through the crack in Steve's window, they both fell into a slumber that would end up being the most peaceful and restful night's sleep they'd had in a long time.

* * *

Hayley sat at her kitchen counter the next night, staring at her phone. She had spent the whole day at the gym with Steve working out and having breaks in between to introduce him to some modern music. It was entertaining to watch his reaction to a few of the songs she had chosen which happened to be the top ten hits of the year, all upbeat and electronic. It was much different to the music he remembered.

She had also told him she was trying to get back into SHIELD's training facilities, hopefully meeting with Coulson sometime in the next few weeks. Steve had worried that her mind was still on getting back to the field, but she assured him that she knew that wasn't realistic right now, but she still didn't want to give up on it.

Right now though, her mind was on something else she knew she had to face. Her parents had been calling her every week for months, trying desperately to get in contact with her. Being in a SHIELD facility prevented them from knowing where she was and since Hayley didn't answer their calls, they knew nothing about her life anymore. It wasn't that Hayley didn't miss them or that she didn't care, it was just too painful. However she couldn't hold back anymore. If she wanted to move on, she had to stop running from this.

Her hands shook as she reached for her phone, scrolling down to her parents number and pressing the green call button, her heart racing as she lifted it to her ear. The ringing continued as she breathed heavily, wondering if they were going to answer. Maybe they had given up on trying to get through to her, maybe now it was them who didn't want to talk.

''Hello?''

Hayley froze, her mouth hanging open slightly as she heard her mother's voice. It was so gentle and calming, so peaceful. Her mother repeated the greeting once more with a questioning tone, reminding Hayley that she had yet to say anything.

''Hi mom,'' she replied quietly, her voice coming out with a slight crack.

There was a brief pause.

''Hayley?'' she asked, shocked. ''Is that you?''

Hayley smiled, pulling her hand up to her forehead and resting it there.

''Yeah it's me mom,''

''Oh my god. Is that_ really_ you?''

''I'm sorry I haven't called in a long time,''

''You don't know how good it is to hear your voice,'' her mother cried. ''We've missed you so much,''

Hayley listened as her mother processed that it was actually her daughter on the other line, calling her father to come listen. They hadn't heard from her in so long, just her voice alone was enough to fill they with joy. Maybe Steve was right, maybe she was a good person after all. A bad person wouldn't make two people so happy by just calling, a bad person would continue ignoring them and making them worry, and she couldn't do that anymore.

"Hayley?" her father spoke, and she realized she was now on speakerphone to both her parents.

"Hey dad," she smiled. "It's nice to hear you both,"

"Sweetie, you've had us so worried," her mother continued. "Are you okay?"

"How are you holding up honey?" her father asked as well.

Hayley took a moment to consider her response. She could tell them the truth, that she wasn't sleeping properly, that she relieved that day over and over again in her head, that the thought of them and the sound of their voice made her both happy and sad at the same time, that she was only just starting to cope. Or she could lie and take that worry off their shoulders, make them believe that she was fine on her own, that she had been dealing with everything in her own way and was well.

A good person wouldn't lie to those who loved them, but a good person also spared their feelings.

"I'm doing good," Hayley told them with a convincing tone. "I've been busy,"

"We've been trying to call for the past few months, you never answered," her father pointed out, but he wasn't angry.

"I know, Elliot told me," she nodded, feeling odd about using Blake's first name. "I've been keeping myself occupied,"

"We're just glad you called," her mother spoke, her voice calm and relieved. "We've been worried about you,"

"I know mom,"

"Is everything okay?" her father asked.

Even when she was young, her dad always knew when something was off about Hayley. It was the way she spoke, it was as if he could hear it in her voice that she was hiding something. It turned out that after all these years, that still hadn't changed, even if it was over the phone.

"Yeah," Hayley nodded, bringing her hand up to rested against her forehead.

It took everything in her not to breakdown in tears. It was such a brief and simple conversation, but just hearing their voices was making her incredibly emotional. It took her right back to the day she came home after Nick's death and up until the day of his funeral. Their voices were much the same, only weaker and broken. She remembered the look in their eyes too, she would never forget that. But through all of that, she still found comfort in their voices, no matter how long she had been trying to avoid it.

Something in her told her she didn't deserve to have their comfort or their worry, not when her brother wasn't here to have the same. But she was slowly coming out of that mindset with the help of a good friend, the same friend who's voice was also in her head reminding her that she was a good person and should be proud of herself. The same friend that gave her the courage she needed to make that phone call.

* * *

_*We Were Made Out Of Lightning - Right Away, Great Captain!_


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey guys, another chapter here. I'm trying to figure out a particular day to keep updating but so far it's just gonna be whenever I have a chapter ready. However I am trying to get ahead on my writing so I can have a steady stream of updates, so hopefully that'll happen.**

**Thanks to those who reviewed, I really appreciate your kind words and it really motivates me to keep writing. Thanks to those following and favoriting as well! :)**

* * *

_When you lose your way and the fight is gone,_  
_Your heart starts to break_  
_And you need someone around now._  
_Just close your eyes while I put my arms above you,_  
_And make you unbreakable_

* * *

The box barely held together as it's contents threatened to overflow, Hayley placing it down carefully on the table in the gym. When Steve was thought to be dead and SHIELD came together, they had compiled many different books, photographs and historic documents of his time in the army. Despite Hayley telling him that he could take his time with getting to all of it, Steve had assured her that he wanted to see everything now.

It made sense to go over it all now that he had finally begun working through everything. He had been to Brooklyn and seen how much had changed, how much of his life was now gone and how much he had really missed, but now it was time to face what become of him when he died. Hayley had briefed him on Captain America becoming a comic, figurine and popular series of trading cards after his 'death', but Steve was more interested in what SHIELD had made of it all.

''I've got record of their searches, journals of their theories and plenty of photographs. Oh, some recordings as well, but we'd have to find a machine for that,''

''This is fine,'' Steve shook his head, glancing up at her with a nod. ''This is more then enough for now, thank you,''

Reaching into the box, the first thing Steve grabbed was a thick brown book that was full of newspaper clippings and articles announcing that Captain America had gone missing. It was a very odd thing to see your death being plastered on the front page of a newspaper that he himself used to deliver around Brooklyn. The words they used to describe him had him painted as a war hero, a legend and a brave man who saved the world. It should have made him proud, and a small part of him felt that pride, but it was outweighed by how much he lost by doing so.

Hayley looked over some of the articles too, finding interest in the stories they wrote about the man who sat in front of her. Of course Steve had downplayed everything he had done in the service, brushing off all his bravery as something anyone would do if they were in his position, however Hayley knew he did much more than what anyone else would have. Reading these stories only proved it further.

When she looked up at Steve to ask something, the question seemed to have slipped her mind when she saw the look of concentration and sadness on his face, his eyes locked on a photograph in his hands. Leaning forward slightly, Hayley recognized the photo of Peggy Carter. She had seen that same photo on the wall at SHIELD's Headquarters in D.C and throughout the history books. There had always been talk passed down for decades that Peggy and Steve were somewhat involved during the war before he went missing, but there was never any official comment about it.

But the look on Steve's face said it all.

Hayley kept quiet as she moved back, her gaze still on Steve's thoughtful expression until his eyes snapped up to meet hers, immediately blinking himself out of his trance. He seemed flustered, as if he was embarrassed about taking a moment to deal with her memory.

''She's beautiful,'' Hayley smiled over to him, letting him know it was okay.

Steve nodded and returned his attention to the photo.

''Yeah she is,'' he spoke quietly.

''What was she like?''

''I don't think words would do her justice,'' he shook his head. ''One hell of a woman though,''

''I bet. When I came to SHIELD she was the first person I read about, huge influence on me joining,'' she explained. ''I can see why she took your interest,''

''Oh,'' Steve looked up, shaking his head slightly. ''We...we uh...''

''You don't have to explain anything to me. That can stay between the two of you,'' Hayley told him gently. ''The world might think they know everything about you, but it's those things you need to keep to yourself, don't let them take it away,''

Looking down at the photo again, Steve smiled to himself. What he and Peggy had was special and he was sure if he came back from that mission and they had that date at the Stork Club, they would have spent their lives together happily. But that wasn't how things turned out and although there was no other choice but to accept it, it didn't mean he had to forget it. Hayley was right. What he and Peggy had should stay between the two of them only. A memory no one could take away or distort.

In all the months he had been awake, no one had given him such useful, peaceful advice.

* * *

The walls hadn't changed, neither had the clock that hung above the door and seemed to have stopped working. Although it could be that every time Hayley walked into Dr Rafferty's office time seemed to stop altogether, dragging a minute into an hour. It had been a month since her appointments with the doctor had been put on hold, but she was due for a session to update her recovery file. It felt odd being in the room knowing that Blake wasn't outside waiting for her, but it also gave her a slight boost in confidence. She could do this on her own.

"So, Private O'Connor," Dr Rafferty walked into the room, file in his hands and polite smile on his lips. "It's been a while since our last session, how have you been?"

Hayley watched as the man took his seat in front of her, flipping to a blank page in his notebook and clicking his pen.

"I've been good," she nodded with a light smile.

"That's good to hear. Keeping busy I assume?"

"I try," she folded her arms.

"Training everyday?"

"As much as I can, sometimes I skip a day," she shrugged.

Dr Rafferty seemed pleased with her response, jotting down a note from her words. Hayley wasn't sure what she disliked more; her previous sessions where he would desperately try and pry some emotions or right now as he nodded and documented their conversation. She felt like a test subject.

"How have you been sleeping?"

"Better. Not full nights, but better,"

"That's good. Progress, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, is still progress," he smiled proudly.

"I suppose it is," she nodded. ''I wanted to talk about me getting back into the training facilities at SHIELD,''

Dr Rafferty set his pen down for a moment, taking a long breath before looking over to her with an expression that already answered her question.

''I don't think it's a good idea right now,'' he told her calmly. ''Your focus on getting back into the field is what's holding you back from making any progress in your health and personal life,''

''I'm not asking to get back onto the field anymore, I know it's not realistic,'' she huffed, her memory flickering back to that day at the gun ranges. ''But I want to be able to train in the facility. I've made progress in my personal issues, I've been talking and sharing my thoughts and all of that, but if I don't start getting back into my old training routine I won't be ready to go back to the field when it's time,''

''As glad as I am that you're making progress personally, I can't approve you for the facilities. Maybe at our next appointment that will change,'' he told her with a hopeful tone. ''Perhaps when Agent Blake returns I could organize for a few training sessions in the facilities under his supervision,''

Hayley rolled her eyes, annoyed.

''So what you're saying is that I need a babysitter?''

''I think it would be better for you to have someone in the facilities with you for your first visits, that's all,'' he shook his head. ''You seem to be forgetting you're suffering a disorder right now,''

''Maybe I keep forgetting about it because I don't have it,'' she suggested.

''It doesn't have to be screaming in your face 24/7 for you to be suffering. It's in everything, in all of the smallest details of your life and your daily routine, it's in your memories. I know it's difficult, but you need to work on pushing through these issues if you truly want to go back to that life,''

Dr Rafferty had no idea how difficult it was. He may have dealt with countless SHIELD agents and field operatives like herself who had memories they couldn't get away from, but in the end he was never out there like they were. Those memories weren't his and their consequences didn't effect him.

There was no way he really understood. However this was his job, to try and understand and help, but Hayley had trouble opening up to someone who was just listening so he could evaluate her mental health. But this was what she had to do to convince everyone she was getting better, to please their critical minds, to make them stop worrying.

''I'll try,''

* * *

Hayley could hear the echoing sounds of the punching bag inside the gym before she even stepped inside. Steve had been here since this morning moving between different exercises and looking over some of the many files he still hadn't gotten to. There was so much he had to catch up on but he had been reminded repeatedly that he didn't need to rush anything, he had plenty of time to get through everything he wanted to.

Time was a sensitive thing to Steve these days. Falling asleep caused him panic, worrying he was going to close his eyes and wake up further into the future, into another world he would have to adjust to without those he knew. He didn't want to waste the time he had, he wanted to use it to discover all the things he had missed and work on getting his life back, whatever was left of it.

The footsteps made him stop hitting against the bag, breathing heavily as he looked over to see Hayley walking inside. Her hair wasn't in a ponytail as it usually was whenever she planned to work out, instead pulled to the side while the waves fell over her shoulder almost perfectly.

''Have you been here all day?'' she asked, making her way over to their mini fridge.

''No,'' he shook his head, the need for breath obvious in his voice. ''I mean yes, but I've been looking over some of the stuff you brought in,''

Hayley pulled out two bottles of water and slid one across to where Steve was heading, closing the door of the fridge with her foot.

''How's it going?'' she asked, taking a sip as she sat down.

''It's a lot to take in. Their theories about my disappearance are a bit...''

''A bit out there, huh?'' she nodded. ''There were a lot of people who really wanted to find you, they would have tried anything and believed anything,''

''I didn't think that me dying or disappearing would be such a big deal,''

''You saved a lot of people Steve, you were a hero to those people, you still are,'' she explained.

''A lot of other men saved people too, but no one made a fuss about them,'' he told her, sitting back in his chair and deciding to change the topic. ''How was your session?''

Hayley gave him a look before rolling her eyes, a groan escaping her lips. If anyone understood just how frustrating and uncomfortable those sessions with Rafferty were, it was Steve. They both hated having to go and even though they had gone weeks now without seeing the doctor, it was still just as unbearable.

''That bad, huh?'' he asked, almost reading her mind.

''I don't know what it is about those sessions, I just can't stand them,'' she shook her head.

''I know what you mean,''

''He won't approve me to go back to SHIELD training,''

Steve looked over to her, watching as she shrugged in response. There was a big part of her that knew Rafferty wasn't going to let her go back into training just yet, but there was always a chance she could have, and once again it had been snatched away from her.

''I'm sorry,'' he offered.

''It's not a big deal,'' she shrugged again, brushing it off. ''Not like I wasn't expecting it, I just thought I was improving,''

''You are,'' he told her. ''Just because Rafferty won't approve you for training doesn't mean you're not getting better,''

''Well if I'm getting better, why do they still not trust me?''

Steve sighed, unable to answer that for her. Hayley didn't want to focus on it anymore, she had already spent all day in that office with Rafferty, right now all she wanted to do was take her mind off it and not bring down the mood of everyone around her.

''You hungry?'' she asked, her voice perkier. ''I'm starving. Let's go over to the diner,''

And just like that, she managed to sweep another one of her problems under the mat.

* * *

The loud crack of thunder rumbled through the city, shaking the walls of the building and pulling Steve from his somewhat peaceful slumber. He jolted up in bed, a gasp for air escaping his mouth as his eyes locked on the window in his room. It was only open a few inches, but it was enough to make his room feel like a freezer and that was the last thing he needed right now considering his nightmares. Taking a few deep breaths and letting himself realize the noise was in fact from the storm, Steve slid out of bed and walked over to the window, pulling it closed.

Meanwhile the rain was pouring down heavily outside where Hayley was hurriedly trying to make her way back to her apartment. She had been for a late night gym session and decided to head home when it hit midnight, but she had only been on the sidewalk for a few minutes before the storm hit. The wind felt like it was going to blow her away, but Hayley just lifted the hood of her jacket over her head and kept running.

The lightning illuminated the city long enough between each clap of thunder for Hayley to find her way to the front door of the building, pulling it closed behind her and taking a few moments to catch her breath. The city looked like chaos outside in the empty streets, water streaming down the roads as if it was a river and wind blowing viciously through the trees.

Hayley made her way to the stairs as ignored the squishing wet sound coming from her shoes with every step that she took, wanting to get to her apartment as soon as possible and change. However when she made it a few floors up, the lights in the building began flickering and soon enough shut off altogether.

''You're kidding,'' she groaned, pushing the hood off her head and trying to see.

Everything was black, it was hard to see even three steps in front of her. But it was worse when the thunder continued. The loud booms of the storm made her shake while she stood in the hall, but before she let herself be overtaken by fears, she realized she was on Steve's floor. All she had to do was make out the first apartment number she could see and then find her way to Steve's. Grabbing at the walls in the darkness, Hayley used the light from her phone's screen to find the right apartment, immediately knocking.

The door opened a few seconds later, but Hayley wasn't surprised he was already awake. If it weren't the nightmares and the struggle of sleeping being enough already, the storm was loud enough to wake any of the residents.

''Sorry, it's just me,'' Hayley told him, worried he might not be able to make her out.

''Hayley? What are you doing?'' he asked, his voice only just reaching her over the sound of the thunder.

''There's a blackout, I was coming through the hall and then the thunder kept going and-''

''Why were you out?'' he questioned, opening the door and letting her in.

''I was at the gym, I didn't know there was a s-storm coming,'' she stuttered, her teeth chattering.

Storms weren't the most ideal situation for people who suffered nightmares about explosions and gunfire, but being stuck in a building hall that was pitch black blurred the line between reality and nightmare. Steve knew she was scared by the way her voice was coming out, but it was also because she was dripping wet from head to toe. Locking the door behind them, Steve lead Hayley to the living room and helped pull off the soaking jacket.

As Hayley tried to stop shaking, she couldn't help noticing after a flash of lightning that Steve was shirtless. It was definitely not the time to stare or even be bothered by it, but she couldn't help feeling slightly awkward now that his naked chest was pressed against her shoulder.

A few moments ago Steve himself was having trouble controlling his breathing, the storm scaring him awake and then echoing through his head. However as soon as Hayley arrived, he switched his attention to her. He was no longer seeing the explosions that the thunder reminded him of, or the bullets that the pelting rain brought back to him.

''You're freezing,'' he spoke, concern obvious in his voice. ''I'm getting you some towels,''

Steve turned and grabbed the torch that was sitting on the coffee table, flicking it on and heading into the bathroom nearby. Hayley hated to have bothered him when she knew he would be quite startled by the storm as well, but she was just glad she had been nearby when the lights all went out. Even though the thunder was still rumbling, the lightning was still striking and the rain hadn't eased up at all, she felt much better in Steve's apartment.

A few seconds later Steve returned, this time with a shirt on.

''Here,'' he handed her a heap of warm, dry blankets and clothes. ''You can't stay in those,''

''Oh, I'll be fine, you don't have to-''

''Hayley, you're shivering, you can't stay in those clothes,'' he insisted. ''Uh, it's just one of my shirt and some sweatpants, but they'll keep you warm,''

''Thanks,''

Steve stared at her for a moment as he held the torch away from them, noticing how wide her eyes were as she looked up at him. It only took a few more seconds before he realized he needed to give her some privacy.

''I'll just check that uh, that my windows are closed,'' he stammered, taking a few steps back.

''Okay,'' she nodded, at a loss for anymore words.

When he walked out of her sight and into his bedroom, Hayley quickly undressed herself and changed into the clean clothes Steve had given her. She had never appreciated dry clothes so much before. Once she was finished, she grabbed one of the towels and began working at her hair to try and stop the water dripping down her back. Her body wouldn't stop shivering though, the cold and the fright all hitting her with no intention of leaving. But at least she wasn't alone. Someone else shared those fears and didn't think it was irrational to be terrified of thunder, and she was forever growing more appreciative of Steve Rogers in her life.

* * *

**Will be continued in next chapter...**

_*Jamie Scott - Unbreakable_


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey guys! Once again thank you to everyone following/favoriting/supporting the story! I'm trying to get ahead with some chapters in terms of planning and all, so I hope you're all still interested in sticking with me throughout it's progression.**

**Also I know you're probably wondering why this isn't listed as Captain America fanfic since it's pretty clear that's where the focus of this story is, but I'm just letting you guys know that this story will be heading into the Avengers plot/storyline in a few chapters time, so I hope you guys will enjoy that. In the meantime, Steve and Hayley's relationship will get a lot more interesting.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviews this story, you are all lovely and it means a lot to me to hear from you guys and see you're liking the story so far, so thank you so much, it really does motivate me.**

**Also a big thanks to RowennaOlympian for the info about New York in the 40's. I'm not from the US so I have very little knowledge about that stuff and no idea what to research, so thank you for filling me in and I'll definitely use that information in future chapters.**

**Thanks for reading :)**

* * *

_Oh, I'm guaranteed to lose my mind_  
_It's dangerous to speak and sigh_  
_You might know what I'm trying to hide_

_So don't you worry  
__you'll be my resolution_

* * *

It was a few minutes later when Steve emerged from his room, the torch in his hand flashing over by the living room windows where Hayley was standing, looking out at the city. His clothes were far too big for her, but he could see she was very comfortable in them. The shirt hung down to below her waist and almost covered her elbows, a testament to how well Steve actually filled it out.

Hayley turned to him with a light smile when she noticed him back in the room, pulling her phone up in her hand.

''I just got an alert from SHIELD, the power in Manhattan's gonna be out for a few hours,'' she informed.

Looking out the window beside her, Steve could see that the storm had no intention of settling down anytime soon. The roar of the wind was terrifying especially when coupled with the lightning and thunder, but at least they were both awake, inside and aware of it happening. And at least they weren't alone.

''I can't believe you were out in that,'' he commented, watching as the rain continued to flood the streets.

''It caught me off guard. I'm just lucky the power went off when I was on this floor and that you answer your door so late at night,'' she looked over to him. ''Which is actually a big no-no in the stranger danger handbook,''

Steve chuckled, unable to take her warning seriously since she was smiling herself.

''There's not many people who knock on my door, especially late at night,''

''You never know,'' she continued. ''You should invest in a baseball bat by the door. Actually, you probably wouldn't need one, you're kind of your own baseball bat,''

Again, Steve broke out in a laugh that infected Hayley as well. However it was barely audible over the rain that was now hitting against the window thanks to the wind. They both watched as the storm continued, able to appreciate it's beauty in the night sky now that their fears had melted away.

''I'm sorry for bothering you,'' she spoke a few moments later.

''You're not,'' Steve denied. ''The storm woke me anyway,''

''Still, I should let you get back to bed,''

''The power's out in the whole building,'' he reminded, turning to her when she stepped away.

''I'm not afraid of the dark. I just...I'm not a fan of it combined with thunder and flashes of lightning,'' she justified.

Steve shook his head in refusal but he was sure she couldn't see him in the dark room.

''I'll walk you back then,'' he offered.

''No it's fine Steve,''

''Then you're staying here until the storm calms down,''

''Honestly it's fi-''

Hayley was cut off by her own scream as a much louder clap of thunder hit, the noise rippling through her body as if there was an earthquake. Steve jolted slightly in surprise at both the thunder and the scream as he watched her look over to the window, frightened. They both remained silent as Hayley took a deep breath, her body relaxing after the scare.

''S-so maybe I'm not the biggest fan of thunder or big storms,'' she admit. ''Which means a thunder storm...they kind of scare me,''

''Then you'll stay here until it passes,'' he told her gently. ''And no arguments about it,''

''I'm almost 26, I should be able to walk to my apartment in the same building without getting scared like a little kid,'' she huffed, folding her arms.

''Lots of people don't like thunder storms, myself included,''

''You didn't scream,'' she pointed out.

''You distracted me,'' he countered.

Hayley's lips quirked into a small smile as they looked at one another for a moment. Steve had no intention of letting her leave on her own right now and Hayley wasn't going to let him walk her back to her apartment after barging in on him like this, which meant there was no other option but for her to stay here and wait for the storm to pass. However by the sounds outside, it didn't seem like it would be calming down anytime soon and therefore the power wouldn't be coming back on.

She was a stubborn woman, but Steve had been noticing that she was becoming much more open with him and talking about things he knew she wouldn't share with other people. Admitting to a fear of thunder storms wouldn't be a big deal for someone, but for Hayley it was like telling someone a weakness. Just having her share that with him reminded Steve that she really did trust him.

''Well if I'm waiting out this storm, you should still get back to sleep,'' she suggested, breaking their silence.

''You need sleep too,'' he pointed out.

''I don't think I'll be getting any sleep, I'll just stare out the window from the couch,'' she shrugged. ''But I've bothered you enough, go back to sleep,''

Steve smiled at her thoughtfulness.

''I'll get you some blankets, you're still shivering,''

Hayley watched as he left the room, running her hand along her arm and feeling the resulting goosebumps from how cold she was. Her hair was still quite damp from the rain even after she had tried to dry it with a towel.

It was hard to think that an hour ago she was at the gym working up a sweat, completely oblivious to the storm brewing in the skies above and the idea of staying with Steve until it all passed. She still couldn't believe that she had let the thunder and darkness get to her so much that she had to come to Steve's apartment. It shouldn't bother her like that, not when she was supposed to be making progress. To be fair, there hadn't been a storm for a few months for her fear to become a problem, but this was just another thing she was going to have to live with. At least she knew Steve didn't like them either. Maybe the thunder reminded him of the same things that flashed through her mind.

A few seconds later Steve was back, walking past Hayley and setting a few blankets down on the couch. He didn't feel right making her stay there, he should have offered her his room for the night so she could rest. But Steve knew her well enough by now to know she would have refused, and he believed her when she said she wouldn't be getting anymore sleep that night. He probably wouldn't either.

"Are you sure you don't want a pillow or something comfier?" he asked.

"I've slept in worse," she shook her head. "This is more than fine. Like I said, I'll just be staring out the window at the rain,"

Steve glanced over to the rainy sky outside, noticing that it wouldn't be a bad sight to stare at for the night. Hayley switched her view from the window back to Steve as she sat on the couch arm rest. His eyes looked tired, clearly groggy from being woke up suddenly by the storm, and she couldn't help smiling at how messy his hair seemed. Steve suddenly turned back to her, a questioning look on his face when he saw her grin.

"_You_ need sleep," she reminded before he could say anything.

"I'm on it," he nodded firmly as if accepting orders, although an amused look on his face. "Are you sure you don't need anything-"

"Steve you've done plenty, stop fussing over me," she threw her hands up, pointing at him as if to warn. "Go. Sleep."

Saying no more, Steve backed away in surrender, a smile on his lips as he made his way to the bedroom. She was the one who had been caught in the fierce storm and then trapped in the hall when the power went out with a fear of thunder storms, yet she was more worried right now about Steve getting some much needed sleep.

Closing the door and gently laying down on his back, Steve rested his arm behind his head as he thought about his unexpected night after waking up to the storm. He didn't think he'd be having guests over at midnight, but he was surprised by how content he was right now just knowing Hayley was somewhat close to him. She gave him such leave by just being around, reminding him that all the thoughts that drove him mad weren't as important as he thought. She always took his mind away from the bad and onto the good, taking his worries away with just the sound of her voice. Right now, separated by just a wall and a small hallway, was no different.

* * *

It had taken about an hour for the thunder to die down, now turning into quiet rumbles in the distance. There was no longer any lightning either, just the peaceful repetition of raindrops on the window which Hayley had to admit were starting to put her to sleep. She had been staring out the window the whole time, watching the city light up and dull down from the storm, the wind even settling.

The blanket Steve gave her helped stop the shivering, providing her with a toasty warm cocoon on the couch. It had been quite some time since Hayley had fallen asleep somewhere other than her own apartment, but right now she could feel her eyelids becoming heavy and her head tilting back to lean on the arm of the couch, letting her know just how exhausted she was. However a few minutes later when she had closed her eyes for a few seconds, accepting that she might as well get some sleep, she could hear noises coming from Steve's bedroom.

It was being in the ice, it was one of his biggest fears now. The plane submerging into the water and feeling the chill taking over, suffocating him until he surrendered to it. Air was harder to grab, he was losing control of his body and he knew he was going to die. But he was doing it for everyone he loved, he was saving them, he was protecting the world. That didn't make it any easier though.

Then his mind would drag him through the memories on the battlefield, the missions he lead the Howling Commandos on, when they lost soldiers and done things that would stay and haunt them forever. The sound of guns echoing in his ear, the ground collapsing below his feet, utter terror all around him.

Hayley had debated with herself about getting up from her position on the couch to go investigate the odd noises, but in the end she had tossed the blanket to her feet and stood up. It sounded like muffled crying or gasping for breath. As she walked across the room to Steve's door, she could hear his cries a lot clearer now and she realized what was going on. Steve was having a nightmare.

Pushing the door open quietly, Hayley poked her head into the room and saw Steve laying in bed, his eyes squeezed shut as if in pain and his body trembling. It wasn't a hard decision to make when it came to whether or not she should wake him. He was going through hell in his sleep, she had to let him know it wasn't real. Just like her nightmares, everything felt real, like they were going through it all over again.

''Steve,'' she called out as she stepped into the room. ''Steve?''

Hayley wasn't sure how deep into his slumber he was, but she was hoping she could get through to him as gently as possibly. His cries were getting louder and she could hear his breathing getting faster, watching as he continued to go through the dreaded memories. It hurt her to see him like this not only because she knew how it felt, but because Steve always hid this side of him. She knew he would have nightmares and they had both spoke about how hard it was to sleep after everything they had been through, but Steve never told her how much he suffered.

When she made it to his side, Hayley reached out and put her hand on his shoulder, carefully rocking him and trying to get a response.

''Steve,'' she said, louder this time. ''Wake up Steve,''

With one more forceful nudge, Steve's eyes shot open. He could see a figure standing beside him, immediately pushing himself back and away from it. His breathing was out of control and the only thought that ran through his mind was that he had to get away from the enemy. The shooting sounds were gone, the explosions now silent and Steve's body was covered in a slight layer of sweat, no ice to be found.

''Steve, it's okay,'' Hayley began, slowly leaning in so that he could see she wasn't going to hurt him. ''It's just me, Hayley, it's okay,''

''W-what's going on?''

''You were dreaming, it's not real, it's over now,'' she explained.

''It's not real,'' he nodded, trying to convince himself.

Steve didn't know what to think when his mind shifted back to reality. He had woken up many times from nightmares but he hadn't been shaking so much before, it was like he was right there back in the ice and fighting the war. He hated that he let it do that to him, that all those memories he wanted to forget kept attacking him. He also hated that Hayley had to see him like this.

''What year is it?'' he asked, moving his hand up to rest against his forehead.

''It's not real Steve,''

''I need to know,'' he told her firmly.

Hayley could hear the fear in his voice.

''It's 2012,'' she told him calmly. ''You're in New York, SHIELD facility, this is your apartment, you're safe,''

Steve let out a long, relieved sigh. It was just a dream, nothing about it was happening right now.

''I'm sorry,'' he shook his head.

''Hey,'' she reached out, her hand on his arm. ''It's nothing to be sorry for,''

''It felt real,'' he said, his gaze still not meeting hers.

''I know,'' she nodded sadly.

''I-I think it was the thunder,''

''It's over now, try not to think about it,'' she suggested. ''Think about your happy memories,''

''I don't have many of those,''

Hayley frowned, trying to think of how to help him.

''Then listen to the rain. Listen to it hitting against the windows, it's peaceful,''

Steve took a deep breath and listened, immediately registering the sound of the rain against the glass. It was peaceful indeed, but Steve's body just wouldn't stop shaking. He was out of his nightmare but it still loomed over him.

They were in silence for a few minutes until Steve leaned back against the headboard of the bed, his eyes slowly falling shut. He focused on the rain just as he was advised, breathing in slowly and carefully. Hayley watched as he calmed down, quietly moving away. However when Steve felt her hand slip from his arm, his eyes opened and he reached out for her.

Hayley turned immediately, her eyes locked on Steve's hand gripping her own. When she moved her focus upward, she saw Steve looking back at her with tired, pleading eyes.

''Can you...can you stay?'' he asked worriedly. ''I just need to know I'm still here,''

It wasn't hard to see the fear in his request. Steve was scared he was going to fall asleep and wake up in another time. His nightmare must have been about his crash, and now he couldn't get it out of his head. He needed Hayley to be his reminder that it wasn't going to happen again, that he was safe.

''Yeah,'' she nodded after a moment. ''I can stay,''

Steve moved over and provided her enough room to sit next to him, but he quickly went back to resting his head back and breathing steadily. Hayley didn't have time to process what was going on but she knew that she would do anything to help him right now, and if that meant sitting by his side so to reassure him he was okay, it required no thought.

Still, she could hear his heavy breathing and feel the tremble in his body as his hand continued to grip hers. He was still thinking about his nightmare and Hayley knew she had to take his mind off it. Seeing Steve like this wasn't something she enjoyed at all, in fact it pained her.

''Let's go to Coney Island again next week,'' she began, her voice soothing and happy. ''They have a carnival on and all the rides will be going. We can get hotdogs and go on the Cyclone, maybe not in that order though,''

''That sounds nice,'' Steve responded, his voice still shaky, desperately trying to snap himself out of his thoughts.

''It'll be nice and sunny, not a drop of rain in sight. The subway won't be busy, the people won't be assholes, the lines won't be long and if they are we'll get heaps of cotton candy to get us through,'' she continued, painting a perfect day for him to think about. ''And neither of us will be scared of the Cyclone because we're finally tall enough to ride it, and then we can go to the arcade and I'll win that blue teddy bear I've always seen on the posters and you'll win King Of The Hammer. Then when we're done, we'll get the best chocolate shake and sit down by the pier while the sun goes down, all the lights in Brooklyn turning on,''

Hayley watched as Steve's chest began to calm down, his breathing slowing down to normal as his eyes stayed closed. Steve enjoyed the day she was planning, but frankly just the sound of her voice alone was enough to calm him down. Her voice was so soothing, it was as if nothing bad could happen to him as long as she kept talking. He could still hear her voice as he felt himself slipping into unconsciousness, his mind needing a rest after running in overdrive. However he could still feel her hand in his, her thumb moving gently along his finger, and he had no intention of letting go.

* * *

_*Matt Corby - Resolution_


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey guys, once again thanks for following/favoriting/supporting this story. I hope you're ready for the Avengers storyline because I'm just starting to get into it with this chapter and hopefully you'll be able to see another side of Hayley when she finally gets back into her field zone. **

**Thanks to everyone who reviews, I really appreciate hearing from you guys!**

**Enjoy the chapter :)  
**

* * *

_In my past, bittersweet,_  
_There's no love between the sheets,_  
_Taste the blood, broken dreams,_  
_Lonely times indeed,_  
_With eyes cast down_  
_  
_

* * *

Steve could hear the cars on the street below as he slowly awoke, missing his peaceful slumber already. His eyes were still closed, trying to hold on to his rest, when he felt a sudden yet slight movement. It barely took a second for him to realize his head was no longer on the hard, wooden board behind the bed and instead was laying on the side of Hayley's stomach. He must have slipped further down the bed as he fell deeper into his sleep, wanting to be close to Hayley and eventually using her as a pillow.

Unsure as to whether or not he should move just yet, Steve thought about everything that had happened. He remembered his nightmare and he especially remembered Hayley calming him down, assuring him none of it was real, that he was safe. He just needed her to be with him after that, he needed to feel her voice and know that she was nearby. However now he felt completely embarrassed about it. It was one thing to have her see him in that state, but to ask her to stay with him through the night, that was just selfish and wrong.

They weren't like that. They were friends. Hayley was the closest person he had in his life, the only person, and he couldn't risk anything happening to that. He hoped he hadn't changed anything between them, he hoped he hadn't made Hayley uncomfortable.

''Good morning,''

The sudden greeting made Steve jump, but he soon lifted himself from her and leaned up on his elbow, his eyes meeting hers a few moments later. She didn't look as tired as usual and he wondered if she had managed to get any sleep.

''Is this the latest you've ever slept in?'' she asked.

Steve moved his focus over to the clock on his bedside table, eyes widening as it read 9.45 am.

''Oh god,'' he sighed, lifting his hand to rub along his temples. ''I'm sorry,''

''For sleeping in? You should be proud, that's a good effort right there,'' she joked, sensing that Steve was full of guilt.

''I shouldn't have made you stay-''

''I wouldn't have stayed if I didn't want to,'' she cut in.

''No, it was wrong of me to ask you to do that,'' he shook his head, sitting up.

''Steve, I know what it's like to have those nightmares and have them feel so real that you need a way to know they're not. You needed me to let you know it wasn't real and that you were still here, and I'm perfectly fine with that,''

Steve saw the look in her eyes when she spoke and he knew that she meant it. She wanted to help him anyway she could, but Steve hated being a burden to someone like that. Hayley could tell he was conflicted about the whole thing, but she was becoming frustrated that he wouldn't just accept that it was her decision to stay and be with him anyway. Steve may have asked for her help, but in the end it was Hayley's choice to whether or not she did anything regarding it.

''You let me lean on you that night,'' she reminded him.

''That was different, you didn't ask me to stay with you,''

''Which makes what you done mean so much more to me,'' she raised her voice. ''How can't you see that I want to help you?''

''I shouldn't need help with this!'' he snapped. ''Maybe I don't know everything about the twenty first century or how to use all the functions on my cell phone, but I should be able to sleep without needing someone's help,''

Hayley remained silent as Steve finally got out what he wanted to say, folding her arms and leaning back onto the headboard. He looked so pained, like he didn't know how to word what he was feeling. When this happened to Hayley, she did the same thing. She didn't want Steve's help, she didn't think she needed it. People shouldn't have to be assisted in falling asleep, but not all people went through what they had. Especially not Steve's situation.

Refusing help was something she could definitely relate to, but over the past month she had been changing that. All because of Steve. Because he didn't look at her like everyone else did when she told him about personal things, when she explained that she woke up in a fright every night, because he understood. Hayley just wished that he could see she was in his position now. She wanted to help but he just couldn't get past not needing it.

Hayley scooted to the edge of the bed and stood up moments later, gaining Steve's attention.

''Is it frustrating when you tell me I can talk to you about anything, but I tell you I don't need help?'' she asked, folding her arms again. ''Because that how I feel right now,''

Steve stared back at her.

''I'm not trying to upset you,''

''And I'm not trying to make you feel stupid about wanting me to stay with you last night, because it's _not_ stupid. You're my friend Steve, you're my best friend and you're so stubborn!''

There was a moment of silence between them once again before Steve looked up at her and almost broke out in a grin. Hayley caught him though before he could extend it to a laugh.

''What?'' she demanded.

''You're telling me _I'm_ stubborn,'' he chuckled lightly.

Hayley couldn't help the small smile that crept onto her lips as well.

''Well you are, and you're trying to change the subject,''

Steve let out a long sigh.

''I'm just not used to someone doing that for me,'' he told her. ''It's been a long time since someone's seen me so...scared,''

''It's nothing to be ashamed of,'' she shook her head, remembering the same thing Steve told her the night before. ''Everyone has their own triggers,''

''I just don't like dragging you into it,''

''Look, I'm pretty sure that by now we should really get past this whole 'this is my problem, this is my mess' deal. SHIELD didn't pair us up for no reason, they know we're dealing with the same shit,'' she took a seat beside him. ''Maybe not exactly the same and maybe not even in the same century, but it hurts us just the same. You help me and I help you, that was the assignment to begin with. It took me a long time to admit that. But wouldn't it be easier if we stopped trying to protect each other from what we already know is there?''

Steve could see what she was saying. They both had so much they were dealing with and it was all essentially the same stuff. Nightmares, triggers, memories, all of this baggage they were trying to run from and handle on their own, but it was proving too much. It was easier when they were together, they could lean on one another and everything was so much simpler. That was the whole point of them being given this assignment anyway, it had just taken them some time to get to that point where they could both admit they needed help, but also accept that help from only each other.

''When I refused SHIELD's help after I woke up, it was because I didn't want anyone to see me like this,'' he admit. ''Weak, vulnerable and scared. I didn't want anyone to see me that way or look down on me because of it. I don't trust SHIELD, but I do trust you,''

Hayley smiled, extending her hand out to put on top of his.

''Then let's make a deal. From now on we share the mess, no holding back when you need help,''

''This applies to you too,'' he added, a smile on his lips.

It felt like just by talking to her about it a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Hayley knew what he was going through and he knew what she was going through. There was no point trying to hide it from one another anymore.

''Deal,''

* * *

Hayley had left Steve's apartment not long after their conversation, heading to her own apartment and jumping into the shower. Despite being by Steve's side, Hayley happened to have a few hours sleep as well and for once she didn't feel like she was going to black out from exhaustion during the day. It had been a long time since she had anyone by her side when she slept, but it was nice to have Steve holding her hand and knowing that she was close to someone who had the same troubles she did.

Steve had changed a lot of things for Hayley since they had met, and she had changed a lot for him too. She could tell him things she wouldn't share with anyone else and they spent more time together than apart. It had taken a while to get used to the idea of having someone like him in her life, but she was glad SHIELD assigned them to one another. For once they hadn't made a bad call.

When Hayley stepped out and wrapped a towel around her body, she heard her phone ringing in her bedroom and hurried to answer it. There were only three people she ever expected calls from, but this number was not one of them. Cautiously, she answered.

''Hello?''

''Hello, is this O'Connor? I mean, Hayley O'Connor?'' a woman's voice asked.

''That depends who's calling,''

''Oh, it's Laura. I'm not sure if Elliot told you about me,''

Hayley had a small smile creep onto her lips then, folding her leg and sitting down on the edge of the bed. Blake had mentioned her before, maybe just the once, but her name instantly rang a bell in her mind. She remembered him briefly skipping over the details of meeting her, but what stood out the most was the redness that appeared on his cheeks whenever she tried to press the issue. It felt like so long ago.

''Laura, yeah I've heard him talk about you,'' Hayley answered after a pause. ''Is everything okay?''

''Well, it's just that I haven't heard from Elliot in a few days. I know he's on one of those missions but usually every three days he'll call me and y'know, just check in. But it's been five days now and I haven't heard anything. Before he left he told me if anything happened to call O'Connor,''

Hayley could hear the worry in her voice. She hadn't heard from Blake either in about a week, but she just assumed it was because she told him she didn't need him taking care of her from another country and on mission. It never occurred to her that anything would be wrong.

''Where was he when he called you last?''

''He said he couldn't tell me. I know he said he was going to Singapore, but that's it. I don't know where we was when he called last, I don't know what he was doing and now...I don't know what's happened,''

''I'm sure he's just busy,'' Hayley explained, trying to ease her worries. ''He does this sometimes, it's comes with the job, he's not trying to worry you,''

''I know, I just wish his job wasn't so secretive,'' Laura sighed.

''If I hear anything I'll call you, I'll try and find out what's going on but I'm not authorized to know much at all,'' Hayley told her. ''But I will let you know if I know anything,''

''Thank you Hayley,''

''No problem,''

When Hayley pulled the phone away from her ear, she ran over the conversation against in her head. Blake was always busy on missions, but always found time to call and check in. She understood him not calling her, she basically complained every time, but he had been calling Laura regularly and she knew he wouldn't just stop out of nowhere because he wouldn't want to worry her for no reason.

Which meant there was a big chance of there being an actual reason.

Hayley knew it was useless, but she tried calling Blake a few times, listening to it ring out and go to his voicemail. Blake wouldn't go this long without checking it unless something big was happening or worse, and Hayley tried to keep herself from thinking anything bad could have happened.

Blake was like a brother to her, she couldn't face anything happening to him. But he was also a SHIELD agent and was trained in taking care of himself, which only brought on more worries as Hayley considered what could have been stopping him from getting in contact.

In record timing, Hayley managed to dry herself off and get changed fast enough to leave her apartment looking somewhat decent. She didn't know if she was going to be able to get any answers from this facility considering she wasn't allowed onto the field and therefore had restricted access to almost everything, but there was no way she wasn't going to try.

Making her way to the field ops training level, Hayley took a deep breath as she continued walking, realizing just how long it had been since she was here. She folded her arms and kept them close to her chest as she made her way to the division's head agents. It was oddly intimidating to be back in these halls. She used to almost live in them, switching from training room to training room and spending most of her time mastering her skills, but being back now after everything that happened, she felt like a stranger.

It was when she almost made it to the main office that the alarm went off. There was a red light flashing beside her and a hologram appeared.

''Private Hayley O'Connor,'' the robotic woman's voice said. ''Clearance not authorized,''

Hayley sighed and rolled her eyes, hands immediately going to her hips. They weren't kidding when they said she had been banned from the training rooms. Lucky she didn't actually come up here all of those times she had wanted to sneak away and train properly.

''O'Connor,''

Turning to the human voice that came from behind her, Hayley didn't move her hands off her hips as she looked up at the man.

''Agent Kalita,'' Hayley greeted as best she could.

When she returned from the mission that killed her brother almost eight months ago, Kalita was the one who suggested to Coulson that she be taken from duty immediately. She understood that and appreciated his concern at the time, but it soon unraveled into him thinking she was done with the field, unable to cope with it anymore, and she did not appreciate that.

''I thought you would have been an agent by now,'' he smiled, friendly. ''Weren't you in talks to qualify with Coulson's unit?''

''Right,'' she remembered with a nod. ''Well, I guess the process got halted there for a while when I got back,''

Kalita's smile fell, realizing she perhaps wasn't too happy with him for taking part in her restrictions.

''Yes, I suppose so,''

Hayley didn't have time for awkward silences between the two of them, deciding to get to the point of her visit right away.

''I need to talk to Coulson,'' she folded her arms again.

''He's on assignment,''

''I know, but I need to talk to him,''

Kalita looked concerned for a moment, studying Hayley's face as if she knew something she shouldn't.

''You know he doesn't take calls when he's on the field,''

Just as the words left Kalita's mouth, his head snapped around at the footsteps approaching behind. Phil Coulson was walking down the hall, a look on determination on his face as usual, but today he seemed to be in much more of a rush. Neither of them knew what to do when Coulson silently made his way past them, slipping into his office as if everything was totally normal. Hayley watched as Kalita stared at the now closed door, confirming her suspicions that he wasn't supposed to be here.

Before anything else could be said, Hayley walked over to the agents door and let herself inside, ignoring Kalita's protesting gestures.

"Coulson," she looked over to the man. "I know you're busy,"

"Nice to see you back around field training again," he smiled briefly, his hands working as a safe inside his desk.

Hayley watched his cautiously, wondering what was going on. Coulson normally worked countless missions all at once, there wasn't a thing he didn't know about the assignments, which meant that somewhere in his busy and overworked mind, he would have answers for her.

"I need some information," she told him, staying where she was by the door.

"I'm not here long,"

"It won't take long. I was hoping you'd know where Agent Blake's being stationed," she asked, noticing Coulson's eyes flicker away from his work and to her.

"I thought he would have told you where he was going, he doesn't keep much from you,"

"He told me Singapore,"

"Singapore," Coulson shook his head, amused. "Should have known he'd use that, he's been wanting to tick that off his travel list,"

Hayley took a step closer, stopping and staring at the man, confused.

"He's not in Singapore?"

"You're not authorized to know that," Coulson looked up at her calmly.

"I don't care what my damn authorization is," Hayley fought, annoyed.

"SHIELD is about to go into chaos, something's happened at base and soon enough we'll all be faced with it," he told her. "The best thing you can do is stay away,"

"Don't treat me like I'm not part of SHIELD Coulson, like I'm some retired veteran who's done their part and is allowed to step back. I'm a-"

"You're a soldier, not an agent," he reminded. "Not yet. I never qualified you,"

"No, because I've been put on lockout," she snapped angrily. "I'm not here to argue about my situation, I just want to know where Blake is what's going on, I don't care about authorization. Coulson, that man is like a brother to me. If he's in trouble, I need to know, please,"

Coulson watched her carefully for a moment, understanding her need for information but also remembering she had no clearance for this information. However SHIELD was going to be facing something very soon where he couldn't guarantee a thing. Coulson had known Hayley for a long time, watching her grow and fall and pick herself up. But what was standing out to him the most right now was the fact that through all of that, especially after her brother passed, Agent Blake was there by her side. She was part of SHIELD, maybe she could handle knowing.

"Agent Blake was not in Singapore," Coulson shook his head. "He was on a highly confidential assignment at a remote SHIELD research facility,''

Hayley felt her heart beating faster in her chest.

''What do you mean he 'was'?'' she asked. ''Where is he now?''

''We don't know. There was an incident involving a powerful alien object and a crazed demi god who used a device to gain control over some of our agents and researchers, somehow like a spell on their mind, and stole that object. Blake was one of those agents,''

This was bad. SHIELD had the highest security possible and had every safety precaution and threat control that was needed. How someone claiming to be a demi god managed to get in and not only steal whatever SHIELD was working on but also take over human minds, it was unbelievable.

''I-I don't understand,'' she shook her head. ''An alien object and a demi god? How was Blake mixed up in all of that?''

''He's one of our best agents and we needed our top people on this,''

''And now they're gone,''

''We're working on it,''

''I need to know more,'' she demanded.

''You're not authorized to know anymore,''

''Then authorize me!'' she yelled, slamming her hands down on Coulson's desk. ''If he's been taken and you're leading some search crew to find them, I'm going with them,''

''It's not a search crew,'' he shook his head. ''But we're taking a small part of the defense team with us,''

''Where? What's your plan?'' she asked, knowing she wouldn't be allowed that information anyway. ''Coulson I'm part of that defense unit, I know I've been cut off from it for the past few months but I have not stopped training, I'm ready to go back in, especially to find our agents, to find Blake,''

Coulson looked up at her for a few moments, reaching over to grab a piece of paper and began scribbling something down on it. Hayley watched him curiously, wondering what was going on. Nothing seemed to make sense to her right now.

''I don't think you're completely ready,'' he told her, continuing on before she could argue. ''But I know you'd push past all of that to find Blake. His mind's been taken over and controlled, but you know him better than anyone, we could use your theories on what he might do. I'll put you in the defense unit, but this isn't a mission that we can take any chances with. If you can't handle it, or I think you're struggling, you're off it, no arguments,''

Hayley nodded firmly, accepting the terms. If there was ever a reason to go back when she still had doubts, it was to find Blake. He had been with her through everything and he would search for her just the same. There was no way she was letting anything stop her.

''Yes sir,''

* * *

_*Shake Me Down - Cage The Elephant_


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks to everyone following/favouriting and reviewing and reading :)**

* * *

_You've seen this all before  
Life left on the shore  
We're smiling all the same  
You sail away again_

* * *

Hayley gripped the piece of paper that Coulson gave her tight in her fingers as she rushed back to her apartment. It was coordinates to where she had to meet him in twenty minutes when he left the facility. The defense unit selected had already left for their base which meant Hayley would be accompanying Coulson to wherever they were off to. When it came to missions like this, the ones that worried even the Director of SHIELD, details were kept to an extreme minimum. She was glad to be going with Coulson though, she felt more comfortable with him than with the defense unit themselves. Coulson also had to brief her on everything that happened including the alien object and who the demi god was.

There was a lot that had to be done, but Hayley was determined to be by Coulson's side in exactly twenty minutes, ready to go find Blake. She had already changed into her field uniform; a black jumpsuit with adjusting straps and holsters for the weapons she would be issued. Going straight back into the mode she would be in before leaving for a mission, Hayley grabbed her small backpack and threw in very few necessities that she would be needing and pulling her hair up into a ponytail. She checked herself in the mirror for a few seconds, smiling when she saw the reflection of the girl she used to be all those months ago.

When Hayley finally had a moment to herself to think, she could only fixate on one thing that made her feel unsure about leaving. Steve. It wasn't as if they she needed his permission, that wasn't it at all, but she felt like she owed him an explanation at least. She knew he deserved that, but she didn't know how to tell him. Hayley had assured him that getting back on the field wasn't her main priority anymore, it was getting better and making her way there progressively. This, however, was an opportunity and situation she couldn't back away from.

Hayley was pulled from her thoughts when she heard someone at the door and for a moment she thought it would be Coulson himself coming to tell her she wasn't coming along after all, but instead it was Steve, staring back at her in confusion.

"Steve," she have a light smile, trying to let him know things were okay.

The look on his face almost scared her. Eyes wide, mouth open, concern etched into every feature.

"W-what's going on?" he asked, stepping inside and closing the door.

Steve had taken the whole morning to accept what had happened the night before and their conversation earlier, feeling guilty in the end for not properly thanking her for helping him and making his way over to do so. But he was met with a very unexpected situation.

"I have to go," she told him calmly. "But I'll be back,"

"Go? Where?" he shook his head, eyes falling down and coming back up, scanning her figure. "A mission?"

Hayley sighed, pulling her hands up to rest on her hips.

"It's not what you think. I…there's not much I can tell you, SHIELD confidentiality and all, but it's not what you think,"

"Well I think it looks like you're back in the field," he summed up. "Did Rafferty approve you?"

Steve watched as Hayley looked back at him, shaking her head in response. He couldn't believe this. It was one thing for SHIELD to even allow this, but for Hayley to go against everything she had been saying these past few weeks meant that Steve might not have known her as well as he thought. She had assured him she didn't want to get back in the field like she used to, that she'd focus on herself and there was no rush, yet here they were.

"You can't be serious. You know you're not ready for field work,"

"You've seen me train Steve," she argued. ''I'm in better shape now than I was when on duty,''

"Physically ready is not what I meant,"

"No, I know what you meant. I've always known what you meant," she stared at him. "You think I can't handle it,"

"I didn't say that," he snapped.

"You didn't have to say the words Steve, I know you better than that,"

"Well then you're right. I don't think you'll be able to handle it. Hayley you haven't dealt with things yet and I know you've made progress but you still don't believe you have PTSD-"

"Please don't start on what we each don't believe about ourselves, because we both know you're dealing with the same thing," she shot back. "And if you had a good reason to fight again, you wouldn't think twice about it,"

Steve's jaw clenched in anger. He didn't like when people told him how he would feel or what he was going through, he didn't like being judged like that. Hayley knew what buttons to press to anger him and it had escalated too quickly. They stood in silence for a moment, each breaking off their glares and looking down at the floor.

"I don't want to argue," Steve told her.

"Neither do I," she shrugged. "I'm not going on this mission to hurt you or worry you, and I can't tell you why I am or what's going on, but it'd be nice if you trusted me,"

"I do trust you. But I don't think you're making the right decision," he shook his head. "Whatever missions SHIELD's pulling you into, they can deal with it themselves. You shouldn't have to run to them when they call,"

Hayley folded her arms now.

"Is that what you think I'd do? I asked to be part of this mission because it involves something important to me and I won't sit in my apartment while it unfolds because everyone thinks I'm some fragile piece of glass. I fought for it and I'm getting a chance,"

"What if something happens out there?"

"Then it happens," she shrugged. ''I can't help that,''

Steve scoffed and shook his head, clearly not happy with this whole idea.

"Why is it so important? The other day you told me you weren't going to focus on the field so much, that we both had a lot more important things to work on. Why does this mission change that?"

Hayley sighed and shook her head, frustrated.

"You know I can't tell you,"

"If it's important enough for you to risk your life because you're on the field with PTSD, you should be able to tell me,"

''Well I'm sorry but I can't,''

''What happened to not keeping things from one another?'' he reminded. ''Or does that not apply to you?''

''This is completely different Steve, don't throw that in my face. This is serious SHIELD business, I can't tell you even if I want to,''

Steve couldn't believe she was doing this. He could understand that their was a code of confidentiality and maybe he really couldn't know what the mission was, but he felt he deserved to know what was so dire that it caused Hayley to march back into duty and for SHIELD to let her.

''I guess I won't be seeing you again then,''

Hayley was insulted at that.

''Why? Because I go on one mission?''

''Because you're back in the field and you've made no secret about that being your primary goal in this whole thing. You took this assignment to show SHIELD you could get better and now that they're putting you back on, there's no need for this is there?''

''I can't believe you right now,'' she shook her head. ''Don't for a second accuse me of using you to get back in the field. After everything we've been through you honestly think I'd just abandon you?''

Steve had no response for her, instead he just stood there and shrugged.

''I'm back in the field and going on this mission because someone I care about, someone I love, is in danger,'' she explained. ''And when it comes to people I care about like that, I don't stop and think, all I care about is saving them. I would do exactly the same for you. If you can't understand that then there's nothing left to talk about,''

Hayley grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulders, moving toward the door. Steve didn't know whether he should stop her and talk about what was going on, who this person was she was running out to save and if he could help. But instead he watched her walk away, not knowing if he would see her again, if she would be safe. It wasn't until the door closed that he knew he should have stopped her.

* * *

Coulson hadn't been surprised that Hayley turned up just in time for their jet to leave. He knew she was eager to begin the mission for many different reasons, but he had to keep a close eye on her. She hadn't been cleared for duty by Rafferty, she hadn't even been cleared for training, but Coulson knew they could use her on their team. However as he watched her standing around, he could see the determination in just her eyes.

''I'm sure it's just like you remember,'' he began, walking over to stand beside her.

Hayley turned to him with a light smile, one that didn't quite manage to mask the anxiety she felt. Not only was she trying to prepare herself for whatever they were about to get into, she couldn't take her mind off the argument she had with Steve just moments before she left. It wasn't the way she wanted to start all of this.

''Never had such a small group before,'' she shrugged. ''You took in twenty from the defense unit when there's hundreds,''

''We don't want to make a bigger scene than necessary on this one. We know it's gonna hit public places, we want to be as covert as possible,''

''Well, in these jets I'm sure you'll be very inconspicuous,''

Coulson grinned.

''We've got something else in place for that,'' he told her briefly. ''And with the people we're lining up, hopefully we won't need all of the defense unit,''

Hayley's eyebrows rose.

''Who are you lining up?''

''Just some people SHIELD think will be able to help,''

Nodding in understanding, Hayley lifted her arms and folded them close to her chest as Coulson stepped away. She didn't know what sort of mission she was getting into or where Blake would be within it all, but she knew that it was bigger than the others she had been on. Coulson was worried, SHIELD was worried, it wasn't normal.

A few moments later Coulson returned with a bag and dropped it down on the bench nearby.

''Weapons,'' she pointed. ''Take you pick, fill your tac suit,''

Hayley paused for a moment before undoing the bag, looking over the guns and various bit and pieces she could use on the field.

''Blake told me about your experience at the range,''

''I'm sure he did,''

''He's looking out for you, and it's his job,'' Couslon shrugged. ''But I need you to know that if there's anything your uncomfortable doing or using out there, back off,''

''Coulson I'm not going to lose it out there,'' she assured. ''That day at the ranges was weeks ago and it opened my eyes. I've dealt with it...well I'm dealing with it. I'm not going to screw up,''

As if to prove her point, Hayley began loading a small pistol, making sure it was ready to go as she slipped it into the holster on her right thigh. She wasn't going to have a repeat of that day at the range, she couldn't afford it. She had to accept that there were always going to be things that were going to freak her out or ignite memories she didn't want to relive, but that was going to be something she had to adapt to and learn to live with.

''I've had combat prep down as daily routine for years Coulson, I've got this,'' she told him with a small smirk. ''But now I need some details on this mission,''

Coulson nodded and reached for a light brown file loaded with papers and pictures, handing it to her.

''The defense unit didn't quite get details as in-depth as what's in this file, but since I'd rather you be closer to my side during this thing, I thought you might appreciate knowing exactly what's going on,'' he told her.

Hayley didn't argue his point about wanting her to be by his side. He was worried and this mission was extremely serious, she understood his concerns. However she felt quite out of place knowing that she wasn't going to be directly in the defense unit throughout this, but enough time had passed that she figured even being with her unit she would still feel unwanted.

''_Exactly_ what's going on? Really? Exacts in SHIELD?''_  
_

Coulson tried to hide his smile.

''Just read the file,''

* * *

It had been hours since Hayley had left and Steve had counted each one, regretting the fact he hadn't stopped her and let her know how how worried he was. It wasn't that he was mad at her for going off to do what she had done her whole life, what she was trained to do and wanted to do. It was that Steve knew she was going to be overwhelmed. She hadn't been cleared to go back into the field, she hadn't even been cleared to go back into training, and that scared him. It was a mixture of anger and worry and he couldn't take his mind off it.

After spending so much time with her, Steve liked to think he knew her quite well, but this had definitely taken him by surprise. From waking up that morning with her by his side, convincing him it was all okay and that they'd always be there for one another, to watching her walk out and into a dangerous mission hours later, this day hadn't gone as he expected.

Since sleep was out of the question when his mind was on so many things, Steve did what he usually done and headed out to the gym. It felt lonelier in there than usual, even when Hayley wasn't with him, because he knew she wasn't anywhere near him now. Steve tried hard not to think about her, hoping she would be back in a few days and maybe things could be the way they were, but he knew that wouldn't happen. He hated their argument too, but he had just been so angry. He had to stop thinking of it or he would drive himself mad.

Sadly, the only other thing on his mind was the nightmare he had the night before. Crashing into the water, feeling the ice around him, Peggy's voice the last he heard, the sound of the plane hitting the hard ice. Soon enough Steve's fists were hitting the punching bag harder then ever.

Then Hayley came back into his mind. She looked so innocent and happy, sitting on the pier with him in Brooklyn, hugging a blanket close on his couch, playing with the straw in her chocolate milkshake. Her hazel eyes and matching hair shining in the sun, looking back at him and making him feel nothing but peace and comfort. But now she had left him, and he had no idea if she would come back.

That's when the bag flew off the hinges and slammed into the wall behind. Steve heaved for air as he stared at the wreckage, swiftly turning around the pick up another.

"Trouble sleeping?"

Steve turned to the voice just after throwing a couple of punches, seeing the same man he met the day he woke up. The Director of SHIELD.

"I slept for seventy years sir, I think I've had my fill," he replied, his frustration seeping through.

Fury walked closer, his hands behind his back as he took a leisurely pace over to the man. Steve didn't know him too well, only dealing with him a few times since waking up, but he was the leader of SHIELD and Steve had respect for them.

''You should be out,'' Fury commented. ''Celebrating, seeing the world,''

Steve gave the man a look before beginning to walk over to his bag, unraveling the wraps on his hands.

''When I went under we were at war, when I woke up they said we won. They didn't say what we lost,'' he spoke.

''We've made some mistakes along the way,'' Fury admit. ''Some very recently,''

That's when he pulled his arms around to his front, Steve finally catching a glimpse of the file in his hands. There was only one thing the Director would come to him for considering he wasn't on field duty, or any duty actually.

''Are you here with a mission sir?'' he asked, knowing.

''I am,'' Fury nodded.

''Trying to get me back in the world?''

Everything from his argument with Hayley earlier was coming back to him and he couldn't help it. It was her job to assist him getting back into the world, to adapt to everything that had changed and she was the only person he wanted doing that. He didn't trust SHIELD and he didn't know the Director very well, but the fact the he wanted to get Steve back into things like this didn't make him overly confident.

''Trying to save it,''

Fury extended his arm, holding out the file for Steve to take. He was hesitant at first, but when he saw the image on the page Fury had opened, he couldn't help his curiosity. The Tesseract. The blue cube he had died protecting the world from.

''Hydra's secret weapons,'' he spoke, almost inaudibly, as he sat down on the bench.

''Howard Stark fished that out of the ocean when he was looking for you,'' Fury explained. ''He thought...well, we thought that the Tesseract could be the key to unlimited sustainable energy. That's something the world sorely needs,''

Steve could see what had happened now, it wasn't hard to piece together. SHIELD had the Tesseract and now they were coming to him for help. Closing the file with a slightly annoyed looked on his face, he handed it back before asking.

''Who took it from you?''

''He's called Loki. He's...not from around here. There's a lot we'll have to bring you up to speed with if you're in. The world had gotten a lot stranger than you already know,''

''At this point I doubt anything would surprise me,'' he stood up, ready to leave.

''Ten bucks says you're wrong,'' Fury wagered. ''There's a debriefing package back at your apartment,''

Steve paused, his bag in his hand, and turned back to face the Director. It all seemed too coincidental that Hayley would be needed for a mission the same day he was and that she couldn't tell him anything due to how big it was. But she never mentioned speaking to Fury, however Steve could easily see her not telling him that anyway. But someone Hayley cared about was in trouble, and if SHIELD was letting her back on the field, surely it would be for something huge like this.

''Is this the same mission you sent Hayley O'Connor on?'' he asked.

Fury took a moment to realize what he was referring to. With so much to be accountable for as Director, Fury had forgotten that the two of them had been assigned together and apparently becoming friends. He sighed and looked down for a moment, not needing to give Steve an answer for him to know.

''You sent her out in search for that?'' he asked again, pointing at the file.

''No,'' Fury denied. ''I didn't send her anywhere. Coulson is in charge of his defense unit, he chooses the operatives. Hayley O'Connor chose this mission,''

''She's not cleared for it and you let her go,''

''It's not my unit, and I trust Coulson's judgement,'' Fury argued.

''She's been off the field for months and the first thing you send her on is a search for the Tesseract,'' Steve shook his head, angry.

''I did not send her out for that,'' Fury said again. ''We have agents out there under Loki's control against their will and one of those agents happens to be someone very close to Hayley,''

It wasn't hard to click the pieces together now.

''Blake,'' Steve whispered to himself.

''I don't know what's going on between you two and I don't particularly care, but Hayley O'Connor has been with SHIELD long enough to decide whether she can handle this or not. Right now we don't have the luxury of screening operatives and agents for this mission,''

Steve thought about his earlier argument, Hayley's points making a lot more sense now. She was out there looking for Blake, trying to save him from Loki, and that's why she left. It wasn't to get back on the field or prove anything to SHIELD, it was to save someone she loved. And now it was Steve's turn to do the same.

''Is there anything you can tell us about the Tesseract that we don't already know?'' Fury asked when Steve began walking away again.

''You should have left it in the ocean,''

* * *

_*Dead In The Water - Ellie Goulding_


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey guys, once again thanks to everyone following/favoriting/reviewing and supporting the story. Thanks for reading :)**

* * *

_I was too weak to give in_  
_Too strong to lose_  
_My heart is under arrest again_  
_But I break loose_  
_My head is giving me life or death_  
_But I can't choose_  
_I swear I'll never give in_  
_I refuse_

* * *

Hayley wasn't expecting their location to be somewhere in the middle of the sky, but that's exactly where Coulson's jet landed. It was a huge craft, bigger than anything she had been on before, and it was just floating there in the sky as a makeshift headquarters for this mission. Coulson called it the helicarrier, but Hayley couldn't quite find a word yet to describe it herself.

After reading over the file on the way, Hayley had a good understanding of what was going on. The Tesseract had been taken along with agents, SHIELD wanted to get them all back. The Tesseract sounded familiar and it didn't take too long before Coulson explained to her it was the same weapon that Steve had 'died' protecting from the world. It was hard not to be mad about the fact SHIELD had it for so many years, but right now her mind was on getting it back and finding Blake. There was also the threat of Loki, the demi god, to worry about as well. This mission was very quickly becoming her most complex and most dangerous yet, but even that didn't scare her away.

Right now though she was being lead down the corridor in the helicarrier by a commanding agent, taking her to the defense unit who were on standby in one of the warehouses, training. Coulson had explained he had to pay someone a visit and Hayley knew that she wouldn't get any further information if she bothered asking, so instead she agreed to join her team right away. It was going to take some time to get used to being around them all again and getting back into her routine before a mission and she could feel her hands balling into fists by her side.

''Ah, Private O'Connor,''

Hayley's eyes flickered over to the man beside her, dressed in a grey t-shirt and dark blue cargo pants. He had the same determined look on his face as he always did when starting a mission, his hands on his hips casually as he smiled over to her.

''Commander Brennan,'' Hayley smiled in return, noticing the agent escorting her had now left.

''Long time no see,'' he took a few steps closer. ''Never thought I'd miss your annoying ass,''

Chuckling lightly, Hayley was instantly taken back to the old days with just the sound of his playful voice.

''And I never thought you'd consider anyone more annoying than yourself,'' she retorted, folding her arms. ''Has much changed since...since I've been gone?''

Brennan caught her small stutter, his smile almost disappearing when he thought about the fact her brother was no longer with them. Hayley and Nick would always show up together before splitting off, meeting back up on the field and working together. Brennan had never seen two people cooperate so well together and navigate through all sorts of situations out there on the field like they did and it was sad to think that one half of that team was gone. However he was glad that she was back.

''Same old, O'Connor,'' Brennan shook his head. ''Got a few new recruits, a few left to join tech instead but defense is still going strong. We've been working ops all over the place for a couple of months now, only just got back in town when SHIELD shipped us back out for this deal. Although I don't know whether to be insulted they didn't take more of the team or take it is a compliment that they only needed us,''

Hayley knew why they only needed a small group, but she played along with a shrug. It wasn't as if they were being kept in the dark about the mission, Coulson had told her that defense knew about the Tesseract and Loki, but they just needed small numbers to avoid any suspicion. However something told Hayley that if they were dealing with a demi god and a powerful weapon from a whole other world, they were going to gain attention whether they liked it or not.

''So am I being put back in my rank or do I have to climb my way back up?'' she asked, looking around at a few of the people she didn't know.

''Well you've been gone for a while,'' he shrugged.

''Yeah I get it,''

Brennan grinned, nudging her shoulder.

''C'mon O'Connor, I don't care about ranks, least not on this mission. All I care about is that you can do your job and do it well,'' he told her honestly.

''I'll do my best sir,''

''Sir, huh? So I do have some professionalism left?''

''A little bit,'' Hayley rolled her eyes. ''You sure don't act like a Commander,''

''It's just a title to me. We all fight on the field the same way, I just get to call the shots every now and then. Which reminds me,'' he turned to her, pulling his arms behind him to look firm. ''Training. Now.''

Hayley pulled her hand up to salute the man, a small smirk appearing on her lips.

''Yes sir,''

Brennan chuckled lightly before walking away, giving her a quick point to where she was supposed to heading. Just like that, Hayley was thrown back into her old life, but everything felt so different and off. Even without her brother by her side, which felt weird enough, she still didn't feel right about being here. Maybe she wasn't completely ready for this, but she knew she was one hundred percent ready to try. To help Blake, to help protect the Earth from a crazed god and retrieve a weapon that Steve gave his life to keep hidden. That brought her back to where her mind kept going.

Steve.

* * *

There was no reason for him not to go. This mission involved the Tesseract, a weapon he never thought he'd see again, and it was literally a mission to save the world. Not to mention Hayley was on that mission already. He would be lying to himself if he denied being drawn to it because of her. Steve knew Hayley could take care of herself, she was a trained soldier and field operative, she was more than capable. But he couldn't help worrying.

So he had agreed to go. After returning home from the gym and his conversation with Fury, he had read over the package sent to his apartment and realized that SHIELD had a plan to deal with this. Rounding up a group of people who had special abilities and hoping they could help find the Tesseract, their agents, and defend the world from Loki. How he fit that list of people he had no idea, but Steve wasn't turning down the opportunity to help protect the world. After all, he had done it once before.

With just a small bag, Steve had walked into the back of Coulson's jet and looked around at everything inside. As much as times had progressed and the equipment had changed, sitting in the back of the jet near the parachutes reminded him of being back in the war, specifically the night Peggy and Howard flew him to go find Bucky.

''It won't be too long, these things can go faster than usual,'' Coulson informed him.

''It's fine,'' Steve nodded in return.

''I thought you might want to look over some basic information about your team,'' the man pulled out a clear device, tapping what was now known to be a screen and lighting it up. ''They're...well they've got some interesting stories,''

Steve accepted the device, figuring it would work just like a cell phone. Coulson was surprised he was so comfortable using it, expecting him to possibly have some troubles or questions. But soon enough he was reading over the profile of Natasha Romanoff, a former assassin and first member of the team. Coulson was right, they did have interesting stories and some complex backgrounds.

SHIELD wouldn't have chosen them if they weren't right for the job however, and Steve continued reading, wanting to know who he was going to be meeting. After Natasha, Steve swiped the screen to reveal the profile of Tony Stark. He remembered seeing the surname plastered across the side of a building in New York one day when he was out with Hayley and she had mentioned the name Tony and Iron Man, but Steve hadn't pressed her about it. It was odd reading a profile on Howard's son considering it felt like only a few weeks ago Steve was talking to the man back in 1945, but he had become very familiar with that feeling.

After reading over the suit Tony had made, watching a few of the attached videos of Iron Man and seeing that he was listed as a SHIELD consultant, Steve moved on to Bruce Banner. He almost couldn't believe what he was seeing. The man turned into a huge green monster, a completely unrecognizable being, all because of a lab accident. His anger and pain triggered it and judging from the videos, nothing could stop it or slow it down.

''We're about 40 minutes out from home base sir,''

The pilot's voice barely registered to Steve as his eyes remained locked on the screen but noticed Coulson stepping away from his seat.

''So this Dr. Banner was trying to replicate the serum they used on me?'' Steve asked, still shocked at what he was seeing.

''A lot of people were,'' Coulson confirmed. ''You were the world's first super hero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula,''

So all of this traced back to him, or more specifically Erskine. Steve looked back down at the video silently playing on the screen in his hands.

''Didn't really go his way, did it?'' he spoke quietly.

''Not so much. When he's not that thing though, the guy's like a Stephen Hawking,''

Steve looked up, unfamiliar with the name.

''He's like a...smart person,'' Coulson briefly explained with a shrug.

There was a pause between them then and Steve turned away, looking back at the screen. There was so much he still didn't know about the world and he was only just becoming confident with what he did know and with catching up, but without Hayley he just felt like he was right back where he was after waking up.

''I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you,'' Coulson spoke again, his tone failing to hide his excitement. ''Officially. I sort of met you. I watched you when you were sleeping,''

Steve didn't really know what to say to that.

''I mean I was present...while you were unconscious...from the ice,'' Coulson struggled with his words, following Steve over to stand behind the pilots and look out to where they were headed. ''It's just a real...you know, it's just a huge honor to have you on board,''

Coulson wished he had a handle on his words that day, but being around a living legend that he had admired since he was a young child put a lot more pressure on him than any day he's had on the field.

''Well I hope I'm the man for the job,'' Steve nodded, looking out.

''Oh you are, absolutely,'' Coulson assured. ''We uh, made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input-''

''Uniform?'' Steve asked, genuinely surprised that SHIELD even considered it. ''Aren't the stars and stripes a little...old fashioned?''

''With everything that's happening, all the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned,''

Steve nodded slightly and turned away, his assumptions about this mission changing once again. It was worse than he thought and since he was going to have to work with a group of people he hadn't met, all of which were much more familiar with the world than he was. Steve didn't like being treated like he was stupid or disadvantaged.

''Is this the only team you've got for this?''

''The only team we're hoping to use. But we've got a couple of SHIELD units if we need them,'' Coulson answered, already sensing why he was asking. ''If you're asking for someone in particular-''

''No,'' Steve shook his head, his eyes focused on where the jet was headed still. ''I was just...curious,''

* * *

Hayley looked straight ahead at the target before her, her focus on steadying the tremble in her hand as she lifted the gun once again. Just moments ago she had fired her first gun since the day Blake took her to the ranges, and she had missed, hitting the backboard and not even getting close to the white dot in the middle. Brennan had been supervising her at Coulson's request and on his own accord, worried that maybe the woman he fought beside many times before wasn't actually ready to do this. However Hayley was nothing if not determined and frankly stubborn.

"I've got it," she assured, shaking her head when Brennan offered to move them on to a different exercise. "I'm just a little rusty,"

"There's a first for everything," he chuckled nervously as she lifted the gun again.

The Hayley he remembered didn't have this problem, she was one of their best shooters, in fact she was one of their best everything. But after the day her brother died and under the circumstances it happened, he could see why it was hard for her to get back to it.

_"O'Connor!"_

Hayley blocked the memories threatening to rush through her, gritting her teeth and staring at the target once again. There were other operatives around, she couldn't risk being seen as weak.

_"Nick! Nick keep your eyes open!"_

_"I got shot,"_

_"Nick! Stay with me!"_

Pulling the trigger once again, Hayley kicked at the ground in frustration as the bullet missed once again. It was her hand, it just wouldn't stop shaking. Her grip on the gun was shocking, her knuckles white and veins almost breaking through the skin. She hated herself for not being able to even hit the target let alone the white point in the middle. It was like she was useless. Dropping her arms to her side, Hayley looked up at Brennan who tried desperately to show her he wasn't disappointed.

"It's gonna take some time," he spoke calmly.

"I haven't got time. We can't afford me screwing up out there," she groaned. "Just…let me give it one more shot,"

"I think that's enough for this session. We can try again later. I know you can do it but you're putting way too much pressure on yourself to be like you used to. We all change O'Connor, but you just gotta keep up with yourself,"

Sighing in defeat, Hayley handed the gun back to Brennan before looking down at the pistol in her holster. If she couldn't shoot a bullet at a target on the wall of a training warehouse, how could she possibly help anyone out there on the field?

She knew she was broken, but for a while there she thought she was getting better. Maybe she was beyond the point of being fixed. Hayley wouldn't accept that, she couldn't deal with being inadequate on a mission when there could be no mistakes.

''Wait,'' she called out, stopping Brennan before he walked away. ''I want to try again,''

''O'Connor-''

''Don't look at me like that, I_ hate_ when people look at me like that,'' she shook her head. ''Don't feel sorry for me,''

Brennan frowned and stepped closer to her, gun in his hand ready to pass over to her, but he waited until she looked at him again. It was true this wasn't the same Hayley he used to know, but she was still as stubborn as ever.

''I'm in charge here O'Connor, if I don't think you're ready to do this I won't put you on,''

''But I need to be out there. I can't sit back in the warehouse or in the jet while everyone else is fighting, that's not me and you know it. Blake's out there, the damn Tesseract is out there and I need to help get them back so give me the gun so I can work on this,''

''You're giving your Commander orders,''

''Yes sir, I am,'' Hayley nodded, a cocky smile threatening to spread over her lips.

After a moment, Brennan reached down and checked the gun in his hand was loaded before giving it to Hayley, watching as she gripped it professionally and checked it herself.

''I can't let you train without supervision,'' he warned.

''Honestly, I think I need to do this alone,''

''Coulson doesn't want you pushing yourself,''

''Is Coulson here?'' she asked. ''You are, so you get to make the call. Come on Brennan, I'll be fine. I've been off duty for a few months. It's just like riding a bike, I need to find my balance again,''

Brennan kept his gaze on her for a few more moments while he thought, eventually nodding his head in agreement. Being a Commander of a unit like his, it was hard to remember that he was the one in charge. Everyone followed their orders, everyone watched each other's backs, it was easy to lose focus on what his role was. Brennan trusted everyone in his unit and even though his worries mainly lied with Hayley getting hurt, he knew he could trust her when she said she needed to do this on her own.

''I won't be far though,'' he warned. ''And I'll be checking every few minutes,''

Hayley smiled over to him in appreciation, giving him an nod of understanding.

''That's fine with me,''

''I should hope so,'' Brennan chuckled, stepping away. ''I have to call the shots every now and then around here y'know,''

When he was finally out of the room, Hayley took a deep breath and looked down at the gun in her hands. It was hard to believe a weapon so small could do so much damage, and not just physical. The sound of bullets had always woke her up in the middle of the night whether it was nightmares or just memories of her time in the military, but she had fired them many, many times before.

All she had to do was push past all of this fear and nervousness. She had to get back to the person she used to be, and she was going to do it her own way.

* * *

_*Best Of You - Foo Fighters_


	16. Chapter 16

_There was a time when a moment like this  
Wouldn't ever cross my mind  
The sun will rise with my name on your lips  
'Cause everything will change tonight_

It was almost the afternoon by the time the jet had made it to the helicarrier which was still setting up in the sky. People scrambled around everywhere as they landed and Steve was having a tough time believing what he was seeing. The craft was huge, he had no idea how it was holding up in the middle of the air so steadily and how SHIELD managed to make it all work. This was going to be the headquarters for the mission as Coulson told him, and Steve was sure he was going to end up owing Fury that ten dollars he bet on nothing surprising him.

Coulson was speaking to him as they began walking out of the jet, but Steve could barely process anything other than the sights before him, trying not to seem at all overwhelmed or confused about what everything was. His biggest curiosity happened to be finding out what the helicarrier was, but he wasn't about to ask. When they both set foot on the concrete runway on the carrier, their gaze turned to the red haired woman walking toward them, unfazed by everything going on around them.

''Agent Romanoff,'' Coulson greeted, turning to Steve then. ''This is Captain Rogers,''

''Ma'am,'' Steve smiled.

''Hi,'' she returned, her voice husky and alluring.

Steve watched her and remembered everything he had read on the way here, thinking of how this woman before him was one of SHIELD's best agents. She was different than he had expected. She presented herself so professionally and so casually at once, it was an odd mixture, but then Steve remembered she was also a spy, she knew how to appeal to people.

''They need you one the bridge,'' she told Coulson. ''They're starting the face trace,''

With one quick look back at Steve, Coulson excused himself and made his way to where he was needed, leaving Steve with Natasha Romanoff. The people around them continued their duties, carrying large crates and unloading equipment that Steve hoped they wouldn't have to use. He had already fought one war with the Tesseract, he was hoping it wouldn't go that far this time.

Soon enough Natasha took a step and Steve was following.

''It was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice,'' she began. ''Thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet?''

Steve turned to her with a look of surprise.

''Trading cards?''

''They're vintage, he's very proud,''

It was then that Steve recognized a man standing around nearby, moving to try and get out of the way of everyone else.

''Dr Banner!'' he called out.

Bruce saw him a moment later and walked over, taking the hand Steve had extended out and shaking it politely.

''Oh yeah, hi,'' he greeted. ''They told me you'd be coming,''

''Word is you can find the cube,''

''Is that the uh...only word I mean?''

''Only word I care about,'' Steve assured.

Bruce nodded at his words. He wasn't used to being around people who weren't cautious or afraid and although he appreciated Steve not treating him like a monster, he was sure he would be one of the very few.

''Must be strange for you,'' Bruce began, looking around the landing pad of the helicarrier. ''All of this,''

Steve too looked around, seeing groups of SHIELD soldiers running in sync, everyone in preparation mode. They were getting ready for battle, a possible war.

''Well, this is actually kind of familiar,''

* * *

Although it was still going off slightly to the left, Hayley's aim was getting much better. She had always kept her shooting skills finely tuned, but it had all gotten away from her over the past months. Brennan bad been letting her train alone for almost two hours now, allowing her the time she needed to push through the fear that kept making her body tremble, to stop focusing on the sound of the bullet being shot and the memories attached to it and instead on where it was going. There was still a lot to work on, but Hayley was happy with getting at least one small training exercise complete and having something she could use out on the field again. Even if her hand still continued to shake.

''Is this your first time back in training?''

Hayley's head whipped to the side to see a red haired woman standing by the door, her arms folded as she took a few steps into the room. She had never had a personal meeting with the woman before, but there wasn't one person in SHIELD who didn't know who the agent was. Reputations, rumors and myths spread like wildfire within the organization just like a high school.

''That bad, huh?''

''I wouldn't say that,'' Natasha shook her head. ''After reading your file, I'd say impressive,''

''Coulson suggest you read up on me?''

''I make a point to know who I'll be working with,''

Setting the gun down on the small table off to the side, Hayley stretched her fingers and balled them into a fist before folding her arms as well, turning so she was facing the agent. Natasha could be very intimidating when she needed to be and even with a slight smile on her face, Hayley could see why she was one of SHIELD's best.

''I'm just in defense,'' Hayley shrugged. ''I know Coulson said I might be able to offer some advice on Blake's motives but I honestly don't know what that man did to him, I don't know how it would have changed him,''

Natasha watched her for a moment, her smile slowly fading.

''Barton was one of those agents too,''

''I heard,'' Hayley nodded. ''Wherever they are, I hope they're together. I know they'd have each other's backs,''

''They're under some sort of spell,'' Natasha explained. ''Protecting each other isn't going to be a priority, only being loyal to Loki. I know Barton and how he makes his decisions but I haven't worked as closely with Blake or had a chance to get a read on him. If you know how Blake works maybe we can predict what information he's going to give Loki about SHIELD,''

''I don't know how useful it'll be but I'll tell you anything I can if it gives us a chance at finding them. Have they found anything yet?'' Hayley asked, moving to unload the gun she sat down.

''Nothing we can use. We weren't expecting a visitor from Asgard, can't exactly determine his movements,'' she informed, watching Hayley's hands move expertly over the weapon. ''We're running a face trace on him now, hopefully it'll pull up a location and we can head out,''

''So is SHIELD going to explain why they had the Tesseract in the first place?''

Natasha frowned.

''That's not my concern right now, but something tells me they have their reasons, they always do,''

''I doubt much would justify having an alien weapon in their possession for so long,'' Hayley scoffed. ''But right now I just want to find Blake and the others,''

''Even when we find them, it won't end there,'' Natasha warned.

''I know, but until we do find them, the rest isn't-''

Hayley's words were interrupted when the door to the training room opened, an agent poking their head inside and locking their eyes on the red haired woman.

''They've got a match,'' the agent told her.

Natasha knew exactly what he was talking about and it wasn't hard for Hayley to piece it together either. The face trace had locked.

''Where?'' Natasha asked, already moving toward the door.

''Germany,''

Hayley's feet were moving before she even though about it, following the agent out of the room. If Loki was an indicator to where SHIELD's agents were, there was no way she wasn't following them on this. Blake was out there somewhere and Hayley wasn't letting them bring him back without her.

''O'Connor!'' Brennan's voice came from the joining corridor. ''Hurry up, let's go!''

Natasha didn't look back at Hayley when she heard her footsteps going off to the side, her mind on getting their jet out of there and en route to Germany. But Hayley's mind was on the exact same thing.

''Germany?'' she asked Brennan when they were close enough.

''Leaving now,'' he nodded. ''Gear up on the jet, Fury wants us there first so we can get on the ground and sweep for agents,''

''What about Romanoff's jet?'' Hayley asked, walking at a fast pace to keep up with the officer as they walked down a narrowing hall.

''Coulson's got a team going in the air to strike Loki, but our job is to find the agents,''

''Are we sure they're there?''

''It's our only lead, gotta hope they are. I'll brief everyone when we get going but right now hurry up and get on that jet,''

Hayley's lips quirked up into a smirk, adrenaline finally making an appearance in her as her old 'mission mind', as she called it, kicked in.

''Yes sir,''

* * *

A lot had changed since Steve had heard the words 'Cap, you're up' once Loki's location had been found. Coulson instructed an agent to show him to one of the rooms where his improved Captain America suit was waiting for him. It was surreal to see it again, it took him right back to when he first wore the costume on stage back in the 40's. The colors, the stripes and the helmet were only changed slightly, leaving him with an odd feeling of getting back into a routine he was familiar with decades earlier. Even the shield in his hands held memories that were extremely close to him. Howard Stark had made it for him, Peggy Carter had approved of it, and after all this time it had survived and returned back to him.

The uniform felt tighter than he remembered, but he didn't have time to worry about that just now. Within seconds of him leaving the room, there were agents escorting him down the halls and back out onto the helipad he arrived on earlier. Steve tried his best to memorize the way they had come for later use.

''Ready?'' Natasha asked, her voice coming from one of the two seats at the front of the jet.

No longer in her jacket and red shirt, the agent was dressed in her tactical uniform with weapons strapped around her, a headpiece stretched around her ears and her hands pressing multiple buttons that closed the door right behind Steve.

It was him, Natasha and a co-pilot. No back up agents.

''SHIELD isn't sending others?'' he asked, knowing that if he didn't he wouldn't have a clue what was going on, and he didn't like walking into a mission like that.

''There's another team heading in now but they have their own orders, ours are for Loki,'' she explained simply.

Steve nodded in understanding, walking around the empty jet before he had to hang on as they began approaching a speed that wouldn't be recommended for any other aircraft. If there was a possibility of a war beginning today, Steve was determined to change that.

* * *

Hayley was fumbling with the holster on the back of her leg when she heard one of the others offer to help. They didn't look familiar to her, but she gave them an appreciative smile when they adjusted the strap for her which was just out of her reach.

''Not the easiest thing getting geared up in the back of a shaky jet,'' the woman chuckled.

''It isn't,'' Hayley agreed, flicking a piece of stray hair away from her eyes.

''This is your first mission back, isn't it?''

Frowning at how obvious it must have been, Hayley nodded.

''I thought so, I haven't seen you in training but I saw you talking to Commander Brennan. I'm Harrison, Brianna Harrison,''

''O'Connor,''

''I think I've heard your name before,'' Harrison thought, obviously searching for a reference before giving up. ''Anyway, let me know if you need anything,''

''You might be the first person I've ever worked with who offers help to the shakies,''

''Shakies?''

''When you've been out of it for a while and you come back, usually those people have the shakes,'' Hayley explained, looking down at her hand which was in a fist again and trembling slightly. ''But some people hide it pretty well. I'm not one of them unfortunately,''

They fell into a silence as the trip continued on, but within a few hours of alternating between sitting and standing in different positions, they were getting ready for landing. Brennan shouted out a few more orders to make sure everyone understood what they were doing. So far Hayley's duty was to go with the group outside the building in Stuttgart where there was currently a gala and search for SHIELD agents or any of the other people Loki had under his control, but none of them were to make contact with the God.

Other SHIELD agents were being called in to deal with him, but Hayley still couldn't believe they were going to be near someone so powerful and dangerous. Gods from other planets wasn't exactly a threat she ever thought she would have to face. When the jet hit the ground a few blocks away, everyone grabbed their guns and moved toward the exit of the jet.

Brennan spotted Hayley and gave her a look that silently asked if she was okay and ready for this to which she just nodded and gave him a slight smile, her grip on her gun tightening. Within a few seconds, the mission had begun.

Hayley's eyes were scanning every corner she passed and double checking every sound she heard. If Loki was here, he wouldn't be here alone. Blake, Barton and the others were around here somewhere and they were going to find them. Blake wouldn't give up on her or let anything get in his way if she was in his position and that was one of the things that kept her going, that made her grip her gun tight and focus on the mission instead of her trembling hands.

* * *

It wasn't long until Steve had arrived not far from the gala and the jet had dropped him on the ground to make his way to Loki. Steve had no idea what to expect or what he was getting into, but there were innocent people standing around in the street that also didn't know what was about to happen and he couldn't let them get hurt.

When he made his way over, he could hear the voice of a man booming over a group of people and Steve could make out the gold spark from the God's helmet. There were far too many people around to attack. Steve took a moment to realize just what he was witnessing. This man was from another country, he had stolen a weapon that Steve died to keep away from the world, and now he was ordering innocent people to kneel before him. It was all too familiar.

''Not to men like you,''

Steve's attention was taken by an elderly man in the crowd, rebelling against the mad man's words. It made Steve feel like there were still people in the world willing to stand up against this sort of thing, but it also made him fear for the man.

''There are no men like me,'' Loki smirked, his voice satisfied.

''There are always men like you,''

That done it.

''Look to your elder people, let him be an example,''

Steve watched as Loki raised the scepter, the one with the same blue glow he had been told about, it's powers able to completely take over the mind of anyone. He was going to kill the man. Without thinking twice, Steve dove into the crowd and used the shield in his hand to deflect the blast Loki had shot toward the old man back into the God.

''You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everyone else,'' Steve began, walking toward him while he was down. ''We ending up disagreeing,''

''The soldier,''

* * *

The screams coming from outside were almost deafening, but they all had clear orders to stay away from the area where Loki was and instead focus on getting to the agents. With a few hand signals from Brennan, they had all split up around the building's surroundings in order to find anyone trying to flee. If they were here with Loki they would be wanting to get to him right now and that's when Brennan planned to find them.

When Hayley heard Natasha Romanoff's voice echoing throughout the streets on loudspeaker, she knew SHIELD was here dealing with Loki. However that was the last thing on her mind when she heard bullets beginning to fly nearby.

''Get down!'' she heard one of the soldiers yell.

Hayley didn't waste time ducking, rolling to hide behind one of the metal bins as she heard footsteps running by. It was a SHIELD agent. Brennan had him, running in pursuit, but then Hayley realized where he had come from.

''They're inside,'' she whispered loud enough for the two agents across from her to hear.

''Can't go in there,'' one of them shook their head.

''They're gonna be running up to the roof!" she protested. ''If we don't go in we'll miss them!''

After a moment of consideration, the others agreed and within seconds they were slowly stepping inside of the quiet building. The others had to be in here, it where the first agent had ran from and it made sense for them to be collected on the roof. Loki had more followers than Hayley thought. Turning to the other soldiers, Hayley pointed for them to each take a corner and she made way for the stairs.

It wasn't until she knelt on the ground and aimed her gun up at the stairway that she heard more footsteps and the next thing happened too fast for her to even process. Blake was there, dressed in a black suit and tie with a gun in his hands, his eyes glowing bright blue.

''Blake!'' she called out, beginning to lower her weapon.

That's when he shot toward her, taking off up the stairs. Hayley gasped in shock and the bullet hitting the railing beside her, but she was soon on her feet and right behind him. He wasn't himself, this is what Loki had done to him, but this was her chance to get him back.

''Blake! Drop the gun!'' she aimed toward him, her pace picking up as he didn't stop running.

There was no way she was going to shoot at him no matter what he done, but she wasn't going to stop chasing him.

Outside, the situation with Loki had been handled a lot quicker and easier than Steve imagined. Tony Stark had shown up in his Iron Man suit helping them capture the God, but something didn't seem right to Steve. It was too easy, like he wanted to be caught.

When they escorted him back to the jet that Natasha had expertly landed close by, Steve paused as he watched another SHIELD agent running over.

''They were here,'' the man heaved, trying to catch his breath. ''Whoever that lunatic's got, they were here,''

''Barton?'' Natasha asked quickly.

''I didn't see him, but I saw his goddamn arrows. I saw Murray as well and thought I had him, but they had a getaway car. A few of my team are in the building now searching for others so we're gonna keep an eye on the exi-''

''Sir! Commander Brennan!''

The man stopped talking, listening to the radio device strapped to his belt that they could all hear.

''What's going on in there?'' he replied seriously.

''Sir Agent Blake was inside, O'Connor's in pursuit!''

Steve's ear's pricked at the mention of both names, specifically O'Connor and the word pursuit.

''Hayley's in there?'' he asked, looking at the man.

''Blake's hostile sir!''

Natasha wasn't surprised when she looked up and saw Steve running to the building, his pace not faltering.

All that was on his mind was Hayley being inside chasing after Blake who wasn't himself. He could hear gunshots inside and although he knew Hayley was trained for this and could handle these sort of situations, he had to get in there.

The building wasn't very high and Hayley soon found herself on the roof, but Blake had already ran to the other side and jumped inside a helicopter that took off immediately. That's when she began firing because she knew there was no way she could hurt Blake from this distance, but she wanted to try and take some of her anger out at the fact she had failed him.

He was right there in front of her and he wasn't the man she knew, he was shooting at her with no emotion on his face. But she still tried to save him, and in the end she wasn't enough.

''Hayley!''

Turning quickly and lifting her gun immediately at the voice behind her, Hayley was shocked to see the person staring back at her. Her chest was heaving, panic and fear running through her body as her arms began to drop down.

''Steve?''


	17. Chapter 17

_I never knew_  
_I never knew that everything was falling through_  
_That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue_  
_To turn and run when all I needed was the truth_  
_But that's how it's got to be_

* * *

Steve? What was Steve doing here? Was that really him? Why was he wearing a tight red and blue suit? Where did he get that shield? There were a million questions going g through Hayley's mind right now.

_He looks just like the Captain America in the comic books._

"Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Steve asked, his eyes instantly analyzing her from head to toe.

Hayley looked down at her body too as if she couldn't remember if anything had hit her or if she was in any way injured. Too much had happened in just a few short seconds. She had followed Blake up to the roof hoping to get through to him by just shouting out, but Loki's mind control was stronger than she ever thought. As soon as he jumped into the helicopter, she barely seen it vanish into the dark sky before Steve's voice crept up on her.

Slowly, she lowered her hands and slipped her gun into her holster again.

"I-I'm fine," she finally spoke, her eyes moving back to lock on his. "What are you doing here?"

"SHIELD brought me in," he sighed, relieved she was okay. "Come on, there's no time, we have to get back, they need to leave,"

Hayley cautiously took a step forward, feeling his hand on her back guiding her over to the entrance to the stairs.

"How long?" she asked. "How long have you been here?"

"I got to the helicarrier this morning. I thought they would have told you they asked me," he explained in a tone that was almost apologetic. "I can't believe _this_ is the mission you left for,"

"He's got Blake," she argued, knowing he would understand that was enough justification.

"I know, we'll get him back," Steve assured, hurrying them down the stairs.

"I almost had him," Hayley shook her head. "If I was just faster-"

"Loki's got them under mind control, there's no knowing what would have happened,"

Steve looked down at her again as they made their way to the ground floor of the building, noticing just how different she looked in her tactical gear. All dressed in back, guns attached and hair pulled back from her face, Hayley looked quite different to the woman he had gotten used to over the past few months. However he had to admit he himself looked a lot different to the man she was familiar with too.

"O'Connor!" Brennan shouted, seeing her from his position near the jet.

Hayley looked up at Steve, wondering what was going on now. She had only just found out he was here and it seemed they were splitting up again. There was barely enough time to process things as they happened, they had to keep moving and get away from this place.

"I have to escort Loki back," he told her.

"I have to go with my team," she nodded.

"I'll talk to you when I get back and explain everything,"

"Be careful," she urged, knowing that an insane God wasn't the best flight company.

"Get back safely,"

The way Steve looked at her when he said those words made Hayley see just how much he worried. After everything they had both just seen and experienced, he couldn't help wishing she was on the same jet as he was. Although the main target was on his jet, Steve would feel much better if Hayley was safely beside him.

* * *

''You'll need to go into debriefing when we get back,'' Brennan explained, leaning against the back wall of the jet beside where Hayley stood, looking over his team.

''Yes sir,'' she nodded.

Brennan could see that Hayley was upset about what had happened, her hands balling into fists and flexing back out again as if it was a calming remedy. She just wished she could have been faster and made it to Blake before he got to that helicopter, that she had a chance to get through to him. Not knowing what to expect from a demi God from another world was one thing, but not knowing what to expect from someone she considered family was something she hadn't prepared herself for. She had read the files and understood that whatever was in Loki's scepter was powerful and could do many unknown things to those it took over, but it never really struck her until Blake was aiming a gun toward her.

''Hey,'' Brennan reached over, his hand resting on her shoulder. ''How are you holding up?''

''I'm fine,'' she nodded with a smile, feeling the need to show him. ''Just didn't think my first mission back with SHIELD would have me chasing after Blake,''

''I know, none of us thought we'd have to fight against the same team either. We'll get them back though, we'll find them. Fury's got a separate team working on that but...well with a priority like the Tesseract and bringing in a God for containment-''

''Resources are pretty tight,'' Hayley finished with an understanding nod. ''I get it, I just don't like it,''

Brennan sighed, rubbing his temples with one hand.

''I don't like it either but this is what we have to deal with,''

There was a brief silence between them as the jet rocked slightly, settling back into a smooth journey. There were many things still running through Hayley's mind about what had just happened back there, and one of them was that she still couldn't seem to grasp how Steve was here and had been a part of this mission for who knows how long.

''Did you know Captain Rogers was on this mission?'' she asked Brennan, avoiding the use of Steve's first name.

''I knew SHIELD had a team coming in,''

''But did you know who was on it?''

''I can't tell you that O'Connor,'' he shook his head. ''Confidentiality and all,''

Hayley just turned away from him, wondering how long SHIELD had planned to bring him in. Was her assignment to help Steve adjust really just to keep him preoccupied and aware enough for SHIELD to call him in when they needed? Granted, Steve was obviously willing to join, but Hayley couldn't help wondering if he would have made the same decision if she wasn't already gone.

When Hayley glanced over to her side where Brennan was, she saw that he was gone and his spot was now replaced with Harrison, the woman she had met earlier on. There was a polite smile on her lips and as much as Hayley appreciated the woman's earlier assistance, she wasn't in the mood for a conversation.

''Not the best first mission to return to,'' Harrison began. ''Are you okay?''

''Yeah, just like old times,'' Hayley folded her arms.

''I was going to come in and follow you up after Blake but I didn't get the chance. I saw Brennan talking to Agent Romanoff and the next thing I know Captain Rogers is in there going after you,''

''It wouldn't have been any use anyway, I couldn't get close enough to even grab him,''

''We'll find them. They might be agents but Loki's demands are going to make them slip up,'' the woman assured with a confident tone.

''We can only hope,''

* * *

Once again, even more had changed since Steve's last orders, but he figured that was going to be a constant occurrence on this mission. But his mind soon shifted from all of that when he saw Hayley again.

Steve spotted her walking down the corridor with her back to him, the dark tint of her hair hanging over her shoulders in a mess that suggested she just took it out of it's routine ponytail. He didn't know if he would ever get used to seeing her dressed in her tactical gear, but it was a good look on her. When he got close enough, he called out to her with a voice just loud enough she would hear it. As soon as she turned and he saw her face, he immediately recognized the look on her face; relief. After the day he had and the meeting with his team he had just experienced, seeing her made him feel a whole lot better.

Hayley thought the exact same thing. As soon as she heard his voice she felt her worries for him melt away.

"You're back," she noted, taking a few steps to end their distance. "I came to find you before my debriefing but none of you were back,"

"We ended up running into Loki's brother and bringing him in too," Steve explained, unsure if he was allowed to tell but doing so anyway. "I can't believe any of this is happening,"

"I know. First Blake gets basically brainwashed by someone who turns out to be a God and then I find out you're on this mission too while I'm out on the field," Hayley folded her arms.

"You're insane for choosing_ this_ mission to go back in with,"

"Blake's my family," she argued. "There's no way I would have given up fighting for him,"

"I know, that's not what I meant," Steve immediately backtracked. "It's just I worried about you while thinking this was a normal, average mission, but it's so far from that,"

Hayley half smiled up at him.

"You don't need to worry about me,"

"I thought we made a deal not to lie about those things," he reminded.

"And I thought you didn't believe I meant any of it," she pointed out in return.

Steve paused as he remembered back to the day Hayley left on the mission. He wasn't very understanding at all and took her decision and inability to tell him what was going on personally. But it was all so much more complicated than he ever thought. Just before Steve could get a word out, he heard footsteps coming from behind him and paused. There was no privacy in any SHIELD craft or facility. Hayley took a few steps and looked through the small window of an empty storage room before gesturing for them to go inside.

When it was finally just the two of them, Steve turned back to Hayley and let out a heavy sigh.

"Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't know Blake was in trouble and I was so worried about you going back out-"

"Hey, let's not do that," Hayley shook her head, leaning back against the wall. "I think after everything we've seen and learnt in the past few hours we can agree we both didn't handle it very well and for good reasons, let's just leave it at that,"

Steve's lips turned into an appreciative grin.

"I don't know how you're doing this,"

"Doing what " Hayley asked, puzzled.

"This mission, chasing after Blake, not freaking out,"

"Oh I'm freaking out," she assured. "But I have to focus to get him back. I call it my mission mind, but my regular Hayley mind is definitely in overdrive. I don't know how _you're_ doing this though. This whole mission is about getting the Tesseract back, the object you died for,"

Steve nodded, the idea of waking up to the same threat having already gone through his mind multiple times.

''Well, I kept it from the world once, and this time there's a whole organization going after it too,'' he explained, trying to look on the positive side.

''I just want this over as soon as possible,''

''So do I, but I don't think that's gonna happen,''

Steve thought about filling her in on what they'd discovered during their brief meeting only moments ago, but he didn't like the idea of overwhelming her with the thought of an alien army invading them under Loki's control. He wanted the Tesseract found and all of this deal with before that could even happen, but chances were slim.

''I can't believe Blake's out there doing anything Loki's told him to,'' Hayley shook her head in disbelief. ''I know he's an agent and he's skilled but...I don't want to lose him. I can't lose another brother,''

Steve stepped closer to her, reaching up to put his hands on her shoulders.

''Hey, we'll find him. I'll make sure you don't lose him, I promise,''

Then Hayley took him by surprise and took the smallest of steps forward to wrap her arms around him, her head leaning on his chest. It only took a brief moment for Steve to respond, his arms snaking around her back and holding her protectively against him.

''I don't want to lose you either,'' she admit, her voice just above a whisper.

'You won't,'' he told her, his tone confident.

They stayed like that once the words were said, just holding each other in silence. It was chaos outside the storage room, but inside with just the two of them, it was calm. Even with Blake still out there and Loki's plans still in the works, just having each other there made it all stop for a while.

''Hayley, I know it's your job,'' Steve began when he pulled away just enough to look at her. ''But I don't want anything happening to you,''

''Neither of us want each other to get hurt, but it's both of our jobs,'' she sighed, leaning back, her hands still on Steve's side.

''We certainly chose the wrong business to work together in,''

Hayley smiled slightly before looking over Steve, realizing she hadn't brought something up yet.

''This might be a bad time and all...but what's with the uniform?''

* * *

When Steve made his way back down the corridor after he and Hayley parted ways, he was met with a questioning look from Tony Stark who was standing a few doors down at the lab he was now sharing with Bruce. Steve didn't like the idea of working on this mission with the man and now he had to tolerate him on board the helicarrier too. It was hard to imagine this man being Howard Stark's son considering how different they seemed, or at least from how Steve remembered him.

''Really? On board and in the middle of a mission?'' Tony shook his head, clearly seeing Steve and Hayley leaving the room together. ''I honestly didn't think you were into that-''

''Stark, focus on the mission,'' Steve warned.

''_Me_ focus on the mission? I think out of the two of us I've been the most focused on this in the last twenty minutes, don't you think? So what's the deal with you two? Didn't think you'd be so eager for dating-''

''That's enough Stark,'' Steve snapped.

''Just curious, she's in a SHIELD uniform so that could mean...oh right, makes sense now. She's the one you ran after in that building,'' Tony continued. ''How romantic,''

Steve glared at the man, anger clear through his expression. He didn't have time to be offended by anything Tony was saying but he couldn't help caring. If that's what it looked like to him maybe that's what everyone thought. It was silly to fixate on anything Tony Stark said to him, especially when it was so obviously said with the intent to annoy him.

''Just do your job,'' Steve huffed, walking away before Tony could get out another comment.

It was one thing to assume things about him, he could handle that, but he didn't like Tony thinking of Hayley like that. She was fighting this battle just as much as they were and he wasn't going to let Tony see her as anything less.

The longer he could work away from the man, the better.

* * *

Steve and Hayley had agreed to meet up later after they gathered as much information from their teams as they could. Hayley's main goal, along with getting the Tesseract, was finding Blake and that meant she needed to know what SHIELD knew. Brennan had said it himself that there was a team working on it, but they didn't have enough time to focus on it. So right now, finding the Tesseract would bring them to Blake. That gave Hayley a significant boost in motivation. That, and the fact that the same object was the reason for Steve going though everything he has.

''O'Connor,''

Hayley turned to the voice calling out to her, seeing Brennan walking over.

''Sir,'' she nodded.

''Where'd you get to after debrief?''

''I was just thanking Captain Rogers,'' she explained coolly. ''For coming in after me,''

''Right, well we haven't got any further orders at the moment. You can head into training if you'd like, I'll be busy supervising some tac teams out doing some surveillance,'' he explained. ''Oh and Agent Coulson asked you to go see him when you have the chance,''

''Yes sir,''

Hayley had no idea what Coulson wanted from her, but since Brennan was busy, maybe the agent could give her some information. She might not have been apart of the super team SHIELD had put together or was working up near the bridge where everyone else was, but she was just as determined to end all of this now.

It took a few minutes to get back to the corridor she was in earlier and figure out the way to the bridge, but she found her steps slowing when she became closer to a lab that contained a voice she found very familiar. It was Steve, and he was far from happy.

''Is everything a joke to you?'' Steve angrily asked Tony who had just prodded Bruce with something sharp.

The man was like a child, always pushing his boundaries and managing to annoy Steve more than anything.

''Funny things are,'' Tony shrugged.

''Threatening the safety of everyone on this ship isn't funny. No offence, doctor,''

''Not that's alright,'' Bruce smiled. ''I wouldn't have come on board if I couldn't handle pointy things,''

They argued for a little while longer before Steve shifted the topic to the problem at hand. Hayley moved closer to the door of the lab and listened in.

''Why'd Fury call us in? Why now, why not before?'' Tony pointed out. ''What isn't he telling us? I can't do the equation unless I have all the variables,''

''You think Fury's hiding something?'' Steve asked, his voice much calmer now.

''He's a spy. Captain he's_ the_ spy. His secrets have secrets,'' Tony shrugged. ''It's buggin' him too,''

As Tony pointed toward Bruce and Steve shifted his focus onto the doctor, Bruce just let out a nervous 'um' in response. Bruce had been the quietest of them all when it came to what was going on, opting to spend more time on the science and tracking of the Teseract rather that SHIELD's motives, but Tony knew he felt the same.

''I-I just want to finish my work here and...'' Bruce shook his head.

''Doctor,'' Steve encouraged.

And with that, Bruce figured he'd voice his concerns.

''A warm light for all mankind,'' Bruce began, referring to Loki's earlier speech when he was brought in. ''Loki's jab at Fury about the cube,''

''I heard it,'' Steve nodded.

''Well I think that was meant for you,'' Bruce pointed to Tony. ''Even if Barton didn't tell Loki about the Tower, it's still all over the news,''

''The Stark Tower?'' Steve asked. ''That big ugly...building in New York,''

Tony glared at the man before Bruce continued.

''It's powered by an arc reactor, a self-sustaining energy source. That thing will run itself for what, a year?''

''That's just a prototype,'' Tony shrugged. ''It's kinda the only name in clean energy, is what he's getting at,''

''So why bring him in on the Tesseract? What is SHIELD doing in the energy business in the first place,'' Bruce explained.

''I should probably look into that once my decryption program finishes breaking into all of SHIELD's secure files,''

That's when Steve really became annoyed at the man.

''I'm sorry, did you just-''

''JARVIS has been running it since I hit he bridge. In a few hours I'll know every dirty secret SHIELD has tried to hide,''

''And yet you're confused about why they didn't want you around?'' Steve shook his head.

''A intelligence organization who fears intelligence? Historically, not awesome,''

''I think Fury's trying to wind us up. This is a man who means to start a war and if we don't stay focused he'll succeed,'' Steve reminded. ''We have orders, we should follow them,''

''Following's not really my style,''

''And you're all about style aren't you?''

''Of the people in this room who is A, wearing a spangly outfit and B, not of use?''

Hayley wasn't a fan on Tony Stark either, especially not now. But she didn't barge in and insult him in return, glare at him for saying that to Steve. She stayed where she was, getting as much information as she could.

''Steve,'' Bruce spoke up. ''You don't think this smells a little funky to you?''

Steve considered it, but he would never admit to it until he knew for himself, until he had evidence of what they were doing with the Tesseract.

''Just find the cube,''

With the sound of approaching footsteps, Hayley stepped away until she noticed it was in fact Steve. He was about the walk the opposite way down the hall before he stopped and thought for a moment, immediately changing his course and turning to see Hayley standing outside the lab behind him.

''What are you doing?'' he asked quietly.

''I could ask you the same thing,''


	18. Chapter 18

_"One thing, before I graduate_

_Never let your fear decide your fate."_

* * *

Even without overhearing the conversation in the lab, it wasn't hard to see that Steve Rogers was extremely angry. The way his eyes were narrowed, the way his jaw was clenched and just the way he was walking gave off all of the typical symptoms of frustration. Hayley had witnessed Steve's anger once before on the day he found out she was leaving for this mission, but it had only taken Tony Stark less than a day to get the same reaction.

''He really gets to you doesn't he?'' Hayley frowned.

Steve sighed, dropping his gaze.

''You heard,''

''It was kind of hard not to,'' she folded her arms.

''I don't know why they brought that man on, he's just so...he's so arrogant and disrespectful!'' Steve groaned.

''No arguments from me on that one, but he's got a point on Fury's secrets,'' Hayley explained. ''I mean, Banner makes sense. Why else would they bring in an energy expert if they didn't have plans they aren't telling us?''

''It doesn't make sense for them not to tell us,'' Steve shook his head. ''We're meant to be protecting everyone out there, we're meant to be a team,''

''SHIELD is always secretive and sometimes it's not for the greater good,'' Hayley admit. ''You believe they're hiding something too,''

Steve put his hands on his hips, unable to deny what Hayley could clearly see.

''I won't believe anything until I see for myself,''

"How are you going to do that?" she asked, closing in on why he turned around. "You're going looking for something?"

"No," he shook his head.

"Steve," Hayley stared at him. "You look like you're about to explode, there's no way you're just leaving this alone,"

Steve looked at her and knew he couldn't lie and say it was nothing. The truth was Tony was right, everything was adding up and he had honestly had his own suspicions on the whole mission. Bruce had a good point bringing up Tony's involvement since when Steve read the files, Tony had been listed as a consultant, not an active team member. Whatever it was that SHIELD was hiding required Tony's expertise and that didn't match up with what their job was which was to simply retrieve the Tesseract.

"Okay, maybe I do think they're covering something up. SHIELD aren't exactly open about their plans," he admit. "I want to know why they had it in the first place. What would they be doing with it?"

Hayley could see how worked up Steve was becoming just talking about the idea of SHIELD being deceitful.

"What are you going to do?"

Steve shook his head, hands still on his hips.

"I don't know, but I don't agree with hacking into their systems,"

"It's a good way to get information though," Hayley shrugged. "And at this point I'm starting to wonder if ethics really matter right now,"

"We're supposed to be finding the Tesseract, not searching through their systems,"

"I get that, but Stark has a point on Fury's secrets. What are they going to do with the Tesseract when they get it back?" she argued. "I want to trust SHIELD right now too but it's a little hard when everything's adding up to them hiding something bigger from everyone,"

Steve kept his eyes on Hayley and remained silent, his breathing coming out heavier now. He wasn't sure what part of this whole thing he was most angry about, but he did know that the uneasy feeling he had was more than just paranoia. SHIELD had plans for the Tesseract and they were using the team to get the weapon back for their own purpose and Steve needed to know what it was.

"I have to go see Coulson," she sighed, pulling him from his thoughts. "Let me know if I can help, I'm feeling pretty useless down in defense at the moment,"

"Did you find out how the tracking's going on the agents?"

Hayley shook her head with an annoyed sigh.

"They're not going to tell me anything. As far as I can tell, we find the Tesseract and we find them as well. At least I'm hoping,"

Steve nodded in agreement as he watched, noticing the look on her face that lead his eyes to her hands which, as he expected, were balling into fists.

"Are you okay?" he asked gently.

"Yeah I'm fine," she nodded, giving him a smile even he knew was forced.

Everything about this mission worried her and every time she thought about Blake being out there while she was here doing nothing about it made her angry at herself. Nothing was progressing the way she wanted it to and it seemed like maybe this could go on for longer than any of them expected. Not to mention everything felt different without her brother here this time.

"I better go find Coulson. I'll see you later, okay?" she looked toward Steve as she stepped away, walking backwards as if she didn't want to part again. "Don't do anything crazy without me,"

At that, Steve let out a slight chuckle as he watched her walk down the corridor and eventually out of his sight. He had spoken to her for a few minutes and yet she had managed to calm him down significantly without even knowing it. It was becoming much more noticeable to him now as to the effect that woman had on him. She was the only person on this helicarrier and in his life that made him feel like he wasn't out of place.

However when she walked away and he heard Tony's voice again, he couldn't help his mind going back to whatever SHIELD was hiding. Maybe be didn't think hacking into the system was a good idea, but as he had pointed out, there were other ways to find answers.

Hayley had found Coulson in the room where Steve's team had met earlier, his arms folded as he watched footage of Natasha Romanoff speaking with Loki in the holding cell. However he didn't look bothered. Coulson always seemed rather calm even though he had a million things going through his mind. He was a good leader that way.

''Coulson,'' she spoke up when she walked in. ''Brennan said you wanted to see me,''

''I need your opinion on Blake,'' he told her, his focus not leaving the screen. ''What you think he might do or what he'd be prepared to do,''

''Like I said, I don't know how helpful I'm gonna be with that. You know how Blake works on the field better than I do, you're an agent too, I'm just defense,'' she explained.

''For now,'' he slightly grinned, turning to her. ''I know how Blake works but I don't know him like you do. If we want to find him and the others we need some way of drawing them out or at least predicting what they might do individually,''

''What do you mean? Their entire mindset has been changed,''

''Their loyalty and motivation has been changed, but they're still the same agents. We knew Loki would use Barton in combat because of his skillset and in Stuttgart we seen that. The other agents are the same. A majority of the SHIELD personnell taken work within the labs so we know he's got them working on the Tesseract or something in relation to it. We have an idea of what Blake's moves would be, but I figured you'd want to be involved in this,''

''Yeah I do,'' she nodded immediately. ''I want to be part of the team searching for them,''

''We're running face traces and searching every security camera in every city hoping to find them,''

Hayley nodded her head but there was no sign of relief on her face.

''You've found nothing,''

''Wherever they're hiding, they've worked it out well,''

''That's Blake,'' she told him, watching as Coulson turned to her with interest. ''He's more tactical, I think Loki's using him that way. Blake can scope out any situation, he's a thinker and a planner. They'll be all hiding out wherever he's told them to,''

''Do you think you could find where that is?''

''If I can see what the search team's got so far, I could work on it,'' she nodded.

Coulson smiled and gave her a nod. It was nice seeing her being active in the field again, he could see how committed she was to the mission. It could have been only because Blake was out there in danger, but Coulson had worked with Hayley before and he knew that doing this sort of work was what she thrived on. Thinking tactically, challenging herself and helping people.

That's why he had been pushing for her to become an agent so that she would get more opportunities to plan out and be apart of missions instead of just being in defense. Hayley had almost entered the process too until she lost her brother, but Coulson was thinking that this mission might be the final stage of convincing her.

''What's agent Romanoff doing in there?'' Hayley asked, her eyes locking on the screen.

''What she does best,'' Coulson leaned back on the table. ''Getting answers,''

If Steve was angry before, then there had to be a whole new word for whatever he was feeling now. After searching storage bays on the helicarrier in search of anything relating to the Tesseract, Steve had found that SHIELD was planning on using the object to make weapons that would endanger everyone in the world. Steve crashed that plane in 1945 for a reason, to keep the world from ever being subject to the blue cube, and SHIELD was going against all of that.

What made it worse was that SHIELD had those weapons on board the helicarrier, hidden so that no one would even know what they were going to do with them. Steve grabbed one of the large guns that could have been any type of energy fuelled weapon and headed back to the lab where Fury was currently expressing his anger over Tony hacking SHIELD's systems.

''What is Phase 2?'' Tony asked, looking at the screen of information he had managed to get ahold of, ignoring Fury's anger.

That's when Steve made it back into the room.

''Phase 2 is SHIELD using the cube to make weapons,'' he announced loudly, his frustration definitely obvious. ''Sorry, computer was moving a little slow for me,''

Fury then puts his hands up, walking over to explain himself.

''We've gathered everything that we can about the Tesseract, this does not mean-''

''I'm sorry Nick, what were you lying?''

Steve saw the screen that Tony turned around to show the proof and it only made him angrier. With his hands on his hips and his jaw tightly closed, everyone in the room could see how Steve disagreed with this entirely.

''I was wrong Director, the world hasn't changed at all,'' he shook his head.

That's when Natasha and Thor entered the room, all expecting the raging argument that was bound to erupt any moment, and Steve fully intended to have his opinion heard. He was tired of defending SHIELD and following their orders when their plans were so reckless. Steve had given them a chance and it had backfired, and the consequences were just beginning.

* * *

Coulson had taken Hayley to the team in charge of tracking the SHIELD agents and, just as he had warned, they didn't have much information that would help. A few tips of suspicious behaviour, but nothing that gave them any advantage.

''You think they're in the city?'' Hayley asked, noticing a lot of cameras in the area of New York.

''We don't know, but since that's where we're closest too it would make sense for Loki's followers to be drawn to wherever he is. Whatever's in that scepter is connected to the Tesseract,''

''So that means if they've got the Tesseract, the scepter will lead them straight to us here?''

''Not exactly, that's why we've got Dr Banner scanning for gamma signals. We don't know what it's going to do or how it's connected,''

Hayley turned back to the screens with a huff, realizing what Brennan told her was true. SHIELD's focus was the Tesseract. But it was all connected, so at least that gave her a sense of progress.

''So until they slip up and we get a match or a hit on something, we're stuck?''

''I'm afraid so,'' Coulson sighed. ''You've been worried we're not telling you anything but as you can see there hasn't been much to tell,''

''I just want to know where he is,'' she admit. ''Where they all are, what they're being made to do,''

''Well hopefully we can-''

Hayley felt her body hit the ground hard, her elbow smacking against the solid flooring. Coulson was still standing, a look of alert on his face as he held a device to his ear, listening in on what was going on. Something, or someone, had just attacked the helicarrier. There was no doubt in Hayley's mind that they had just felt an explosion. The blaring lights and sirens going off all around the place was just a confirmation.

Coulson extended his arm to Hayley, helping her up and over to the door.

''Are you alright?'' he asked, his eyes scanning their exit before pushing it open.

''I'm fine,'' she answered honestly. ''What the hell was that?''

They rushed out of the room and were met with chaos. Everyone was rapidly pressing buttons on their computers and Maria Hill was pacing around yelling orders and looking on high alert just like Coulson.

''External detonation,'' Hill called out. ''Number 3 engine is down!''

Hayley scanned around the room at everyone running around, wondering where she was supposed to go. Defense was a long walk from where she was and if everyone in the helicarrier was as frantic as those here in the control area, it would be madness getting back there. When she turned to look at Coulson, he was already gone, heading downstairs to the detention area.

''O'Connor!''

It wasn't Brennan's voice calling her, but Hayley recognized it as someone from her defense team. He was standing not too far down the corridor which was clouded with dust, two guns in his hand, one ready to pass on to her.

''What's going on?'' she asked, eyes narrow and serious.

''Hostile's boarded us,'' the man informed. ''Loki's group,''

''Blake?'' she asked immediately.

''No sign of him yet, but Barton's around here somewhere,''

Then the man ran off, signalling for Hayley to follow behind. She done a quick check of the gear she was wearing and then ran off as well, wishing she had been more prepared.

* * *

It had been difficult at first to determine who were the bad guys on board considering they dressed almost exactly the same as all the other agents, but once they had began shooting toward her, Hayley quickly learned who she was going to be fighting against. She had ran down numerous corridors chasing hostiles, shooting right back at them. These people were under Loki's control, they were good people being forced to do bad things and she didn't want to hurt them, but she didn't have choice.

Everyone was running all over the place, all armed with guns to defend themselves, but Hayley was heading in the opposite direction. She had turned on the receiver strapped to her belt on the side, trying to listen in on what was happening on other level. They received word that Coulson was locking down the detention area and armory, so for now their main focus was controlling the hostiles that were still on board with semi-automatic weapons, firing at anyone coming their way. Hayley wanted to know where Blake was, she needed to find him and stop him from leaving. She wasn't sure how the process of getting the real Blake back was going to work, but as long as she kept him on the helicarrier it was possible.

Steve was also running through her mind. She hadn't seen him on her travels around the helicarrier, hadn't even heard anyone yelling orders that involved him or his whereabouts. This was Captain America, he was more than capable of taking on these agents, but that didn't stop Hayley worrying over him.

''O'Connor, you take that corner!''

Hayley had been following the same man who alerted her to what was going on, covering each other as they moved and assisted their teammates. But they both had the same idea and that was to spread out. Hayley nodded to him in agreement and held her gun up, expertly scanning every possible angle. She had no idea how many people she was up against, but she had to be prepared for anything.

That's when she saw a figure standing down the end of the corridor she was taking. Their back was turned, but given the clothing she could assume it was a man. He was wearing a black suit much like any agent on duty, but something about the way he was standing there almost in a trance let her know that his loyalty at the moment wasn't with SHIELD.

''Hands up!'' she called out when she got close enough.

There was no movement from the man other than his head lifting slightly. Hayley could see that he was unarmed, but that didn't mean he wasn't dangerous. These were trained SHIELD agents, they always had a way to fight even without a weapon. Taking a few steps closer, Hayley repeated her demand. She lifted her gun to the man as she closed in, her grip tightening in fear that he would do something that would make her pull the trigger.

Slowly, the man began to turn around the closer Hayley walked. It was clear that everyone who had boarded the helicarrier under Loki's control each had a mission, but this man didn't seem to be doing anything down here. He was just waiting to be found, and when he turned and Hayley saw who he was, she realized why.

It was Blake. Loki's team had sent him exactly where she was headed, making sure she found him. It was obviously a distraction, they knew Blake and Hayley had a connection of some sort, but right now she didn't care what their scheme was. Blake was standing right there in front of her and she wasn't going to let him escape.

''Blake,'' she gasped, her eyes widening.

His eyes were glowing blue, his face expressionless and cold. It wasn't the Blake she knew, but he was still in there somewhere. Hayley didn't know how to snap him out of whatever influence he was under, but she was intent on not letting him out of her sight.

''It's me, it's Hayley,'' she spoke, her voice soft and calm. ''Blake?''

This time he responded, but it wasn't with words. It was in the form of a fist hitting against her face. Blake's training regime was much like Hayley's and his strength knocked her to the side, clinging to the wall. When she looked over to him again, he didn't look angry, he still had that blank look on his face.

''Blake, it's me!'' she yelled, desperately trying to get through to him.

When he took another step closer to her, Hayley knew it was no use attempting to talk to him. His mind wasn't there, he only had Loki's orders on his mind and right now those orders were to not let SHIELD or anyone else get in their way. Hayley still had the gun in her hands, but she couldn't shoot at him. Not even at his foot or his arm, she just couldn't do it. He was like her brother, she didn't want to hurt him.

But when he threw another punch at her, this time knocking her body to the floor, Hayley knew she had to hit back in order to keep him on board. Steadying herself and ignoring the pain in her jaw, Hayley stood up and dodged another one of his attacks, elbowing him forcefully in his stomach. Blake groaned in pain, his hand clutching his side as he knelt down on his knee. Hayley took that opportunity to hit him across the face just as he did to her, watching as he fell onto his back.

It wasn't the nicest feeling to fight and hurt someone she cared about so much, but she was hoping that if he became weak enough or unconscious, she would have time to put him in containment. But Blake was back on his feet in no time, grabbing Hayley by her throat and pushing her right back into the wall. Hayley clawed at his hands, gasping for breath before pulling her knee up and kicking him as hard as she could in an area she knew would hurt.

Blake fell down again, but he took Hayley with him. Then it was a few minutes of wrestling on the hard floor, throwing punches constantly and groaning in pain. Hayley's nose began trickling with blood at one of Blake's punches, holding his down as best she could. She made the choice to grab Blake's hair and pull his hand up, throwing him back down on the ground and watching as he ceased moving, his arms falling to his side.

Hayley took a few moments to check he was okay before moving to sit beside him, gasping for air. With blood dripping down from her nose over her lips and her head spinning from a very possible concussion, Hayley closed her eyes and fell onto her back, arms sprawled out as she tried to focus on pulling herself back up. She could faintly hear gunshots down the other corridors and the feeling of cool air coming in from where the explosion had hit.

Turning her head to look over at Blake, Hayley heard her receiver pick up Fury's voice that would be broadcast to all agents and teams.

''Agent Coulson is down,''


	19. Chapter 19

_Love of mine, some day you will die_  
_But I'll be close behind_  
_I'll follow you into the dark_  
_No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white_  
_Just our hands clasped so tight_  
_Waiting for the hint of a spark_

* * *

_"…they called it,"_

Hayley's heart sunk at Fury's words. Just moments earlier she heard that Coulson was down and now he was gone. It happened that fast. Still lying on her back, Hayley took a deep breath and closed her eyes as tears began to well up, her chest feeling tight. Another person she cared about was gone and she was only with him less than an hour ago. It felt wrong thinking that Coulson wasn't on the upper level sorting out this mess with Fury. It felt wrong just repeating the words over in her head._ Coulson's down._ They were words she never thought she would hear.

Hayley wished she could get to the upper level and find out what happened and who was responsible, but she had a good idea of who was to blame. Loki wasn't just making threats anymore, he had taken the life of someone that everyone in SHIELD cared for and this was no longer about finding answers. This was a war.

Turning to glance over at an unconscious Blake, Hayley wiped her eyes of a few tears and began to push herself up off the floor. She was going to have to tell Blake what happened and he already had so much to deal with. Hayley didn't know what he was going to be like when he woke, but she knew she was going to stick with him through all of it.

When she heard multiple footsteps coming her way, Hayley gripped her gun again, moving to shield Blake's body and preparing for another confrontation with Loki's brainwashed agents. Her head was still spinning from her altercation with Blake and when she saw that the people approaching were in fact SHIELD, she let out a long sigh of relief.

"Agent Blake?" The woman asked, her eyebrows knitted together in concern.

"He's out," Hayley nodded. "You need to…to take him to containment before he wakes up,"

The woman relayed Hayley's message to another team letting them know Blake was being taken in as a man walked over to his body, Hayley soon realizing he was a medic. He checked Blake's vitals and gave a nod to the woman as if confirming Hayley's words that he was out.

"You need to be taken to the medical bay," the woman frowned.

"Me? No, I'm fine," Hayley shook her head. "I've got more important things to worry about,"

''You may have a concussion,''

''Just take Agent Blake to containment, he's the one with the concussion,''

The woman looked between Hayley and the other man.

''That's your decision,'' the woman sighed. ''But I wouldn't stay here for long,''

Alarms blared in the distance and Hayley could still smell the smoke in the air from the multiple explosions that had gone off, people still running around in chaos. However the gunshots had stopped and there was no sign of hostiles, but it still didn't feel right. It could have been the fact that she had just had to violently fight with someone she considered family or the fact that the agent she looked up to had lost his life only moments ago, but she wished that right now she could fall into a deep sleep. One deep enough that she didn't have to feel the pain of what was going on or what was going to inevitably happen.

As she pushed herself back to sit up against the wall, still sniffling her bloody nose and wincing at her many swelling bruises, Hayley took a deep breath and closed her eyes. It wasn't long before the echoing in her head began and her hands balled into fists. Maybe those memories would never leave her alone, but Coulson had enough faith in her to pull her into this mission, and it was time she had faith in herself.

* * *

Steve wished he could say he didn't see it coming, but the truth was he knew sooner or later someone was going to lose their life. Still, he was in disbelief that it was Coulson. The man that had brought him here, expressed his admiration and offered his assistance to anyone while remaining professional and doing his job was gone. Coulson lost his life protecting his team and the world from a crazed God and Steve knew his loss would impact them all.

During the attack, Steve had worked with Tony on fixing the engine that had been blown out. It had surprised him how well they managed to cooperate and after hearing the news about what happened the Coulson, Steve seen yet another side of the man he had taken a disliking to. Tony had been silent, the look on his face saying everything he didn't want to express. This was definitely going to impact them.

Steve heard a few coughs from down the adjoining hall and his glance drifted toward who it was coming from as his feet kept moving. However as soon as he locked eyes on the wavy brown hair, he stopped right where he was. Hayley was standing not too far from the corridor leading to containment, looking through the glass windows as she held her side, looking to be in pain. There was a messy trail of blood from her nose to her chin and Steve knew immediately that she had, like everyone else, been caught up in the attack.

Hayley had wanted to make sure those medics had taken Blake to containment without any troubles, but it turns out not even she could enter just yet. It may have been a good decision considering no one knew how he was going to be when he woke up and although Hayley would have liked to be with him when it happened, she certainly wasn't ready for another fight.

Turning to the sound of approaching boots, Hayley had to do a double take as she watched Steve get closer and closer.

"You're okay," she sighed in relief.

After checking on Blake, Hayley's next move was going to be checking on Steve. But here he was, not a single noticeable injury in sight.

"You're not," he frowned, his eyes visibly checking her over.

"It's fine, minor nose bleed," Hayley shook her head, instantly feeling pain. "Ouch, and minor headache,"

"So that's why you look like your whole body's in pain?"

Hayley slightly rolled her eyes, straightening up for posture as if to prove her point. The tension on her muscles ached, but it would eventually pass. She didn't want anyone worrying over her when so many others had injuries much worse. All she wanted was to keep going.

"You should go to the medic-"

"Don't even finish that sentence," she held a finger up to him. "I'm fine,"

Steve let out a huff of annoyance before looking to the relief rooms around them.

"At least let me help you get cleaned up,"

Hayley eyed the empty room, immediately feeling a need to sit on the soft bed she could see in the middle of the room. It beat standing out in the corridor and she kept forgetting there was blood all over her face and shirt. As an answer, Hayley walked past him and into the silent and cool room, hopping up on the side of the bed and reaching up to rub her neck.

Steve followed behind her, watching as she made herself comfortable before he made his way over to the bench in the corner. He quickly grabbed a handful of tissues and water before walking back over to her.

"Thanks," she reached out for the white tissues that were now soaked.

Steve moved his hand out of her grasp, eyeing her with a warning look.

"Let me,"

"Steve, I don't need-"

"Stay still," he ordered.

Hayley relented and put her arms to her side as he began dabbing the tissues on her skin, careful of any hidden wounds. It had been a long time since she had someone around that would volunteer to help her like this, it reminded her of being back on duty in the army. Except right now and was a lot more comfortable.

"What happened?" he asked.

"The same thing that happened to everyone else in the last thirty minutes," she informed. "Except my opponent was my best friend,"

Steve paused.

"You…and Blake? He did this?"

"I wouldn't exactly say it was him, but yes. I managed to take him down before they put him in containment, but I don't know what happens now,"

"You shouldn't have taken him on your own,''

''Anyone else would have shot him, I didn't want that. Besides, I've trained with him enough to know his moves,'' Hayley shrugged, immediately wincing. ''Well, most of them,''

They remained silent for a while, Steve working on clearing her skin of blood and checking her wounds. Her bruises looked nasty but Steve knew better than to advise her to go to the medical bay. Hayley stared down at the floor as Steve continued his work, wondering what to do when he stopped. What was going to happen now?

''Did Loki get away?'' she asked quietly.

Steve frowned to himself in disappointment before nodding. Hayley wasn't surprised, but the confirmation still angered her too much for words to express. There was no way SHIELD could let him get away with it.

''Screw capturing that lunatic, if we find him...'' she trailed off, shaking her head before continuing in a whisper. ''Being a prisoner doesn't cut it,''

Steve didn't have to ask. It was clear in the way she spoke that she knew what had happened to Coulson. Steve had learned to pick up on the certain signs that Hayley was angry or upset and if he couldn't tell already from her voice, he only had to stare down at her hands which were tightly balled into fists.

''He was a good man,'' Steve spoke soft, gently dabbing her chin with a dry tissue.

''I know he had a vault full of secrets like Fury, but I trusted him,'' Hayley explained. ''There's a lot of people in SHIELD that I can't stand, but...he wasn't one of them,''

Hayley pulled her hair around to one side, feeling a lot better without dry blood being stuck to her face. Everything still ached though, but that wasn't going to go away anytime soon. A lot of what she was feeling was inescapable.

'"It's okay to be upset," Steve reminded. "You don't have to hide it,"

Holding back emotions wasn't healthy and Steve felt like a hypocrite for admitting that, but Hayley had come so far, he didn't want to see her taking any steps back. After discarding the tissues, he walked back over to stand in front of her, his eyes studying her face as she lifted it up to stare at him in return.

"I know," she nodded miserably. "But I can be upset when this is all over. If I let myself cry now…"

Hayley's voice trailed off as she shook her head, turning her gaze away from him and looking down at her feet dangling off the edge of the bed. She didn't want to cry about what happened yet, she had to push through it and get back to the mission. However with everyone at standstill for the moment and Blake being assessed, all Hayley had was time to herself and her thoughts and that was the last thing she wanted. She could feel her eyes stinging with tears but she refused to let them fall.

Steve could see Hayley biting on her lip as she continued to look down away from him and he couldn't help reaching down to gently slide his hand onto the side of her cheek. He rubbed his thumb soothingly against her skin, carefully avoiding her darkening bruises. Soon enough Hayley's watery eyes looked up at his and her lips forced a smile.

"I'm okay," she tried to assure.

"I thought we agreed not to lie to each other about this stuff," he spoke quietly.

Hayley huffed and leaned forward, Steve's hand still against her cheek as she rested her head just below his chest. Steve then moved his other arm to her back, holding her to him as his chin brushed against the top of her head.

''We can't let Loki get away with what he's done,'' she vowed, her voice still quiet.

''We won't, but right now no one knows what to do. Fury lied to us all, he's using the Tesseract to create weapons. He's fighting for it for the wrong reason,''

Hayley let out a long sigh, her eyes closing as she enjoyed the comfort of being in Steve's embrace, her forehead pressing against the material of his suit. She should have been more angry to hear about Fury's lies, but she didn't have enough motivation to express anything at the moment. So much had happened in so little time, she couldn't let her emotions get the better of her right now.

''I wish it was possible to put life on pause, to just stop everything for a while and pretend it's not real,''

Steve took a deep breath, wishing for the same thing.

''You'd have to come back to it eventually,''

''I know,'' Hayley groaned, moving back to look up at him instead. ''It's just that everything up here right now is a mess,'' she explained, pointing to her head.

''That makes two of us,''

Hayley looked up at him with a small smile, wondering what she was supposed to do now. What were any of them supposed to do?

''I don't want to move for a while, I don't want to hear anything,'' she admit. ''Will you stay? Just...just for a few minutes,''

Steve rubbed his hand against her back, nodding to her as she leaned forward once again and rested her head against his chest. Soon enough his arms enveloped her, protectively holding her close to him.

''Of course,''

* * *

As soon as Hayley took a step outside the room she had been occupying for the past twenty minutes, her head immediately felt like it was being hit with a baseball bat. Everyone was still rushing around in chaos after what had happened and security was now at an extreme high. Across the hall from where she stood, the containment unit where Blake was undoubtedly sleeping off the concussion she had caused him.

Hayley thought she would be happier to have found him, to have him back on board and focus on helping him get through what he had just experienced. But now she was finding herself terrified and full of worry. After seeing the person Loki had turned him into, Hayley didn't know what to expect when he woke up or what effect it would have on him. Not to mention she was now full of determination to seek revenge on Loki's actions for doing that to her best friend and taking away a man she looked up to.

She was a defense soldier, her job was to fight, and that was exactly what she intended to do. But right now she had to be there for someone who would do exactly the same for her.

''I need to see Agent Blake,''

A woman in a white coat turned at Hayley's voice, looking at her seriously as if analyzing what her intentions were. Security was definitely high.

''What's your field?''

''Defense. I uh...I stabilized Agent Blake before he was brought in,'' Hayley informed, figuring the woman was owed an explanation. ''He's a close friend, I just want to make sure he's okay,''

''You were lucky to get him into containment. Of all those agents, we got two back,'' the woman sighed. ''Agent Blake woke up not too long ago but he's quite dazed, as expected. He's being restrained as a precaution but that doesn't mean it's permanent, we just need to wait and see if the mind compulsion is gone from his system,''

''But...he's okay?''

''He's okay,''

Hayley sighed with relief, hands going to her hips as she felt the relief set in.

''Can I see him?''

''We're not sure of his current mental state. To be honest my team is stretched quite thin at the moment but we're making sure especially that Agent Blake and Agent Barton are thoroughly examined,''

So that's who the other agent was. Natasha would be relieved. Everyone would be relieved, but considering how many people Loki had control over, two wasn't a high enough number to celebrate. Especially with the circumstances that came with their rescue.

''I can handle Blake,'' Hayley assured.

The woman nodded and began to walked down the hall, gesturing for Hayley to follow.

''Someone familiar could help him a great deal at the moment,'' she informed. ''Mind control is not something easily recovered from,''

Hayley kept quiet and folded her arms when they reached the room Blake was being held in. It was very similar to the room she was in earlier when she was with Steve, but Blake was lying on the bed with his arms and legs strapped down. A precaution, but one that made Hayley question how long the effect's of Loki's mind control was going to last.

''I'll leave you two be, but there's an emergency alert button near the door and if you need me, ask for Dr Perkins,''

Nodding in appreciation, Hayley took a few more steps into the room while the other woman walked away. She couldn't believe that one of SHIELD's best agents was being held in containment being treated as a threat. Hayley had never seen him like this. In a hospital with a few wounds and broken bones, yes. Being a SHIELD agent meant occasional injuries. But this was a whole other level.

Even though she had been told he woke up not long ago, Hayley couldn't help flinching when his hand moved, pulling against the tight binds.

''Hey, it's just me,'' she told him, walking over so he could see her face. ''It's Hayley,''

''I know,'' he groaned. ''I'm not an amnesiac,''

''Well you kind of are,'' she smirked, happy to hear his sass.

Blake shuffled in the bed, trying to find a comfortable position.

''I feel like a mental patient,'' he huffed.

''Again, you kind of are,''

''I'm fine, this isn't necessary,''

''Blake, stop being so stubborn, okay? What happened to you was serious, no one's taking any precautions,''

''Hayley O'Connor, telling _me _not to be so stubborn,'' he shook his head. ''Now I know I lost my mind,''

''You didn't lose your mind. You just...temporarily misplaced it,''

Blake couldn't help chuckling at that, but it soon turned into a cringe as he pulled against the restraints once again. Hayley quickly became concerned, leaning down to put her hands on his and settle him down.

''Whoa, hey it's okay,'' she assured.

''I'm fine,'' he choked out. ''Just keep getting flashes of...everything. My head feels like it's going to split open,''

Hayley bit down on her lip, feeling guilty.

''Sorry about that,''

''About what?'' he asked, clueless.

''I had to get you to containment somehow, and a little payback for this,'' she explained, pointing to her bruises.

''I did that?'' Blake asked, his eyes widening. ''What the-''

''I've had worse. And I got my payback as you can tell,''

Blake knew a lot had happened since Loki took control of his mind, but he didn't think Hayley would be on the receiving end of his fists, ever. He could remember things that happened, but in a blurry flash as if he had dreamed about it. It was hard to tell what really happened and what was just his mind playing tricks on him.

''I guess that makes me feel less pissed about you giving me the worst concussion of my life,'' he sighed before groaning. ''Actually no. This hurts like hell, consider me still pissed,''

''Don't be a baby about it,'' Hayley nudged his hand. ''But in all seriousness Blake, I'm glad you're back. You scared the hell out of me,''

''I'll try not to get in the way of a God again,'' he smiled lightly.

Hayley took a deep breath and leaned down to give him a hug. Although he couldn't reciprocate due to the restraints, Blake closed his eyes and accepted the warmth of his best friends arms around him. After everything he went through, it was nice to wake up and have her there.

''I don't know what I'd do if I lost you,'' Hayley told him in a quiet voice.

''You won't lose me O'Connor,'' he assured.

''You don't know that,''

''No one knows when they're time is up. I sure thought my time was coming these past few days, but apparently not. Every day you wake up is a second chance really,''

''Are you getting philosophical?'' Hayley asked, her voice muffled while she continued hugging him.

''I'm just saying you never know. There's no point holding back on anything, especially in our line of work, 'cause our time might be up in a few minutes and we don't get any warning,''

Hayley thought about his words. It was true that working within SHIELD was a dangerous life, they could be killed on routine assignments, training sessions or lengthy missions. There was no way to tell.

Now with the threat of Gods and aliens, absolutely anything was possible. They were going to march into a war soon, there was no changing that, and Blake was right. If their time was going to be up, there was no point holding anything back.


	20. Chapter 20

_So you gotta fire up, you gotta let go_  
_you'll never be loved till you've made your own_  
_You gotta face up, you gotta get yours_  
_you never know the top till you get too low_

* * *

Even though they had cooperated during the attack on the helicarrier, Steve was still sure that he didn't like the person Tony Stark was, or who he was pretending to be. However Steve saw a different side of the man after the death of Coulson. There were no jokes, no snide comments and no making a scene.

Fury had given them few words after what was left of the team had met up. Tony was the only one sitting at the table when Steve joined. Coulson was important to everyone at SHIELD and it appeared to have impacted on Fury quite a lot as well. But after seeing Coulson's Captain America trading cards covered in blood and listening to Fury give a speech about heroes, Tony had enough.

Steve found him in the same spot Coulson had died and he could see the anger and pain in his expression. It didn't take them long to engage in a minor argument over the smallest of things, but Steve knew his emotions were running high. Everyone's were, but he hadn't seen Tony like this before.

''I'm not marching into Fury's fife!'' Tony denied angrily.

''Neither am I,'' Steve agreed. ''He's got the same blood on his hands as Loki does. But right now we gotta put that behind us and get this done. Now Loki needs a power source-''

''He made it personal,'' Tony interrupted, his eyes scanning over the blood dried to the wall where Coulson had died.

Steve sighed as he looked over to the same spot before his gaze returned to Tony.

''That's not the point,''

''It is the point,'' Tony spoke determinedly. ''That's Loki's point. He hit us all right where we live, why?''

''To tear us apart,'' Steve concluded easily.

''He knows he has to take us out to win, right? That's what Loki wants. He wants to beat us, he wants to be seen doing it. He wants an audience,''

''Right. I caught his act in Stuttgart,''

''That's just previews, this is opening night,'' Tony continued, becoming more and more crazed with every word that came into his head. ''And Loki, he's a full tilt diva. He wants flowers, he wants a parade, he wants a monument in the sky with his name...''

That's when it hit him. Steve watched him curiously, wondering what he was going to say next. But by just the look in Tony's eyes, he knew something was forming. His worries over their plan or the next step was slowing fading away, the idea of new hope beginning to form.

''Son of a bitch,'' Tony gasped.

* * *

To anyone else, the position Hayley was in right now probably didn't seem the most comfortable. Her chair was pushed back against the wall next to Blake's bed, her feet stretched straight on the floor almost making her horizontal. However her eyes were closed, her arms folded and her head was slumped against her left shoulder.

Hayley had been by Blake's side for hours now, explaining everything that had happened and helping him accept the loss of Coulson. No one had come to terms with it yet, but Blake knew he was apart of the attack that killed a man he looked up to, and that hit him hard. Nurses came and ran tests, asked a few questions to evaluate basic mental health and then assigned him to rest. It wasn't pleasant to see her friend in this condition, but it was much better than the idea of him still being out there under Loki's control.

''O'Connor,''

Groaning in annoyance, Hayley's eyes opened to see a fellow defense soldier standing in front of her, shaking her shoulder.

''W-what? What happened?'' she sat up, immediately looking around the room.

''Brennan wants you with us for a briefing,''

Hayley looked over to a sleeping Blake, making sure he was okay before nodding to the soldier and following him out. The halls were now an opposite environment to the one she had been in earlier. No one was running around frantically and it was uncomfortably quiet which made her think something big was going on.

''Do we have orders?'' she asked, noticing how fast they were making their way down the corridor.

''Not sure. Brennan just wanted everyone rounded up, you're guess is as good as mine,''

The only reason Brennan would want everyone rounded up would be because they had orders. That, or he had some other big news he needed to share with the unit. When they didn't have orders and were on standby, everyone was scattered around the helicarrier until Brennan requested them, which would have taken much more effort now that some of the team were injured or helping other agents after the attack.

When they reached the defense unit level, everyone looked equally anxious to find out what it was they were called in for. Brennan was standing in front of them all speaking to four pilots quietly, nodding at them before they hurried away. Hayley stood at the back of the group and folded her arms, listening in.

''Listen up,'' Brennan began, his voice reaching every person in the room with it's volume. ''We've received information about Loki's next move. He's planning to bring in an army of extraterrestrials and he's going to use New York as his arena. There's a team headed into the city now and we're going to follow them soon. Our main goal is to get people off the street, out of the battle, save as many lives as possible,''

''How are we supposed to kill aliens?'' one of the soldiers asked, shocked.

''However we can. The world's never seen this before, this is all new territory. Like I said, our mission is civilian safety, but these creatures will be coming from all angles. Kill them, keep moving. The other team is taking care of Loki,''

''What other team? We're the main division for defense,'' another soldier asked.

Everyone paused in silence as they watched Brennan take a deep breath, folding his arms as he announced.

''The Avengers,''

* * *

Hayley stood in the back of the jet headed to New York, her hands and body working as normal but her mind at a standstill. Aliens. An army of aliens were actually descending upon the city and it was their job to not only save as many people as possible, but kill whatever creatures came their way. Along with that, Hayley had been informed that the Avengers, led by Steve himself, were out their fighting right now.

Getting geared up in a jet was always tricky, but Hayley was determined to get ready as fast as possible. Her thick vest was already strapped on and her weapons were strapped to her legs and sides. Everything was black. From the longsleeve skintight shirt to the sturdy combat boots that held in the bottoms of her cargo pants. Gearing up was the perfect way to get into her zone.

_''There's no point holding back anything, especially in our line of work, 'cause our time might be up in a few minutes and we don't get any warning,''_

Blake's words repeated over and over in her mind as she stared at the blank wall in front of her. She didn't get to see Steve before he left for the city, she didn't get to say goodbye or tell him to be safe. It was silly to be upset over it really. No one got warning on when they'd be needed, they couldn't take a few minutes out of that time and go find someone to say goodbye. This was how their job was.

But she couldn't help thinking she missed her chance to not hold back anymore.

She was slipping on her fingerless gloves when Harrison walked over.

''You alright?'' she asked, loading her gun.

''I'm fine, no more shakes,'' Hayley nodded.

''Wish I could say the same,'' Harrison admit. ''Never thought I'd be fighting aliens,''

''I guess it could be worse,''

There was no way it could have been worse.

The sky had a hole in it where a bright blue beam was hitting, unleashing an army of creatures Hayley had never even imagined before. From the moment the jet dropped them in the city, their hearts were beating faster than ever. No mission added up to this one.

As they ran into the wreckage, Hayley could feel her breathing losing control, but she pushed through it. The constant sounds of gunfire, explosions and collapsing buildings echoed everywhere, but she had no other choice but to keep running. That's when the aliens came into view.

They were flying everywhere, hitting people with their beams. Hayley pulled out her guns and fired at as many as she could before following her team to the side of the street to get people into the tunnels. The police had ordered from Captain America and no one was going to argue with them.

Hayley couldn't see Steve anywhere on the streets, but then again she didn't stop and search for him either. Too much was happening, she had to get the civilians to safety, she had to do her job.

It felt like hours had passed since her feet touched the debris on the streets, but it was far less. Even down in the tunnels Hayley could hear the screeching sound of the creatures above.

They were shooting beams and Hayley had quickly discovered how painful they were, being hit in the leg as she shot back at them. It felt like a knife when it hit her, but right now she tried to push it as far from her thoughts as possible so focus on whatever had to be done next.

''My sister's out there!''

Hayley immediately turned in search of the voice, spotting a boy around seven years old trying to claw his way through the crowd to the exit. Seeing no other agents nearby, Hayley rushed over to him and put her hands on his shoulders, pulling him away from the path stampede of people.

''Hey, it's okay,'' she assured, kneeling down and looking at him, biting down on her lip as she remembered her injury.

The boy looked completely distressed. Most children that were in the crowd they moved got separated from their parents due to the mass, it would have been traumatic. But what made it worse was knowing someone you loved was still out there among it all. Hayley knew that feeling all too well.

''What's your name?''

''Charlie,'' he cried.

''Okay Charlie, where's the last place you saw your sister?''

''We were outside the book shop with my mom,'' he told her in a shaky voice. ''My mom is down there but Lily's out there!''

''It's gonna be okay,'' Hayley grabbed his hand, carefully pulling him along to stand near the other agent by the side of the steep stairway who was supervising. ''I need you to stay here next to this man and I'm going to go find Lily, okay?''

Charlie nodded with a pout and then Hayley turned toward the exit with speed in her step. A little girl was out in a battle zone and she had to find her. The book shop had to be close since civilians would have been going to the nearest tunnel entry, but it was hard to see anything when all the buildings were so damaged. The street looked like a bomb had gone off which probably wasn't untrue.

Hayley pulled out her gun and shot at the creatures she could see coming toward her, watching as they fell to the ground motionless. Debris crumbled beneath her feet as she hurried over to the sidewalk, maneuvering around fallen poles, bricks and blazes. Her leg was still burning with pain but it was easy to ignore once she focused on what she was setting out to do.

A few minutes later Hayley found the little girl, luckily. She was beginning to think she was going the wrong way, but a cry from beside an abandoned car took her attention.

''Lily?'' Hayley asked as she approached. ''It's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you,''

The little girl had tears in her eyes, hands trembling as she stood up.

''Your brother Charlie is looking for you, come on, I'll take you to him,''

Lily seemed about five years old, but she was brave. Hayley opened her arms and took the child into her embrace, standing up with one arm supporting Lily and the other gripping her gun.

''Are you hurt?'' she asked.

''No,''

''Okay, just keep your head down,''

Hayley looked around her, checking the perimeter, before beginning to cross the road over to the tunnel. She was realizing just how far she had come right now. It was probably not the best time to commend her success, but she was standing in the middle of a war zone with explosions and guns going off all around her and she wasn't freaking out. She wasn't having flashes back to the day she lost Nick, she wasn't balling her hands into fists.

Something about being back in the field triggered it, or maybe it was the fact that she wasn't the only one who struggled to get back to this point. She hadn't gone through this journey alone. Steve had been there with her and now the both of them were off fighting aliens. Maybe they had helped each other just as planned. Or maybe she finally made it on her own. Either way, it was a huge step for her.

''It's okay,'' Hayley told Lily after firing a few shots toward a half dead alien on the ground.

Hurrying her steps with a slight limp, Hayley got back to the tunnel entrance and sat Lily down to run into her brother's arms. It was a comforting sight. In the middle of this terror, seeing two siblings reunited safely made her feel much better.

Instructing them to follow the others down to the tunnels where their parents would most likely be searching for them, Hayley took a deep breath and moved to the side to let in another group of civilians. However when she moved and looked up at the sky, she saw something even more horrifying than the creatures on the ground she had killed.

It was a giant, snake like monster making it's way through streets and knocking out buildings. It was being tailed by Iron man, but compared to the monster Tony Stark looked like an ant in a tin suit. This war was still raging, and she couldn't take her eyes off it.

''O'Connor!''

Hayley turned to the soldier calling out to her before noticing a creature standing on top of a shattered vehicle, the weapon in his hand aimed directly at her. There was no time to run before the powerful beam blasted toward her.


	21. Chapter 21

**Hey guys!**

** I know I haven't been updating much but I'll try and get better with that, classes are getting the better of me at the moment. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter and that it's not moving too fast for you all.**

**I'd love to hear more feedback from you guys to see if you'd like anything included or if to suggest another angle to take, I'd really appreciate it :)**

* * *

_If we're only ever looking back_

_we will drive ourselves insane,_

* * *

Steve didn't know if he liked shawarma or not. It tasted fine, but it was messy to eat and it really wasn't filling his appetite. But that might have been because he didn't really have one. They had just defeated the Chitauri army that invaded, but there was a ton of ruin surrounding them.

They almost lost Tony in the wormhole, a moment that everyone was sure they would never forget. They wouldn't forget anything about this day actually, and neither would the rest of the world.

Steve never thought he would see something like it, but then again he didn't think he would ever see 2012.

When they were finished their meal that Tony had insisted upon, they ventured out into the destroyed street where a SHIELD team was picking them up. They may have just saved the world, but everyone had a lot of questions for them and most blamed them. SHIELD wanted to take them in before anything could get out, they needed to figure out how to handle what was going on.

''How's Barton?'' Steve asked Natasha as they stood at the back of the jet en route to the helicarrier.

''He'll be okay,'' she nodded. ''I'm sure he'd feel a lot better if he had let go of that arrow pointed at Loki,''

''I don't blame him,''

Loki had been captured and escorted to a SHIELD facility where he would be locked until he and Thor were permitted to take the Tesseract back to Asgard. Thor hated the destruction his brother had brought upon New York, but he had put up a good fight to protect everyone, this wasn't his fault.

Tony was extremely quiet on the way back, no smart comments or jabs that he would usually make. Although no one expecting any sass right now, not after what he had been through, what any of them had been through.

When they finally made it back on board the helicarrier, it was almost empty. Teams had left to help clear the city and gather the Chitauri remains, but Nick Fury stood at the helm of the craft, welcoming the Avengers.

''That could have been a lot worse,'' he sighed. ''A _lot _worse,''

Fury looked over to Tony who didn't respond, instead he walked further down the corridor to one of the empty rooms where he would undoubtedly make a call to Pepper. He didn't need medics to check him out, Jarvis had given him everything he needed when they arrived back at the tower to collect Loki. The Hulk had beaten him almost to a pulp.

However the others did. They weren't complaining, but they were bruised and battered and the medical team was already waiting for them. A lot had to be done before they could think of their next move anyway.

''Rogers,'' Fury called out. ''Mind if we have a word?''

Steve immediately became suspicious. Fury was a secretive man, the possibilities were endless for whatever he wanted to talk about. Steve wandered off from the medics, making his way over to Fury who was now standing by the large window down the hall.

Privacy. This made Steve even more suspicious.

''I've got a lot to deal with, but I knew you'd want to know,''

Steve's jaw clenched as he folded his arms, knowing he wasn't going to like whatever he was about to be told.

* * *

There had to be a large piece of hot metal pressing against her side, there was no other way she could be feeling like this. There were other places on her body which were in a lot of pain too, but nothing amounted to what she felt on her abdomen.

Hayley remembered the Chitauri soldier aiming at her, but she was sure she started to run away or find cover, evidently she had been too slow. She was still in her tactical uniform except without her chest protection and she could feel pieces of gauze and bandage on her legs and arms. The smell of antibacterial equipment was enough to let her know she was no longer down in the street, but in the medical bay.

Reaching down to her stomach and wincing, Hayley began to lift her blood soaked shirt up high enough to feel where the burning was, but her hand was stopped before she could inspect any further. Snapping her eyes open, Hayley saw a figure standing next to her in the dark room. It only took a second to see the silhouette was Steve.

''It's gonna hurt like hell if you touch that,'' Steve advised, still holding her hand.

''It already hurts like hell,'' she winced. ''What are you doing here?''

''It's over, we won,''

Hayley stared at him for a moment, wondering if she was dreaming. There was a hole in the sky, aliens were attacking the city, it seemed impossible for it to be over or to win against that.

''The last time I looked up at the sky there was a...I don't even know how to describe it,'' she shook her head.

''I know, but they're gone now,'' he explained.

''What about Loki?''

''Secured, he's not gonna hurt anyone. Thor's taking him back to Asgard once everything is sorted,''

''So that's it? No more aliens or crazy Gods?''

''We hope not,'' Steve smiled.

Relaxing into her pillow now that she had confirmation that the fight had ended, Hayley let out a long sigh before wincing again suddenly, her hand going toward her stomach. Steve caught it once again, not allowing her to disrupt the painful injury.

''It's burning!'' she whined.

''Touching it won't help,'' he shook his head. ''Hey, just focus on me, think of something other than the burning,''

Steve held Hayley hand closed as he knelt down beside the bed, his eyes staring directly into hers. When Fury told him she had been hit with a Chitauri weapon beam, he didn't have to imagine how it felt. He had been hit with one too, but not as bad as Hayley had been. It had burnt her and pierced through her skin before blasting her into a collapsed wall. The tactical protection didn't stand up against the alien weaponry, but it did enough to save her life.

It had scared him more than all of what he had seen that day. The thought of losing her made his chest tight and he felt weak, he had grown too attached to her. It wasn't that he was dependent on the woman, but to think he would never hear her voice again or watch her squint into the sunlight made him worry beyond words. She was more than just a friend to him and he wasn't going to leave her here alone.

''You should be with the team,'' she told him through almost gritted teeth, still trying to take her mind off the pain.

''No, I should be here with you,'' he shook his head.

''Steve, it's nothing-''

''I'm not going anywhere,'' he declared. ''I'm staying right here,''

Hayley smiled up at him, squeezing his hand in hers. She never knew what she did right to have Steve in her life, but she knew she was lucky. As she stared at him she noticed the red stain on his suit.

''You're hurt,'' she frowned. ''Why didn't you go to the medics?''

''I'm fine,''

''Which is why you're bleeding,''

''I _was _bleeding, but now I'm fine,'' he assured.

Folding her arms, Hayley shook her head at him in disapproval. Before anything else could be said, a nurse walked in and slid on a pair of gloves, ready to inspect her injury. Hayley winced at the thought, already shifting in the bed.

''I know it hurts,'' the nurse spoke. ''But you've got a very nasty wound there and it could easily get infected,''

''Can't you just...I don't know, put a really big band aid on it?''

''It's not that simple. This is from a beam of energy, it's burnt into you and caused significant damage. We can wrap it and sterilize it for now, but I don't recommend anything strenuous at all for about a month. Also I think you should be on bed rest for a week or more, you can't risk stretching the wound,''

Hayley stared up at the nurse.

''The whole city is torn apart,'' she shook her head. ''I can't be laying in bed while people are dealing with that,''

''Your team on the ground got hundreds of civilians to safety and saved their lives, you've done enough. There are people down there helping already, your job now is to rest,''

Groaning in protest, Hayley leaned her head back on the pillow.

''I'll grab you some pain relief before you're escorted home,''

Steve thanked the nurse since Hayley seemed too aggravated for now. She waited until they were alone again before she spoke.

''Home? How can I go _home _when the city's falling to pieces?''

''Because what happened isn't your fault and it's not up to you to take care of it,'' he explained. ''You've done your part and you almost got killed doing it so I think you've done your part,''

''It doesn't feel right,'' she shook her head before turning to him with a worried look. ''Wait, where's Blake?''

''They assessed him and released him. He's with his division sorting a lot of things out after Coulson...there's a lot to work through,'' he told her. ''I asked about him on my way in, I though you'd want to know,''

Hayley reached out and grabbed his hand.

''Thank you Steve,''

* * *

It was late that night when Hayley returned to her apartment. The streets surrounding the SHIELD building were covered in dust and debris, making her feeling even worse about the fact she was going to be spending day after day in bed. But as Steve continued to remind her, at least she was alive.

Steve held onto Hayley's waist as she hobbled down the hall, refusing to accept any other help. It was a slow and painful walk to her door, but she was determined to do it herself. Blake stood on the other side of her, carrying a backpack filled with the few things she took on board the helicarrier with her and some pain medication to take in between the visits from the SHIELD nurses.

''Blake, honestly, I'm _fine_. Don't miss your flight because of me,'' Hayley told him for the fifth time as he unlocked her door.

''The jet leaves when I want it to,'' he shook his head, holding the door open for her and Steve to walk through.

''Laura has been worried sick, don't make her even more worried,'' she turned to look at him. ''After what you've been through, I don't want you to stay here one minute longer than you need to. I'm fine, I've been assigned to bed rest remember? I won't be going anywhere or getting into any sort of trouble. At least not while Steve's guarding me,''

''That's true,'' Steve chimed in. ''She'll be fine,''

Blake looked between the two of them for a moment before shrugging his shoulders and looking toward the door.

''Well...I suppose I could go soon,''

''You can go _now_,'' Hayley corrected. ''Get your ass on a plane and go see your girlfriend,''

Blake weighed up his decisions. He had been debriefed and attended a session with Dr Rafferty before being permitted to leave the city and he had even more sessions lined up when he got back. The sooner he started his break from SHIELD the better.

''I'll be back in a week,''

''You'll be back in two weeks,'' Hayley poked his chest. ''Take a damn holiday Elliot,''

''Ooh, when you hit me with the first name it hurts,''

''Well I'm serious,''

Blake smiled before reaching over and pulling her into a very gentle hug, mindful of her injuries. The two of them were family, they had to take care of each other. But Blake knew Hayley wouldn't let him stay and help, and to be honest he needed to get away. A God had been playing around in his head, he needed somewhere away from SHIELD for a while.

''Take care of her,'' Blake looked to Steve.

''Absolutely,'' Steve promised.

* * *

_''The Battle of New York may be over but it is far from being forgotten. Citizens have gathered together to pay tribute to those who were lost in the unbelievable attack and to help crews clean up the streets in what will be a very lengthy recovery and a day that will go down in world history,''_

Hayley couldn't take her eyes off the background on television. Buildings falling apart, people screaming and crying in fear as they ran for their lives. It was as if the Apocalypse had come.

''Each channel is gonna have the same thing playing you know,'' Steve told her as he handed her a cup of tea.

Even after the four hours of restless and uncomfortable sleep, Hayley still felt like it was only moments ago they were out there fighting. It was eight in the morning and she had watched countless stories on the attack on multiple channels.

''I should be out there,''

''You can hardly walk,'' he reminded. ''What happened out there wasn't your fault,''

''But it wasn't theirs either and look what they have to deal with,'' she shook her head. ''You're going out there to help, I just wish I could too,''

''I'm going out there because I'm not suffering from serious injuries. Two weeks of rest is going to go really slow if you keep making yourself feel guilty,''

Hayley chuckled.

''I am _not _laying in bed for two weeks,''

''Fine, lay on the couch,'' Steve shrugged. ''Either way you're resting for the_ full_ two weeks,''

''What, are you just going to stay here and monitor me the whole time?'' she raised her eyebrows.

''Well we are assigned to help each other and I have a feeling if I don't you'll try and walk down the street or something,'' he explained with a small laugh.

''So if I have to suffer, I'm taking you down with me? I like it,'' she laughed. ''But seriously-''

''I'm taking care of you, save your arguments,'' he advised before walking back into the kitchen.

Hayley turned her head on the couch to look over at him. She was definitely lucky to have Steve Rogers.

* * *

_''Cleanup efforts on the streets of New York is well underway with teams from all around the country pitching in to help get the city back on it's feet...''_

Hayley had the television on the background as she took another agonizing step toward the kitchen from her bedroom. Steve had been gone for just over five hours now to go help with the cleanup and assist SHIELD's team. It had been three days since being back home in her apartment and Steve had kept his word on staying and helping. It made it easier that he too lived in the building, but he didn't leave her for long.

It wasn't that she was going to fall over or die without him here, but Steve knew that Hayley was a stubborn and determined woman and therefore knew she would be pushing herself to recover quicker than the expected two weeks. Like right now, disobeying the nurse and Steve's instructions to stay in bed and rest. But she wanted some of the leftover pizza in the fridge and that required movement.

She should have known her timing would be all wrong. As soon as she grabbed the box, which took a few minutes to bend down and painfully reach for, she heard the door open and immediately cursed at herself for choosing now to be hungry.

''It's 7 pm okay, it was either this or I starve,'' Hayley immediately defended, spinning around.

However instead of being met with a disapproving look from Steve, she saw him standing there staring back at her with a large gash across his forehead, a gruesome line of blood flowing down his face. Steve held a tissue hard against it, but it clearly needed more than that.

''What happened to you?'' Hayley asked worriedly.

''Don't worry, it's not as bad as it looks,'' Steve shrugged.

''It looks like you need stitches,'' she took a few steps closer, holding her stomach tight after abandoning the pizza box.

''And you look like you need to sit down,'' he closed the gap between them, his hand going around her waist and lifting her off her feet with just one arm.

''I was walking perfectly fine,'' she protested as he sat her down near the couch. ''Steve what happened?''

''It was nothing, just a bit of debris from a building we had to knock down,''

''So by debris you mean a piece of a building hit your head?'' she asked.

Steve didn't say anything, confirming her assumptions. He didn't want her to worry over a small gash, he would heal eventually.

''I'm getting the first aid kit, you need stitches,'' Hayley began to stand again.

''No, don't get up, you're not supposed to,''

''Then _you _go and get it, or I will,''

Frowning, Steve stood up and walked into the bathroom before returning with a small white box. Sitting down next to Hayley on the couch, Steve shook his head as if this was all unnecessary. Hayley rolled her eyes at his response and began tipping some antiseptic ointment onto a cotton pad and dabbing the cut, watching as his face squirmed in displeasure.

They were silent as Hayley began stitching the gash, Steve not wanting to move and Hayley not wanting to hurt him. She knew he was a super soldier and could handle so much more than just a cut to his head, but he was still human.

''So, you're allowed to take care of me but you don't like it when I take care of you, is that it?'' Hayley asked as she pulled away from him, finishing up the stitches.

''That's not it,'' he shook his head.

Hayley put her hand on his cheek, turning him to face her again as she dabbed at his cut for the final time to clean up.

''Then what is it?'' she asked quietly.

''I don't like seeing you worried,'' he admit. ''And there's no need to, I'm pretty sturdy,''

Steve grinned, trying to lighten the mood.

''Steve, you could be indestructible and I would still worry about you,'' she told him, putting down the cotton wipe. ''That's the whole point,''

Hayley turned her attention to the box on her lap, putting everything back where it belonged. Steve however couldn't take his eyes off her. It seemed that she was avoiding him, avoiding saying something that they needed to say. There had been an unspoken and ignored tension between them for too long now, one of them had to break it, and Steve was tired of dancing around it.

''The point of what?'' he asked, his voice coming out in a whisper.

When she looked back up at him, she noticed how close they actually were. Her heart started beating faster as she saw Steve's eyes staring directly into hers as if she was the only person that mattered to him right now, and she felt it too. It wasn't the best time, but it never would be.

''Of loving someone,''

Hayley's words were barely audible, but Steve heard her perfectly, which is why he felt the need to put his finger beneath her chin and gently pull her lips to his.


	22. Chapter 22

**Hey guys, thanks for continuing to read! I'll be going off on my own plot here for a while before entering into Cap 2 in the future. Anyway, this is a kind of cheesy chapter but I wanted to have a change of pace, I will be writing more of Steve and Hayley's relationship in following chapters so I hope you all continue to read and follow this story!**

**Thanks!**

* * *

_I'll use you as a focal point  
__So I don't lose sight of what I want_

_I've moved further than I thought I could_  
_But I miss you more than I thought I would  
_  
_I'll use you as a warning sign_  
_That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind_

_I found love where it wasn't supposed to be_  
_Right in front of me_

* * *

Hayley felt Steve's lips push against her own and her heart immediately began to beat faster than she ever thought possible. It was one shock for her to have admitted to loving him in such a sudden manner but for him to respond with a kiss made her mind go into overdrive. Steve too couldn't control his heart rate, feeling it pulse throughout his body as if he'd been electrified.

It was a soft and gentle kiss, but it didn't last too long, and that what they were afraid of. What was to come next.

They pulled away and looked at one another with wide, innocent eyes as if they were scared of what the other was going to say. Hayley bit down on her lip nervously, but her eyes didn't leave his.

"Should I have not done that?" Steve whispered cautiously.

''Uh, no,'' she smiled. ''I just haven't kissed anyone in a while,''

''I know the feeling,'' he joked.

Hayley chuckled lightly at him before leaning forward and resting her forehead on his. It was hard to process what just happened between them. It was a huge step for her to admit to having feelings for him and she worried that it would change everything between them. And then he kissed her.

''What are we doing?'' she asked quietly.

''I don't know,'' Steve admit in an equally shy voice.

''I don't want to lose you,''

Steve moved back and looked at her sincerely.

''You won't. Ever,''

Hayley looked up at him with worry for a while before shaking her head slightly, doubt running through her mind.

''You don't know that, this changes things,''

Steve sighed, taking her hand in his.

''When I saw you in that hospital bed, I hated myself,'' he told her. ''I lost my whole life when I was in the ice and I woke up to a second chance. A second chance at life and love, to be happy, and when I saw you...I thought I lost it all over again,''

Hayley's heart kept beating faster in her chest as he spoke. She could feel a lump rising in her throat, but she held back as she listened.

''We both work in a dangerous field, neither of us know what's going to happen next or when aliens are going to come down from the sky and if something happens, I'd rather you know...how I feel,''

There were no words fitting to respond, so Hayley lifted her head and kissed him, reconnecting their lips once again. Finally it was out there. Not only did they each know about one another's feelings, but they felt the same. It took an alien invasion to admit it to each other.

Maybe it was a mistake, maybe they should just stay friends, but both had escaped death enough to know chances should be taken.

Hayley's hands snaked around to the back of his head as Steve slid his hand to her back and pulled her closer. Everything around them was silent, it was as if nothing else existed.

But like every good moment they seemed to have, it was interrupted. There were a few knocks at the door that made them pull apart immediately, hearts thumping in panic at who it was.

''Miss O'Connor? It's Lydia, sorry I'm late,''

Hayley let out a sigh of relief as she heard it was her nurse, looking back at Steve with pink cheeks that matched his own. It wasn't the best time to be interrupted, they had a lot to talk about, but at the same time there was nothing to say.

''Uh, I should go clean up,'' Steve stood from the couch, walking over to the door.

''Yeah, okay,'' Hayley nodded over to him with a smile. ''I'll see you later,''

Then Lydia was in the room, asking her a bunch of questions about her current condition and therapy techniques, preparing to redress the wound. But Hayley's mind was so far from her health right now, she couldn't wrap her thoughts around anything other than what just happened.

* * *

Steve washed the blood off his face as he stood shirtless in front of his bathroom mirror. Splashing water onto his skin, he couldn't stop reliving his kiss with Hayley. He had told her things he had been keeping to himself for a while now, it was relieving to get it off his chest and have understanding between the two of them after so long of ignoring the feelings, but in between that relief and happiness was guilt.

He knew he loved Hayley because he knew what love was. He had been in loved before. Peggy was his love. The first real and true love he ever had, and he would always have that love for her. Steve knew he was silly of him to still be holding on to the woman he knew in 1945, but to him it wasn't too long ago at all. He knew he and Peggy would have had a good life, they would have had a family and lived happily together until they grew old. But that life was ripped away from him, what was he supposed to do?

There was no way he would ever stop loving Peggy Carter. She would always be in his heart for as long as he lived. Looking back at his reflection, he wondered what Peggy would say to him. She always knew what to say, her words meant more to him than anyone else's ever did.

She would have wanted him to be happy, she would have told him to pull himself together. He had a second chance, a new life, and he so badly wanted to take it before he lost it again.

Walking back into his bedroom, he lifted a small circular compass out of his drawer and sat down on the edge of his bed, staring down at the image of Peggy inside. He didn't think he would ever be able to take her picture out, and he remembered Hayley's words the first time they spoke about the woman.

_''The world may think they know you, but it's those things you need to keep to yourself, don't let them take it away,''_

Smiling to himself, he pressed a kiss to the rusty metal and held it tight in his hands as he smiled to himself, knowing he was making the right decision.

* * *

Hayley didn't know what to think when Steve didn't reappear later that evening. They had left things in a questionable place, maybe he didn't want to face what they needed to talk about. Hayley didn't want to either, she wasn't good at these things, but she wished she had been able to see him before she shut her lights off.

Sleeping on her back every night was driving her insane, but with new bandages and antiseptic stinging her every time she moved, she had no choice but to deal with it. It took her hours to fall asleep, the afternoon's events playing over and over in her head, but eventually she slipped away.

Steve didn't mean to be away for so long, he got lost in his thoughts and honestly didn't know what the next step was. However hours later he made his way to Hayley's apartment and let himself inside, realizing she had given up on waiting for him. He let out a sigh of disappointment in himself before he heard a noise coming from her room that made him go into panic mode.

Just as the previous times Steve had witnessed her nightmares, Hayley's body was shaking with fear and her hair was almost wet with sweat. He didn't know how long she had been like this, but he had to wake her up. She was biting down hard on teeth and he could tell she was in pain.

''Hayley!'' Steve shook her shoulder. ''Hey, wake up, you're hurting yourself,''

Instead, her body continued to shake even more. Steve thought of the only thing he knew she did to snap herself out of this trance and immediately slipped his arms under her body, lifting her up and hurriedly carrying her into the bathroom. Lifting her into the glass shower cubicle, careful of her stomach, Steve turned on the cold water and watched as it hit her face, her eyes snapping open and her mouth gasping for air.

Holding her still, Steve pushed back the hair from her eyes and held his hands on either side of her face, training her eyes onto his.

''Hey, hey it's just me, you're okay,'' he whispered. ''It's okay, you're safe, I got you,''

Hayley stared back at him in horror, slowly realizing whatever was playing around in her head wasn't real.

''The...that thing,'' she stuttered. ''T-the Chitauri soldier...''

''They're gone, they're not gonna hurt you. It was a dream, I promise you're okay,''

Gripping his arms, Hayley stared into his eyes as if to really make sure he was there.

''You didn't come back,'' she spoke sadly.

Steve felt his heart tighten in his chest as he realized this was the first nightmare she had experience since being back and it happened to be the night he wasn't there with her. He had been somewhat of a bad-dream repellent the whole time she had been home.

''I'm here now,'' he assured her, looking into her eyes with a sad expression. ''Nothing's gonna hurt you,''

* * *

Steve had witnessed Hayley shaken up before, but not like this. She hadn't said a word since he guided her out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her body, gathering some clothes for her to change into. He kept asking if she was okay and all he got in return was a slow nod, her eyes staring off somewhere else.

Nightmares were nothing new to her, but this one felt too real for her to accept that it was over. Steve was here though, she had woken up, she knew this, but it was a hard feeling to shake off.

Sitting on the side of her bed looking worried, Steve's eyes locked onto Hayley as she walked out of the bathroom in dry clothes, her skin still a pale shade as if she had seen a ghost.

''I'm okay,'' she told him softly, slowly making her way over to the other side of the bed.

''No you're not,'' Steve shook his head. ''You're shaking,''

Without waiting for her to do it herself, Steve pulled back the blankets and helped her lay down, making sure she didn't pull her stitches. Maybe the cold shower wasn't the best idea, but it was the only thing he could think of to get her out of that trance.

''Hey, talk to me,'' he reached over and soothingly ran his thumb along her cheek.

Steve could see Hayley's eyes filling with tears as she looked back at him, desperately trying to be strong. So many emotions in one day, everything was boiling over.

''I'm scared,'' she admit in a quiet, shy voice. ''And I hate it. I just want to sleep and I can't without seeing everything all over again,''

Hayley sniffled and leaned back on the headboard of the bed, pushing her hair back out of her face but avoiding Steve's gaze. Her eyes were watering and she knew tears were going to spill over soon.

''That alien...I can see it looking at me, aiming at me, wanting to kill me,'' she spoke quietly, her voice shaking as she recounted her fear. ''And I know it's real. It's not a nightmare, it happened,''

Steve scooted up on the bed and sat beside her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close to his side. Hayley didn't hesitate to lean into his embrace, resting her head on his shoulder and feeling him press a kiss to her forehead. With something so simple, Hayley felt so much warmer and safer. Steve's voice, his touch, his smell, everything about him made her feel better.

''It scares me too,'' he told her after a few moments of silence. ''I had a dream they came back, they were everywhere,''

''What did you do?''

''I got up off the couch and opened your door, saw you sleeping and knew everything was okay,'' he explained. ''I've lost a lot of people I love and I relive it in a lot of my dreams, but now I got someone I care about right here in front of me that I haven't lost and I think that scares me even more,''

* * *

Steve's chest may not have been anywhere near as soft as her pillow, but Hayley definitely preferred sleeping against it. The buzzing of her phone on the kitchen bench woke her from her peaceful slumber, but she couldn't find the motivation to move from her position yet. Steve's light snoring made her smile as she nestled into his side more, quietly yawning and stretching her arm above her head.

There was an arm wrapped around her shoulders and one drooped over her leg as she looked at the position they slept in. No wonder she had such a good sleep, he had held her in his embrace the whole night.

When her phone began ringing once again, she thought she better go answer before someone, probably Blake, thought she was dead. It was painful scooting out of bed, not only because she had to leave her comfortable rest but because the stitches in her side felt tighter than ever. It took a few minutes to get out to the kitchen and answer whoever was hellbent on reaching her.

''Hello?'' she answered with a cough.

''Hayley? Sweetie are you alright?''

That worried voice was her mother's.

''Hey mom, yeah I'm fine,''

''I called you three times, you scared me,''

''Sorry, I left my phone in the other room and I'm a bit slow getting around these days,'' she laughed, regretting it as she felt the immediate sting. ''Was there something wrong?''

''Can't I just want to talk to my daughter?''

Hayley smiled and wished she could give her mom a tight hug that lasted hours, but for now a phone call would have to do.

* * *

Waking up, Steve instantly felt Hayley missing from beside him. For a moment his heart began racing, but he soon heard the television in the living room and could smell the warm scent of vanilla in the air.

''You're not supposed to be up,''

Hayley jumped in shock at Steve's voice behind her, almost spilling the bowl of batter in her hands.

''Jesus,'' she gasped loudly. ''Why are you so quiet?''

''I wanted to catch you in the act,'' he chuckled. ''You're gonna pull your stitches,''

''I'm being careful,'' she slowly moved to set the bowl down. ''Plus I found my waffle iron, I couldn't just _not _make waffles,''

Steve took a deep breath in to smell the freshly cooked waffles as he walked over to the bench and grabbed the bowl. Hayley stared at him in confusion before catching on to the fact he was cutting her off from duty.

''Sit,'' he told her with a playful smile. ''I'll do the rest,''

''But waffles are my specialty, I have to make them,''

''_You _have to stop moving around and remember you're injured,'' he reminded.

''But-''

Steve sat the bowl down and took a step closer to Hayley, wrapping his arms around her waist gently and lifting her onto the top of the bench to sit. It wasn't the lounge or bed where she was meant to rest, but at least she wasn't hobbling around the kitchen.

''Compromise?'' he looked at her with a smirk.

''I'll deal with it,'' she grinned back.

Steve moved back over to the waffle iron and removed two more and set them on the plate already stacked with four others. Hayley watched as picked off a piece and popped it in his mouth, looking back to her approvingly.

It was the most normal that either of them had experienced in a long time. This was how their lives were meant to be. No wars, no aliens, no nightmares. It made Hayley think that maybe this was a real possibility. Maybe her and Steve could actually be something and still have what they do now. Her biggest fear was losing him because of their feelings, having something happen and never being able to return to this.

But maybe they could work, maybe they could be happy.

''These are delicious,'' Steve mumbled happily as he took a mouthful.

''Like I said, my specialty,'' she smirked proudly. ''Care to share?''

Steve stood off to the side enjoying the waffle as Hayley sat out of reach, trying to claw her way to the plate of stacked circles but failing miserably.

''I'm going to pull my stitches if you don't give me one,'' she threatened. ''That's how hungry I am,''

Laughing and rolling his eyes, Steve took a few steps closer and pulled the plate closer for her to take her pick. Sighing happily as she took a bite, Hayley closed her eyes and enjoyed her culinary creation as Steve stared with a laugh. Even after last night, being so terrified and exhausted, she could still wake up and be so bright. After everything, she was a ray of sunshine in his life.

''Don't you wish every morning was this good?'' she asked after a few minutes of silence as they ate. ''The waffles and the sun, the company's not so bad either. It's almost per-''

Steve pressed his lips to hers before she finished her sentence, smiling into the kiss as Hayley laughed at Steve once again startling her. Then her arms were around his neck, holding him closer and moving her lips in a rhythm against his. It was unlike their other kisses which were chaste and sweet, this kiss was passionate. Without even speaking about what had happened the evening before, it seemed they both knew what they wanted.

Pulling away with a shaky breath, Steve stared at Hayley and soon saw a smile creeping onto it. It was hard not to mirror her cheeky grin.

''_Now _it is a perfect morning,''

* * *

***I Found - Amber Run**


	23. Chapter 23

_I go through all the trouble of keeping it within my walls_  
_I try to be as subtle as I can_  
_Assume that nothing needs me, all I've done defeats me_  
_It looks like you were right again_  
_And again_

* * *

They still hadn't said a word about what was going on between them. It had been two days of ignoring the subject, stealing kisses and soaking up the normality that surrounded them. However the feeling of happiness only extended as far as Hayley's apartment. The world outside was still being put back together, still cleaning up the mess from the battle they had fought.

SHIELD was busy sending out teams to help with this and dealing with the World Security Council who weren't happy with how the situation was handled. Apparently a protocol for alien invasion hadn't been set in stone at the time it happened.

''I'll be back late,'' Steve told her as he adjusted the strap on his suit. ''You sure you'll be okay?''

Hayley glanced over at him from the couch. Ever since coming back from the battle, they had been practically living together in her apartment.

''Oh whatever will I do without Captain America to fetch me my every need?'' she spoke in a high pitched voice. ''I'll be fine Steve, it's not that bad anymore, I'm allowed to walk,''

''I think the nurse said differently,'' he reminded. ''Don't push yourself, you'll just make it a longer recovery,''

Hayley watched as Steve sat down next to her and fixed his boots, making sure he was prepared for whatever SHIELD was putting him up to today. Another half-standing building, alien bodies and weapons, Captain America was up for anything.

''Be careful of falling buildings this time,'' she advised with a smirk.

''Ha ha,'' Steve shook his head. ''I'll do my best,''

They were sitting close on the couch, Steve couldn't leave without leaning forward and kissing her softly. When he pulled back, Hayley was staring at him with a smile. This was how all their kisses were.

''Is this weird?'' he asked, thinking of all the kisses they'd shared in the past few days.

''Yeah it's weird,'' she nodded. ''Good weird though, I like it,''

Steve grinned.

''Yeah, me too,''

* * *

_"Businesses in New York open their doors once again this morning following a week of non-stop cleanup in the streets. Some stores were forced to close down altogether after the damage, but the ones still operating today have vowed to provide food and shelter to anyone who is still in need of a helping hand. While we may have endured an indescribable battle, the hearts of New York have shown their strength-''_

Hayley switched off the television and stared out the window, wishing she was down there in the streets instead of up here lounging about. All she wanted to do was see what it was like out there. The last time she was on the pavement was when she was fighting off the Chitauri.

There was knock on her door that made her head whip around, wondering who would be visiting. Steve was out, Blake wasn't back yet and Coulson, well, she didn't like thinking about that.

''Miss O'Connor, it's Agent Will Lewis,''

Walking over to the door as fast as she could, Hayley worried what a SHIELD agent would be wanting with her. She was off duty for a few weeks to recover, there was nothing she could have been called out to.

''Agent,'' she nodded once she opened the door.

''Do you mind if we have a word?''

Hayley took a step back and let him into her apartment, examining the file in his hands. He was here for SHIELD business, real business. Nothing to do with the field or her recovery.

''I've taken over some of Agent Coulson's duties,'' he informed her. ''Just a temporary arrangement, but this was the first piece of action. Coulson wanted you as an agent, he even began filing forms, but it didn't get too far before the battle,''

Biting down on her lip, Hayley folded her arms and listened to the agent explain what Coulson had done for her. He had submitted review forms, trying to get her taken from field and instead go into working as an agent with a partner. He knew she wanted to go back into the field and that she was good at her job, he knew he could use her as an agent, not just a soldier in battle.

She remembered telling him she would consider it, that it was a real possibility once she was taken out of therapy and the mission was over. But everything changed as soon as the mission began. She never thought she would have to consider it without Coulson.

''You had Coulson's approval, you've got SHIELD's, the only thing you need to do is decide whether you're interested,'' he explained. ''This is a file of the paperwork Coulson's done, the blanks are for you to fill out. I know you're recovering right now, but the sooner you decide, the sooner there'll be a mission waiting for you when it's time,''

''I'm on PTSD lockout from missions, Coulson was the only reason I was approved for this one,'' she shook her head.

''When it's time, when you've decided, there'll be a revision session with your doctor and we'll go from there. That's a minor detail for now. I'll leave it with you,''

Then Agent Lewis left, Hayley still standing in the living room staring down at the file in her hands wondering what she was going to do. Before the mission she was certain she would consider becoming an agent, but now she didn't know what she wanted. Six months of fighting to get back on the field only to return on a mission that lead to the Battle of New York. It changed her. There was a lot to think about.

* * *

With a crutch beneath her arm, Hayley had managed to hobble her way down to the hall of the defense unit. It was quieter down here than usual, her whole team was out on duty helping the city or chasing down some of the many bad guys. She should have been with them. But she wasn't here to fill herself with even more guilt, she was here to pay a visit.

On the walls leading into the unit training rooms were plaques for people who had been lost on the field. Hayley glanced at all of them with a grateful expression on her face until she reached Nick O'Connor. She slowed down to a complete stop and leaned against her crutch as she smiled at his photo.

''Hey big brother,'' she whispered. ''Wish you were here,''

Nick was on the field the whole time he was with SHIELD, Hayley didn't know if he ever had plans to become an agent, he seemed to enjoy the line of work he was in and was happy to stay there. Hayley didn't want to stop working on the field, fighting like she had for years, but being an agent wouldn't be that different. It wouldn't be a big team like the defense soldiers, but she would still be on the side of the good guys.

That's all she wanted. From the moment she enlisted in the army, all she wanted was to fight for the good team, protect her country and innocent people. To do as much as she could. It was how she was brought up, the values she learnt.

If Nick was still here, she wondered what he would have done. But he was an unpredictable boy.

She missed him more than words.

* * *

After spending close to an hour down in the defense hall, Hayley was making her way back to her apartment when her phone began ringing in her pocket. She knew who it was before she even answered.

''How goes the cleanup?'' she asked, wedging her phone between her ear and shoulder as she continued on.

Only two more corridors to walk down at a slow, invalid pace.

''Messy, but over for today,'' he answered in a tired voice. ''Are you resting?''

''Oh yeah, I'm watching over-dramatic reality TV on the couch,'' she lied, hurrying her steps. ''Such a thrilling day,''

''So you actually stayed on the couch all day? Resting? Following the nurses orders?'' he questioned.

Hayley was walking as fast as she could now.

''Yeah, off my feet all day,''

''That's interesting,''

''Is it?''

Twisting her doorknob, Hayley instantly realized what was going on. It was unlocked. Steve was already there.

Standing next to the kitchen bench, Steve was leaning against the wall with one leg crossed comfortably as he stood, grinning over toward the door where Hayley was staring back at him as if she had just committed a terrible crime.

''Uh...'' Hayley mumbled, closing the door. ''Oops,''

Steve shook his head and put his phone down.

''You know, if you pull your stitches one more time the nurse will just stop coming back,'' he shrugged.

''I was fine, my stitches are fine,''

''I'm not being your warden Hayley, I just want you to realize what you've got isn't a scratch,''

''Oh believe me I know it's not, I _feel _it,'' she groaned, sitting down on the couch and letting her crutch fall to the ground. ''But I can handle it. I needed to get out of this apartment,''

''I get it, it would drive me crazy too,'' he agreed, sitting down next to her. ''Where did you go?''

''Just down to the memorial plaques,'' she told him honestly. ''I felt like visiting,''

Steve smiled and nodded, leaning back into the couch. Hayley didn't talk too much about her brother, but then again Steve didn't talk too much about everyone in his life he missed either. It was too raw to both of them yet.

Glancing over to her, Steve noticed the thoughtful look on her face.

''You okay?'' he asked.

''Oh, yeah,'' she smiled. ''Just thinking,''

''Mind if I ask?''

''I'm thinking about SHIELD,'' she sighed. ''Where I fit into it,''

''You having second thoughts about going back?''

''Sort of. Coulson was in the stages of making me an agent,'' she told him, pointing to the folder on the coffee table. ''It's up to me to finish it, if I want to,''

Steve took a moment to sit forward and look at the file, only opening the first page to see the official form. _Hayley Alexandria O'Connor._

It wasn't hard to picture her as an agent, she would be well suited to the position, but he understood her weariness. All she had done was fight with a large team out on the field. Being a soldier and an agent were two different roles, some things would change and others wouldn't. It was going to be different to all the other SHIELD experience she had.

''What do you think?'' she asked.

''It's not up to me,'' he shook his head.

''But I don't know what to do,''

''Then think it over some more, it doesn't need to be rushed,''

''I want a mission to go to when I can get back to work,'' she sighed. ''But...maybe I need to move on. I like my team, I like my unit, but knowing that everyone looks at me and still sees Nick...it makes me feel like I've stayed too long, I don't belong there

Steve took a moment before responding.

''If Nick was here and you asked him what to do, what would he say?''

Hayley smiled.

''I've been thinking about that all day. He'd probably tell me to stop overthinking it and just pick whatever stands out the most to me,''

''So what stands out to you?''

After a moment, Hayley let out a long sigh and answered.

''I want to be on the field, that's all. I want to keep fighting, I want to do what I joined SHIELD to do,'' she explained.

''Sounds like you haven't made your mind up,'' Steve smiled.

''Oh well, between daily visits from the nurse and your constant reminder of my stitches I think I'll have plenty of time to think it over,'' she sighed.

* * *

A few nights later there was a storm. Thunder, lightning, raging wind, the whole package. Steve had been with SHIELD on duty all day and so far he hadn't woken up from his position on the couch, but Hayley was wide awake. She had been awake since the first crack of thunder jolted her from sleep, her heart pounding with fear.

Her nightmares had gotten better over time, but the thunder always reminded her of bombs and explosions, that would never fade away after being on the field. That was something a soldier carried forever.

Hayley sat on the wide window bench and watched people in the streets below and the rain poured down, but when the next rumble of thunder hit, she immediately heard Steve's panicked breaths and he sat up from his pillow. Hayley turned her gaze toward him to see Steve rushing toward her room, most likely to make sure whatever had woken him was only a dream.

''Hey, hey, it's okay,'' she called over to him. ''I'm right here, everything's okay,''

Steve's chest was heaving as he realized that it was just a storm, nothing was after them, there was no danger. Hayley could see that his forehead was glistening with beads of sweat and his hand were shaking. She hated seeing him like this. She knew what the dreams felt like, but she tended to have them more than he did, she didn't see him like this often.

Since the battle, Steve had only suffered one nightmare and luckily Hayley was sitting on the couch when he woke up. He had fallen asleep during a movie and Hayley stayed with him the rest of the night. Their recovery relied heavily on one another.

''Come here,'' Hayley ordered, pulling her legs in close so he could sit beside her.

Steve walked over, still trying to ease his breathing, and looked out the window and the people down on the streets.

''What are they doing?'' he asked.

''It hasn't rained in a while,'' she shrugged. ''And it's a Saturday, they're probably all in a rather happy state,''

Hayley felt Steve rest beside her, his eyes looking down at the wet streets, leaves blowing down the roads and rain hammering down. It was nowhere near as violent as the storm they were both caught in a while ago, but it was loud enough to keep his nerves on edge.

''Hey,'' Hayley gained his attention, reaching her hand out for him to take.

His hand was warm and shaky, but she held it in her steady palm and tried to calm him down. His body was trying to adjust to the fact there was no battle to go into, there was no danger around for him to fight in.

''Don't think I haven't forgotten about our Coney Island date,'' she smiled. ''When these stitches are out, that's our first call, okay?''

Steve looked over at her with a look of admiration.

''You always use Coney Island to take my mind off things,''

''It works, doesn't it?'' she pointed out. ''I'm gonna kick your ass in the arcade Rogers,''

Steve chuckled and turned back to the window. They may not have been a normal pair like everyone down on the streets, it may have been a Saturday and they were fast asleep, they may have worked for a security organization protecting everyone out there and they may have suffered nightmares that made them stay awake and sit in silence holding hands, but neither of them complained.

They were all they needed.


	24. Chapter 24

_If you love somebody, anybody_  
_Take the time for yourself_  
_Read it in their eyes, know it deep inside_  
_Gotta make it right for yourself_

* * *

_''Today may mark three weeks since the horrific Battle of New York but the consequences are still raw in the eyes of the citizens and the world. The extreme destruction is far from reaching any sort of reconstruction and family members from all over the world are still searching for their loved ones who were caught up in the deadly attack...''_

Hayley's eyes were fixed on the television screen, listening to the same news segment she had heard earlier that morning. Images of falling buildings, injured citizens and screaming crowds flashed before her, taking her right back to the moments she shared with the Chitauri army. But it wasn't those memories that hurt her, it was the fact that for three weeks she hadn't been able to help at all. She would always feel guilty for that.

''You've gotta be in medical in 20 minutes Hayles, turn the damn TV off,'' Blake instructed from behind the couch.

''Huh?'' she asked in a dazed voice, unaware of anything he had just said.

Blake grabbed the remote from beside her and switched the screen off, earning himself a look of confusion from his friend. It had only been a few days since Blake had been back from his break and he could already see that being stuck in this apartment had turned Hayley into a news-junkie. A news-junkie obsessed with torturing herself over the same thing again and again.

''You're gonna drive yourself crazy O'Connor,'' he sighed.

''Steve told me SHIELD was backing off on ground support,'' she turned to her friend. ''Why? Three weeks cleanup is nowhere near enough,''

''SHIELD's dealing with the World Security Council's latest tantrum about the whole thing. They've got teams studying the Chitauri weapons and scanning for any left out there, but they can't put cleanup as their priority for too long,''

''Too long? Three weeks is nothing compared to how long it's going to take to rebuild anything here,'' she argued, standing up.

''Hayley, SHIELD is a security organization. We help cleanup as much as we can but we're kinda dealing with the fallout of an alien invasion here,'' Blake explained. ''We've got other teams helping out still, we're not abandoning them,''

That's definitely what it sounded like to Hayley.

''We can go back and forth later alright, you've got an appointment,''

Hayley drooped her arms by her side, a frown on her lips as she groaned in protest. The last thing she felt like doing today was visiting a SHIELD doctor with their needles and prodding, she was beyond tired of it. They had been worried that the alien beam that hit her would cause a foreign infection, but she had been very lucky with her recovery. Luckier than many others, and now it was time to move on from being the invalid.

* * *

Walking without having multiple stitches in her side was much more freeing that Hayley imagined it would be. There was still a slight tinge of pain as she moved, but compared to how it had been the past few weeks, she was perfectly fine. Steve had told her he wasn't sure if the nurse would take the stitches out because of the two times she managed to pull them, and Hayley couldn't wait to tell him he was wrong.

''How's it feel?'' Blake asked as they walked down the long corridor.

''Normal,'' Hayley shrugged.

''After all those weeks of complaining I would have expected a more triumphant answer,'' he shook his head. ''Do you feel like lunch? You probably haven't eaten real food since I've been away,''

Hayley scoffed and nudged Blake's shoulder, a frown on her face.

''Pizza has many health benefits,'' she informed him. ''And can we stop talking about me? You've been back for three days and all you've done is fuss over me. Tell me about your trip, how's Laura, when are you heading back out?''

Blake took a deep breath and chuckled at how many questions she wanted answers to. He had many a lot of big decisions while away on his break from SHIELD. Blake had to get his mind back together after Loki had possessed him, he needed to have something normal for a while, step away from the guns and aliens. Today he had planned on sitting down with his best friend and talking about what he was going to do next.

''How about we sit down for an actual meal and we'll talk about all of it?''

Hayley considered his offer, looking up at him as if he was forgetting to add another detail.

''I'll pay,'' he rolled his eyes.

''Well since you've insisted,''

The restaurant Blake chose was quite far from the SHIELD building, out of the zone of destruction caused by the battle. Which meant as they walked along the crowded footpath, Hayley witnessed the damage for the first time since that day. Her feet walked over tiny shards of debris that had been missed by the sweeper, she stared at the empty cafes and little corner shops that once held busy lines of customers and packed tables.

The smell of paint was fresh in the air, but there were barely any locations that were fit for repainting just yet. They were still in the middle of accepting their damage and Hayley's heart broke for them.

''They're gonna be okay,'' Blake told her, seeing the pain her eyes as she looked at every shop they passed.

''SHIELD's not helping anymore,'' she shook her head. ''They're on their own,''

''SHIELD helped them get to this point, they can take over now,''

''It's not fair,''

''None of what happened is fair on anyone Hayley,'' Blake told her firmly.

The memory of Blake's ordeal was fresh in her mind then, instantly making her feel guilty for acknowledging everyone else's pain over his. Mind control wasn't something that could be recovered from quickly, Hayley just didn't know how to approach it.

When they finally sat down in the restaurant, Hayley could see the toll that all of this had taken on Blake. He poured himself a glass of water, slipped a pill between his lips and chased it down in a matter of seconds. Medication was never for her, but as long as it stopped Blake from feeling like she did, she was more than happy to see him getting help.

''I'm sorry,'' she spoke softly. ''For what happened to you, for not getting you back sooner,''

''Loki was the ass who did this to me, not you,'' he shook his head. ''And you got me back just in time. I just wish I could have some footage of that fight,''

Hayley laughed, running her fingers through her hair and leaning back in the chair.

''Seeing me kick your ass would have kept you up all night,''

''Yeah, well, I wasn't on top of my game,''

It was in the middle of the meal that Blake decided to bring up what he had been hoping to speak to her about. Hayley was busy twirling pasta onto her fork when Blake sat his down on the side of his plate, taking a deep breath.

''So I want to talk to you about something,'' he began.

Hayley paused with her fork in the middle of her pasta, looking up at him with a look of alert and worry.

''You're using that voice,'

''What voice?''

''The one you use for serious conversations,'' she clarified. ''What's going on?''

''Laura got offered a full time job in San Francisco. She only told me a few days before I was leaving, she didn't want it to ruin my visit,'' he explained. ''She's been studying medicine for years, there's no way she can't take this job, it's too good. But she way already too far for liking when she was in Jacksonville. California is too far, I can't be that far from her, not after everything that's happened,''

Hayley slowly chewed on her pasta, absorbing all of Blake's words. She knew that he and Laura were serious about one another, but she didn't know he wasn't handling the long-distance so bad. Blake was always so good at this stuff, he prioritized and made time for everyone important in his life. But after almost losing his life, she could see how that all changed.

''So what's going to happen?'' she asked, fully invested in the situation now.

''I'm going with her to California,''

There was a long moment of silence, Hayley once again pausing as her fork twisted in the pasta. It was as if she couldn't comprehend his words, she couldn't digest their meaning. Blake was always in New York, this was his base, this was his home.

''You're...you're leaving?'' she asked in a soft, uneasy voice. ''Forever?''

''I love her Hayley,'' he sighed. ''Me, I can work anywhere. SHIELD is everywhere, I'll be fine. But this is her dream job and I can't stay here while she's there, I have to be with her,''

Hayley could feel her breathing becoming faster, her thoughts scrambling. No matter what angle she looked at this from, she couldn't think straight. Nothing would make her happier than to see Blake with Laura living the perfect life together, but she hadn't been without Blake since her brother died, he was her family. Without Blake she could go back to being the miserable day drinker she was a few months ago, she could waste everything she had worked towards, she could go backwards again.

But all of that was her own problem. She would never let herself be so selfish as to tell him not to go, to burden him with all of her problems. Blake had a happy future in front of him, there was no way she was going to stand in the way of it.

''Okay,'' she told him with an unconvincing nod.

Blake frowned slightly, reaching over to put his hand on top of hers.

''Hey, you don't need me here,'' he encouraged. ''You've turned into the strongest person I know, nothing I do is going to make you any better, you've done amazingly these past few months. I'll always be a phone call away and I would get on a plane for you whenever you need,''

''I know,'' she smiled, feeling her eyes begin to fill with tears. ''I'll just miss you. I'll miss you so much,''

* * *

Steve had been to Hayley's apartment two times that day and hadn't seen her once. He knew Blake was coming by to take her to get her stitches out, but he was sure they would have been back before late afternoon. But he didn't call her, he didn't want to interrupt whatever was going on. Blake knew nothing about Steve and Hayley's relationship, how it changed over the past few weeks or how they weren't evening discussing it. It was between him and Hayley and that's the way they wanted it.

When it hit six, Steve tried again. If she wasn't home this time, he was going to be officially worried.

A few knocks on the door and there was no reply, but that wasn't overly unusual. Hayley was sometimes too drawn in to the evening news or taking a shower, so he tried the doorknob and was relieved when he was able to walk in and see her curled up on the couch.

''Hey,'' he smiled, shutting the door behind him. ''How'd it go today?''

Hayley didn't say anything in return out of fear he would hear she was upset, but it was a useless effort when he turned around and saw her looking miserable. A soft frown on her lips, no television on, no noise, just sitting in a dark living room on her own.

''What's wrong?'' he asked immediately, walking closer and kneeling down in front of her. ''Hayley? Was is a nightmare? Are you in pain?''

''No,'' she shook her head, rubbing her tired eyes.

Steve stared back at her in confusion, trying desperately to find out what was happening. Normally when he saw she was upset he could guess what was wrong quite easily, but right now he was at a loss.

''Hayley,'' he reached up to cup her cheek. ''Talk to me,''

Hayley laid her hand on top of his, feeling his smooth skin and letting her face lean into his touch.

''Blake's leaving,'' she told him with a sad voice. ''He's moving to California, he's not gonna be here anymore,''

Steve understood now. Her best friend was leaving the city, leaving her day-to-day life, for the first time since she lost her brother. It wasn't hard to see why she was having such difficulty accepting it, but it hurt Steve to see her so upset about something he couldn't do anything about.

Steve moved to sit next to her on the couch, moving closer to wrap his arm around her shoulder. Soon enough Hayley turned and cuddled into his side, resting her head on his chest as he put his other arm around her too, holding her close and pulling the blanket over them both.

''I just need to be sad for a minute,'' she told him. ''I'll be fine,''

Steve pressed a kiss to her forehead.

''Take as long as you need, I'm not going anywhere,''

* * *

_Body - Karen O_


	25. Chapter 25

_The more I want in, the more I want in_

_The less I know, the less I know_  
_But I'm forgotten, I'm forgotten_  
_I'll be alone, I'll be alone, I'll be alone_  
_With everybody watching me_

* * *

The scar on her side would probably never go away, but it seemed fitting since the memories of that day wouldn't either. It was always going to be there. But she would settle for the faded purple scar than the swollen, bruised stitches she had put up with for all those weeks. Looking in the mirror after stepping out of the shower never ended well for Hayley, always finding something to worry over or huff about.

Today was the first step in getting back into field work. Training had to be a daily activity if she wanted to work as soon as possible, she had to be back in top condition. This time she wasn't going to let her last mission stop her from going back. But she still didn't know where she would be going back to.

Before the mission that killed her brother, Hayley wanted to be an agent. She wanted to work more complex missions, she wanted to work in a different field to the one she had known for so long. But when her brother died, the field became a place where she knew she would be fighting for him, doing what he was when he took his last breath. All she wanted was for him to be proud of her.

Zipping up her black hoodie over her gym clothes, Hayley pulled a baseball cap over her messy ponytail and threw her bag over her shoulder as she walked out of her apartment. Outside, people crowded the pavement as usual. Briefcases in hand, cellphones to their ears, it was almost like the battle hadn't happened at all. But it only took walking a few streets away to realize that the damage was still very much present in the neighborhood.

An elderly man walked outside of his small corner shop and readied himself to lift a large cart full of tiles, making Hayley hurry her steps to meet him before he broke his back attempting it on his own.

''Let me help,'' she insisted, setting her bag down and immediately going to the other end of the crate.

''Oh, if you don't mind,'' the man smiled, reaching down with her to lift the heavy delivery.

As soon as the crate was lifted above knee level, Hayley could feel the intense pain in her side again. It felt like it was burning, like her stitches were being ripped out again. The muscles hadn't fully healed, but Hayley couldn't stand being useless any longer.

The slow walk into the store seemed to take longer than just two minutes, but eventually they were able to set down the crate and take a deep breath. The old man sat back onto a chair to catch his breath while Hayley bent down slightly, desperate to take the pressure off the bruises on her side.

''Are you alright dear?'' he asked, noticing her pain.

''I'm fine,'' she shook her head, giving him a forced smile. ''Don't go lifting any of that on you own, okay?''

''I'm afraid I might not be able to even if I tried,'' he sighed, disappointed in himself.

Hayley looked around the store, noticing the new glass in the windows and the bare floor which had been ripped up from the damage. Smashed cabinets sat in the corners and dust floated in the air. Falling debris had his these streets hard.

''How long have you had this place?'' Hayley asked the man.

''I worked here as a boy, it was my father's store and it's been mine now for the last 36 years,'' he announced proudly. ''We've had damage before, but never like this,''

Just seeing the man look around his store made Hayley's guilt over the battle swarm back to her. She wished that these people didn't have to suffer because of what Loki brought onto them. She wished SHIELD helped more, but it was too late to think of that now.

''Do you need any help?''

''Oh no, my son will be here soon,'' the man shook his head. ''Go on with your day darling, thank you very much,''

Walking out to the pavement to pick up her bag again, Hayley looked around at everything else on this street. Still operating, despite the fallout of the battle, and that made her feel the tiniest bit better.

* * *

Hayley's eyes stung from the droplets of sweat than ran into them. She had been hitting the bag in front of her repeatedly for the last two hours, alternating between punches and kicks. Granted, the kicks happened less often then the punches due to the pain they caused, but she made sure she done at least fifty of them. The only way she was going to get rid of the pain was by building up her muscle again, not resting as suggested. She had been doing that for long enough.

The only noise that echoed through the gym were the hits against the bag and Hayley's heavy breaths. Which may have been why she was so startled when Steve's voice rang through the room.

''Take it easy,'' he warned, no hint of joking in his voice as he walked closer.

''What do you think I've _been _doing?''

''Your stitches have been out for less than a week, I can't imagine doing any of this is feeling too good,''

Hayley didn't say a word, knowing he was already aware of how it was feeling. For the past few weeks when Steve had finished up his SHIELD business for the day, he was normally wearing either his suit or a grey t-shirt with SHIELD's emblem on it. He was officially part of the highest tact crew in the organization, which seemed to encourage Hayley to get back into fighting shape even sooner. She hated being the disadvantage.

''I've had about a month of doing nothing, I need to train,'' she shook her head, her breath unsteady as she steadied herself, hands on her knees. ''I want to get back to work,''

''I know that, but it's not worth hurting yourself over,'' he shook his head.

''Steve, everyone I know is moving on. You're part of SHIELD's team now and I'm proud of you for that, but I can't stand you working all day to help everyone and then coming home to tell me I'm doing too much just by walking to the kitchen,'' she admit sincerely. ''And now Blake's...he's gonna be gone in a few days and I don't know what I'm meant to do or where I'm meant to go,''

''What do you mean?'' Steve asked quietly, letting her vent.

''I don't know where my place is anymore,'' she shook her head, letting her arms hang heavily by her sides. ''I worked so long and hard to get back into the field and when I got there it wasn't how I remembered. I didn't have my partner, I didn't have my brother by my side. I've made my peace with his death as much as I can, but...maybe I shouldn't go back to the field, maybe that isn't my job anymore,''

Steve understood where she was coming from now. Everyone seemed to be stepping up to new things and Hayley was staying in the one spot, dealing with the same issues and being haunted by the same memories. The field was her zone, she knew how to work in there and she had done it for so long, but it wasn't the same anymore after everything that happened. If anyone understood what she was meaning, it was definitely Steve.

''You don't have to prove anything to anyone Hayley,'' he shook his head, reaching out to put his hands on her shoulders. ''Not to Blake, not to SHIELD and especially not to me,''

''I'm not trying to prove myself,''

''I know, I just want you to know that,'' he clarified. ''I know what it's like to go back to something you knew so well only for it to be completely different to what you remember,''

Hayley sighed and leaned forward, resting her head on his chest. Here she was complaining about fieldwork being different to what she remembered when Steve literally came back to a completely new world. Nothing was familiar to him, but he adjusted.

''This is stupid, I'm being stupid,'' she shook her head.

''You're not being stupid,'' Steve rejected, moving back to she would tilt her head up to look at him. ''Listen, this is your life, no one else's. Don't make choices for them, don't do anything for them. This is all you, Hayley. What do you want to do?''

Staring up at him speechless, Hayley thought to herself about all her options. Maybe it was because of how the battle changed her opinion on SHIELD and she wanted to be a part of doing something more, something better, or because she didn't have the same feeling in the field as she used to, but being there talking to Steve about all of it, Hayley's mind was suddenly made up.

''I want to complete the process,'' she announced. ''I want to be an agent,''

* * *

Blake watched as Hayley picked off pieces from her burger and munched on them miserably. She hadn't even touched her chocolate shake yet and that's how Blake knew just how bad of a mood she was in. It was only a few hours until his flight left and he wanted to spend all the time he could with Hayley before he had to leave, but it wasn't going well.

''Not hungry?'' he asked, breaking the silence.

''Not really,''

''Come on Hayley. I'll see you next month and your parent's anniversary, I'm a phone call away and there's always Skype,''

Hayley sighed and sat down her fork, giving up on pushing fries all around her plate with no intention on eating them at all. Of course there were ways to reach Blake whenever they needed one another, but that wasn't the point. She wasn't sad that he was going off to start a normal life with Laura, she wasn't sad that he was going to move away because she knew he was going to be happy. What upset her the most was when someone turned her doorknob or knocked on the door in the middle of the night, she knew it wasn't going to be her best friend.

''You were wrong when you said I don't need you anymore,'' Hayley told him. ''I might not need your help anymore, but I'll always need my best friend Blake, and it really bums me out to know I can't call you to come over for pizza and complain with me until midnight anymore,''

Blake was going to miss all of that too, but he a whole new life to start soon, and that didn't mean that he and Hayley wouldn't be just as close as they were now. If she thought he wouldn't be calling her at all hours to complain about a TV show they like or about a game they took a bet on, she was very wrong. Blake was going to miss her just as much as she would miss him, in fact he was sure he would miss her more than she imagined.

''Don't get too sappy on me O'Connor,'' he teased, lightly kicking her foot under the table. ''I bet I can annoy you just as much across the country as I can here,''

''I wouldn't bet against that actually,'' she laughed. ''I'm gonna miss you so much,''

''Well, I'm a lovable guy, I don't blame you,''

* * *

Hayley stood by as Blake and Steve said their goodbyes to one another. It was nice to see how close they had become over the past few months as well. They were both very alike when Hayley thought about it. They believed in the same thing, they stood up against what they thought was wrong and they were always there for the people they cared about. They were good men.

Steve extended his hand to Blake and shook it as if they were signing off on a mission, proudly saying farewell to one another.

''You take care of her,'' Blake told him.

''Always will,'' Steve assured. ''You take care of yourself and Laura, stay safe. I wish you the best Agent Blake,''

''You too Cap,'' Blake smiled.

Once they stepped apart, it was Hayley's turn.

There was nothing more either of them could say. Hayley swung her arms over Blake's shoulders and hugged him as tight as she could as he did the same, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek and holding her for a few moments. They would see each other again soon, but it didn't make saying goodbye any easier.

Hayley moved back after a moment with tears threatening to spill over, but she did her best to hold them back.

''I'm feeling it, the moment calls for it,'' Blake suggested.

''Oh, no, no,'' Hayley shook her head, a smile overtaking her expression. ''You're not going to space Blake, it's not the_ Armageddon_ moment,''

''But it is! Come on! Who knows next time we're standing beside a jet? How many times did we watch that movie Hayley? We _have _to!''

''You're a terrible singer Blake-''

''All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go,'' Blake cut in, singing loudly against her protest. ''I'm standing here outside your door. I'd hate to wake you up to say goodbye,''

Blake pointed to Hayley then, causing her to break out in laughter once again. Steve stood next to her looking between the two friends in confusion, wondering what they were singing and why it was seemed relevant.

''But the dawn in breaking, it's early morn','' Hayley sang back reluctantly. ''The taxi's waiting, he's blowing his horn,''

''Already I'm so lonesome I could die,'' Blake chuckled. ''So kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you'll wait for me. Hold me like you'll never let me go. Okay you gotta sing with me now O'Connor,''

Hayley smiled and let the tears run now, singing along with her best friend.

''I'm leaving on a jet a plane, don't know when I'll be back again, Oh babe, I hate to go,''


	26. Chapter 26

_I finally was awake_  
_Like water to my face_  
_I'd finally found my place_  
_I'd never be the same_

* * *

''Please don't tell me you didn't like it because it's not _believable,_'' Hayley groaned, watching as the credits began to roll on the television.

''I never said I didn't like it,'' Steve defended, sprawled out lazily beside her on the couch. ''I just don't get the hype around it,''

''_Jurassic Park _is a cult classic, I can't believe you. This has put a serious dent in our friendship,''

Steve rolled his eyes and laughed at how dramatic she was being. It was nice the have spent the evening with her just watching a movie. It reminded him of their nights spent together when they first met, just becoming friends over their little arguments about films. Hayley wanted to show Steve all the important movies he had missed, but it normally ended in an fit of laughter over all of the references Steve didn't understand yet.

It was the first evening that they both had free. Hayley had signed numerous forms that week and attended a number of briefings with Coulson's replacement, digesting all of the necessary information needed to begin any work as an agent. Coulson's faith in her sped things up slightly, but in the end it was down to SHIELD's tests that determined where she started in this new field of work.

''Oh, well if that's how you feel maybe I'll take the rest of the pizza and be on my way,'' he teased.

Hayley all but leaped from her side of the couch over to him, landing on top of Steve before he could reach out to the pizza box on the living room table. Steve then grabbed her arms, securing her within his grip as he sat up, Hayley now sitting on top of him, unwilling to give up.

''Are you testing my strength?'' Hayley asked suspiciously.

''Just seeing how all that training is going,'' he smirked.

''I bet I can escape Captain America's grip in less than a minute,''

Before Steve had a chance to ask how she planned to do so, Hayley leaned in and kissed him with a force that pushed him down onto the couch on his back. His hands were still gripping Hayley's shoulders as she ran her hand along his jaw, resting just above his chest. Her lips moved softly, but Steve could feel the urgency in the kiss, parting his lips and sliding his hands down to her waist.

Neither of them had spoken about how their relationship had changed since moving to a slightly more romantic stage, but right now as Steve's hands began to move into her hair, it marked the furthest they had been from friendship.

As their lips remained locked together, Hayley slid her hands up to wrap around Steve's, pulling them down to pin beside his face. Hayley broke away then with a sly grin, looking back at Steve's flustered and breathless expression.

''Told ya,'' she chuckled.

''You, uh, cheated,'' Steve retorted in a shaky breath.

''Well, you didn't say I couldn't,''

Before anything could become uncomfortable, neither of them knew how to continue a conversation after that, Hayley's phone began buzzing and ringing on the table. For a brief moment she thought about ignoring it, but eventually climbed off the couch and took her phone out of the room to talk.

Steve was still laying back on the couch trying to catch his breath as he heard Hayley greet whoever was calling, his mind far from who it could be. Steve's experience with romance had been limited to a few kisses with Hayley over the past few weeks and he had only just become comfortable with touching her waist. What just happened between the two of them was much more than he expected.

There was no denying the feelings he had for Hayley, but in regards to a relationship, Steve had no idea what he should be doing. He was from a time where people dated before kissing, where the guy walked the girl to her door at the end of the night and maybe received a peck on the cheek. And that was only from what Steve saw in movies and heard from people his age. Steve never dated, and right now he was just as clueless as that young boy in Brooklyn.

A few minutes later, Steve was sitting upright on the couch watching the news when Hayley walked back into the room, throwing herself down next to him with a yawn. It was clear that what just happened was, again, not going to be discussed.

''I forgot how mother-like my mom actually is,'' Hayley laughed, shaking her head.

''Everything okay?''

''Yeah, just reminding me that it's three weeks until the anniversary party and to make sure I don't show up in cargo pants and a t-shirt like their last anniversary,''

Steve laughed at her roll of the eyes.

''Did you forget it was a party?''

''I was late, as usual. Oh and she called to remind me not to be late,'' Hayley chuckled at the reminder. ''And I have to make sure that Mr Steve Rogers receives the invitation,''

Steve stuttered for words then, pointing to himself as if he was questioning who she was referring to. This was the O'Connor's anniversary, it had nothing to do with him, he had never met them. The last thing he wanted to do was intrude on such a special occasion.

''They...they invited me to their anniversary?'' he asked, confused.

''They want to meet you,'' Hayley assured. ''Blake's told them all about you. Nick idolized Captain America and I know your legend played a big part in my dad enlisting,''

''They want to meet Captain America,''

''No, they want to meet Steve Rogers. The guy who helped me be myself again, who took care of me after the battle,'' she clarified. ''It'd mean a lot to them, and to me,''

Steve thought about facing a crowd full of people and being expected to be the man they read comic books about and traded cards over. It was hard enough having the whole world already holding him to such high expectations, he didn't want to disappoint anyone. When Steve was with Hayley, Captain America didn't exist. It was just Steve Rogers, the same kid from Brooklyn.

''I'm not gonna make you go,'' Hayley sighed, reaching over to place her hand on his shoulder. ''Just know, my parents asked if Steve Rogers would like to come, not Captain America. Because that's who my friend is and that's who I tell my mom about and that's who I want them to know,''

A smile crept onto Steve's lips as he took in her words. Everyday Hayley said things that made him wonder how he was lucky enough to be considered a friend to her,.

''You tell your mom about me?'' he asked with a soft grin.

Hayley rolled her eyes and stood up from the couch, picking up a pillow to throw in his face as she walked toward the kitchen.

* * *

It had been quite some time since Hayley shared the room with Dr Rafferty. The first thing she noticed about his office was that he had acquired a new clock. The older one was much easier to see, this one was smaller and the numbers required you to squint. It made you really work toward counting down however long you had to spend in here.

''How have you been Private O'Connor?'' the doctor asked, folding one leg over the other and opened a new page in his notebook.

''I assume we're talking post-alien battle here,''

''Well, yes,'' he nodded, fixing his glasses. ''I understand you were injured,''

''Barely, but yes. Nothing a few stitches couldn't fix,'' Hayley told him with a light smile, desperately trying to show him it didn't bother her now.

Dr Rafferty stared back at her, analyzing her movements and the way she expressed her words. Hayley hated therapists, they always had a motive when they asked a question and it was such a high stress environment. Every word had to be carefully thought about before being spoken.

''You're here because you want to be an agent,'' he cleared his throat, changing the topic. ''Being cleared by me is the last step to that, correct?''

Hayley really hated this.

''It seems that way,''

''During your last visit with me I believe you were coming to terms with your diagnosis,'' Rafferty continued coolly. ''You haven't accepted prescriptions so I can't imagine sleep has been easy for you these past few months. Reviewing your file here, no PTSD workshops or sessions and no therapy. So, how are you feeling?''

Blood was beginning to draw from Hayley's lip where she was biting down. The way Rafferty spoke to her brought out all of her anxiety, it caused her more stress and anger than any of effects of her PTSD.

''I'm feeling great, honestly,'' she told him in a calm voice. ''Physically and mentally better than ever,''

''How have you coped without my recommended approaches?''

''I faced everything that scared me. I've got good friends, guess I just needed to stop doing it alone,'' she shrugged. ''I'm back to who I was before all of this. Not entirely, but almost''

Dr Raffery, for the first time in all her visits, gave Hayley a genuine smile of admiration. It wasn't a mocking smile, one that let her think he believed her words. It was a real and satisfied grin.

''Your assignment with Steve Rogers played a big part in your recovery, didn't it?'' he asked.

Hayley thought carefully about her words, not wanting to drag Steve into this, but wanting Rafferty to understand that she had definitely changed because of him.

''It did, yes. Being with someone who can relate to what I was going through, granted not to Mr Rogers extent, helped more than I thought,'' she admit.

''Accepting help isn't easy, but I'm glad it worked out for you,'' Rafferty nodded, scribbling something down in his notepad. ''Now, let's talk ways we can continue this positive growth you've gone through,''

* * *

Another day, another meeting with a shield officer. Becoming an agent was a tiresome and lengthy journey. Within just the week, Hayley had been in multiple offices on various levels of the building talking to higher ranks, forgetting names as soon as she walked out the door. All Hayley wanted was a mission, somewhere to begin.

Today was her final meeting, the final step in becoming Agent O'Connor. Being on the field for so many years took out a few of the tests that would normally be administered. But being in the field didn't give her a clear path to becoming an agent, it only took away a few of the hurdles.

''Agent Lewis,'' Hayley stood, extending her hand to the man who walked into the room.

''Hayley O'Connor,'' the man smiled, letting out a long sigh as he sat down across the table. ''It is good to finally see you again. Had me worried you weren't going to hand in that application,''

''Well it took a while but I eventually made my mind up,''

''It's a tough choice between the two fields. I worked in the defense unit during my first years, learned tactics that have helped me through my whole career,'' the man smiled, folding his arms as he leaned back into his chair. ''Now, I've received all your papers back from higher up and you've been cleared,''

Hayley blinked a few times, her gaze moving from the file on the table to Lewis' eyes. Every test she had done, every interview and questioning she sat through, she had passed them all. She was fit for duty.

''You look surprised,'' Lewis noticed.

''I'm just trying to take it all in,'' Hayley shook her head. ''It's not every day you're told you can be an agent,''

''Well you've deserved your day,'' he assured. ''But you'll be starting on a few smaller missions and then those will get reviewed for future operation and so on. Your first assignment will be coming up two weeks from now. Details will be discussed further on of course when we appoint a partner,''

''Partner?'' Hayley asked, confused. ''I didn't think the smaller missions required partners,''

Blake had filled Hayley in on almost everything about being an agent. She had been with him through the whole thing, she knew how it worked.

''We always appoint a partner for an agent's first mission, whether they work as a team or covertly, just in case anything goes wrong. Your first mission however does require two agents as it requires some undercover work and the assumption of a new identity,''

''Huh, kind of feels like a spy movie,'' Hayley chuckled, unable to hold back her inner thoughts.

''It does, but this is no movie, it's all real,'' he warned. ''In the meantime, I'd like you to use the SHIELD training facilities. I'll be assigning an agent to run through what you should be focusing on. You'll be hearing from me Agent O'Connor,''

Hayley nodded in understanding and appreciation, standing up and leaving as if she had just been briefed as a soldier. But she wasn't a Private any more. Agent O'Connor sounded funny in her head, but when Lewis called her Agent, Hayley was actually proud of herself, and she knew Nick would be too.

* * *

*_Never Be The Same - The Rubens_

**PLEASE REVIEW :)**


	27. Chapter 27

_I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go_

_Where the wind don't change_  
_And nothing in the ground can ever grow_  
_No hope, just lies_  
_And you're taught to cry in your pillow_  
_But I'll survive_

* * *

Benjamin Flynn had been a SHIELD field agent for almost two years. He was trained in all tactical elements and had skills that easily helped him make his mark in the organization quickly. He could speak four languages and had all the characteristics and skills of a professional spy. At 5' 10", brown hair and brown eyes in a tailored suit, Benjamin looked more like a wealthy young bachelor than Hayley's partner.

This was her first mission, they were only just starting to go over the details, and already Hayley felt like she wouldn't even be needed. If this man was so good, she couldn't imagine how unfit for this position she would seem in comparison.

''You'll fly out on the 11th, in two days, to Berlin. There is a large reception for the wealthiest and brightest independent researchers. There will be a man there named Koenraad Hardtman who we believe to be holding numerous files on alien experimentation. During New York, Hardtman was able to recruit a group who collected samples from deceased Chitauri soldiers. Hardtman resides in an extremely secure mansion and the only way in is if you're in his company. Your job is to find a way in, get into his computing system, take the files and get out,''

Hayley and Benjamin sat in silence listening to their instructions before Lewis began to explain an aspect they were both interested in; their covers.

''You will attend the reservation as Martin and Rachelle Davis, wealthy investors interested in Hardtman's work,'' Lewis explained. ''The way you approach getting your invitation into his home is up to you,''

''A married couple trying to get invited back to a bachelor's mansion?'' Hayley questioned.

''Like I said, the approach is up to you two. Read the situation, make the call, get the job done,''

Placing two files on the table, one in front of Hayley and one Benjamin, Lewis excused himself from his office to attend another matter. The two new partners now sat in the room in silence, both reaching for their files and reading through the few pages inside.

Background information on Hardtman, a layout of his mansion, key points to address about his work and information about the drug that was to be used to subdue the man while they erased the files from his possession.

''Well, I'll see you in two days then,'' Benjamin finally spoke, standing to turn toward the door.

''Shouldn't we talk tactic?''

''That's what the plane ride is for. Try to pack clothes that are more...appealing. Also find something alluring to wear for the reception, maybe have SHIELD deliver something, I'm not sure if I trust your taste yet,'' he explained, pushing the door open before looking back at her quickly. ''Oh and don't be late for the jet, I can't stand tardiness,''

Hayley's mouth was dangling open as Benjamin walked out of the room, leaving the door open so his exit could be witnessed by his new partner. There was only one word that summed up how Hayley felt about that man and through her gritted teeth she whispered.

''Asshole,''

* * *

Reaching for the newest box of Cheerios in the cupboard, Hayley sat them down on the counter and ripped the bag open, dipping her hand inside and beginning to munch on the dry cereal. In long pajama pants and a black tank top, she looked as if she had been sleeping all day. But after her early morning meeting with Lewis and Benjamin Flynn, Hayley had to take herself to the gym in order to work off all her frustration.

A long shower when she came home at four that afternoon made her feel a thousand times better, but when Steve arrived and asked how her day had gone, all that anger and annoyance just flared up again. There was very little that Hayley was able to say about the mission she had been assigned, but she couldn't help herself from complaining about the company.

''I don't know how I'm going to stand that guy,'' she huffed, jumping over the back of the couch to sit beside Steve. ''I can tell I'm going to end up punching him at some point,''

''Maybe he's just bad at first impressions,'' Steve offered.

''No way, this guy is a professional dick,''

Another handful of Cheerios went into Hayley's mouth as she shook her head just remembering her only encounter with the man. In general, people always got on Hayley's nerves. But not like this. This guy knew he was being an ass and it seemed like that's just who he was, which meant that was the personality that Hayley was going to have to deal with on this mission.

''First mission and I get paired with the worst partner,''

''I thought he was one of SHIELD's best?''

''Well it seems all that praise has gone to his head. Ugh, why can't you be my partner?''

Steve happened to like that idea. But SHIELD felt Captain America suited larger field operations, not minor missions or discrete infiltration. Steve Rogers was recognizable now. The whole country had seen his face that day in New York, they had celebrated when they realized he was still alive and there was no way Steve could be just an ordinary SHIELD agent now.

And Steve knew that Hayley didn't really feel that way. If Steve was her partner on a mission, he could see conflict immediately. They were too similar. Both of them needed to be the leader in most situations, they need to know what's going on and they need to have a say in how it's done. Which is why Steve knew that when Hayley told him she could end up hitting her partner, it was a very real possibility.

''Sorry,'' he slightly chuckled, seeing the exaggerated frown on her lips. ''Come on, you met the guy once,''

''And I got a vibe. I read vibes really well, you know that,'' she nudged him playfully. ''Anyway, what's on the agenda for Cap?''

''I have a meeting with Fury tomorrow, some possible ops with the strike team,''

''Huh, sounds full on,''

''Yeah, I think the timing's good though. I need to stay busy, and I'd rather know what SHIELD is involving itself in while I'm working for them instead of just blindly following their orders,''

''Good luck with that,'' Hayley scoffed. ''Fury never tells the full story to anyone. I doubt there's a single agent within SHIELD that knows what's really going on,''

After everything that had happened during his mission before the battle, Steve knew that what Hayley said was very likely to be true. Fury kept a lot of important information from the team who was meant to be carrying out the duties. Even when Steve and Tony found what Fury was hiding, they were all sure that Fury's explanation was far from true.

Yet they continued to work for, laid their lives on the line for, an organization that they didn't even trust.

* * *

Hayley looked out the window of the jet, staring at the pavement outside as the sun began to rise behind the buildings, illuminating everything in the process. It was hard to keep her eyes open, but the silence was too peaceful, all she wanted was sleep.

But the peace didn't last much longer. Benjamin dragged his luggage bag down the corridor to the seating area, yawning as he lifted it over Hayley's head and into the compartment above. Looking down at her watch, Hayley saw that her partner was ten minutes late, which angered her more than it should considering the hurry she left her apartment in.

''I thought you couldn't stand tardiness,'' she folded her arms, watching as he took a seat across from her.

''I do, can't stand waiting for people to show up,'' he sighed, getting himself comfortable.

Fighting the urge to yell or break something, Hayley turned back to the window, focusing her thoughts on the kiss she had pressed against Steve's cheek as he laid asleep on her couch. Knowing she was leaving in the morning, Steve had stayed with her all night as they ate dinner together and messed around like any other evening. But when the night became early morning, Hayley didn't retreat to her bedroom and Steve didn't leave for his apartment.

Instead she fell asleep in Steve's arms, pressed up against his chest as he too closed his eyes to rest. Hayley awoke in the same position, carefully moving slowly out of Steve's grasp to get herself ready. The sun wasn't up yet, the room looked just like it did before she closed her eyes, and Steve was still sound asleep. Waking him seemed selfish, there was no need, and Hayley didn't want to say goodbye to him. She wouldn't be gone long, the last thing she wanted was some sort of farewell.

An hour into the trip and Hayley could no longer sit in silence with her partner. They were expected to arrive in Berlin and head straight to the hotel SHIELD had arranged and then to dinner at Hardtman's restaurant. They needed to be seen by him before the reception the next evening, they needed to make an impression. But to do that, details needed to be discussed.

Benjamin was currently swirling around a glass of scotch in his hand, looking down at a magazine and flicking the page, disinterested in every story they had written. Every move he made seem to anger Hayley even further.

''We should talk about our game plan here,'' she spoke loudly, purposely startling him. ''Unless celebrity gossip seems more appealing to you,''

Benjamin took a mouthful of the liquor in his hand and closed the magazine, throwing it over to slide across a table next to them.

''Alright,'' he agreed with a smile. ''But you're not going to like the tactics I've chosen,''

''Chosen? You're not in charge, we're partners. You don't choose tactics without talking about it with me,'' she defended.

''I thought that's what we were doing right now?''

Hayley folded her arms in annoyance.

''Do tell then,''

* * *

With her arm looped through Benjamin's, Hayley put one foot in front of the other as they followed their host to their table. To everyone around her, she looked like the happy wife who was being treated to a romantic meal with her husband, not at all giving off the impression that she was beyond uncomfortable in the outfit that had been chosen for her.

''I hate this,'' Hayley whispered into her partner's ear subtly, a smile on her lips.

''I said you would,'' Benjamin smiled back, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek.

The high-waist black skirt that clung to her hips was one unbearable detail, but the heels she wore made her more worried about her life than facing a loaded gun. Nothing about this situation felt comfortable, but this was the job. Hayley had to look the part, and if this was what it took to give off the impression of a highly successful, wealthy couple then she was going to play her part perfectly.

When they were seated in the middle of the restaurant, surrounded by many other couples and groups enjoying their night, the two agents did another scan of the room for the man they were hoping to catch the attention of. Hardtman was nowhere to be seen just yet.

''May I start you off with a drink, Mr Davis?'' their host asked.

''Yes, champagne please,'' Benjamin slipped off his dress coat when they were seated. ''Cristal. It's my wife's favorite,''

The waiter nodded at his request and departed their table, leaving the couple to settle into their surroundings. Hayley maintained a sweet, admiring smile as she stared over at Benjamin, knowing that there would be people looking on.

''Rachelle,'' Benjamin reached over to grab her hands. ''You look beautiful,''

Playing another person took effort, but pretending to be mesmerized and in love with Benjamin Flynn was exhausting.

''You're too sweet,'' Hayley lifted her hand to gently stroke his cheek.

For the entire evening, they had to make the smallest gestures to one another. They needed to do everything a couple in love would do, they needed to laugh, they needed to only be concerned with one another's attention. Which made it harder to keep their eye on arriving guests, but eventually they spotted Hardtman being escorted to his own table.

All it took was a slightly louder giggle for Hardtman's eyes to glance over toward the couple, and soon enough Hayley's attention locked on to his as well. It was the smallest details that mattered, the tiniest of smirks and gazes. That was all it took for their mission to truly begin.


	28. Chapter 28

_A system of complete control. The pressure builds_

_It wraps its hands around your throat. A constant battle_  
_A silent war of mind and soul_

* * *

Throwing her bag and coat down on the bed, Hayley shuddered just thinking of the way that man had been looking at her all night since their first glance. They had been told to do whatever was necessary to gain access into Hardtman's mansion and this happened to be the easiest and most effective way to do that since Hardtman evidently was quite interested in beautiful women, even if they were married.

Kicking off her shoes with a relieved sigh and running her hands through her hair which had been slicked back with hairspray and pins, Hayley turned toward Benjamin who closed the door to their room behind them and shook her head with disapproval.

''Well, that worked out better than we hoped,'' he shrugged, pulling off his coat too. ''That man is not subtle when it comes to being a sleaze,''

''I feel like I need to take at least ten showers before I can sleep,'' Hayley cringed.

''Save the excessive showering for tomorrow night where you'll actually have to talk to the guy and be very prepared to leave with him,''

At that reminder, Hayley wanted to fall onto the ground and stay there forever. Being stared at by men like Hardtman was something she never tolerated, and to further it by flirting with him was just going against all of her morals.

''First mission as an agent and instead of pulling out my gun, I have to flirt with the man we're trying to stop,'' she huffed, sitting down on the edge of the bed. ''I busted my ass training to get back into the field and I'm being used for my appearance and gender,''

''This is what the mission calls for. Being an agent doesn't always mean firing at your enemy and making a scene. Sure, sometimes, and it's a hell of a lot more fun when that's the case, but going under the radar doesn't require much fire power,''

''I'm not asking for fire power,''

''Then what do you want?'' he asked, folding his arms as he took a seat.

''Respect,''

Benjamin chuckled at that, shaking his head in amusement.

''Whoa, you really are Captain America's lady aren't you?''

To that, Hayley paused what she was about to say, staring at her partner with a look of wonder and confusion. What was happening between Steve and Hayley had barely been mentioned by the two of them let alone among anyone else. Hayley and Steve weren't a couple, they didn't even know if they were more than friends yet. The last thing either of them had on their mind was relationships.

''I'm not Captain America's lady,'' Hayley snapped at him angrily.

''That's not what I've heard around,''

''Do you think I give a damn what you've heard around the walls of that building? Just because I don't want to be used in this mission as a piece of bait doesn't mean I'm anyone's lady you ass,''

Hayley hadn't even realized that her hands were balling themselves into fists, shaking with frustration. Benjamin saw this though and it only spurred him on.

Benjamin stood up and walked over to pour himself a drink, feeling Hayley's gaze on him the entire time.

''Play your part O'Connor and I'll play mine,'' he advised.

Hayley marched over to where he stood and shoved his shoulder to turn him around, using her arm to push against his neck until his back hit the wall behind them. Benjamin dropped his empty glass and grabbed her wrist, pulling her grip off him and switching their positions. But Hayley wasn't going to be at a disadvantage, she brought her knee up and kicked him in the groin, feeling his hands leave her and fall to the ground.

While falling onto his back, Hayley moved on top of him and pinned him down. One arm along his chest, the other holding down his other arm.

''I'm not here to be the bait until you swoop in. I know tactic, I know how to work an operation, I know how to do my goddamn job,'' she snarled, her face inches from his. ''And next time you call me someone's 'lady', I won't respond so nicely,''

With one angry shove, Hayley stood up and walked away, grabbing her bag and heading toward the bathroom for the first of many showers. Benjamin pushed himself up onto his elbows and looked over at the woman walking away, rubbing his neck where she had forcefully held him down.

* * *

Steve knew he was acting crazy every time he walked past Hayley's apartment on the way to his own. Every time he saw her door, he was half expecting it to swing open and see Hayley walking out on her way to the gym. It was hard to go from spending every day with someone to not knowing where in the world they were.

But Steve was keeping himself more than busy with SHIELD's Strike Team. Fury had arranged for Steve to go out on a few operations with the skilled team to help him understand what it is they do, but Steve knew already that he would be interested in doing more work with them. Working with the Strike Team was what he knew. They received their orders and they did their job for the greater good of others. It was exactly what Steve had been wanting to do ever since waking up from the ice.

''You look like you could use this,''

Natasha Romanoff's voice captured Steve's attention as he sat at a table reading over an ops file. Fiery red hair bounced on her shoulders as she took a seat across from him, placing two large cups of coffee on the table for each of them.

''Thanks,'' he smiled, breaking out into a yawn.

''Did you happen to get any sleep last night?'' she asked, seeing him rub his eyes.

''Haven't slept well lately,''

''Well you might want to start, these ops need you focused,''

''I'm focused when I'm out there,'' he defended. ''Just not at six in the morning reading files,''

''Then why are you? We're not meeting with the team until nine,''

''I like to know what's actually going on with these operations,'' he explained, flipping through the pages. ''I'll follow my orders, but I want to know why they're my orders in the first place,''

Natasha rolled her eyes and held off a laugh, instead taking a sip of her coffee and thinking that Steve Rogers couldn't be more like the American hero if he tried. Steve's insistence on knowing every detail of their missions hadn't gone unnoticed to Natasha who took her orders and did what she had to do without questions. There was always the lingering though in the back of her mind about who it was she was going after or why SHIELD chose not to reveal all of the facts.

But to Natasha, that was how things worked. She had done her time following orders for the bad guys, now she worked for the good guys. She trusted SHIELD like Steve didn't.

''What about you?'' Steve asked after a moment.

''I was gonna do some training,'' Natasha shrugged. ''Care to join?''

* * *

The dress that had been chosen for Hayley to wear to the reception was hard to dislike. It was blood red and strapless, but it drifted down to her ankles and swept along the floor behind her slightly, a slit creeping up her leg and stopping at a comfortable height. The flowing material did wonders to hide the very slight bulge on the side of her leg where a small pistol remained strapped.

Her long brown hair was curled and wavy, a romantic style that complimented the dress nicely and hid the tiny device in her ear that let her communicate with Benjamin. Which was the last thing Hayley felt like doing right now.

Benjamin had been sleeping on the couch in their hotel room, knowing that if he argued the arrangement he would be hit with another aggressive 'explanation'. But he also understood why Hayley felt deserving of the bed. After all, she was about to be the bait for a very questionable man.

''We can go over it again if you want,'' Benjamin offered, fixing the cuffs on his slick black suit.

Hayley rolled her eyes as she fixed her lipstick in the mirror, making sure that the dark red color she had chosen didn't smudge or go outside of the liner she had perfectly applied. Since breakfast that morning all they had been doing was going over what they needed to do tonight. Hayley was shown how to get into Hardtman's computer and which files she should be looking for, but Benjamin assured her he would be talking her through it anyway.

All she had to do was act interested enough for the man to invite her back to his mansion. Benjamin was the wealthy investor in the relationship, as far as Hardtman knew Hayley was only the trophy wife that made appearances and looked good on her husband's arm. It was a insulting role to play, but she had to agree that it was the easiest way to get this mission done. This was going to be a simple, smooth operation. The weapons were only back-up.

''I've got a pretty great memory, I think I'll be fine,'' she answered calmly.

With a shake of his head, Benjamin grabbed the black tie off the bed and snaked it around his neck and under his collar. The line between acting married and being married had been quite blurred ever since dinner last night. Anything Benjamin said was answered with either a short answer or a lengthy, snarky response. It really was like they were husband and wife, except they were old and sick of each other's company.

When Hayley walked out of the bathroom, Benjamin couldn't help staring at his partner. The intention of her outfit was to attract Hardtman's attention and he couldn't have been more impressed with the selection.

''Jesus, what have you been doing while I was in there?'' Hayley asked, her voice moving Benjamin's focus from her dress to her eyes. ''You're not even ready yet,''

''I've never been good with ties,'' he admit, walking over to Hayley and holding out the lengthy ends of the black tie.

With a slight huff of annoyance, Hayley kicked her shoes aside for a moment and took the material into her hands. It had been a long time since she had to fix a tie, she just hoped she remembered how to make it look proper and not mangled. After all, their appearance was everything tonight.

Benjamin watched Hayley's trained eyes stare at the tie in her hands as she looped the ends over and under one another, pulling it tight all the way up to his neck. Folding over his collar, Hayley pushed him back slightly to observe her work. Straight and even.

''All done?'' she asked.

''Yeah, but you're just missing something,''

Benjamin walked over to the bag that SHIELD had arranged them and lifted out a small black box. Hayley watched as he opened the lid and revealed a diamond necklace, holding her breath for a moment as she admired it's beauty.

''My wife would be covered in diamonds,'' he told her, using the elegant voice he did in public as Mr Davis.

''Holy...that looks extremely expensive,''

With an amused look on his face, Benjamin moved toward her and slid the jewelry around her neck, waiting for her to hold her hair up so he could fix the clasp. The necklace felt heavier than she imagined, immediately making her nervous that she would somehow lose or break the beautiful piece.

''It is, which is why it goes well with that dress,''

''I could not feel more unlike myself right now,'' Hayley sighed, staring back at her reflection.

''Then you're doing your job perfectly,''

* * *

Every move that they made had been planned to look as effortless and believable as possible, but right now while floating through the room full of people on Benjamin's arm with her necklace shimmering and her diamond ring sparkling, Hayley thought she couldn't have been more obvious. The way she walked when she wore heels made her feel like she was on a runway, but teamed with everything else she was wearing, she felt like she was on full display to the whole room.

People stared as the couple walked past crowds, grabbing a glass of champagne on the way over to the tables. Hardtman had been at the reception for a little while before them as he was seated at a table full of people smoking cigars and drinking scotch. His eyes once again fell on Hayley as she and Benjamin made their way to their table, watching as she flashed a seductive grin his way.

Koenraad Hardtman excused himself from the group he was surrounded by and straightened his coat, running his hand over his slicked back hair and readying himself. With a mysterious smile on his lips, the man walked up to the couple's table with his attention on Benjamin.

''Mr Davis, I believe,''

Hardtman's voice was smooth, deep and gave off the impression that he was someone of importance.

''Indeed I am,'' Benjamin nodded, standing and offering his hand to greet. ''Martin Davis,''

''Nice to meet you Mr Davis,''

''Oh, Martin please,'' Benjamin insisted, his voice calm and friendly. ''This is my wife Rachelle,''

''Lovely to meet you,'' Hayley smiled, standing as well and accepting a kiss to the cheek.

She would have preferred the handshake that Benjamin received, instantly feeling sick even from one innocent peck. There was something about this man that didn't sit well with Hayley and it wasn't the fact that he had alien experimentation files.

''We've been quite taken with your work lately Mr Hardtman,'' Benjamin began.

''So I've been told. You're interested in joining our investors?''

''Very interested. Please, take a seat,''

Hardtman accepted the offer and pulled out a chair, signaling to one of the waiters that he would like another drink. Hopefully alcohol would make the rest of the evening easier.


	29. Chapter 29

_We know full well there's just time_  
_So is it wrong to dance this line?_  
_If your heart was full of love_  
_Could you give it up?_

* * *

Hayley used the straw in her cocktail as a stirring spoon, twirling it around in her fingers as she mindlessly listened to Hardtman boast about his research. Some things he said took her interest such as his blatant admission to having experimented with alien DNA and his search for investors to continue that, but most of the conversation was filled with his previous contributions to famed researchers work and how without him their discoveries would not have been possible.

Benjamin did most of the talking during the conversation, laughing and encouraging Hardtman's stories. But when he stepped away for a moment to order a drink from the bar, there was nothing else for Hayley to do but speak with the man.

''Well, I'm beyond impressed. Your work is quite stunning,'' she smiled, moving the straw to her lips to take a sip.

''Oh, as are you,'' he smiled, his full attention on her now.

Hayley grinned and looked down at her drink before her eyes met his again. He certainly wasn't subtle at all. There was a huge diamond on her finger, they had been chatting all evening with her husband and yet this man still felt it was appropriate to flirt. Not that Hayley didn't appreciate him making her job easier, since she too had to ignore the fact she was married.

_''Oh my god O'Connor, do you even know how to flirt?''_

Ignoring Benjamin's voice in her ear, Hayley took one more sip of her drink before she leaned in closer to the table, making it seem that she only wanted this conversation to be between the two of them. The only way she was going to get where she wanted was to stop being so mysterious and be blunt.

''I have to admit, I was hoping to see some of your work up close,'' Hayley told him in a soft, seductive voice. ''I've read so much about your research, I'm entranced,''

''Well Mrs Davis, or may I call you Rachelle?''

''Of course,''

''Rachelle, I'd be happy to fulfill that hope of yours,''

''Oh, I don't want to intrude on you,'' Hayley shook her head, beginning to pull away.

But Hardtman captured her hands in his own.

''Absolutely not,''

* * *

Hardtman's estate was not very far from the reception at all. A few streets, maybe. But the ride felt a lot longer with the man sitting extremely close to Hayley with his arm around her shoulders. He had assured Hayley that he would show her his latest research project and then they would be back at the reception before anyone knew they had even left, but Hayley was smart enough to realize that research projects were the last thing on his mind.

The closer he sat, the sicker Hayley felt.

''I am so pleased that I was able to meet you tonight,'' he told her softly, almost whispering it into her ear. ''And that I have you all to myself to show you my work,''

Hayley found every word he said irksome, but the mission was slowly drawing to a close and all she had to do was make it to the end of the night and she would never have to hear his voice again. She could play the part until then, even if it made her skin crawl. But she needed it to go faster.

''I do hope I get a tour of your lovely home before we go back,'' Hayley smirked cheekily, looking at him with seductive eyes.

''I would not have you leave without one,'' he insisted, leaning closer.

It was so obvious what he was going to do next, Hayley did nothing more than brace herself for the feeling of his lips against hers. It felt so wrong. His lips weren't soft and familiar like Steve's, she didn't want them to linger like his did, she didn't want him to kiss her like he did. Soon his hand was on her thigh and she pulled back in shock, slapping his hand away.

''Do forgive me,'' Hardtman shook his head, but continued to lean in.

Hayley watched his advances, knowing that she was too close to screw this up, but the idea of him touching her again made her want to throw her fist into his face.

_''What are you doing O'Connor!'' _Benjamin's voice came into her ear. _''You know the plan!''_

''I'm sorry,'' Hayley began, catching her breath and letting Hardtman take her hand. ''It's...been quite some time since I've felt this way,''

''And what way is that?''

''Admired,''

_''Nice save,'' _

Hardtman grinned and pulled Hayley to him so he could wrap his arm around her shoulders again, his face only inches from hers as she stared into her eyes.

''Your husband takes you for granted,''

_''I'm trailing you now O'Connor, stay relaxed, stay focused,''_

Hayley held Hardtman's hand and smiled at him in return, resting her head on his shoulder to put an end to anymore advances during the car ride. She had never missed someone this much in a long time.

* * *

Benjamin parked the car just down the road from Hardtman's mansion. Inside, Hayley was to work her magic until it was time for him to intervene and help destroy the files and take all of the man's research. As he switched off the vehicle, he found himself actually worried not only about the mission, but about what might happen to Hayley if she makes any sort of mistakes.

Men like Hardtman expected to be given what they wanted after such an evening and if Hayley didn't respond in the way he wanted, Hardtman could always respond in a way they hadn't expected.

''As you can see, the extraterrestrials have their own form of DNA. It's so different to us humans,'' Hardtman marveled at his work.

Hayley looked at the computer screen at his research.

''That's amazing,'' she shook her head, genuinely stunned. ''And you're the only one with this?''

''There are always people who want what I have, but as usual they are too slow,'' he chuckled. ''Now, let me give you the tour I promised. Would you like a glass of wine before we begin?''

''I would love one,'' Hayley smiled.

Hardtman escorted Hayley out of his lab, swinging the door shut, but not before Hayley was able to lodge a piece of metal between the door. Now that she knew where all his research was, there was no way she was risking not being able to get to it again.

As her host headed toward the kitchen, Hayley feigned a great interested in the pieces of art he had hanging around the halls and hung back out of his view. When she could hear glasses clinking together on the counter, she took her chance.

''Now,'' she whispered as she bent down to her shoe.

Behind the ankle of her heel was a tiny syringe, small enough to fit in her palm without raising any suspicion at all. Inside the syringe was a sedative, one that would knock Hardtman out long enough to complete the mission and get out of the mansion. Once that syringe went into his body, there couldn't be a moment lost. Every part of the plan had to be executed perfectly.

''You collect such wonderful pieces,'' Hayley complimented as she walked into the kitchen.

Hardtman was pouring the second glass of wine, smiling at Hayley's words.

''I love my art, but tonight my darling they are very little in beauty when compared to you,''

Hayley had to admit the man definitely had a way with words. She stepped closer to him, letting her left hand snake around his waist and onto his chest as she pressed herself against his back. What he assumed was a loving and enticing move lasted no longer than a few seconds as Hayley's right hand moved up and jabbed the syringe into his neck, her thumb injecting the sedative into his bloodstream.

It took effect immediately, Hardtman's legs going limp beneath him and Hayley guiding his body down onto the shiny white tiles. Reaching up to the glasses of wine, Hayley grabbed one and placed it directly beside his foot and then hurried out of the room.

''Agent Flynn, he's down,'' Hayley spoke as she hurried toward the security sector of the mansion, right next to the front door.

_''Alright, create the distraction,''_

''Working on it,''

With a push of a few buttons, Hayley had the two security guards at the front entrance rushing to the back of the house where an alarm had gone off. Hardtman had asked not to be disturbed when they arrived only moments ago and Hayley could only hope that the guards didn't try to make contact with him. As soon as that was done, Benjamin would have a clear path to the front of the mansion.

Then came the lab. Hayley hurried down the hall and back into the research lab, kicking away the piece of metal she had used to hold it open and instead securing an open doorway with a toolbox.

''There's three computers and hard drives Flynn, get your ass in here!''

Hayley's fingers began clicking away at the keyboard, using the codes SHIELD had taught her to gain access to Hardtman's many locked files. As each moment passed, Hayley worried there wouldn't be enough time. The research was kept on all three computers, she needed Benjamin to be able to get as much as she could before infecting the hard drives with the virus that would destroy his work.

After a few minutes, Hayley had almost complete the first computer's worth of work and heard heavy footsteps from down the hall. She turned her head just as Benjamin walked in through the door to the lab, headed straight for the other computer.

''Just me,'' he greeted. ''Let's get this over with,''

''How long does that sedative last again?''

''Long enough,''

Hayley rolled her eyes at his vagueness and continued on. Within ten minutes she had two computer's worth of research and a virus destroying everything on them both. Benjamin's work was close behind. They then split up in opposite directions around the lab to collect any other hard drives or hard copies of research relating to the Chitauri soldiers.

''Do a quick sweep of the house,'' Benjamin advised. ''I'll take upstairs, you take down,''

Hayley made her way to the room straight across from Hardtman's lab, finding herself in his office. Rifling through the drawers, she found nothing of importance until she reached the cabinet behind his chair. Inside were two screens showing the footage within the house. Hayley could see Benjamin clearly hurrying from room to room upstairs.

Inserting a chip into the screen's drives, Hayley soon had the footage wiped from the monitors and memory within security. Finding nothing else in the room, Hayley moved on once more. Two rooms down, a noise that held a heavy meaning stopped her movements.

The shattering of a wine glass.

''We've got a problem,'' Hayley whispered.

_''What was that?''_

Reaching down to her ankle, Hayley pulled out the small pistol she had been hiding all evening and clung to it tightly. Hardtman was awake. She only hoped he was still in a daze, unable to stand. But Hardtman was a determined man.

Hayley walked out of the guest room she was in and rounded the corner carefully.

''You!''

Hardtman threw himself onto Hayley's body, knocking her to the ground and holding her down. The gun in Hayley's hand slid out across the tiles and just out of her reach, but it was the last thing on her mind when she realized that Hardtman's hands were around her neck with a ferocious grip. His eyes were red and heavy, his whole body seemed weak, but his anger seemed strong.

Hayley reached up and clawed at his hands, but it did nothing. Instead she wrapped her legs around his body and threw them onto their side, slowly reversing their positions. Now on top of Hardtman, Hayley reached her heel for the second and final syringe only to be hit with the full force of Hardtman's head hitting her own. Knocked onto her back, Hayley was too overwhelmed by the impact to notice the fist that hit her jaw.

Then Hardtman's eyes closed, falling onto his back, Benjamin standing behind him with a now empty syringe in his hand.

''Huh, guess he had quite the tolerance,'' he remarked.

With a deep breath and gasp of pain, Hayley laid her sore head back onto the tiles before hissing at her partner.

''Ass,''

* * *

All Hayley wanted to do was sleep. It had been a never ending night; after everything that happened with Hardtman at his mansion, they fled straight to the jet and began reporting back to SHIELD their findings. The life of an agent was proving to be much more than she anticipated. Hard work and deception was an apt assumption, but concussions and revealing clothing was something Hayley could have done without.

''Here,''

Moving her head slightly, Hayley looked up at her mission partner to see him holding a glass of amber liquid.

''Maybe some scotch will do wonders for your current state,'' he offered.

''Do I look that bad?'' Hayley mumbled, taking the glass and swallowing the small amount in one gulp.

''A busted lip and a golf ball lump on your head? Couldn't look better,'' he shrugged, taking the seat across from her.

''I'd take a concussion any day over making out with the target,'' she grimaced.

''Sometimes it's what you've got to do,''

''There were a million ways we could have got inside,''

''None that were so easy though,'' Benjamin pointed out. ''Men like Hardtman are easy to read, once you learn that you'll make every mission quicker and smarter,''

''I know how to read men like Hardtman, I'd just prefer they not touch me,'' Hayley rolled her eyes.

''What's your big issue with it? If Hardtman was into guys I'd do exactly what you did,''

''It feels wrong,'' she shrugged, skin crawling at her memories. ''Even for a mission...I feel wrong,''

Benjamin watched as Hayley turned back to the window to look out at the clouds they flew by.

''Listen O'Connor, I know you said you and Captain aren't-''

''Concussed or not, I'll kick your ass if you want to revisit this topic Flynn,'' Hayley threatened defensively.

''_Whoever _you've got waiting for you back home, they're gonna hold you back on every mission,'' he continued. ''Trust me,''

''Not every mission will involve be seducing someone,'' Hayley countered.

''Maybe not, but every mission will involve your life. If your mind is on getting back to them, this isn't gonna work. You've gotta think about yourself and the mission, nothing else. Being an agent isn't suited for someone who wants that happy, settled down life at the same time. It's a sacrifice, and you gotta go it alone if you want it to work,''

Hayley stared back at Benjamin, his words meaning more to her than he knew. Steve would be waiting for her at home. She couldn't imagine what it would do to him if she didn't come back, if something happened to her after everything he had already been through. There was no normal life in their near future, it just wasn't possible in their line of work.

This whole time they had been kidding themselves. Hayley had been fooling herself thinking that being an agent would be easy, that she would still be able to maintain the life she had been living for the past few months. But the truth was that Steve was moving in one direction and Hayley was moving in the other. They were breaking one another's hearts before they even had the chance to be anything.

''Hey Flynn,'' Hayley called out as Benjamin began walking away.

''Yeah?''

Holding up the empty glass, Hayley turned to him with a sigh and a muddled mind.

''Can I get a refill?''

* * *

**Hey guys, so no Steve this chapter, sorry about that, but next chapter will contain a lot of Steve/Hayley so prepare yourselves! **


	30. Chapter 30

_Like a river flows_  
_Surely to the sea_  
_Darling so it goes_  
_Some things are meant to be_

* * *

Meeting new people never really bothered Steve. These days he barely saw people within SHIELD more than once, although he was beginning to grow familiar with the Strike Team and the agents involved. Everyone seemed to want to meet Captain America and once they did, the interest seemed to disappear. He was an American hero, people wanted to personally meet the legend. However uncomfortable it made him, Steve was never really nervous.

Until faced with having to meet Hayley's parents. Two people who raised their children to look up to the hero from the war, the Captain America painted on enlistment posters and trading cards. And to add to the pressure, they were the parents of someone he cared about very much.

''Captain Rogers!''

Steve looked over to the man calling his name from the car parked across from the jet. Steve lifted a hand to shield his eyes from the evening sun and held onto a bag in his other hand as he walked over to meet his friend.

''Agent Blake,'' Steve smiled. ''It's good to see you,''

''How was the journey?'' Blake asked, leaning back against the shiny black car.

''Quiet. I guess that's how private jets normally feel,''

''You'll get used to it,'' Blake chuckled. ''Come on, I'll take you to your hotel. I'm sure you'd like to settle in before the party,''

''I appreciate it,'' Steve nodded, opening the car door as Blake walked to the other side.

As soon as Blake drove them out of the small airstrip lot, Steve soon realized that he had misread completely what sort of driver Blake would be. His body jolted from side to side in his seat as Blake spun them around each corner with a content expression on his face as if he was driving around his grandmother. Steve gripped the bag on his lap a little tighter and instead tried to focus his attention on the buildings they were quickly passing.

It had been a long, long time since Steve Rogers had set foot in Chicago. Everything was different, the buildings were taller and Steve felt just the way he did when he first began exploring the new New York. He felt like an outsider once again.

''Have you heard from Hayley?'' Steve asked a moment later, taking his mind off his own turmoil.

''Yeah, she got in early this morning. It's been a while since she's seen her folks so she wanted to take the day to properly see them,'' Blake explained. ''I stopped by earlier and I don't think her mom ever let go of her hand,''

Steve smiled at the thought of Hayley meeting up with her parents after everything she had achieved.

''She's okay?'' he asked.

''Never seen her happier,'' Blake grinned. ''I tell you Rogers, when that girl really smiles, she looks just like Nick. It's almost like seeing a ghost. It's like when Hayley came back, we all got him back too. I'm so proud of her,''

Steve watched as Blake's smile stayed on his lips, genuine happiness for his friend. A smile that soon spread onto Steve's lips as well, one full of pride and excitement to finally see the girl he had been waiting to reunite with.

''Yeah, me too,''

* * *

Hayley couldn't believe how she felt being at home. She thought that she wouldn't be able to do it, not after they lost Nick. Every single part of her childhood home held memories that she shared with her brother. Everywhere she looked was a story. Their whole lives they had been a pair of inseparable siblings and coming home to a house that Nick would never again set foot in was certainly breaking her heart.

But she didn't cry, she didn't break down, she didn't ball her hands into fists at the thought of her last moments with him on the battlefield. Instead she held her mother's hand and walked upstairs to his bedroom and smiled at how untouched it was. Posters hanging from the wall, records piled up along a dresser, video games stacked underneath the bed. It still smelled like him too.

''God, I miss him,'' Hayley whispered.

Her mother wrapped an arm around her daughter and pressed a kiss to her hand lovingly.

''I do too sweetie,''

''He would have had something great planned for your anniversary, you know that?''

Hayley's mother chuckled.

''I know, and it would have given me and your father a heart attack,''

''I wish I had his spirit. He was always the wild one,''

''I think you both were wild enough,''

''Frances!'' Hayley's father called from downstairs. ''Julie and the kids are here,''

Hayley watched her mother think over whether she should go down to greet their visitors for the party or stay here with her daughter she had missed for so long.

''Go, it's your party,'' Hayley insisted. ''I'll take a shower and get ready, I won't be long,''

With another kiss to Hayley's forehead, her mother smiled and walked toward the stairs before stopping to turn back.

''Hayley, I'm glad you're home,''

* * *

The O'Connors had a beautiful home on a quiet and spacious piece of land at the end of a busy street. As Steve stepped out of the car alongside Blake and Laura, he was taken by how illuminated the house was with fairy lights strung from tree to tree and white, flowing material covered the tables and chairs outside where guests were already sitting and listening to music that even Steve could tell was a dew decades old.

Dressed in a black suit, Steve fixed up the button on his dress coat and followed his friend into the party in search of a familiar face.

''You look worried,'' Blake laughed. ''Don't be,''

''I feel like I'm imposing,'' Steve admit.

''Imposing? You were invited Steve, just relax,''

They continued along the pathway leading toward the house and outdoor area and with every step Steve could make out more and more people huddled together with glasses of champagne laughing among themselves. Anniversary parties were almost like reunions, which made Steve even more uncomfortable about the fact he knew nobody here. But it was too late to worry about any of that.

As they approached the end of the pathway, Blake turned to Steve and gestured toward a couple who were looking toward him, realizing that he had just arrived. It didn't take more than a quick glance to know who they were.

''Well if it isn't the man my Hayley's been telling me about,'' the woman smiled politely, making her way over.

''You must me Mrs O'Connor, lovely to meet you,'' Steve smiled.

''Oh call me Frances,'' she insisted. ''This is my husband David,''

''Just Dave,'' her husband added, extending his hand to Steve. ''Honor to meet you Captain,''

''The honor's mine sir, Hayley's told me about your time as a soldier,'' Steve assured.

''You were an inspiration to me and my son,'' Dave told him sincerely. ''I just want you to know that,''

''Thank you sir, that means a lot,''

Frances looked up at Dave sadly, the thought of their lost son on their mind. They had learned how to deal with their grief, but memories were always going to bring back feelings and at a time like this it was hard not to think of their son. But they wanted his memory to live on, they wanted him to be involved in their conversations, to be kept alive.

Steve noticed their moment of silence.

''Your son was an incredibly brave young man,'' Steve told them honestly. ''I wish I had the chance to meet him,''

''He loved you. Posters of Captain America everywhere,'' Frances chuckled.

''But we want to thank you for being there for our daughter all this time when we couldn't be,'' Dave added. ''And not as Captain America, but the fine man you are Steve,''

At that, Steve couldn't help smile in appreciation. There people who had lived their lives admiring the man in the suit and the red, white and blue were thanking someone else now. Someone Steve was barely ever noticed for being. Himself.

''Speaking of our darling daughter,'' Frances smiled, looking over to where her daughter made her way through the crowd of guests.

Steve's lips parted as he laid his eyes on Hayley, dressed in a baby blue dress that was flowing to just above her knees and complimenting her light, creamy skin. He had never seen Hayley like this. Long black eyelashes that fluttered beautifully as she looked around, her chocolate brown parted in the middle and falling in long waves on either side of strawberry colored lips.

Frances looked back to the man in front of her and smiled at how he was looking at her daughter in amazement. As a mother it was hard not to see her child happy and with someone who knew how lucky they were to have her, but of course she wouldn't interfere. At least not obviously.

''Come on David,'' France grabbed her husband's hand. ''Time to do the rounds,''

Dave gave one last smile to Steve before following his wife away and into the crowd, kissing his daughter on the cheek as she passed them by. Hayley and Steve never saw one another dressed so formally, she was very much appreciating the way he looked in a fitted black suit. It seemed both of them had their eyes completely fixed on the other.

As Hayley approached, she had a sweet smile on her lips as she watched him, wishing she could wrap her arms around him and hold him just like she had been wanting to do for days now. But it wouldn't make anything any easier. This may not have been the place or occasion to discuss the two of them, but Hayley didn't want to confuse either of them any further.

''I was beginning to think Blake left you at the airport,'' Hayley chuckled.

''You look beautiful,'' Steve told her immediately.

Hayley paused for a moment and looked down as a blush crept onto her skin. Her parents and family friends had been complimenting her just the same all evening, all so unfamiliar with Hayley in a dress, but none of them made her feel like Steve did.

''I thought I should skip the cargo pants this time,'' Hayley smiled. ''I gotta say, Steve Rogers in a suit is pretty handsome too,''

''I guess we both look decent out of sweatpants and uniforms,'' he laughed. ''How was the mission?''

''Yeah it went fine,'' Hayley nodded, clearing her throat. ''I'm not gonna bore you with a story when there's food to eat, let's go take a seat,''

Steve followed Hayley down the path again toward the tables, finally smelling the delicious aroma of dinner. The O'Connors had gone to a lot of effort to make the evening enjoyable for everyone and Steve was amazed with everything they had done. Thirty years of marriage was simply an excuse to have all of their friends and family together. Now with Hayley by his side, he didn't feel so left out.

As they made their way to their table, they were stopped a few times by family friends who all wanted to speak with Captain America. Steve indulged in conversations as much as he could before Hayley excused them both, knowing that Steve would have been feeling a little odd about all the attention. As soon as they sat down, they were basically invisible. People floated around them chatting and chasing after one another, but Steve and Hayley had each other to themselves.

''Sorry about that,'' Hayley frowned.

''It's not a problem,'' Steve shook his head.

''Hope my parents didn't bombard you with all of that as well,''

''Your parents are great,'' he told her honestly. ''Very welcoming,''

''You _can _tell me if they were a bit much,''

Steve chuckled and shook his head.

''Why do you assume they would be too much?''

''Because whenever they try to hide how much they like someone, it always backfires,'' she explained with a laugh. ''Anyway, at least you can see where I get my rambling from,''

As they ate dinner, Hayley and Steve laughed together as she told him stories about certain areas of the backyard. Where and how she broke her arms had Steve in stitches, imagining a little girl desperately trying to fly from the porch and ending up with a broken bone. Time when she and Nick tried to climb all the way to the top of their backyard tree and becoming stuck until their dad found them and performed a ladder rescue.

All stories that Steve genuinely found interesting. Hayley had always been an adventurous girl and now she had turned that spirit into a career path that actually helped the world. Steve could not have thought of her more fondly.

''Oh, listen!'' Hayley grabbed Steve's arm. ''_I got my first real six string, bought it at the five and dime,_''

''What's this-''

''_Played it 'til my fingers bled, it was the summer of '69!''_

Hayley couldn't help sing along to the famous song, beginning to drum her hands against the table as the beat of the song began. Steve watched on in amusement as she shook her hair around, pointing over to Blake who was on the floor dancing wildly. It must have been a song they both loved.

''It's a classic,'' Hayley explained.

''I like it,'' Steve nodded. ''It's not...new?''

''It was new a couple of decades ago, but it never really gets old,'' she smiled, leaning back in the chair. ''It's not as good as the next one, it's not as old as the next one either,''

''You know every song being played?''

''It's a playlist my parents listen to all the time,'' Hayley shrugged. ''They played them all for us when we were kids, I know every word to every song,''

''And they play it at every anniversary?''

''Yeah, it takes them back,'' she smiled.

''You really can tell they're in love,'' Steve looked over to Hayley's parents, now sitting alone at their table holding one another's hand.

Hayley knew her parents loved one another unconditionally. After everything they had been through, they definitely deserved eternal happiness together. They had raised two children who both joined the armed forces and they lost their son to it. But they made it through together. Losing a child put an unimaginable strain on a relationship. But through the fights, the heartbreak, the shutting out, they never parted. After all these years, thirty years of marriage and building a life, they were just as in love as they were when they were young.

As much as Hayley avoided sitting around dwelling about love and a life spent with a significant other, she couldn't deny the inspiration her parents had given her. They were the perfect example of a perfect couple. But as much as they gave her hope, they also gave her doubt. They were one of a kind. Not everyone was made to find that love and keep it forever. Not everyone could love like that.

''You know what?'' Hayley stood suddenly, fixing her dress. ''The champagne is delicious, I'm going to grab us a few glasses,''

Steve watched as Hayley made her way over to the bar just across from the tables, pushing one side of her hair behind her ear. Even as the evening went on later and later, she was still so beautiful to him. Every time she came near him tonight his heart began beating faster, his desire to kiss her stronger than ever. He didn't know what was going on between the two of them.

As Hayley stood at the bar waiting for one of the caterers to pour the champagne, she was taken by one of the roses that had been thrown onto the ground. A long prickly stem with a gorgeous red rose at the end. Picking it up, Hayley stared at it in awe as she dealt with everything around her reminding her of love.

Steve stared at her from the table as the next song began playing, watching through a crowd of people as she pressed the flower to her nose.

_You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you_

_you'd be like heaven to touch, I want to hold you so much_

_You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you _


	31. Chapter 31

_And I don't feel nothing at all_  
_And you can't feel nothing small  
__Honey I love you, that's all she wrote_

* * *

The music was still blaring outside as the O'Connors family and friends continued to dance, drink and enjoy the night together. From the window of Nick's bedroom, Hayley could see everyone below with smiles on their faces and her parents still walking around to their guests holding hands like teenagers in love. But at that moment, despite how much her parents loved one another, she knew that holding each other's hand was instead an act of comfort.

Giving a speech to their guests was expected, but there was so much more than just love and thirty years of marriage that Frances and David had to speak about. They spoke about how lucky they were to have two children like Nick and Hayley and how their heart would never heal after the loss of their son. Steve had rested his hand on top of Hayley's during the speech, offering the same act of comfort, and for that moment Hayley gladly accepted.

But after watching everyone shed a tear at her parent's words, Hayley needed a moment away from all of the celebration. She needed to visit the one place she felt her brother was still present.

Stepping back to sit on the edge of the bed, Hayley picked up the pillow that had remained untouched for months now and held it close to her chest. She would have given anything to hug her brother again, to hear his voice, to just see him alive.

''Thought you'd be in here,''

Hayley looked over to Blake who stood by the open door, arms folded over his chest as he looked around the room. Just as it was for her, it hurt Blake just to be reminded of his best friend. The records he listened to, the video games they used to play as kids and the window they had broken many times throwing things around his room.

''One day it's all gonna be covered in dust,'' Hayley hugged the pillow closer.

''It'll always be here though,'' Blake assured, sitting down next to her. ''They wouldn't ever change it,''

Hayley pressed her nose into the pillow and closed her eyes. As the familiar scent, she could feel a lump rising in her throat and her heart almost breaking into pieces. Blake wrapped an arm around her and pulled her over to rest on his shoulder.

''Wonder what Nick would be up to if he was here,'' Blake wondered with a smile on his lips. ''Up to no good, that's obvious,''

''He would have probably bought some fireworks out the back of a suspicious van and set the yard on fire,'' Hayley laughed wholeheartedly, knowing it was something that her brother would have definitely done.

''I don't doubt that at all,'' Blake laughed. ''He was ambitious when it came to a party,''

Hayley smiled to herself, holding the pillow as if it was a teddy bear and snuggling her head down to lean on top of it. The laughter outside was calling to them, reminding them that there was a party going on. A celebration that her brother would have loved to be apart of.

''God I miss him,'' she sighed, letting her smile fade away.

* * *

Steve could feel that Hayley was keeping her distance from him. Whenever it would be just the two of them, Hayley made sure they weren't too close for anything other than a smile to occur. He didn't know why she was acting this way or what he had done to deserve such coldness, but he convinced himself to assume it was just being here surrounded by family. They both agreed not to let anyone know what was going on between the two of them.

As the night got later and guests began to leave, Steve stood and offered his hand to Hayley to join him on the dance floor where only a few people now remained.

''Dancing?'' Hayley looked up at him with wide eyes. ''Oh, no, no, no-''

''Come on, I need the practice,'' Steve encouraged.

''So I'm your dancing guinea pig?''

''I guess you are,'' he chuckled.

With a roll of the eyes and a huff, Hayley slid her hand into Steve's and stood up to follow him over to where her aunt, uncle and cousins were dancing. Of course it was a slow song, Steve wouldn't have asked her to dance to anything else. It wasn't making Hayley's plan to steer clear of any romantic moments any easier.

Neither was Steve's hand going to her waist to hold as they began to sway to the music. She looked down at their feet dancing around one another, trying desperately to make this as easy as possible.

''I hate dancing,'' Hayley shook her head, biting down on her lip as she looked around at the others.

''Why? We're doing fine,''

''Everyone watches,''

''You're meant to look at your partner, that way you won't notice,'' he offered with a smile.

Looking at Steve made her angry at herself, but nevertheless she looked up and met his eyes. His eyes that were full of hope for them, unaware of the thoughts that were going through Hayley's head every time she saw him. She was trying to spare him so much pain but doing so only caused more.

She couldn't continue to go on missions and know that he was waiting to hear from her to know if she was safe, and she couldn't do the same for him. They were becoming too dependent on one another and in the end it was going to hurt both of them. All she wanted was for Steve to live the way he wanted without the idea of losing another person looming above him. She couldn't put him through the life she was beginning.

''Hey,'' Steve frowned as he watched Hayley's expression. ''What's wrong?''

''Nothing,'' she shook her head, once again refusing to meet his gaze.

''Well it's obviously something, it's been bothering you all evening,'' he argued softly. ''You can talk to me about it, you know you can tell me anything,''

Hayley bit down on her lip hard enough to draw blood, not wanting to have to face the idea of ending whatever she and Steve had. Their friendship meant the world to her, but anything more was going to complicate their lives more than either of them needed.

''I don't feel well,'' she shook her head, pulling away from Steve's grip.

Steve stood there confused for a moment, trying to work out what was going on. Soon after he was following behind Hayley as she made her way to the door, wanting to put an end to this day.

''Hayley!'' Steve called out. ''What's going on?''

''I just feel a migraine coming on,'' she explained, turning to him for a short moment. ''Listen, I'll come by tomorrow before you leave. Thank you so much for coming, I really appreciate it,''

And that was that.

* * *

Steve looked out at the city of Chicago the next morning, sipping on black instant coffee and rubbing his neck. Tossing and turning all night left very little time for sleep and even less for comfort. Ever since Hayley walked inside the night before he couldn't take his mind off what was going on. The last time they were together, back in New York before Hayley left on her mission, they were on the best of terms.

They were the closest of friends, and even more than that.

Something had to have happened on her mission that changed all of that though, and Steve was going crazy trying to work it out.

* * *

Frances always enjoyed when her children came home for a few days. She would cook up a huge breakfast and they would sit outside on the porch until lunch time when she would come back inside and prepare yet another meal. They hadn't had a morning as family since Nick's funeral, and that day would gladly be forgotten by all of them. It had never been so quiet in their home before.

But this morning Frances was insistent on having a lovely breakfast with her daughter before she was to leave again. Even though Hayley had promised to visit more, Frances didn't like to think about how long it would be until she would have her in the house again.

''Mom, sit down,'' Hayley shook her head as she walked downstairs, seeing her mother fuss about in the kitchen.

''Pancakes are all done,'' Frances smiled, picking up a plate that was overflowing with a stack of golden brown pancakes. ''Your father's on the porch,''

With a smile of excitement, Hayley skipped ahead of her mother and walked out to the porch to see the table covered with bowls of fresh fruit and two different jugs of juice. It was almost like she had woken up at a bed and breakfast retreat. Her mother loved to do this sort of thing.

''Morning dad,'' Hayley pressed a kiss to her father's cheek as he sipped his coffee.

''Good morning sweetie,'' he smiled, excited to be spending the morning with his wife and daughter. ''How'd you sleep?''

''I forgot how comfortable my bed was,'' Hayley sighed in content, pouring herself a glass of orange juice. ''And how many posters I had on my walls,''

''You know it's always there when you need it,'' Frances offered.

''I know that mom, and I promise I'll be visiting more and spending time here with you both,'' Hayley smiled. ''I miss being home,''

''Well we miss having you around,'' David smiled, reaching over to pat Hayley's shoulder. ''But we know you're busy,''

''Speaking of,'' Frances began, piling a spoonful of berries onto her pancakes. ''When do you go on your next operation?''

David looked over to his wife with a roll of his eyes, but an amused smile on his lips.

''Fran, she can't tell us any of that,'' he explained.

''And I don't do operations anymore, I'm part of the agency now,'' Hayley reminded lightly. ''Very different stuff,''

''But you're enjoying it?'' she asked.

''Yeah,'' Hayley nodded, munching on a piece of apple. ''It's good to be back out in the field. I can help more directly now and after everything in New York, I think that's what I need and want to do,''

David watched his daughter pile fruit on top of her pancakes and begin to attack the stack with her fork, a smile on his face. Living with a limp always reminded him of his days in the army, but another thing that reminded him of those days was his daughter. She had the same need to help others as he did, the same feeling that they weren't doing enough.

Hayley noticed her father's looks and paused what she was doing, a mouthful of pancake threatening to spill out between her lips.

''Did I spill some?'' she asked.

''I'm just proud of you,'' he grinned.

Hayley swallowed what was in her mouth and smiled back at her dad. His opinion and approval meant a lot to her, and to know that he was proud of what she was doing only made her even more sure that she was heading in the right direction.

After a few hours of sitting out on the porch finishing off all of the pancakes and fruit, Hayley realized just how much she missed all of this. Family. For many months after Nick's death, Hayley separated herself from everything that reminded her that she was part of one. Every time she thought of her parents, she felt guilty. But seeing how much they had missed having her here, she knew she couldn't do that again.

David stood up from where he sat at the end of their long breakfast and gasped in pain.

''Dad, are you okay?'' Hayley asked, jumping up to his side.

''I'm fine kiddo, just been sitting too long,'' he explained. ''I might go for a bit of a walk,''

''Take your stick David,'' Hayley's mother called out.

''I'm not using a damn walking stick Frances!'' he argued. ''I'll be fine,''

Shaking her head with disapproval, Frances watched as her husband walked down the steps of their porch and onto the pavement, limping away. A stubborn man who couldn't accept that he needed any sort of assistance, much like his own daughter.

When it was just the two of them left, Frances brought up the one subject that Hayley always dreaded.

''Mom, we're not talking about my relationships, okay?'' Hayley protested with a groan.

''So there _are _relationships?''

''No, there's no relationships,'' she rolled her eyes.

''Hmm, I could have sworn you and Steve-''

''Don't go there mom,'' Hayley warned, sitting forward to place her head in her hands.

''Sweetie, I'm your mom, I can tell when you've got something running around in your head that you need to let out,'' Frances smiled, reaching over to place a soft hand on Hayley's.

Shaking her head in her hands, Hayley let out a long groan and looked up to pour herself another glass of juice.

''A relationship isn't gonna work for either of us,'' Hayley shrugged, summing it up clearly. ''Not in our line of work,''

''That's a lonely life to live Hayley,'' Frances advised. ''Working for this organization doesn't mean you have to be alone because it's the easier way to live,''

''But this way no one gets hurt,'' Hayley justified. ''At least not as much as they could have been if I let it go on any longer,''

* * *

Steve had tried to get a few more hours sleep after he had woke up that morning, knowing that he needed it, but it was no use. Once the sun was up, Steve couldn't sleep, especially since Hayley told him she was going to come by before he left. Every noise he heard from the corridor outside made him wait for a knock on he door, but that knock didn't come for a few more hours.

Just as Steve zipped up his bag and sat it on his bed ready to leave, three taps at the door made him turn with a long sigh. Blake was coming by to take Steve to the airport at twelve, leaving only thirty minutes left for he and Hayley to talk about whatever was going on.

''Hey,'' Hayley tried to smiled as Steve opened the door to reveal his visitor. ''Sorry I didn't come by earlier,''

Steve stood back and held the door open for her to walk inside, saying nothing as she made her way in and walked over to the window to peer outside. Steve was on one of the highest floors of the hotel, overlooking all the streets surrounding. Hayley could have gazed down at all of the busy civilians for hours.

''How's your migraine?'' Steve asked, referring to her excuse the night before.

''Better,'' she nodded, sensing Steve's annoyance as she took a seat over by the window. ''I'm sorry about last night,''

Steve walked over with his arms folded, taking a seat across from her.

''What's going on?'' he asked, wanting answers. ''Have I done something?''

''What? No, no, you haven't done anything,'' Hayley shook her head. ''This is all me,''

''Are you sure? Because if I haven't done anything to make you avoid me, why have you been?''

Hayley could hear the frustration in Steve's voice and she understood it completely. She was confusing him, she was confusing herself, and it was exactly why this couldn't go on any longer.

''When we get back to New York, maybe things should be like they used to be,'' Hayley suggested, biting down on her lip again, something Steve knew she did when she was nervous. ''Between us,''

Steve went silent, sitting back in the chair and looking over to her in confusion. He heard every word she said, he understood what she meant, but he just didn't know why. Every time he saw how they were right now, he flashed right back to how they had been just a few days before.

''I...I thought we were...okay,'' Steve spoke, trying to phrase what he meant.

''We were,''

''Then what's going on?''

''We can't do this to one another,''

''Do what? Be together?'' he raised his voice.

''We're too dependent on this,'' Hayley argued, gesturing between the two of them.

''Too dependent?'' Steve asked, now angry. ''So you're scared we care too much about each other?''

''No that's not what I'm saying!'' Hayley snapped.

''Then what?!''

''We're holding each other back!'' she explained. ''You could go on missions for days and yet you come back to me every night. I know you Steve, I know you want to fight and I'm holding you there in New York like you're on a leash-''

''That's not true,'' Steve shook his head.

''To an extent it is, you've got to see that. The whole time I was on this mission I couldn't stop thinking of you,'' she told him honestly. ''What would happen if I didn't come back. I kissed another man because it was the fastest way to complete the mission, and all I could think about was that I only ever wanted to kiss you. My heart got in my way, and I can't let that happen again,''

Everything Hayley was saying made Steve's thoughts swirl. It had all taken him off guard. But other than the confusion, Steve was angry.

''You're ending this before it begins because you're scared,'' he told her, standing up and pacing the room. ''We're not holding each other back,''

''So you're saying you'd be fine if I didn't come home from a mission?'' Hayley asked.

''Don't ask me that, that's not the point!''

''It is the point! Steve I can't hold you back anymore, I can't be the reason you're miserable when you choose not to go on missions or not to leave because of me,''

''And you think this will help that?'' he asked. ''That I won't be miserable without you now?''

''I'll know you'll be doing what you love, and you'll know I'll be doing the same,'' Hayley told him quietly.

''I thought what we loved was each other,'' Steve put his hands on his hips. ''I thought you and me...we were in this together,''

Hayley had to look away from him, turning toward the street and wishing she was one of the people walking around worrying about missing a bus or being late for work. Anything but this.

''You have no idea how much I wish we could work,''

''The _only_ thing stopping it is whatever you're afraid of Hayley,'' he told her.

''I'm afraid of losing you, and I won't go through that again. Love doesn't work out for everyone. Some people get happiness, others get pain,''


	32. Chapter 32

_There's been a perception_  
_Of sweet hearts passing through_  
_Some of them left no trace at all_  
_Some left her black and blue_

* * *

_''Sure, they were there when all of the fighting occurred, but where are they now Julie?'_

_''Don't you think they are entitled to their own life, Mr Leonard?''_

_''This city is full of people with their own lives, but they can't move on from the devastation. Now these 'heroes' have gone into hiding. Iron Man flies around claiming to be helping people all over world and no one monitors this. The Hulk is an enormous threat and this 'security' organization refuses to tell us anything about what they're doing to prevent an attack,''_

_''Mr Leonard, most people would consider what those people did to be extremely brave and selfless. They prevented an unbelievable attack-''_

_''An attack from another world, Julie. Where one member of this team comes from,''_

_''But that team also holds an American hero and legend. Captain America fought for his country just as he did many decades ago,''_

_''And did anyone explain to us how he is still here? Does anyone know if it really is the same man?''_

_''Are we entitled to know?''_

Hayley quickly finished off the last mouthful of vodka she had left in her glass and slid off the bar stool she had been occupying for the last hour. Even across the world in another country, Hayley O'Connor couldn't escape Steve Rogers. She pulled on her thick and puffy jacket, slipped her hands into a pair of woolly gloves and made her way out onto the streets of Moscow, Russia.

Mission after mission, that's how it had been for the past month and a half for Hayley. SHIELD had been assigning her solo missions that involved checking up on former targets to reporting on the day to day routines of current targets. All relatively easy, repetitive missions. Whatever kept her busy, kept her mind active and kept her from going back to New York.

The situation between Hayley and Steve had been complicated to say at the least since their argument in Chicago. Hayley told Steve she wanted them to go back to the way they were, but for Steve it just wasn't possible with the feelings they had for one another. The few times they had passed one another in the halls of the building since their argument, Hayley could see the anger and hurt in Steve's expression, even if he was trying to fake a smile. It was easier for both of them if they kept busing with operations and missions.

Making it back to her hotel room just before midnight, Hayley peeled off her layers of clothing and opened her computer to log the day for their target. Soon she would fall asleep and wake up to repeat this day again, over and over until the assignment was complete. Her mother was right when she told Hayley this would be a lonely way to live, but Benjamin Flynn was also right; it was much easier.

* * *

''Thanks for saving our asses out there Cap,''

''Thanks for saving mine,'' Steve chuckled in return, pulling his shield from his back and placing it by his feet.

The jet ride back to New York was unsteady thanks to the storm rolling in, but after the evening Steve had, it was barely noticeable. Captain America had been called in to assist a strike team operation in Greece and although he was already working on the plan of attack for another mission, he couldn't pass up helping out the team that got Steve back into regular field operations.

SHIELD always offered Steve missions, but he liked to work closely within a team rather than on his own. Steve was all about tactic and leadership, which meant field operations like the ones he had been busying himself with these past few weeks were meant for him.

''These ops would go a hell of a lot smoother if you were with us on all of them,''

''You've got a good team here Rumlow,'' Steve slipped off his gloves. ''It's doing just fine without me,''

_"Cap, what's your ETA?"_

Steve pressed a finger to the device in his ear where Natasha Romanoff's voice was coming through.

''Forty minutes, give or take. Is there a problem?''

''How do you feel about doing another mission?'' Natasha asked.

It wasn't a hard choice for Steve. He had been away from New York for two days, he could easily go out on another assignment straight away. There was nothing calling for him to go back home, nothing waiting for him back at his silent and lonely apartment.

Steve always knew that he spent a lot of time with Hayley and mostly at her apartment, but it wasn't until recently that he realized just how much of his day was filled with counting down the hours until he could go see her. In a way, he could see the how Hayley's arguments had merit. They both worked through the day with the goal of seeing one another at the end. Maybe it wasn't the way SHIELD operatives were meant to live, but they had been doing just fine.

Something had happened on Hayley's first mission, something that made her change her mind about letting herself be in love or be happy. She admit to kissing another man, but Steve knew there was more to it than guilt over that. It had to do with her partner, the one she had been venting to Steve about. There was something about him Steve didn't like, something that gave him a bad feeling. The Hayley that left for that mission was not the same person who came back.

But whatever the reason, the reality was that life had to go on.

''I'm in,''

* * *

Hayley's hair was covering her face and her body was covered in blankets and pillows when her phone began vibrating loudly on the nightstand. With a groan of disapproval, she rolled over twice to reach the far end of the bed and reached her arm out to try and stop the horribly annoying sound. In the pitch black, Hayley's hand knocked several items from the nightstand including her phone.

''Shit,'' she complained loudly.

Her legs were the only thing left in the bed as she slid down to the floor to retrieve the glowing device. It was a lot more effort than she anticipated, huffing as she pulled the phone to her ear.

''Hello?'' she groaned into the phone in a hoarse voice.

''This is agent?''

The thick Russian accent made Hayley pull herself up and turn on the lamp on the nightstand. It was Leo, her informant who lived in the apartment across from the target she had been assigned to shadow. He spoke some English and was a ex police officer, making it very convenient for Hayley to organize a deal with the man to share information about Vasilli Borya.

''Leo?'' Hayley rubbed her tired eyes, looking over to see that it was only 2.33 in the morning. ''Are you okay?''

''About Vasilli,'' Leo announced. ''I hear yelling, he speaks of a spy, he says he has someone watching the woman. I think he is speaking of you agent,''

Climbing out of bed, Hayley wedged the phone between her cheek and shoulder as she slipped on her black jeans and looked around the room for her boots to pull on. If Vasilli was onto her, Hayley had to get out of here now.

''Where is he now Leo?'' she asked, hurrying over to the drawer where she kept all of her guns and weapons.

''He left just before I call you,'' Leo answered. ''I have bad feeling he is coming to find you agent,''

''It's okay, I'm waiting for the bastard,'' Hayley pulled back the pistol to make sure it was loaded. ''Thanks Leo,''

''Be safe agent,''

Hayley slid the phone into her pocket and strapped a spare gun to her ankle, slipping a knife into the back of her pants. With a few clicks into the laptop, a SHIELD virus began to wipe any sign of use from the computer and shut down without anything left to find. Hayley pulled on a long sleeved shirt and was searching for her puffy jacket when she heard heavy, determined steps coming down the hall.

They weren't the steps of another guest or hotel staff. Vasilli Borya was here.

Hayley gripped the loaded gun in her hands and stood with her back against the wall next to the door. Only moments ago she was in a peaceful sleep and now her heart was beating out of her chest. But it was an adrenaline that she had become addicted to.

Soon Vasilli Borya would kick down her door and be met with a powerful knee to his stomach, flooring him. Vasilli had brought along a switchblade and no backup. Clearly an impulse visit. But he had someone find where she was, which meant this assignment was now over.

''One little old switchblade?'' Hayley shook her head, kneeling down next to Vasilli as he choked of his breath, taking the knife from where it lay in front of him. ''What were you going to accomplish with this Vasilli?''

Heaving for air, Vasilli looked up at Hayley with a hateful glare.

''My people know your face,'' Vasilli told her angrily. ''Your name,''

''Huh,'' Hayley nodded, playing with the switchblade. ''And yet you came by yourself?''

''I come to tell you, you will not get far,''

''Well thanks Vasilli,'' Hayley smiled as she stood up, slipping the switchblade into her pocket. ''But your people won't be in use much longer,''

Hayley walked out of her room, stepping over the broken door and pulling out her phone to call the one number she only ever called when assignments were complete. She hadn't had to walk away from one yet, and although she had gathered quite a lot of information on Vasilli Borya and his connections, Hayley didn't feel satisfied with the outcome of the mission. But SHIELD protocol when cover had been blown was to exit the assignment.

SHIELD would take care of Vasilla Borya and the others by the time the sun came up, but for Hayley, she was done here.

* * *

Hayley had been in Agent Lewis' office many times over the past month. Every time one was finished, she was in here again being briefed on her next target. Shadowing seemed to be a task she had taken a liking to, mostly because it didn't require a partner and gave her more of an insight into being a real agent, and Lewis had made sure that her skills were being put to good use.

Every assignment he gave her ended in better results each time. She was taking to her new field exceptionally well. After the Vasilli Borya mission, Hayley was ordered to return to the New York SHIELD facility in order to be briefed on three more missions that she would be undertaking, each following one another in numerous European locations. Hayley had expressed her dislike to coming back to New York just to be handed a file, so now she would only need a call from Agent Lewis and she would be cleared for the next mission until it was time to come back here again.

With her feet stretched up and resting on Lewis' desk, Hayley was almost asleep in the chair when the agent walked into the room, the loud shut of the door jolting her into sitting up more professionally. Lewis was looking down at a report, staring at the paper as he took a seat on the other side of the desk.

''I see Mr Borya paid you a visit,'' he tossed the report down on the table.

''Nice guy,'' Hayley nodded. ''Terrible tactics,''

''I agree with you there,'' he chuckled. ''Borya had you followed for two days it seems, so the man himself says,''

''Well whoever he employed to stalk me kept their distance, I didn't know a thing,''

''We don't know if it was his people who followed you or an outsider, but we'll know very soon. I have two operatives in Moscow now raiding Borya's men for experimental weapons,''

Hayley looked over to the agent as if she was expecting him to continue. There had to be a team out there to go against these men. Borya may not have been the most threatening man in Hayley's opinion, but it was because his men did all the dirty work.

''Wait, there's only _two _operatives on this?'' she asked.

''Two of the most highly skilled operatives, yes,''

''I didn't get a clear number on Borya's men,'' Hayley shook her head. ''There could be more,''

''I'm more than confident that these two can handle it,''

* * *

Steve stood behind Natasha as she spoke quickly in Russian, urging the neighbors of the ground level apartment to leave, that it was too dangerous for them to stay. Dressed in his uniform, Steve could barely feel his toes from the freezing cold breeze that seemed to never relent. Natasha seemed unfazed by the snow or chilly air, the sensation of her surroundings bringing back many memories.

''On my count,'' Steve whispered, shield gripped tight in his fingers. ''3, 2, 1!''

Natasha's guns fired three shots and knocked four men to the ground in pain before she hurried off down the hall to find others. Steve went forward to knock one of the men back to the ground, looking around every corner for any sign of more criminals hiding out in the run down apartment. It seemed quite. Granted, it was late at night, but they were expecting to find more than four men sitting in the living room.

''Clear!'' Natasha called from down the hall, hurrying back to where Steve was searching. ''Take the other rooms, I want to ask these boys some questions,''

Steve put his shield in front of him as he walked, kicking open every door and searching the rooms swiftly and perfectly. No other bodies in the apartment. The mission had outlined that there were an unknown number of men inside the apartment with many unauthorized, dangerous and experimental weapons. An agent had angered and engaged with the main man, Vassili Borya, and it was Steve and Natasha's mission to shut down his followers in case a retaliation came against the agent or SHIELD.

It seemed Steve had assumed things around the wrong way. There was much less men than he thought, but much more weapons.

They were in every room, lying around on the floor in pieces. One of the rooms seemed to be the main manufacturing area for grenades. Steve made his way carefully around that room and out again, making a mental note of which room to warn Romanoff about.

It wasn't until he reached the last room in the hall that his mouth fell open in shock. All of the other rooms contained high-powered guns and explosives that he knew nothing about, but he remained calm and composed. Now, staring at a cork board covered in photos, he was worried. A bundled up, pale version of Hayley O'Connor was shown in all of the photos that he was seeing.

Ones of her walking down the street, reading a newspaper, sitting at a bar, pouring a glass of vodka, peering around a corner. Every move Hayley could have possibly made during a day was depicted on this wall. And it all clicked to Steve at once. Hayley was that agent.


	33. Chapter 33

_You let your feet run wild_  
_the time has come as we all go down_  
_Oh, before the fall_  
_do you dare to look them right in the eyes?_

* * *

Hayley slammed the door behind her with a desperate force, taking a few steps into her apartment before leaning her hands down on her knees to catch her breath. Her long ponytail was sticking to her neck with sweat, her chest heaving as she took a moment to compose herself. Running around New York City at night after a few hours in the training gym was bound to take every last ounce of energy out of someone.

Dragging herself over to the refrigerator, Hayley grabbed a carton of juice and took a long swig before scrunching her eyes in disgust. She really needed to do some grocery shopping, but these days she was rarely ever home. Walking into her bedroom, Hayley reached down to the bag she had been living out of and rifled through until she felt a hard glass bottle. Pulling it out and unscrewing the cap, Hayley stood and gulped down a few mouthfuls of the high quality vodka she brought back with her before collapsing onto her bed to once again think back to everything that had happened that evening.

''You're suspending my assignments?'' Hayley asked, eyebrows pulled together in concern.

''Temporarily,'' Lewis added as they walked down the corridor toward his office. ''We've still got a few ends to tie up on Vasilli Borya's case,''

''So you send me back to Moscow and I'll finish it,''

''It's not as easy at that,''

Hayley folded her arms as she walked by Agent Lewis' side, growing more and more frustrated.

''You took me off Borya's case yesterday. If you're not sending me back to Moscow I don't know what I can contribute,''

''I didn't say I wasn't sending you back,''

As they turned toward the door to Lewis' office, Hayley prepared to ask yet another question about what was going on and what he meant when she noticed that they were not the only ones occupying the room. On the other side of Lewis' desk, dressed in their field gear and looking as if they had just returned, sat Natasha Romanoff and Steve Rogers.

Hayley kept herself calm as she looked between the two operatives and then back toward the man in charge, a thousand more questions running through her mind.

''But you won't be going alone,''

Steve watched as Hayley turned back to Agent Lewis with a look that quickly turned into a slight glare, obviously not fond of the idea at all. SHIELD had hundreds of field operatives, hundreds of agents that could have been brought in, but it just had to be Steve Rogers. It was as if something kept pulling them together.

Lewis advised Hayley to take a seat, which she did with caution, readying herself for the assignment she was about to be briefed on. It was hard to keep her eyes from drifting toward Steve, wanting to see his face again after so long without being able to gaze at him all day like she used to. It wasn't until she had been without his company that she realized how much it hurt to be without it.

''Agent Romanoff and Captain Rogers were sent in to shut down any of Borya's plans that his men were working on,'' Lewis explained, gaining Hayley's attention again. ''But it turns out Vasilli Borya wasn't the man we assigned to you,''

A long pause passed among them.

''What?'' Hayley asked in disbelief. ''The man I spent weeks shadowing...was the wrong guy?''

''Vasilli Borya has been in hiding for a long time. Agent Romanoff found numerous letters of instructions from Borya. A few months before Borya became a threat to SHIELD, he hired a man we now know to be named Aleksander Nikav to assume his identity in case any interested parties became too close,''

Hayley leaned forward and put her head in her hands for a moment, running her fingers back through her hair as she took a deep breath and adjusted to the information.

''How do we find the real Vasilli?'' she asked calmly, although the anger in her voice was obvious.

''Nikav has given some information, but it's very little. We're working on a location but our best option is to utilize their knowledge of you,'' Lewis explained.

''Of me?''

''Borya's allies were watching you. Not enough for you to notice, but enough to let Vasilli know,'' Natasha announced. ''He has men everywhere and they have enough information on you to find you if you ever returned to Moscow,''

''So to find Borya, I go back to Moscow and see which lackey comes to kill me?'' Hayley asked.

''It will be a detailed operation Agent O'Connor,'' Lewis assured.

''Why don't we just wait for them to find me here or anywhere else in the world?''

''Borya doesn't leave Russia,'' Natasha informed. ''He trusts only those within his circle and he's made more than enough enemies outside his country to be smart enough not to leave,''

''You won't be going in alone,'' Steve chimed in, finally speaking. ''We have a whole team lined up,''

''If I'm going to be the bait, I'm not settling for just the henchmen,'' Hayley shook her head. ''I'm staying until we get Borya,''

''That's what I want,'' Lewis nodded. ''Now let's talk specifics,''

They would leave in two days. Hayley would arrive on her own as to not raise anymore suspicioun, returning to the same hotel she was previously in and carrying about the same routine. If Borya's men were looking for her, they would find her fast.

Steve and Natasha would arrive soon after, staying at an apartment under the radar and leading the tactical and strike team who would be ready to go. Everyone wanted to find those men and take them in, it was going to be a complete team effort.

There were still more specifics to talk about, but it was to be discussed the next afternoon. Lewis wanted Hayley to have time to prepare and for Steve and Natasha to rest after getting back from their assignment only hours ago.

When Hayley walked out of the room, she could hear Steve's heavy boots that he wore with his uniform following behind her. He didn't mean to follow, but it was hard when they were heading in the same direction. Nothing felt right about trailing behind her as if they didn't know one another, as if they hadn't spent the last month apart and wished they could speak to one another like they used to.

Steve rested his hands on his belt as he continued to walk, looking up only when Hayley's pace slowed and she turned back to him.

''I'm sorry I got you dragged into my clean up mission,'' she told him with a small smile. ''I know you'd rather be on a mission with anyone else right now, so I'm sorry,''

''You didn't get me dragged into anything,'' Steve shook his head. ''It's not your fault,''

''Well if I did my job right none of this would be happening,'' she rolled her eyes, turning away and making her way to the first flight of stairs.

''You _did _your job right, you did what SHIELD assigned you to do,'' Steve explained.

''And I didn't even know I was being followed,'' she shook her head angrily. ''I didn't know that someone was doing to me what I was there to do. A good agent should know when they're being watched,''

Steve could tell that there was going to be no talking Hayley out of placing the blame on herself for this mission. She couldn't see his logic, she only saw her own mistakes. There were so many things that had changed since they had parted ways, but it was now becoming apparent to Steve that Hayley had gone back to the way she used to think. Blaming herself for everything.

Following her down the next set of stairs as well, Steve didn't know if he should offer himself for her to talk to or suggest catching up to take her mind off things. Spending any time with Hayley was undoubtedly going to bring back a lot of feelings he had desperately tried to avoid during the past month, but whenever they were around one another it was all they wanted. To be alone, to be the way they used to be.

''Hayley,'' Steve called out as she paced toward her apartment door.

Hayley turned to him immediately, pausing her steps. But Steve didn't say anything. He wasn't sure what he was planning to say after calling out to her, or what he was going to say right now as he was put on the spot. But it turned out he didn't have to say a word. Hayley knew.

''I'm fine,'' she told him with a nod and a smile. ''Go take care of yourself for once, alright?''

Steve smiled back at her and waited for her to step into her apartment. He missed the days when he would follow her inside and the door would close behind him rather than in front.

As much as Steve had tried to live by Hayley's reasoning that they would each be better off without being so dependent on one another, he couldn't help miss everything about being so close to someone. Dependence wasn't healthy, and he knew that they were bordering on being very bad for one another, but some days he would rather live like that than wondering.

* * *

Hayley watched as the clouds floated by her window, staring out at the blue sky as she tapped against the table rhythmically. There were five people on the jet this time, many more than the last time she flew to this mission.

Natasha and Steve sat down the back talking tactic and how they were going to organize the teams they had set up in Moscow already. Two other agents were seated just behind Hayley, one sipping on a cup of coffee and the other looking around the cabin and out the windows as if he was bored, but his trained eyes were working. They were there to assist in the changeover just before Moscow.

Hayley would separate from them all and make her way back to the hotel, down the same streets that she used to walk daily, when she thought she was following the right man. Borya's men had people watching for her and Hayley had to prepare herself for anything happening. She wasn't completely alone, the teams were ready in place if they were needed, but to Hayley it was just her against whoever came at her. Which is why there were knives hidden down the side of her boots and a gun strapped to the back of her pants.

It was a few hours into the journey when Steve moved up to the front of the jet, looking at Hayley cautiously for a moment before taking a seat across from her and the small table.

''We'll land for you in about three hours,'' he informed.

Hayley nodded, turning away from the window.

''Still time for an in-flight movie then,'' she smiled, folding her arms.

''And for you to put on your vest,'' he reminded. ''I won't have you get off this jet without it,''

''A vest won't stop a knife to my throat or a bullet to my head,''

''Hey,'' Steve shook his head, looking down at his hands. ''Don't,''

Hayley watched as he interlocked his fingers, tightly gripping them together until his knuckles were white. She wished he wasn't on this mission. After everything Hayley had put him through, now he had to watch on as she walked into a deadly mission and be ready to jump into the fight.

Steve was doing just fine working missions with Natasha and the Strike team, he was working and doing what Hayley knew he loved doing. He was living like she wanted him to, without her holding him back in any way, and this mission had just taken them a step backwards.

''Don't worry,'' Hayley leaned in closer, giving him a comforting smile. ''I'll have the vest on, and my best war face,''

* * *

_***Way Down - Kaleo**_


	34. Chapter 34

_Dark, you can't come soon enough for me_  
_Saved, from one more day of misery_  
_Everything I love_  
_Get back for me now_  
_Everyone I love_  
_I need you now_

* * *

''Spasiba,'' Hayley smiled at the receptionist, taking the room key into her hands and gripping it tight as she began to walk down the long corridor.

The same corridor that she had walked down many times without the knowledge that anyone was watching her, but that she was the only one watching them. It made her feel so foolish now that she didn't know. She should have known.

The room she had been assigned was a street view, single bed and bathroom lodging. Hayley closed the door behind her, locking it, as she began to look around the room for any signs of bugging or corruption. Being a street view would give her the best access to activity outside, but it also gave Borya's men an excellent advantage. It was easier to be found than go looking.

_''Everything okay in there?'' _Natasha's voice came through to Hayley's ear.

''Seems to be,'' Hayley answered as she opened the last drawer. ''For now,''

_''We'll be arriving within the hour. At five you head out to the bar, we'll be watching and the team will be ready, you won't see us,''_

''They won't take me tonight, not if they're smart. They're paranoid,''

_''They're paranoid and stupid, they could do anything,'' _Natasha warned.

''I can't wait,'' Hayley sighed.

Kicking off her boots, Hayley threw herself back onto the bed and took a deep breath. It was hard to ignore the fact she could be being watched right now by Borya's men as they planned their scheme. Apparently all of his men knew her face and since they preferred to operate out of Moscow, it wouldn't take long at all before one of them made their approach.

But this was her job. Hayley was a SHIELD agent and this was what they did. There was no point to overthinking it, it was already happening.

* * *

It was exactly five when Hayley stepped out of her hotel room, sliding the key into her back pocket as she walked down the corridor, pulling on her puffy winter coat. Even with boots and layers, the harsh breeze outside felt raw and freezing. It was only a few blocks to the bar she used to frequent, the one where Borya's fake used to drink of an evening.

Hayley remembered her daily routine during those weeks and for a moment it felt like she was still working that same case, but this time around it had much bigger consequences. This time she wasn't the cat, but instead the mouse.

_''We see you,'' _Steve spoke through the earpiece.

''Front row seats for you guys, huh?'' Hayley spoke quietly, her lips hidden by the woolly collar of her coat.

_''You know the signal if you need it,'' _Steve reminded. _''We'll be watching,''_

As comforting as it was to know that she wasn't really alone if anything did happen, it felt very odd to have so many people watching her all at once. Every move she made, every word she said, all of it was going to be seen and heard.

All she had to do was sit, have a drink, watch the news and be on her way.

When she walked inside the bar, she instantly felt the temperature change. The fire in the corner warming up the whole room and making the guests almost forget about the snowy streets outside. The barman looked over to her with surprise, walking down to her end of the bar when she slid her coat from her shoulders and took a seat.

''I was beginning to worry,'' he spoke in Russian, picking up one of the numerous bottles of vodka on the shelf behind him and pouring her a glass.

''Me too, I thought I would never get another drink,'' Hayley answered in perfect Russian.

To everyone inside, she was no tourist. As far as the barman knew, she was new to town and liked to drink. That's all he needed to know and it was all that Hayley was willing to give.

''You are well I hope,'' he continued, sliding the half-full glass toward her.

''I will be very soon,'' Hayley grabbed the glass and lifted it to her mouth to gulp down.

The barman looked around the room, noticing his patron's attention being taken by a card game currently underway, and decided to lean in closer to Hayley as if he only wanted her to hear him.

''There has been men here,'' he began, pausing once more to look around. ''Suspicious men,''

Hayley subtly looked over her shoulder at the table where the man she followed used to sit. It was empty.

''Did they cause you trouble?'' she asked.

''No, no, no,'' he shook his head, leaning closer. ''They asked me about the woman who sat here every night,''

Staring at him intently, Hayley studied whether the barman, the person she spent the most time with on her mission, was telling her the truth. Vasilli Borya had men everywhere around Russia, in Moscow specifically, and he could have easily been one of the lackeys.

''I don't know what you're involved in,'' he told her. ''But these men...they're no good,''

Hayley watched him very carefully.

''Who were they?'' she asked.

Once again, the man looked around cautiously.

''They own much of this city, they control so much,'' he told her, warning in his voice. ''I did not tell them much at all,''

''What did you tell them?''

''That I did not know your name or why you were here, but you came every night and did not say a word. They found it suspicious,''

''When was this?'' Hayley asked eagerly.

''Two nights ago,'' he told her honestly. ''I don't think you should be here,''

Hayley looked down at her glass and swallowed the rest of her vodka, letting it burn her throat as she sat the glass back down. He wasn't telling her anything she didn't already know; they were looking for her. But she appreciated his warning.

''Thank you,'' she told him, genuine.

He smiled back at her with a nod, leaning back away from Hayley to look back up at the card game continuing in the corner of his bar. Only a second later did the sound of piercing glass fill the room. Looking over to the window by the door, Hayley noticed a bullet hole. Small, precise and lethal.

Blood dripped onto her hand as she turned back to the barman, his body beginning to fall forward as he came to the realization that he had been shot. Hayley watched in horror as his body went limp, a clear bullet wound obvious on his left temple, and he slid from the top of the bar onto the ground with a loud thud.

Her chest heaving with adrenaline, Hayley barely noticed the patrons of the bar fleeing out the back door and a few through the one next to where she sat. The cold breeze from the street hit her skin like a branding iron, waking her up to what had just happening.

''Do not,'' she began, her breath uneasy. ''Do not engage,''

_''Get down Hayley!'' _Steve ordered.

''They can see me already,'' she told him. ''They're still watching,''

_''Tac team-''_

''I said do not engage!'' Hayley repeated angrily, cutting off Steve's order.

Steve was taken aback by her strong words, wondering why she wouldn't want protection. They could see her, they were armed, and they were precise. They could take her out right now if they wanted.

''They won't kill me tonight,'' she told him, mirroring her earlier words. ''They know I'm not alone, they're probably following you guys too,''

_''Not possible,''_ Natasha assured.

''I just...give me a minute,'' she breathed.

Steve watched on anxiously, wishing he could run across the snowy street from their hideaway apartment and be there with her. Even from so far away, he could see her body trembling, hey eyes wide as she tried to comprehend what had happened.

Hayley knew that every move she made right now was being watched through the lens of a sniper rifle scope, but she knew they weren't going to shoot her yet. They had their shot, they had every chance they needed to take her out, but that's not what they wanted, not just yet. They knew she was there for them and had brought along others to help her, and this was their way of warning.

Killing an innocent man, a good man who was trying to help her when he didn't need to, was their warning to stay away.

_''Hayley,''_ Steve's voice called to her, desperately trying to get through to her. _''Get out of there,''_

Reaching over behind the counter, unable to avoid the pool of blood, Hayley grabbed one of the many receipts sitting next to the register and picked up a pen to scribble on the back with a shaky hand. Speaking in Russian was doable, but writing in it was impossible for her at the moment, so she settled for English to get her message across.

Scooting back from the bar, Hayley pulled on her coat without bothering to zip up the front, feeling the freezing air against her body as she stepped outside and looked around at the buildings across the street. In one of them were people willing to protect her, in another were those looking to end her life.

One one of the shards of glass sticking out from the ruined window, Hayley stuck her messy note for them all to see as she began walking off back to her hotel. Every step she took was heavy and angry, wishing one of Borya's men would appear at the end of the street just so she would have something to beat and kick.

Natasha raised her eyebrow at Hayley's warning note before she ordered the tac team to keep close eyes on the agent as she made her way back to her room. Steve picked up one of the high-quality SHIELD binoculars and looked over at what Hayley had wrote, wondering what was going to happen as a result.

_Make your move before I make mine, fuckers._

* * *

Hayley had never seen herself look so pale and exhausted. She certainly didn't feel as bad as she looked, not when there was adrenaline coursing through her body every time she heard a noise in the hall or out on the street. It had been three days and Hayley had slept five hours.

After the incident at the bar, Hayley was more eager than ever to find these men and make her way to the leader himself. The SHIELD tactical team were raiding numerous hideouts, capturing low-end lackeys and getting next to no new information from any of them. No one was willing to talk. Which meant they would have to keep going until they found someone who would.

Steve and Natasha were gone during the day tracking down leads, but they made sure there was always someone watching Hayley's hotel room. Not that the protection from outside gave Hayley any sense of relief or safety. If Borya's men wanted her dead, she would be dead. If they wanted to attack, they would.

A recruit in the tac team had been shot in the leg during a raid, requiring evacuation from the assignment. Another person who was suffering because Hayley couldn't stop the man who was working so hard to scare her. Hayley wasn't afraid of the dark, at least not for unwarranted reasons, and she didn't jump at the slightest of sounds on a good day. But as each hour passed and she was held up in her hotel room wondering what each movement was, what each sound meant, she couldn't help feel as though she was becoming exactly what they wanted her to be. Frightened.

On the third night, Hayley positioned herself against a wall in the corner, sitting down on the floor with a soft pillow in her lap, squeezing it tight for comfort. Dressed in her black mission attire and a gun at the ready, there was once again no sleep in sight.

''Hey, Steve?'' she spoke softly, knowing that he would be listening.

_''Yeah?''_ he responded almost immediately.

Across the street in a dingy old apartment, there was not much else for Steve to do at the end of the day than wonder what Hayley was thinking up there on her own. With so many people monitoring her with mixed intentions, he couldn't imagine how she was feeling.

''How is everything down there?'' she asked after a yawn. ''What's going on?''

Steve didn't need to see her to know how tired she was.

_''Everything's fine. Romanoff is working on tapping a phone line and half the team is resting,''_

''Why aren't you?''

_''Believe it or not, I'm not tired,'' _he told her honestly, looking up at her room, trying to find where she was. _''You should sleep. You'll be safe,''_

Hayley wished she could sleep. Even with Steve assuring safety, she knew there was no real certainty. But it wasn't the fear of danger that was keeping her awake, it was the anticipation.

After a moment of silence, Hayley pulled the pillow tightly to her chest and leaned back to rest her head against the hard wall. The last thing Hayley wanted right now was silence, but it wasn't just any noise she wanted to hear. The sound of Steve's voice had always soothed her, whether it be waking up from a nightmare or falling asleep on the couch. Right now, that was all she wanted to hear.

Amid this chaos, her mind needed some peacefulness.

''Tell me about the 40's,'' she asked after a few minutes had passed.

Steve was quite surprised by her change of topic. They had always discussed differences from now and then, always acknowledging what Steve grew up with versus what the norm was these days.

_''What do you want to know?'' _he asked, leaning back in his chair lazily.

''Tell me anything,'' she sighed.

Steve smiled to himself, warmed by the fact she just wanted to hear him speak, and he was more than happy to oblige. He knew that Hayley was anxious and he knew they always calmed one another down. They may not have been side by side on the couch back at her apartment, but he imagined that was exactly where there were instead of here in Moscow in the middle of a deadly mission.

''What were you like?''

_''Short,'' _Steve chuckled. _''Shorter than you'd probably imagine,''_

Hayley smiled.

''I can't imagine you short,''

_''Imagine short, skinny, terrible haircut and wearing over-sized clothes,''_ Steve explained as he reminisced on his old appearance.

''You told me you went on dates,'' she reminded.

_''Yeah, bad dates,'' _he corrected with a soft laugh. _''No girl wanted to be out with a guy as short and skinny as me,''_

''Well they would have missed out,''

There was a pause between the two of them, Steve smiling to himself before clearing his throat.

_''Well, I was allergic to quite a lot so it wouldn't have been much of a date,'' _

Hayley chuckled quietly as she kept her eyes closed, imagining the Steve Rogers he had painted for her, trying to see him sitting in a diner with a girl who clearly didn't want to be there. It was hard to imagine that part. She couldn't seem to fathom anyone not enjoying Steve's company, no matter how short of frail he happened to appear.

''Tell me more about it,'' she encouraged.

_''What do you want to hear? The times I got beat up, the time me and Bucky were almost arrested or the fake names I used to enlist?''_

Hayley chuckled for a moment, getting comfortable once again against the wall and cuddling the pillow comfortingly.

''All of it,''


	35. Chapter 35

**Hey guys! I hope you're all still enjoying the story and I would really appreciate it if you could take some time to review and let me know what you think and if you're liking the direction that I'm taking. I really take on any feedback and I appreciate you all reading!**

* * *

_I feel the knife going in_  
_I'm feeling anxious_  
_Not enough to kill me_  
_I thought it'd happen fast_  
_But I'm feeling it now and I feel anxious_

* * *

Bound to a chair by thick and heavy chains, there was no escape for her. Three men stood around the dark and cold cell, arms by their sides, ready to attack anything that came near them.

''You've answered nothing,'' Borya shook his head, kneeling down to look at her bruised and bloodied face. ''You're holding onto the hope that someone is coming for you. But let me tell you this, _no one _knows these tunnels like I do, no one will find you,''

Letting her bloodied teeth show, Hayley smiled back at the man, knowing it would aggravate him. They had taken her thinking she would give up information about SHIELD, that she would give in to their violent form of torture.

''I bet you're counting on that, for your sake,'' she told them, ignoring the ache of a newly loose tooth.

''If I were you I would use that pretty mouth of yours to start answering some questions instead of entertaining your delusion,'' he warned.

''Let me tell you something,'' she nodded, spitting out a mouthful of blood nearby Borya. ''Your men, they would talk until they were blue about all your little secrets. Your hopes of a French drug trading deal, the stash houses for all your dirty money, everything you want no one to know. They squealed like pigs. And I'm no pig,''

Borya clenched his hand into a fist, standing up and turning his back to his hostage. The other men looked over to him, wondering what his next move was going to be. They had done this many times, their patience was high, but Hayley knew she would outlast them all. Even if it killed her.

* * *

_*Four hours earlier*_

Borya's men were getting sloppy. Their numbers were depleting thanks to the tac team's efforts and Natasha's ability to tap phone lines around the city. As many lackeys as they found, interrogated and handed over to be arrested, there were still plenty out there. Borya would give orders hourly every day and SHIELD would stay on top of all their moves as best they could.

Slowly, all of this was working. Sleeping on the bathroom floor, away from the visible window she was being watched through, was worth it.

Hayley had left her hotel room only a few times since the evening at the bar a week ago. Since there was to be no physical or visible contact between SHIELD or Hayley, she had to leave for the essentials. It made her look more normal. She was held up in her room all day long, people needed to know she was still there and erase suspicion.

Stopping in an aisle to pick up a box of cookies, Hayley gazed over her shoulder to see a man standing at the other end. He had a thick coat on, one that could hide multiple weapons without raising any eyebrows. As her eyes stayed focused on the man, she watched as his head gave a short nod before bending down to read the back of an instant coffee jar.

''One of these times I'm going to end up shooting at one of these tac guys,'' Hayley spoke quietly, mumbling as she threw the box of cookies into her basket.

_''I thought they were blending well,'' _Natasha replied.

''Yeah, too well,''

Continuing through the store, Hayley filled her basket with a few more items. Pastries, a jar of peanut butter and a few bottles of lemonade should last her at least a few more days, if this was going to last that long. As she made her way to the register, she could feel herself being followed by the SHIELD member. They were being subtle, but since Hayley was aware of their presence, every step they took seemed loud and obvious.

_''We're getting word of an attack,''_ Natasha's voice came through before Hayley made it to the counter. _''Get down now!''_

As soon as Hayley heard the words, her body dropped to the ground, sliding along the newly polished floors and hiding behind a display shelf. Gunshots rang through the small store, piercing through boxes of cereal and splattering produce all over the place. Machine guns, continual rounds, non-stop bullets.

Flicking her head to the side, Hayley could see the tactical soldier firing his gun back against the intruders. Quickly, she reached down to her leg and pulled the bottom of her cargo pants from her boot and retrieved two hand guns. Taking off the safety, Hayley gripped them tight in her hands and stood up to aim at the now visible intruders.

Dressed in black, their faces covered by balaclavas, the four men shot toward Hayley and the tactical soldier as they approached intimidatingly. The soldier shot one of them in the leg, watching him fall down in pain but continue to shot toward them. Hayley fired two shots, each at two different men, and shot one of them in the chest. He dropped to the ground instantly, hand clutching his bleeding wound, a moment later laying motionless.

Crouching down behind another display stand, Hayley looked over to the soldier to see a pool of blood by his side. He had been shot in his hip, but it wasn't stopping him from firing back at their attackers.

''Stay down! I can take them!' Hayley advised.

But the next time she turned around, she felt a sharp sting in her neck. There was no sound, no shot fired, but she had definitely been hit. Reaching up instinctively as if an ant had bitten her, Hayley pulled a long needle from her skin and pulled it close to analyze. But it fell from her hands so freely, her fingers didn't even try to close and capture it.

Then it became apparent; she couldn't move.

''Kill the bodyguard,'' one of the men ordered, ceasing his fire and making his way toward Hayley.

At that point, her legs were only just beginning to lose feeling as well. She could sense herself moving forward, falling down, before the man put his arms beneath her and picked her up effortlessly. A gunshot rang through the store as customers continued to rush outside.

''Leave him,'' the man ordered his partner, gesturing to their friend who was laying on the ground with a leg bleeding out. ''No time. We must get her to him now before the rest come,''

Hayley couldn't speak. Nothing in her body was working. Arms, legs, mouth, everything was out of her control. But she could see and hear everything going on around her. As the man shuffled her in his arms to walk, Hayley's arm swung around into her eyesight, making her heart beat even faster with concern. It was paler than the white polished floors they were moving across.

There were sounds of gunfire and shattering glass behind her, but Hayley was unable to turn her head to see what was happening. It was no doubt the SHIELD tactical team. As soon as the soldier inside indicated danger, they would have the store surrounded. Which they did. But Borya's men were counting on that, and they had their own group of armed defense ready to engage in a firefight.

Hayley was placed into the back of an armored van, sat upright and secured by two wrist restraints to keep her straight. There were many things to be fearful of right now, but Hayley would have been a lot calmer if she could feel a single thing in her body. It was unlike any other fear she had ever felt in her life. She was completely out of her own control.

''This is an American creation,'' the man accompanying her spoke, lifting out a small vial of smokey liquid. ''Temporary paralysis. It wears off, but the power it has over someone is incredible,''

All Hayley could do was stare back without the ability to even glare at the man angrily. She couldn't imagine how helpless she would have looked. But it was a temporary injection, which meant when it wore off, Hayley would give them hell.

* * *

''I want the tac team re-geared and ready to go on my order,'' Steve announced firmly, walking down the hall to meet Natasha in their makeshift operation headquarters.

Ever since Steve received the news about the attack and Hayley's abduction, tensions were high among the mission team. He had been out chasing leads of Borya's possible surfacing when Natasha informed him of what happened.

Steve was furious. Not only at Borya's men, but about the whole operation. They had received word from a reliable source to follow a certain lead which turned out to be nothing. The tactical team were unable to stop the van taking Hayley away and all of the men they had captured afterwards were completely useless. They either didn't speak a word or weren't told anything further to share.

''I'll need to count how many we've got left,'' Natasha folded her arms. ''A few were wounded in the hit on the store, couple them with the others we lost over the week and we might still have a team,''

Putting his hands on his hips angrily, Steve took a deep breath and pulled off his cowl, tossing it onto one of the desks.

''Team or not, I'm going after him,'' he announced.

''He's got men armed to the teeth with god knows what,'' Natasha warned. ''I'll be coming with you,''

''I want to leave tonight,''

Natasha knew he was going to react more impulsively now. She wasn't clueless as to what was going on between Steve and Hayley, listening in to the conversations they shared at night when they thought they were alone. He was afraid for her and what they were going to do to her, but they still needed to continue thinking rationally. They had to separate emotions from the job. Which is something Natasha excelled in.

''I'm tracking a location now,'' she told him.

''I need it soon,''

''The men that took her haven't made contact with any of the others we're watching,'' she informed. ''None of the phone lines we've tapped are buzzing, none of the hideouts have been approached,''

''So where are they taking her? Out of the country?'' he asked angrily. ''They only operate here, there's no where else for them to go,''

With a blank expression, Natasha watched Steve pace the room nervously. He desperately wanted to head out and find these men, end all of this now, but they had next to nothing to work with.

''Calm yourself down,'' Natasha advised. ''I'll do some more digging,''

''I'm helping,''

''You're no help this worked up,'' she shook her head. ''Stay here,''

Watching Natasha walk out of the room, Steve leaned down to press his hands against the desk, hanging his head low in disappointment. There was no way he was going to be able to calm down with the thought of them having Hayley out there. The only way Steve Rogers coped was by fighting his way out, and right now it wasn't an option.

* * *

For the past few hours, Hayley had been sitting in a solitary cell unit enduring various forms of violent persuasion. The result was a bloodied and swollen face, pain beginning to resurface within her system after hours of not being able to feel a thing. They had made sure that when it all came back to her, she would wish she had been more cooperative.

They wanted to know about her mission here, what she wanted with Borya and who she was working for. They had so many questions for her, but Hayley was unwilling to answer any of them.

''Hayley Alexandria O'Connor,''

Looking up at the man approaching through the walkway, Hayley wondered what he going to do that the others hadn't. Carve her skin with a knife? It had been done already. Burn her with a cigarette? That was the man in the corner's specialty. If he was here to make her feel a pain that she hadn't already, he was going to have to get more creative.

The way he said her name in his thick Russian accent made her also wonder who he was. He had only just joined them, wherever it was that they were, and he seemed very interested in their guest.

''Last time I saw you, you were looking much more lively,'' he grinned, leaning down to face her eye-to-eye. ''Chasing me around the city, thinking you had the right man the whole time,''

''You're Vasilli,'' Hayley laughed, shaking her head. ''Vasilli Borya. The coward who had all of his men do his work for him, even taking revenge out on the person coming after them,''

Vasilli grabbed her chin, pushing her head back so she could look up at him as he towered over her menacingly. His grip was tight, feeling her bones beneath her skin and wanting to crush them, but knowing he still had a long way to go before he considered her death. First he needed answers and if she wasn't willing to share right now, he was going to make her sing by the time he was done with her.

But Hayley didn't look afraid. After everything they had done to her in the matter of a few hours, she had been pushed over an edge she didn't think she would ever be close to. Pain wasn't something she bargained with anymore, they could do whatever they wanted and she wouldn't give up a single thing.

''It'd be a shame if your behavior caused others pain, wouldn't it?'' he asked, turning her head.

In one of the other men's hands were photos, stacks of them, of candid moments between her parents. They had traced her back to Chicago and they had found her family. Photos through windows, of her mother walking down the street to the shops, of her father out in their garden. They had photos of Hayley too, following her around the streets of Moscow and back in New York for the short period of time she was there between the mission. But none of those phased her like the ones of her parents.

They were the only family Hayley had left in her life and Borya had found them.

''Oh yes, we know who they are,'' Borya chuckled. ''We've known ever since you started digging up about my operations,''

''I will kill you,'' Hayley growled. ''Without any mercy,''

''You're in no position to make threats Miss O'Connor,'' he rolled his eyes, throwing her head back out of his hands. ''That privilege is mine,''

* * *

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	36. Chapter 36

_Rolling in a burning tire _  
_You're gonna set my house on fire _  
_Just to show me _  
_You were there _  
_Well I was raised up like a snake _  
_You were raised to leave me bait_

* * *

Steve had been in the presence of this sort of interrogation before, but just like this one, he didn't enjoy it at all. They had been watching one of the many hideouts of Borya's men and one of the tac soldiers had managed to secure a man that been by that morning. He was one of the men who had escaped the shootout at the store two days ago, which meant that if they were going to get any relevant and new information, they needed to know what this man knew.

Natasha had the man, who they now discovered to be Mikel, standing in the middle of the room with the help of a rope from the ceiling being strung around his shoulders to keep him upright. He had been shot in his leg, but Natasha wanted him to be eye level when she asked him her questions the old fashioned way.

Most of what was said between Natasha and Mikel was unknown to Steve as they went back and forth in Russian. He could understand a few words they spoke, but not enough to know if they were getting any closer to finding Hayley. He knew that doing things this way was wrong, especially because he could imagine something similar being brought on Hayley herself, but he had reached the end of his patience.

Two days had passed without any of their team being able to find where Borya's men were, where they had taken Hayley or what they intended to do. All of the lackeys that they had brought told them the same thing - if Borya had taken her in, she wasn't coming back out.

Agent Lewis had assigned more agents and soldiers to the mission, but SHIELD's efforts barely registered to Steve without any new information.

''Stop!'' Steve called out after Natasha lowered the rope, forcing Mikel to put all of his weight on his leg painfully.

Natasha turned to him with a glare.

''He hasn't given us anything useful,'' she sighed, looking back to the man. ''And until he does-''

''I need a word, now,'' Steve ordered.

With a roll of her eyes, Natasha pulled the rope back up fast and lifted Mikel off his feet. Steve could tell she was annoying for pulling her away from the interrogation, but he needed to know that this wasn't going to go too far.

Steve walked around to the other side of the wall for Natasha to join him, the agent standing over toward the wall and looking back to the other side, keeping an eye on Mikel. Not that she had left him any options to escape.

''Is he giving us anything?'' Steve asked, folding his arms. ''Because I can't let this keep going if he doesn't know anything,''

''He knows,'' Natasha assured. ''He's just not sharing. He will though, I can make him,''

''That's what I don't like,'' Steve sighed, moving his hands to his hips.

Natasha folded her arms and mirrored his previous stance.

''We're out of options Rogers, he's our last chance at getting information,'' she explained. ''Sometimes it has to go this way. This guy is a murderer, we know that much,''

''I don't agree with torture,'' he told her firmly.

''Hardly. It won't be excessive, I promise no blood, but I _will _get him to talk,''

Steve stared at Natasha for a moment, knowing that eventually she would indeed find them some answers. But what worried him were the lengths she might go to get them. She was a SHIELD agent now, not an assassin, but she still knew methods of gauging information in much more creative ways.

In the end, Steve agreed that Mikel really was their last chance and he trusted Natasha with the fact he did know what was going on, he just wasn't saying a word.

''Fifteen minutes,'' Steve told her, looking back over to the room where Mikel was.

''I'll have something for you in ten,'' she assured.

* * *

Blue skies, fluffy white clouds and green grass were the sort of things that Hayley dreamed about during the few hours of sleep she found during these past few days. It was funny how right now, while she was in actual danger, she slept so peacefully. No bad dreams, no nightmares, nothing haunted her mind. Perhaps because she was so exhausted and broken.

A bucket of ice cold water was what woke her every time she drifted off, and this time was no different. With a loud and deep gasp, Hayley's eyes flew open as she began to stand, only to realize that she was still bound to the metal chair.

''How did you sleep, Miss O'Connor?'' Borya asked with a satisfied grin.

Hayley did her best to flick the wet hair out of her face, looking up at the man with a glare that he had seen multiple times. The fact that he knew her name, everything about her, made her sick. She could barely look at the man without pulling on her restraints, wishing she could hurt him like he had hurt her, before he had a chance to go anywhere near her family.

''Like a baby,'' she spoke hoarsely.

Being underground, it was hard to tell when a new day had begun. But as she looked at Borya's suit now, she noticed it was not the same as it was many hours ago during his last visit. Which meant another day had passed.

A woman walked in behind Borya carrying a small tray of food. What looked to be a few slices of bread and a cup of water was sat down on the table in the corner. They had been providing her with a few sips of water a day - just enough to keep her going.

''Now,'' Borya begun, pulling up a chair in front of her. ''I wonder if you are feeling more cooperative today,''

As he sat down, Hayley could see over his head toward the photo that had been pinned to wall for her to see. It was of her family. It was a constant threat.

''Because if not, I'm sure your mother and father would enjoy some house guests this evening,''

Hayley wished she could put her hands around Borya's throat and make him suffer. She wanted him to be in pain, in agony and she wanted him to regret everything he had ever done. For days Hayley had endured that pain instead, carrying the scars and the bruises that followed, but all she gave them were clues and ghost stories about who she may have worked for.

They were becoming frustrated.

''If you were as smart as you act, you would have known before I came to this city,'' Hayley told him. ''You would have known who was coming for you and why they were coming. But instead you ran away, you hid like a child and had your men captured. You're a fool, and nothing I give you will change that,''

Borya cracked his knuckles intimidatingly right in front of her face before he stood up and swung his fist around into jaw. Hayley's head spun to the side, her hair once again drooping over her face as she turned back to the man. Borya grabbed her by her neck, pushing her head back to look up at him.

''You work for Nick Fury, don't you?'' he asked, although his tone of voice made it sound like an accusation. ''You work for that one-eyed bastard!''

''Are you afraid of him, Borya?'' Hayley asked through her restricted airway. ''Is that why you hide away in tunnels?''

Borya gripped harder, leaning her back in the chair until the chains holding her began to pull. Hayley's face was trembling; a mixture of pain and adrenaline. She knew she was hitting nerves and she knew Borya had a short fuse.

''He sent you after me, why!'' Borya demanded.

''I think I've earned my slice of bread, don't you?'' Hayley choked out.

Fingers turning white and face turning red, Borya threw Hayley back in her chair until it was lying on the ground. Hayley's back slammed down onto the hard concrete, the chains rattling loudly as they scraped along the ground and back of the chair. She was in a fit of coughs while trying to catch her breath, tasting blood on the inside of her lips from Borya's hit.

Borya stood in front of her as she squirmed around on the ground uncomfortably, her coughs turning into small chuckles. She knew it would drive him mad with anger, and she was right.

''Antov,'' he called out, a man appearing by the door immediately.

''Sir?''

''Bring me my kit,''

* * *

Natasha had been right when she told Steve she would have new information for him within ten minutes. Mikel had admit to knowing Borya's plans, and although he had given them quite a bit to begin with, Natasha knew he wasn't telling them everything.

''So Borya had his men track down Hayley's family in Chicago,'' Steve rubbed his tired eyes. ''So they're planning on using them to threaten her,''

''Probably for information about SHIELD,'' Natasha nodded, arms folded over her chest. ''SHIELD's got a team in Chicago watching the O'Connor's house, but Hayley would still think they're in danger,''

''Hayley would die before letting them get to her family,'' Steve explained, shaking his head. ''And they would know that,''

''They won't kill her, not until she's given them something,''

''We need to find where they are,'' he bit down on his lip, frustrated. ''Tell him we want a location, that's all we need,''

For almost an hour, Steve had been pacing the room in their headquarters while Natasha was given an extra ten minutes with Mikel. It wasn't so much a threat of violence between the two of them now, but instead the exchange of protection for information. Mikel knew that when Borya found out he had told them about his plans, Mikel would be dead before he could make it out of the country.

But Mikel knew that Natasha was working for an organization that could help him. He would be brought in as a threat, but it would be safer than staying here.

''Borya is a frightened man,'' Mikel admit to Natasha who listened closely. ''He does everything not to be seen. Where we walk the streets, he walks the tunnels,''

Natasha raised her eyebrows.

''Tunnels? Underground?''

Mikel nodded.

''He has men on every entrance, it is his safe haven down there. If you are looking for your agent, I would think that's where you should look,''

Natasha smirked and began to walk away, knowing that they now had what they needed. But Mikel called after her, frantic.

''You promised safety!'' he yelled.

''Don't worry, you'll be taken care of,''

* * *

Hayley held her breath and squinted her eyes as she felt metal piercing her skin on her neck. One man had her head tilted back as Borya slid the blade along her skin slowly, painfully. He could see she was in pain and pulled back, letting her consider how she wanted this moment to play out.

Having already been given three chances to answer his questions, Borya was more than happy to press on with his work if she didn't want to cooperate again. She had already earned herself even more bruises and aching bones than she had accumulated over her stay.

''All you have to tell me for this to stop is what Nick Fury wants from me,'' Borya told her. ''What did he send his little spy after me for?''

''You think Nick Fury has you on his mind all day?'' Hayley asked with a heavy breath. ''You're not as important as you think,''

''I suppose not, after all, he did send the most incompetent spy after me,'' he laughed before lifting his knife to wipe clean with a cloth, his expression turning back to stern. ''Do you think your family would appreciate your behavior right now?''

Hayley pulled against her restraints to no use, the anger within her body too much to hold back.

''I told you to leave them out of this,'' she snarled. ''I've answered you,''

''You've answered a very small part of my interest and you gained your family a few hours of peace. But that time is almost gone,''

Curling her hands into fists, Hayley imagined what it would be like right now to jump out of this chair and make him pay for all of this. At this point, handing him in to SHIELD wasn't even on her mind - she just wanted him to suffer.

''What do you want to know?'' she asked through her teeth.

Borya smirked and pointed the blade of the knife just below her chin, tilting her head back. Hayley had noticed how doing this made him think he was in power, that he was in control of her, above her.

''I want to know who Nick Fury is leading,''

''You already know,'' Hayley shook her head.

''He has a team of spies, this is not the first time I've been approached,''

''It's not just a team of spies,'' she told him with a deep breath, beginning to cough once again uncontrollably.

Borya stood in silence as he waited for her to continue, watching as she gasped for air painfully. A few broken ribs perhaps weren't helping the situation.

''Do not waste my time,'' Borya pushed the knife harder, almost breaking the skin.

''It's bigger than you think,'' Hayley groaned out. ''It's an organization, it's everywhere and it knows everything,''

Borya stared down at her threateningly. She could see how angry he was with her answer, but for once she had told him the truth without dragging anything out. SHIELD knew everything, and if Borya didn't know that already, it was too late to save himself or his work.

Just as Hayley felt the knife being pushed harder, they all stopped, listening closely to the noises coming from down the tunnels connecting them all. A few groans and yelped from Borya's guards and then a few gunshots. It was all very quick and then it fell back to silence.

''What is it?'' Borya asked the man standing at the entrance.

''I'll go inspect sir,'' he answered, leaving just Borya and one of his men in the room with Hayley.

They all held their breath in suspense as they listened, hearing even more gunshots in the distance. Whatever was going on, it wasn't just in one tunnel. It was in all of them. They were being ambushed.

Borya moved away from Hayley, grabbing another one of his larger knives and walking further down the entrance tunnel, searching for his men. But wherever they were, they had obviously been taken down.

''Keep an eye on her,'' Borya ordered, beginning to run off down the tunnel.

This was the only chance Hayley had been given since she had been brought down into these tunnels. Borya had either been with her, trying to gauge information, or she had been heavily guarded. But now there was only one man.

Hayley had to be quick. She had to use whatever strength she had left to fight her way free of her restraints, but since they were chains, her priority was to break the chair that she was held to. She could barely feel her legs, but adrenaline was beginning to kick in.

Lifting herself up just enough to throw herself back against the wall, Hayley groaned in pain as she fell back to the ground. The man behind her lifted her back up, grabbing her by the throat.

''Not a chance!'' he yelled angrily.

Hayley gritted her teeth and threw all of her body weight forward, knocking the man back into the cement wall behind him. With him pinned against the wall, Hayley waited for him to push back before throwing him against it again forcefully, hearing his head hit painfully and watching as he dropped down to the ground unconscious.

But it still left Hayley with one more obstacle to overcome. Laying back against the floor, still strapped to the chair, Hayley squirmed the best she could until she could feel the chains digging into her skin, unable to give way any more. That's when she made the decision to cause herself even more pain.

Hayley had experienced several dislocated shoulders before, but she had never did so on purpose. Concentrating and biting down on her lip, Hayley moved her arm quickly to one side and then arched her back just enough to hear the pop of her joint.

Screaming out in pain, Hayley felt a few tears running down her cheeks as she fought to slide out of the chains. They were wrapped around her fives times and they were heavier than she thought. But after a minute of untangling, Hayley was finally free. Not completely, but more so than she had been for too long.

Hurrying over to the man Borya had entrusted to watch her, Hayley pulled the gun from his belt and made sure it was loaded before making her way to Borya's leftover knife kit. Taking the sharpest one she could see, she held it tight in the hand attached to her now dislocated shoulder. She had never popped it back into place on her own and right now she knew she didn't have the time.

Making her way out into the tunnel, Hayley could hear fighting at both ends, echoing down to where she stood breathless. She already knew it was SHIELD. Not because she knew they would be looking for her, but because this was their tactic. Take all entrances, take down all targets, then focus on retrieval.

Choosing to instead move forward rather than across, Hayley gripped the gun in her hand and kept her eyes peeled for any sign of Borya. There was no way he would go toward the fighting, he was too much of a coward to face any sort of punishment, he would be running, and Hayley wasn't going to let him get away.

**PLEASE REVIEW! :)**


	37. Chapter 37

**I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while! Continuing as much as I can now, thanks for sticking with me and reading! xx**

* * *

_I got a head full of darkness and darkness is good_  
_Cause if we all die young then we don't get hurt_

* * *

Steve looked through the window of SHIELD's medical lab, watching as a nurse filled out form after form of Hayley's results. The took samples of blood to check if she had been exposed to anything harmful, they took x-rays of her shoulder and ribs, they took swabs of saliva to test her anxiety and stress levels and they stitched up every open wound on her body. All the while Hayley just sat there, staring straight ahead at the mirror on the wall by the scales, wondering how she became the woman staring back at her.

It had been two days since Steve found her in the underground tunnels of Russia. She was almost unrecognizable with blood smeared all over her face and her skin covered in cuts and bruises. But he could recognize her anywhere.

_''Hayley!'' Steve called out, finally spotting her down the end of the far tunnel._

_The woman's head whipped around at his words, her eyes wide with fear and her hand raising with a gun at the ready. There was blood spattered all over her clothes and face, a sight that made Steve's heart beat faster than he thought possible._

_''It's okay,'' he assured, raising his hands and pulling off his cowl. ''It's me, you're okay,''_

_Staring back at him, Hayley slowly lowered her hand and threw the gun to the ground. Only then did Steve begin the approach. With each step he took, Hayley seemed to calm down. There was finally someone familiar, someone who she knew wouldn't hurt her. _

_''Don't come closer,'' she shook her head. _

_''It's okay,'' he repeated._

_Hayley's head dropped and she stared off to the side, Steve's gaze following shortly after. He could see a pair of legs laying on the ground motionless, and with one more step he discovered the lifeless body of Vasilli Borya._

''How is she?''

Natasha's voice surprised Steve, but his eyes didn't move away from Hayley.

''Not good,'' he told her, folding his arms and letting out a sigh.

''Lewis is putting her on rest for a while. He's going to set her up with Rafferty for some sessions,''

''She won't go,'' Steve shook his head.

''It won't be straight away,'' Natasha clarified. ''When she's ready,''

Steve watched as Hayley stood up from the bed taking a few steps forward as the nurse finished up the final form. Still peppered with purple bruises all over her face and bandage and gauze down her neck, Hayley couldn't seem to take her eyes away from her reflection. She couldn't believe it was her.

After a few moments of Hayley changing out of the white robe into cargo pants and a t-shirt, she was released from the medical unit. She already had her orders to rest up for a few days, and although she knew sleeping would be near impossible, she couldn't argue against the idea of being back in her apartment. Away from all the debriefing, away from medical labs and mission reports. Somewhere safe.

* * *

Looking down at the crowds of people walking down the street, Hayley wished she could have been one of them, as she did so often when she sat by the window late at night. To be able to laugh so freely and enjoy every moment. To have all of her burdens go away.

Hayley was a soldier for so many years and with that role came hard calls. Vasilli Borya was not the first life she had taken, but it was the first life she ended at her own will. She could have captured him, taken him in to SHIELD, given them the man they had been tracking for so long. But something in her couldn't let him go like that. The man who had tortured her, beat her and threatened her family. Letting him live wasn't an option. And now she had to live with that decision.

Which meant whenever her eyes closed to rest, whenever she felt somewhat safe and comfortable once more, what she did would always haunt her.

_''Here I thought you believed in a fair fight,'' Borya smirked._

_''Does a fair fight involve someone strapped to a chair?'' she asked, her teeth red from the blood pooling in her mouth._

_Borya laughed at her then, his head rolling back to let out his hearty chuckle. Hayley squeezed the gun in her hand tighter, her finger gently tapping against the trigger as if she was itching to pull it. This man provoked her every time he opened his mouth._

_''I don't care if they don't find you,'' she told him through gritted teeth. ''I don't care if they want whatever information you've got, I don't care what use you are to them,''_

_Borya could see her hand trembling, her eyes wide with adrenaline and mania. He had driven her to this._

_''You're going to kill me? Point blank?'' he asked, turning to spit out a mouthful of blood from their violent fight moments ago._

_''I want to know who's watching my family,'' _

_A grin split across his lips._

_''You're threatening me,'' _

_''Tell me!''_

_''Pull the trigger,'' he encouraged. ''If you don't care what they want with me, do it,''_

_Hayley's jaw clenched and her grip tightened even further on the gun, Borya's eyes watching every tremble her body made. _

_''One little phone call and I can make them all dead,'' Borya told her. ''Mother, father, grandmother, grandfather. I have them all,''_

_''You're a liar,'' Hayley shook her head, bending down to grab the front of his shirt and pull him off the ground. _

_''I have Elliot too. I have eyes on every person you cared about from the moment you chose not to cooperate,'' Borya told her, sitting up._

_Hayley's heart was beating fast in her chest, she could feel it almost bursting, and in that one second she took her eyes off Borya's, he was up and charging at her. Knocking her to the ground, Borya reached for the gun. If he got it out of her hands, she was dead. There was no second thought for Borya._

_Kicking with all her force, Hayley knocked Borya back into the wall. Then she took one more step closer, raised her hand, and pulled the trigger._

Hayley's eyes flew open to her chest heaving and her body covered in sweat. As she sat up, she could see the light coming through the window from the streets outside. It looked like the sun was just beginning to rise, and she had only closed her eyes for ten minutes.

* * *

Shutting the door behind Steve and securing the lock, Hayley stared at the two full brown bags he had in his arms, wondering what he was planning to do with all of the food that seemed to overflow from them. Over the past two days she had been back in her apartment, she had managed to eat two whole sandwiches without feeling too sick, but the sight of more food wasn't enticing at all.

''You've got nothing in your fridge,'' Steve explained, noticing her look.

''For a reason,'' she nodded. ''It'll go to waste,''

''I know eating is the last thing on your mind right now,'' he sighed. ''But you've gotta take care of yourself,''

Actually, the last thing on Hayley's mind was exactly that. Taking care of herself was not a priority at all, especially since all she did was worry about everyone else. She didn't care if she didn't get her daily nutrition or if her eyes were so dark from lack of sleep that it looked as if she was transitioning to a zombie. She was not the focus.

''SHIELD still has people on my family, don't they?'' she asked.

Steve looked over to her with a small sigh. She had asked that same question repeatedly over the past few days and each time Steve had assured her they were safe. SHIELD would continue watching over them until they were sure Borya's threats against them were false. He couldn't blame her for needing the constant reassurance, he just wished she could stop worrying long enough to get some rest.

''They're safe,'' Steve nodded. ''So is Blake. He'll be here tomorrow,''

Hayley looked over at Steve, immediately shaking her head.

''No, tell him not to come. He doesn't need to fly to New York for this, I don't need him he-''

''He _wants _to be here, he wants to see you. Nothing's going to change that,''

With a long groan, Hayley plopped herself down into the chair by the window.

''I don't want to see him,''

Steve left the groceries for a moment, walking over to stand by her, leaning against the wall.

''Why not?

''I don't want him to look at me and know what I did,'' she admit. ''It's bad enough seeing the way you look at me now, I can't have the other person I give a shit about looking at me like that too,''

''Like what?'' Steve stood up straight. ''Hayley, what you did saved your life. The way you think I look at you? That is _not _disappointment or judgement, okay? That's fear, because the way you are right now scares the hell out of me. You don't eat, you don't sleep, you barely even speak,''

Hayley squeezed her eyes shut as Steve spoke, feeling tears build up. Her hands were closed in tight fists, sitting in her lap turning her knuckles white.

''I didn't do it to save my life,'' she shook her head, opening her eyes to look back into his. ''I did it for what he did to me, for revenge. I could have shot him in the leg, I could have made sure SHIELD took him in, but I didn't. I killed him because I wanted to,''

''You are _not _blaming yourself for this,'' Steve told her firmly. ''Don't do it to yourself,''

With tears in her eyes and lips trembling, Hayley turned to him and shook her head in disappointment. He may not have been disappointed in her, but she definitely was. And she was sure that would never go away.

''I'm supposed to be the good guy,'' she shrugged. ''I'm not supposed to kill someone like that, not when there's another way, not when I don't have to,''

''Hayley, what he did to you...'' Steve trailed off, his hands going to fists as well just at the thought.

Lifting a hand to wipe her eyes, Hayley cleared her throat and pushed off the seat, brushing past Steve who was still knelt down. He knew Hayley talking to him about this wasn't going to last long, she rarely opened up, but he knew that he was lucky enough to get this much from her. Dr Rafferty was going to have a difficult time getting anywhere with her therapy, especially since right now Steve didn't know what was driving her forward.

Standing up, Steve turned to watch Hayley bite down in pain as she slid her arms into her coat.

''What are you doing?''

''I need some air, I'm gonna take a walk,'' she told him, slipping on her shoes.

''Hayley, you can barely walk,''

''Then it'll be a slow walk,''

Steve let out a sigh and put his hands on his hips. She had spent the last few days confined to her apartment, Steve was almost sure she wouldn't want to go out into the city streets for a while yet. Once again, she proved him wrong.

''Do you not understand that you need to rest?'' he asked, his voice louder and slightly annoyed.

''I can't stay in here and think any more, I'll lose my goddamn mind!''

''Then I'm coming with you,''

''No,'' she shook her head. ''Look, I appreciate what you've done for me, but I need to deal with this on my own,''

''You need to talk to me,'' Steve argued. ''Let me help you,''

''I'm not yours to take care of Steve,'' Hayley told him simply.

Pursing his lips, Steve stood in the living room as Hayley walked out, wondering if he should go and stop her. But Hayley was right. Steve couldn't step in and tell her how to deal with this, he couldn't stop her from doing whatever she needed to do to get through this. She wasn't Steve's.

* * *

Hayley took deep breaths as she walked down the busy streets of New York, not only to soothe the pains she felt in her ribs with every step, but to really convince herself she was here. No longer in Russia, no longer being watched by henchmen, no longer under threat. This was her home, she was safe. That's what she had to keep telling herself.

The whole time she walked she thought over her little argument with Steve, wishing she could convey what she was feeling into words. Maybe then he would see that she didn't want him to make her feel better, she didn't want to be convinced she wasn't the bad guy in all of this, she just needed time.

''Ma'am?''

Hayley turned at the sudden voice at her side, her heart running wild, to see a man smiling at her on the side of the pavement. In his hand was a flyer about an environmental rally, extended toward her politely.

''O-oh,'' Hayley breathed, reaching out to accept it.

The man began handing more out to others on the street as Hayley took a few more steps up the street, stopping by a phone booth to calm herself down. All she needed was a few deep breaths. But when her eyes veered off to the tiny corner liquor store, she immediately felt she needed something else. Something she swore she wouldn't depend on ever again, but something she knew would work.


	38. Chapter 38

_I know it's gotta go like this, I know_  
_hell will always come before you grow_  
_Trouble found me, trouble found me_

* * *

Blake looked across the table at his friend, more worried than he had ever been, as she pushed around the peas on her plate and struggled to keep her eyes open. Every now and then her head began to droop down before jerking back up, realizing she was still awake. It had been Hayley's idea to go to dinner, insisting she needed to get out of the apartment, closing the door before Blake could even try and set foot inside.

''Jesus, when's the last time you actually slept?'' he asked, his eyebrows creased in real concern.

''Uh, yesterday,'' she answered, widening her eyes to wake herself up. ''I'm always tired, you know that,''

''Not like this,'' he denied. ''Have you gone to a session with Rafferty yet?''

Hayley groaned, shaking her head and looking over to him as if he was now the bad guy. The last thing she wanted to do was go back into therapy, but it was something she knew everyone would push her into. Eventually she would, but for now she needed to left alone from all of the evaluating and analyzing.

''If you just talk to someone about what happened you'll be able to sleep better, you'll be able to eat, to try and get back to where you were,'' he encouraged.

''I can sleep, eat and function without a shrink Blake,'' she refused.

Blake clenched his jaw and put down his fork, his hands stretching in frustration.

''Do you know how hard it is to talk to you when you're like this?'' he snapped. ''What happened to you scared the shit out of me, it wasn't a little mishap on a mission, you understand that don't you?''

''I know what happened,''

''Then why aren't you getting some help? You know you have to take care of yourself,''

''I am! I know how to take care of myself! I don't want a shrink right now, I don't want a babysitter and I don't need _you _leaving your life to come back here and take care of me, alright?'' she explained. ''When I tell you I'm okay, believe me,''

Blake stared back at her and let out a sad sigh.

''I wish I could O'Connor,'' he shrugged. ''Unfortunately I know you too well,''

''I was a soldier for years Blake, I was trained for what could happen if we were ever taken by the enemy,'' she explained.

''You and I both know that training is worth nothing when it actually happens,'' he argued, knowing all too well what that was like.

Blake's memories of Loki's control haunted him still to this day. Having no control over his body, being trapped in a different mind. It was unbearable to relive over and over again.

''I need people to stop reminding me about it,'' she huffed. ''Stop asking me if I'm okay, stop telling me I need to deal with it. Can't I just forget about it for a while?''

''It won't leave you alone until you deal with it,'' Blake shook his head.

''I'm dealing with it just fine,'' she picked up her fork and took a mouthful of potato.

Blake didn't want to argue with her anymore, especially since he understood not wanting to be reminded about what happened. He knew she wasn't okay, he knew she needed to get help, but this time Hayley knew that too. Blake couldn't force her into this and as worried as he was, he trusted her.

''So,'' he began, picking his fork back up to continue eating. ''How are things with Steve?''

Hayley looked up at him, confused.

''What do you mean?''

''Let's skip over the whole part where you pretend I'm an idiot,'' he told her with a knowing look. ''Something's going on, I can tell,''

''Nothing's going on,'' she rolled her eyes. ''We were just getting...too-''

''Too close,'' Blake nodded. ''And you pushed him away,''

''I didn't push him away,'' she denied, although she knew he was right. ''I just didn't want him to be tied to me. He doesn't need me anymore,''

''You think he just stuck around because he _needed_ you?'' Blake asked, eyebrows drawn in concern. ''Are you kidding?''

''We were assigned to fix one another, weren't we? Steve doesn't need that anymore, he doesn't need _me,_ if anything I'd be pulling him back and he doesn't deserve that,'' Hayley explained. ''I won't do that to him,''

Blake watched as Hayley looked back down at her food, beginning to push it around with her fork once again, uninterested. Steve was someone who knew how to get through to her, as much as Blake had tried over the years, he knew it was Steve. Pushing him away wasn't good for either of them, and Blake knew it was Hayley's way of protecting herself, hiding away from anyone who she knew could see through her.

''He does need you Hayley,'' Blake assured. ''Not to fix him, but just not to shut him out. You've just cut him out of your life because you're scared,''

''I didn't cut him out,''

''How many times have I seen you do this? You get too close and you run. Steve misses the hell out of you, you know he does, and you're putting up this unnecessary wall. Look, I'm not here to give you lecture after lecture,''

''Good, because I don't need them,'' she nodded, pushing back in her seat and folding her arms.

Blake looked over to her with a shake of his head and a long sigh.

''One day you're going to give me an aneurysm,''

* * *

Hayley walked down the street with a bag of groceries in her hand, chewing loudly on a piece of bubblegum from the large packet she bought. She had insisted that Blake head back to his hotel since she had a few necessities to pick up, but looking down at the bag now, she realized all the food she had picked up was mostly Red Vines and assorted chocolate.

As she headed further down, she let herself stare at the old building that was once her nightly ritual. The old gym that she and Steve made their own, the gym she hadn't visited in so long. The light was on inside, the broken upper window letting her know someone was inside.

Walking closer, she could faintly hear the sound of the old record player she had put inside for Steve to revisit the music he used to listen to. It was playing an old record, one of his favorites if she remembered correctly. Then as she rounded the back corner to the entrance, she could hear Steve's fists hitting the bags hard. Throwing punches of frustration.

Standing outside the door, Hayley listened and thought about how the past few months. It was her fault they had drifted apart - she tore them apart, after all. When she woke from her nightmares, she still searched from him in the room. When she felt herself slipping into the pit she had worked so hard to pull herself out of, she wished he was still there with her, stopping her.

It wasn't Steve needing her that made her run, it was the fact she always needed him. Even when she didn't want to.

Dropping the bag of groceries outside by the door, Hayley stepped inside and walked toward Steve by the bags. It took a few moments for Steve to turn toward the hurried steps in the gym, his body rigid in surprise, before he realized who it was.

''Hayley?'' he breathed, noting her sad expression.

But Hayley didn't say anything to him in return. She didn't explain why she was walking around so late at night or why she just barged into the gym, she just threw her arms around him and buried her head against his chest. He was still heaving for breath from his workout, his shirt damp from sweat, but Hayley just clung to him as if none of that registered to her.

''H-Hayley?'' Steve spoke softly, his arms going around her protectively, holding her close. ''What's happened?''

Hayley shook her head against him.

''Nothing,'' she whispered in return.

Steve looked terrified as he held her in his arms, his thoughts running wild with what could be going on. But he didn't ask her any more, sensing she didn't want to talk anyway. So he just stood there and hugged her tight, waiting, missing how it felt.

Hayley didn't know how long she had been standing there holding onto him silently, but when she spoke if felt like it had been hours since a word had left her lips.

''I miss you,'' she told him. ''God, I miss you,''

Steve rubbed her back softly.

''I haven't gone anywhere,''

Hayley listened to his voice in her ear and wished everything could go back to the way it was. Before she thought of loved ones as leverage and weaknesses, before Flynn told her that's all they turned into, before Borya broke her down into the person she never wanted to be again. But it didn't work like that. She couldn't go back.

Pulling away from Steve's arms, Hayley took a few steps back and gave him a light smile. She wanted to say sorry, for everything and now for this, but as most of her interactions went these days, she left.

* * *

Closing her door behind her, Hayley threw her keys somewhere in her apartment, knowing she would be frantic searching for them tomorrow. But she was too frustrated at herself to care about that right now.

Sliding the lock of the three chains into place, she walked toward the kitchen and pressed the button on her answering machine which had a blinking red light. She had begun to unpack the bag of groceries when she heard her mother's voice fill the apartment.

_Hayley, sweetie, we're getting so worried about you. Please, call us, let us know you're okay. You can talk to us, you can come home, we're always here for you._

Staring over at the machine, Hayley listened as the line fell silent and the next message began to play.

_Hey honey, it's dad. Your mom really wants to hear from you, and so do I kiddo. Just let us know how you're holding up, okay? You know you can come back whenever you want, we're not going anywhere. We love you Hayley._

Everyone worried, everyone wanted her home, everyone wanted to hear from her. But Hayley didn't know what to say. How could she explain what she was feeling? The paranoia, the anxiety, the inability to sleep, the feeling of always being haunted.

Her hands shook as she reached for the bag again, pulling out bags of Red Vines until she got to the last item. A bottle of cheap, hard Scotch. Setting it onto the counter of her kitchen, Hayley unscrewed the cap and looked at the glass she had sitting by the sink. But instead of filling it up, she lifted the glass bottle to her lips and swallowed down the burning liquid.

This is just where she had been before she met Steve. Half a bottle would put her to sleep, but the whole thing would make sure she didn't wake up for hours. She would dream of nothing, no nightmares or images that shook her awake, nothing. It was the closest to peace she had.

* * *

Steve had been thinking about Hayley's visit to the gym for hours now. He had tried to get back to his workout, but his mind couldn't focus on anything but the look on Hayley's face when she rushed over to him. Something wasn't right, that he knew already, but he hadn't seen Hayley like this before.

Walking up the stairs in the early hours of the morning, Steve looked over to her apartment out of habit, and he couldn't get his feet to take him any further. Making his way over to the door, he could hear the sound of the radio playing in the living room. He knew she had trouble sleeping, and he couldn't help but knock on the door.

''It's me,'' he called out. ''I just...I just want to talk,''

With no response, Steve could feel disappointment rising within him. Shutting him out only worked for so long.

''Hayley,'' he tried again. ''Come on,''

Resting his head against the door, his eyebrows pulled together in concern as he heard water flowing loudly. It was as if a tap had been forgotten about, overflowing in the sink, running wild.

Pushing the door open, he groaned in frustration when he saw the three chain locks straining against his push. But even at the sound of the door trying to be forced open, Hayley didn't appear. Something felt wrong, something _was _wrong.

Reaching in through the door, Steve wrapped his hand around the three chains and ripped them from the wall smoothly. He couldn't ignore the gut feeling he had, the one that grew even more worried when he opened the door and saw Hayley nowhere in sight.

''Hayley!'' he called out, panicked.

With no response again, Steve hurried to the sound of the running water. The kitchen tap was off, the sink dry as a bone, but the sound still loud and clear. Turning his head to the bathroom door that was open wide, his heart almost stopped completely at the sight of Hayley's arm hanging outside of the bath, motionless.

Steve ran into the room as fast as he could, seeing the bath overflowing with Hayley floating inside, her head hanging off the back and drooped to the side. She was fully clothed, jacket and all, with a bottle laying on the group with the tiniest amount of amber liquid swimming inside. It didn't take long for Steve to realized what had happened, but everything in him now focused on waking her up.

''Hayley!'' he yelled, arms going around her body and lifting her out of the water. ''Hayley, wake up! Hey!''

He pulled her into his lap as he collapsed down onto the bathroom floor, his hands shaking her body and lifting her head. Her skin was pale from the icy water, her lips dark and blue. Steve's heart was racing as he tried to wake her, his body becoming soaked as well.

''Please, please, please,'' he begged, beginning to worry she had swallowed water. ''Please, wake up! Hayley! Don't do this, don't do this,''

Steve was rocking back and forth as he ran his hand over her cheek, moving her head to sit up. He shook her as gently as he could while still being forceful, needing to see a reaction.

Minutes passed by, Steve was about to rush to the phone to call 911, and Hayley's eyes opened half-way, her lips parting with a tremble.

''S-Steve,'' she slurred, half-awake.

''Hayley!'' he gasped, his chest heaving in relief. ''Hey, hey, stay awake!''

''No,'' she mumbled. ''I need...need to sleep,''

''You need an ambul-''

''No!'' she shouted, still in a slur, reaching for his face. ''No, no, no, no,''

''Not a negotiation,'' Steve told her firmly.

''Please,'' she begged, grabbing the front of his shirt. ''No hosp...no ambulance, no,''

Steve stared down into the bloodshot eyes, listening to her weary voice and feeling her weak grip.

'''m okay,'' she tried to nod, looking up at him desperately. ''Please,''

''You're not,'' he shook his head, holding her close.

No, she was definitely not okay. Hayley was so far from okay it terrified him.


	39. Chapter 39

_At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet_  
_and a freight train running through the middle of my head_  
_Only you can cool my desire_  
_Oh, I'm on fire_

* * *

Hayley looked around the walls of the room she wished wasn't so familiar to her, noticing everything that had changed. Books were in new spots, chairs were in different positions and there were a few new motivational posters on the back wall.

But the feature that stood out most to Hayley as she scanned around was the clock on the wall. It was antique with Roman numerals and an intricate metal design around the sides. And it was bigger. As if time didn't already seem to pass slower than ever in this room, now Hayley could stare at every single notch that marked the seconds.

Dr. Raffery stared back at Hayley with a soft sigh, wondering if she had heard his question for the third time or was continuing to ignore him. They had started off well, Hayley had explained that she knew she needed help, that she understood everything that had happened over the past month. But once they hit the stage of discussing what happened to her in the tunnels and pulling the trigger on Borya, Hayley suddenly no longer wanted to cooperate.

''Agent O'Connor,'' he began again. ''I need you to talk to me. This session goes for as long as it has to,''

''You've got the hour,'' Hayley shook her head. ''I know the procedure,''

''I know you want to talk about this,'' he argued.

''We already talked about it,''

Rafferty stared over to Hayley, watching as she shuffled for a moment a folded her arms, looking back to him as if there was no reason for them to not move on with a different conversation. But no matter what angle either of them took, there was always going to be something Hayley didn't want to discuss.

''You feel guilt for killing Vasilli Borya,''

Hayley's blank expression turned hard in an instant, her eyebrows drawing together.

''It was kill or be killed. I'm trained to do whatever I need to do to survive,'' Hayley defended. ''I was a soldier for years, I know what it feels like to take a life,''

''This man tortured you, physically and mentally, for days,'' Rafferty explained. ''He wasn't an unknown enemy out on the field. You weren't a soldier. You knew exactly who he was, what he did and you pulled the trigger knowing that it was your decision, no one else's,''

The sound of the second hand ticking around the clock was becoming louder, but it could have been the sound of her heart beating loudly in her ears.

''I shot him point blank,'' Hayley added. ''His blood was all over me. It was my choice, I didn't have to kill him, but I did. And I don't feel guilty about that. It...it had to be done,''

Rafferty looked over to her for a few minutes, jotting down notes in Hayley's file which seemed to be ever growing. Her fingers entwined together and she squeezed tight, her knuckles almost turning white.

Sliding off his glasses, Rafferty shook his head softly.

''Hayley, telling me what you think I want to hear isn't going to help you,'' he explained.

''I don't need help reminiscing, I remember just fine. I need help forgetting,''

''Forgetting what happened is going to land you right back in the situation that got you here,''

''Taken hostage?'' she snapped defensively.

''No. Almost killing yourself,''

* * *

Steve sat outside Dr. Rafferty's office, leaning down on his knees and staring down at his feet which continued to tap against the floor uncontrollably. They had gone over the hour session that Rafferty normally performed, making him wonder if that was a good sign or not.

''You okay?'' Blake asked, noticing Steve's nerves.

''Hm? Yeah, I'm fine,'' Steve nodded, sitting back in his chair. ''Just uh, little on edge I guess,''

Blake reached over and placed a hand on Steve's shoulder, a small sympathetic smile on his lips.

''She's gonna get better,'' he assured. ''You've seen her fight through this before,''

''I know,'' Steve nodded, hanging his head low once again. ''But I've never seen...I'll never get that image out of my head. I thought she was...I thought I was too late,''

Blake couldn't imagine how distressing it would have been to find Hayley like she was. When Steve first explained it to him over the phone, Blake's stomach dropped in panic and worry, and all he did was hear about it. Seeing it would have almost killed him as well.

''But you weren't, and you got her here,'' Blake explained. ''You did that. I could tell her she needed help for months and months just like last time, but she wouldn't hear a bit of it. But she listens to you,''

Steve turned to Blake with a small smile, nodding to himself, before it faded away.

''I should have known it was bad-''

''Hey, don't do that,'' Blake shook his head. ''Hayley knows how to cover how bad things are. I didn't bring up therapy for months last time this happened because I had no idea how far it had gone,''

''I told her I'd always be there for her,'' Steve shook his head. ''And I stayed away,''

Blake sighed, leaning back in his chair and thinking about the times he thought the same thing.

But this wasn't the same. Blake and Hayley's relationship extended beyond friends and Blake knew that, which is why he realized just how hard Steve was taking all of this. To Steve, Hayley was the woman he loved, the one person he cared about more than himself or anyone. And he had found her unconscious in an overflowing bathtub. It was something he would never, ever forget.

Ten minutes later, the door to Rafferty's office opened. Both Steve and Blake watched as Hayley walked out, exchanging a few words with the therapist and then making her way over to them in the hall.

''How'd it go?'' Blake asked.

''It was okay,'' she nodded.

''It'll get better,'' he promised. ''I'm proud of you for going,''

''I still don't think you should have flown in after just getting back home-''

''O'Connor, come on,'' Blake shook his head, slinging an arm around Hayley's shoulder. ''I'm back whenever you need me,''

Hayley put her hands around Blake and pulled him into a hug, a move Blake wasn't expecting so suddenly.

''I'm sorry I did this again,'' she whispered. ''I'm sorry,''

''It's okay Hayls,'' he pressed a kiss to her temple. ''You're gonna be fine, that's all I care about,''

Steve watched from where he sat, his lips moving in to a small smile, but the worry and nerves within him refused to fade away.

* * *

There was a file sitting on Steve's couch that he had been reading over and over again for the past three days, the same file Natasha had given to him shortly after they had returned from the mission in Russia. It was a new position in SHIELD, a new role for Steve, but it was no longer in New York.

Closing it once again, Steve pushed it back across the couch and rubbed his temples forcefully. He could feel a headache growing with this overthinking and soon his body jolted at the sound of a few taps against his apartment door. Standing up with a slight stretch of his arms, Steve wandered over and opened the door without looking through to see who his visitor could be.

But he was pleasantly surprised by the sight of Hayley standing outside. He hadn't seen her in almost two days with Blake making sure she was adjusting to new medication and therapy, and he really wasn't sure what boundaries were still in place between them.

She looked better, she looked healthy. The dark circles under her eyes he was so used to seeing were now lighter and fading away, and her eyes themselves were no longer red and bloodshot. She was sleeping. Slowly, she was getting better.

''Hey,'' he spoke softly, taken aback by the sight of her staring back at him.

''Hey,'' she smiled back. ''I uh, I was heading down to the diner for some dinner, you hungry?''

''Yeah, starving,'' he nodded. ''I'll just grab my keys,''

Hayley waited outside and looked around the hall, noticing how bare the facility was lately. Everyone was out on missions, tackling situations she didn't even know about. Each person was out there fighting and she only hoped she could do the same again soon.

Steve stepped out of the apartment a few moments later, looking around.

''Is Blake coming?'' he asked, closing the door behind him.

''He's in a meeting with Fury and then he's got some things to tie up before he leaves again,'' she explained.

They headed toward the staircase and walked down to the street in silence, stepping out into the cool breeze and beginning their small journey to the diner. It was busy outside, cars rushing by and people flocking home from work, and for once Hayley appreciated it. Being cooped up in her apartment for the past few days, even with the occasional walk outside, was driving her insane.

''I've been wanting a diner burger for days,'' she told Steve. ''And a milkshake,''

''Chocolate?''

''Always,''

When they made it down the street, Hayley led them inside and flashed a smile to the waitress who pointed toward a free table at the back by the window. It was where they always sat. It had the best view of the city outside and was much less crowded than the rest of the diner.

After ordering, Hayley suddenly realized that the awkward and painful silence that fell over them for a few minutes while walking was once again setting in. Things weren't like this with Steve, things had never been like this, and Hayley couldn't stand it.

''Missions keeping you busy?'' she asked, knowing how boring her topic of conversation was.

''Yeah, always busy,'' Steve nodded. ''I'm uh, thinking about taking a new assignment,''

''Yeah? What is it?'' she asked happily, glad to be conversing.

''Leading a tac team out in the field on some more complex missions,'' Steve explained. ''Not too different to what I do now, but it's something to think about,''

''Think about? Steve, you should _totally _take that assignment. Leading a tac team? That's you. You're a leader. Any team would be lucky to have you and I know that's right where you want to be in SHIELD,''

Steve smiled lightly over to her with a nod, enjoying the fact that Hayley seemed to be able to read him so easily. She knew him unlike anyone else, she knew what he really wanted and she didn't let him give up anything. But this assignment was one that he didn't want her encouragement on.

''Just a few things I'm not sure about I guess,'' he shrugged.

''Like what?''

''It's nothing,'' he shook his head. ''Don't worry,''

''No, Steve. This is a really good thing for you, why aren't you taking it?'' she questioned, confused.

Steve sighed, not wanting to delve into this right now, but knowing Hayley wasn't going to let it go.

''It's just that the assignment isn't...it's not here,''

''Well I'd imagine the tac team would be deployed all over the place,'' Hayley begun before she realized. ''Oh, you mean the assignment isn't based here? In New York?''

''No,'' he confirmed. ''I wouldn't be based here anymore,''

''Oh,'' Hayley nodded, letting that sink in. ''Oh, well that makes sense. New assignment, new tac team, of course it wouldn't be here in New York,''

Steve could hear the rapid jumble of her words as they came out, knowing that she wasn't prepared to hear that. It wasn't a topic he ever wanted to bring up during her recovery, it was why he had waited so long to answer SHIELD's request, why he had waited so long until he brought up the idea to Hayley.

''Where would you be?'' she asked.

''Washington,''

Hayley's head nodded at his words, but Steve wasn't so sure she had actually heard him. The waitress walked over in the middle of Hayley's daze, setting down a chocolate milkshake in front of the silent woman. What would usually be met with an excited laugh was met with a blank look.

''Washington,'' she sighed, still nodding. ''It's nice there, you'd like it,''

Steve's heart was growing tighter as he heard her voice try to remain calm, her fingers beginning to play around with the spoon in the milkshake. It wasn't that Hayley was surprised he was going to be leaving New York, she had never expected him to stay here forever and for their lives to stay they same as they had been this past year. But there was no much Hayley wanted to repair between them, so much she wanted to do and say.

But the last thing she wanted to do, especially after all she had done, was hold him back from going. This is what he wanted, she knew that, as much as he played it off she was sure of that.

''You _will _like it,'' she said more forcefully. ''Because you're going to take this assignment,''


	40. Chapter 40

_I don't like to see the sky painted gray_  
_And I don't like when nothing's going my way_  
_And I don't like to be the one with the blues_  
_But I do love you_

* * *

Hayley winced softly as she lowered her body down against her floor for one more set of push ups. She was in the second hour of her morning workout, unable to let herself stop until her muscles adjusted to the exercises she used to do so often. There were parts of her body which was still rather tender, but once Hayley had been cleared by the SHIELD medical unit to start training again, she hadn't stopped.

With everyone she knew going out on missions and now with Steve possibly leaving to pursue a new assignment, Hayley couldn't handle feeling so behind anymore. She couldn't stay in this apartment any longer and mope around. She needed to push through it all, do SHIELD's program, and get back to doing what she had fought so hard for.

''You could do fieldwork from the headquarters,'' Blake suggested.

Hayley rolled her eyes as she listened to her friend's voice coming through the speaker of her cell phone, knowing that it was just like him to always have a solution and make it sound like the easiest thing in the world.

''A desk job?'' she huffed, rolling onto her back to start some pull ups. ''I'd go crazier than I am now,''

''You're not crazy,''

''I've got a shelf of pills to say otherwise,'' she countered. ''No, no desk job. I'm gonna get back on the field,''

Blake could hear the determination in her voice and knew that just like most other things, Hayley wasn't going to change her mind about this. But at least this time she was doing it right. She was going to therapy, taking medication and going through the system. He couldn't argue with her when she did that.

But there was one thing he needed to bring up.

''This sudden wake up call, it wouldn't come from Steve's new assignment, would it?'' he asked cautiously.

Hayley let herself lie flat on her back, her chest heaving and sweat running down into her eyes. Shaking her head, she took a moment to resist snapping at him.

''No, you know I want to be on the field,'' she explained. ''And how do you know about his assignment? He hasn't officially accepted anything yet,''

''He gave me a call,'' Blake admit.

Narrowing her eyes in suspicion, Hayley pulled herself up and reached for her bottle of water.

''Why?'' she asked.

''You know, me and Steve are friends too,'' he defended.

''Steve doesn't call people to chat,''

''Does it matter why he called? He wanted my opinion on the Washington base,''

''He wanted your opinion on the Triskellion?''

''O'Connor, it doesn't matter,'' Blake summed up with a groan. ''I just want to make sure you're taking the change well,''

''I'm taking it just fine Blake,'' she assured. ''I'm going for a run, I'll call you tomorrow,''

* * *

Steve had been holding onto the file in his hands for too long, and today he was planning to be rid of it. His signature was on the job description and on the acceptance of offer. He was going to be in charge of a tactical team at SHIELD's biggest headquarters, and he had never been less excited.

The new challenge in his career was something to look forward to, but moving away from everything he grown so used to here, namely Hayley, was going to be difficult.

''I can get you a file on everyone in the tac team you'll be taking,'' Natasha informed him as she walked with him down the hall. ''Some have interesting stories,''

Steve knew Hayley was more than capable of taking care of herself, but he couldn't help shake the worry he had for her. And for himself. Since waking up in this new world, this city had been his constant. Hayley had been his constant. And putting aside all his worry and fear; he loved her.

''Rogers?'' Natasha asked, turning to look up at his focused face.

''Mm?'' Steve blinked, looking stunned.

''What's going on?''

''Oh, nothing,'' he shrugged, shaking his head with a small smile. ''Sorry,''

Natasha turned her eyes back to the hall they were walking down, her hands sliding into the pockets on her coat as she smirked. Steve was a bad liar, at least to her trained senses he was, and she could see there was something bothering him.

''You're thinking about her,'' she nodded.

Steve's smile faded as he looked over to her, a sigh escaping his lips.

''Can't help it,'' he shrugged. ''She's here and I'm...well, soon _I_ won't be,''

''It's not that far away,'' she offered. ''But putting distance away, what would change if you stayed?''

Thinking about her words, Steve didn't know what to say. He and Hayley were in a place where they both didn't know where they were with one another. Before her last mission, Hayley pushed Steve away out of fear of losing what they were. But in the end, they were without a relationship completely. But after the mission, when they each came so close to losing one another forever, it made them both regret letting each other go.

But they had been at a standstill for weeks. Fear and guilt holding them back.

''Nothing,'' Steve lied. ''Which is why I'm going,''

* * *

'Three more weeks' is the phrase that kept running through Hayley's mind. That's how long it was going to take before she could finish her rehabilitation and get back into the field. But it wasn't her eagerness to get back into work that frustrated her, instead it was the fact that Steve only had one more day left in New York before he would leave.

Being on the field took her mind off everything, off the fact he was gone, and without it she was going to go crazy. Without Steve, three weeks weren't going to be easy.

''So, uh, all packed?'' she asked, pushing the food around on her plate.

It had been her idea to have dinner with Steve that night, to say goodbye, to finish off his time in New York in almost the same way he started it. Except everything was so different.

''Yeah,'' Steve nodded, doing the same with his own meal. ''Wasn't much to pack,''

They sat in silence for a while longer, trying to think of what they could say to one another. The goodbye was looming, but neither of them wanted to admit that this would be the last time they saw one another for a long time.

''This is miserable,'' Hayley admit, pushing her plate away and sitting back in the booth of the diner. ''It shouldn't be,''

''I know,'' Steve sighed.

''Nothing's going to change, you've got an amazing opportunity in Washington, we should be celebrating,'' she explained, more so trying to convince herself. ''We're still going to...you and me, we'll still be...''

''Always,'' Steve assured, knowing there were no words to sum them up.

Hayley smiled over to him, thinking about the first time she ever spent the day with Steve. They walked around the city like two people who hadn't been outside four walls in years. For Steve, it was absolutely correct. But for Hayley, she was being reintroduced to happiness.

A feeling she hadn't felt for so long before Steve came into her life. A feeling she was so reluctant to entertain.

''We didn't go to Coney Island,'' Hayley announced, her eyes wide with realization.

''Oh,'' Steve remember, shrugging his shoulders. ''It's okay, we can go another time,''

''No,'' Hayley shook her head. ''I told you we would go, that we'd go to the boardwalk and we'd get a shake and we'd play in the arcade-''

''Hayley, it's okay. I'll come back, we can go anytime,''

Hayley looked over to him with a frown, completely disappointed in her lack of memory. But above his head on the back wall of the diner was a clock that took Hayley's focus for a few seconds, right before she looked back to Steve with eagerness in her eyes.

''We can still make it before you go,'' she told him, already standing up. ''Come on, we've gotta get to the subway,''

Steve watched her for a moment to see if she was serious, but he already knew she was.

''Right now?''

Hayley reached down to grab his hand, pulling him away from the diner booth and out the door.

''The rides go until morning on weekends,'' she told him, hurrying their steps.

Steve rushed to her side, following her around the street to the subway station. This is what he was going to miss about her, what he _had _missed through all this time apart. Hayley was spontaneous, she surprised him all the time, and Steve would have followed her through anything.

When they finally boarded the subway, Steve was reminded of just how crowded it became at night, especially on the weekend. Hayley backed into a corner to avoid the other passengers, Steve standing right in front of her with his back to everyone around them.

''This reminds me of the first time we went to Brooklyn,'' she chuckled.

The journey this time was slower, rockier and far more crowded. They were experiencing the passengers of a Saturday night on the subway and the foot traffic of a night out on the sidewalk. Steve stuck close by Hayley as she maneuvered around the crowds of people. Last time, they walked leisurely, looking at all the sights that Steve hadn't seen for over seventy years.

But now, those sights and memories were ignored. There was one place, one strong memory, that Steve hadn't faced since he had woken up in this new world, and Hayley was getting him there before he left for this new assignment. She was fulfilling the promise she made him every time he woke from a nightmare. Whenever fear clouded his mind, Hayley promised they would visit this place that gave him so much happiness.

''Looking familiar?'' Hayley asked with a smile.

Steve couldn't wipe the grin off his face. Everything was familiar. He could see the street he and Bucky used to walk down so frequently, the alley they used to sneak out of, and the road that would eventually lead them to Coney Island.

''Sure is,'' he told her. ''Newer, bigger, but still the same,''

Reaching back to grab his hand once more, Hayley pulled Steve along until they could finally see the lights of Coney Island. Even when they came into view, with every step they took, neither let go.

''Here we are,'' Hayley sighed contently, standing with Steve at the entrance.

Steve looked around with a smile and an ache in his heart, remembering the last time he was here with Bucky. When Bucky tricked Steve into rides he knew were too much, when they both ate too may hot dogs and made one another ill, when they tried to dupe the arcade games and win prizes for the girls they had no chances with. When they were kids. Before the war, before the serum, before he lost Bucky and everyone else he loved.

But now, he chose not to dwell on what he didn't have anymore. Instead, he was reminded of how happy he once was, how happy he could actually be.

''Arcade?'' Hayley offered.

Steve nodded, smile still on his lips.

Although the rides were still in operation, the arcade itself had only one hour left. So Steve and Hayley raced around in a fit of laughter and intense game face for the entire hour, challenging one another to what they could win. Steve noticed a few stares while they were there, people whispering to one another, asking if they were really seeing Captain America.

But it wasn't enough to take Steve's attention from his date for the evening.

''You know, since I was a kid, I've always wanted one of those arcade teddy bears,'' she admit to him as they stood by the clown face game. ''It's my dream arcade moment,''

Steve raised his eyebrows and took a step closer to the game.

''That a challenge?''

Hayley smirked, folding her arms.

''More like a request,''

''Oh, I see,'' Steve laughed. ''One arcade teddy bear it is,''

Standing by Steve as he took on the game, Hayley realized that this was actually a date. A date she had dreamed of since she was in high school, and it had taken her this long to realize that the only person she would want to be on this date with was Steve. The only thing that clouded the night was the fact that in the morning, Steve wasn't going to be here.

In a matter of minutes, Steve was cheering and turning to Hayley with a big, goofy grin on his face. Hayley zoned back in to the moment, realizing that the arcade teddy bear was finally won.

''For the lady,'' Steve announced, presenting the stuffed animal to her.

Hayley laughed, taking the toy into her hands and smiling like a child. Steve wished he could live this night continually, without rest, and it wasn't even over. In a few short hours he was reminded of why he was so taken by Hayley, as if he needed to be reassured just how much he was going to miss being near her.

Once the arcade was over, with teddy bear in hand, Hayley led Steve outside to the rides that were still going, looking out to the water. The lights and music of the park were magical, illuminating everything in bright colors.

''Finally tall enough to ride,'' Steve chuckled to himself.

He remembered all the times Bucky would sneak him onto the rides he wasn't permitted on, cutting him into the line without the workers even noticing. Bucky made sure Steve was never left out, he made sure everything he did was by his side.

''Something tells me you weren't much of an adrenaline junkie,'' Hayley noted.

''No, definitely not,'' Steve shook his head. ''Not without trying though, but my body just couldn't handle it. I don't know how many times I threw up on these rides, mostly on Bucky too, and after we spent all our money on hot dogs,''

Hayley laughed, imagining it.

''Hey, it's not Coney Island if someone isn't throwing up,'' she shrugged with a grin. ''So, what's next? I got my arcade dream, what's yours?''

Steve thought for a moment, deciding to go with exactly what he was thinking. He turned to her with a small smirk.

''Well, it's not the arcade,'' he admit. ''But when I used to come here, everyone was here on their dates. And I used to be pretty jealous of the guys who got to ride to the Ferris Wheel with their girls, and then right when they got to the top, they kissed them,''

Hayley could feel her heart beating out of control as she looked at Steve, her lips turning up into a smile and her cheeks beginning to grow a shade redder. Clutching the teddy in her arms and watching as Steve waited anxiously for what she would say, she grinned.

''Two tickets for the Ferris Wheel then,''

And so they rode to the top, looking out over the water, their bodies side by side and both nervously awaiting the climax. They had kissed many times before, but they both knew this was different. This was the reigniting of what they were, and it was too painful to think about how unfortunate the timing was.

As their carriage moved closer to the top, their hands locked together, their gaze soon doing the same.

When Steve's lips met hers, everything felt right. Hayley's hand went behind his head, her fingers moving into his hair, gripping as if he was going to disappear any moment. Steve did the same, his arm wrapping around her waist and pulling her closer. They could hear people in the carriages around them wooing in applause and giggling, but still they didn't pull apart.

Not even when their carriage finally reached the bottom.

**Hey guys if you're still enjoying the story please leave a review with your thoughts, I love and appreciate it and you guys so much! **


	41. Chapter 41

_No time_  
_There's no end,_  
_there is no goodbye_  
_Disappear_  
_with the night_

* * *

Hayley felt right in Steve's arms. She wasn't scared, she wasn't paranoid and she wasn't constantly analyzing every move she had to make in order to get further away from her reality. She felt warm, comfortable and safer than anywhere else she had been in her life.

''How can ice-cream melt when it's so cold?'' Hayley wondered, twisting the spoon in the chocolate treat before lifting her hand up to offer it to Steve.

They were huddled together on a bench by the pier, looking out at the moonlight over the water, watching as the lights of Coney Island began to die out and people made their way home. Steve bent down slightly to take the ice cream in his mouth, laughing as he noticed a few drops of melted chocolate fall onto Hayley's forehead.

''Please tell me that's ice cream, not drool,'' she spoke softly, not wanting to make it run down her face.

Steve kept chuckling to himself as he swallowed the ice cream in his mouth, earning a frown from Hayley who was less than impressed by the idea of ice cream drying in her hair or making her skin all sticky.

As the moment of laughter subsided, Steve once again leaned down and kissed her forehead where the ice cream had dropped, watching as her lips moving up into an amused grin at his action.

''Rogers, you're gross,'' she shook her head.

''Mm, chocolatey,'' he grinned, his chest rumbling with another laugh.

Shaking her head, Hayley went back to finishing off the ice cream with Steve, spooning them one mouthful each repeatedly. It was an odd treat to have on a cold night, but being in the early hours of the morning now, it was the only sweets option.

Neither of them cared since all they really wanted was to sit together on the pier in one another's arms, dragging out every second and refusing to let themselves think that in a few more hours, Steve was going to have to board a jet out of here.

''We better get to the subway,'' Steve suggested, disappointed in the idea of the night ending.

''Yeah,'' Hayley agreed with a nod, pushing herself up from his lap and leaning against his shoulder. ''I guess,''

* * *

Cold air blew onto their skin as they walked along the street from the subway station. Hayley refused to let go of Steve's hand the entire time, their bodies glues together side-by-side as they walked by groups of friends laughing and chatting on their way home. It made both of them feel incredibly normal as they passed them by, completely filled with joy in their own bubble.

As the SHIELD building came into their view, they both felt their feet slow in pace, desperately wanting to be further away from the night ending. But even at a slow pace, they soon came to the door of the building. Then the stairs, and eventually, Hayley's door.

Sighing in disappointment, Hayley pressed her key into the door and turned back to Steve. She didn't know what to say. There weren't words to convey how badly she was going to miss him and how far it was going to feel. Steve could see her struggle, and instead of watching her torture herself for words, he just nodded.

''Don't,'' he warned. ''I know,''

Hayley shook her head, leaning back on the door. She looked beyond Steve, unable to meet his gaze. Her eyes grew glassier, tears beginning to well as just the thought of him being gone. It was hitting her harder than she thought, right now in this moment.

''Hey,'' Steve whispered, reaching out to cup her cheek.

Hayley's hand came up to rest on top of his, holding it there and feeling his warmth.

''Don't go,'' she whispered in return.

''Don't do that,'' he shook his head, leaning in to rest his head against hers. ''Don't make it harder,''

''No, I know you have to leave, it's okay,'' she nodded. ''But right now, before the sun comes up, don't go,''

Steve's eyes flickered up to meet her own, his heart beating uncontrollably. Hayley looked back at him with a small smile, running her fingers over his cheeks, pulling him closer to her lips. Within one small movement, Steve's lips were crushing down on her own, his tongue darting out to dance with hers. It was passionate and it was wild and it was unlike any other kiss they had ever shared.

By snaking his hand down Hayley's back, he bent down slightly to grip beneath her buttocks and lift her into his arms. With a small groan of approval, Hayley wrapped her legs around his waist and twisted the doorknob. They fell inside quickly, the door slamming behind them as Steve pressed her up against it.

It was dark inside, the small glimmer of light from the moon barely illuminating anything. But they didn't care. They didn't need lights, they didn't need guidance. As long as their hands were on one another, nothing mattered.

Everything felt like it was in slow motion. Hayley's hands slid beneath his jacket, pushing it off his shoulders forcefully as if she had been wanting to do so all night. Steve pulled off her coat in return, lifting her off the wall for only a second so it could slide to the ground.

He could feel a desire swelling within him, something he hadn't felt in such a long time. Before Hydra, before the ice, before he met Hayley. That same desire was swelling within Hayley too, her stomach filling with butterflies and her breath becoming heavy and desperate.

''Steve,'' she panted, breaking away for air.

''Did...did I do something?'' he asked in a breathless voice.

''No,'' she assured. ''But this would be a lot more comfortable elsewhere,''

Steve could feel arousal spread throughout his whole body and he agreed elsewhere would be better, but he didn't know if he could even walk at the moment. Hayley pulled him back to her lips a moment later, pushing them off the wall and holding her legs around him as he stumbled backwards. It only took a few seconds for him to realize he was in the small hallway, knowing that if he took a few more steps he would be at Hayley's bedroom.

He bashed through the door as gracefully as he could while feeling as if his whole body was on fire, feeling the bed at the back of his legs. Lowering himself down, Hayley remained straddled on his lap, their lips not parting for even a second. That was until Hayley pulled his shirt off, throwing it across the room once it was torn over his head.

Her hands roamed his chest, feeling every muscle and shiver. Steve groaned in response, running his hand up her shirt and ripping it apart. Hayley broke away with a gasp.

''Sorry,'' Steve muttered, bringing her lips back to him.

It was unintentional, but right now he didn't care, and neither did she. He could have ripped apart an overly expensive designer gown right now and she wouldn't care at all.

Hayley's hands wandered down to the buckle of his pants, undoing them as fast as she could before Steve's lips could pull away to let out an appreciative moan. She had never seen him like this or even imagined he could be so free, but here he was before her.

Steve felt himself pulled free of his pants, a grunt escaping his lips as he felt Hayley's hand grabbing him. Swiftly, he flipped them over so Hayley was beneath him. Kissing along her neck, listening to her blissful moans, he traveled down her chest until he reached her own pants. Moving off the bed quickly, Steve ripped them off her much like he had done with her shirt.

In a matter of seconds his own pants were discarded, his body moving to crawl back above her. Hayley loved Steve like this. He was out of control yet in total control all at once. He lifted her easily as he rolled again, sitting her on his lap as his hands fumbled with her bra.

Hayley broke away with a giggle, reaching behind to undo it for him.

''Takes practice,'' she whispered, tossing it to the ground.

Steve's hands stayed by her side until she grabbed them and guided them to her chest, knowing it was where he wanted them to be. Steve had never been this far before, he still didn't know what he could and couldn't do, but everything seemed to flow perfectly with Hayley. She guided him, he guided her, it was as if they were made to be together.

''Hayley,'' he breathed, his hands falling back down to grip her hips.

Hayley pushed him onto his back, laying above him, feeling just how ready he was.

''Steve,'' she whispered in return. ''I want to know...if you're sure,''

Steve stared back at her in disbelief, his hands moving to the side of her face.

''I'm never unsure with you,'' he asserted. ''And I've never been so sure,''

* * *

Steve heard his phone buzz on the floor of Hayley's bedroom, underneath the pool of clothes they had tossed to the ground. Opening his eyes, he immediately saw Hayley across from him, her bare back to him, her hair a mess, but so deeply content. He smiled at the sight, knowing that this was what it was like to truly wake up next to the person you loved.

His phone continued buzzing as he stared at Hayley, breaking away from her body to reach for the alarm he had set. The jet would be ready now, Natasha would be waiting, and if he didn't make it on time, they would come looking for him. But the last thing he wanted to do right now was leave Hayley without a goodbye.

But she was too peaceful to wake, too beautiful to disturb.

Leaning in to rest against her shoulder, Steve pressed a kiss to her neck.

''I love you,'' Steve whispered. ''God, I love you,''

* * *

The sun woke Hayley with it's burning brightness. It was as if she had a torch placed before her eyelids. Groaning in protest and annoyance, she flipped herself over in bed and tried to get back to the most wonderful sleep she had ever had before everything from hours earlier came rushing back to her.

Eyes shooting open, Hayley sat up in bed and immediately noticed Steve's absence. Any glimmer of hope to get back to that sleep was gone. The bed suddenly wasn't so warm, wasn't so full.

It was as if for the time she was in her slumber, the idea of Steve leaving was lost. But waking to reality just reminded her of how real it was.

But even with him gone, with the idea of him having to leave her and catch a jet, she couldn't help smile. Because for once in her life she was beyond certain of something. She felt something stronger than the pain, the worry and the depression she had grown to accept as normal. She felt some genuine happiness.

Across from her, on the nightstand, Hayley noticed a small note placed upright for her to read. Scooting over in the bed, wrapping her naked body in the cool sheets, she sat up to read.

_I'm sorry I had to leave like this, but I couldn't bare waking you to say goodbye when this isn't one.  
__I'm going to be back and I'm going to be with you soon, I promise.  
I'll call you later today when everything in Washington settles.  
And I love you. I love you.  
_

Hayley smiled down at his perfect writing, her heart fluttering at the words, wishing she could hear his voice. But he was right, it wasn't a goodbye. There was no way either of them were letting this be a goodbye. It was a 'see you soon'.

And as Hayley thought about their night together, her eyes closed with a small smile as her mind relieved every feeling she shared with him, she couldn't help think that it was a pretty good way to say it.


	42. Chapter 42

_If it weren't for second chances, we'd all be alone_

* * *

Hayley huffed in annoyance when she walked into the old gym, realizing that for the first time since she had been coming here, someone finally broke in. The mini fridge that was set up in the corner, although it had been empty for months now, was tipped on it's side and thrown in the middle of the room. The four bags that had been set up were reduced to one, the others thrown around the gym and one cut open.

Graffiti lined the walls and floor, scribbled writing that was barely readable from the creative font and colors. But on the back wall, something was written that was very clear.

_Fuck the Avengers._

Dropping her bag to the ground by the only bag left hanging, Hayley put her foot on the side of the now ruined mini fridge and slid it across the floor with force until it hit the side wall. She remembered first getting it, her and Steve both thinking that they could make this place their own, that they would always be here together.

Looking around now, it was barely recognizable as that place they first met.

Hayley put all her nostalgic thoughts out of her mind as she wrapped her hands, pulling her long brown hair back into a ponytail and shrugging off her hooded jacket. One week remained until she was cleared for field duty again, and although she had kept in shape throughout her leave, Hayley was determined to be better than she was before. To be ready for anything.

As an hour passed by, Hayley had no intention of heading back to her apartment. Instead she was on the ground doing a round of sit-ups before hitting the bag again, alternating her workout.

As she sat up to take a breath before her next round, Hayley heard a noise outside the side door. Perhaps whoever trashed the gym the night before weren't finished with it yet. Unsure if it was a loner or a group, Hayley stood up and began taking steps toward the door as the noise continued. Her whole body was tense as she prepared for whoever was about to come through.

''Jesus,'' the familiar voice coughed. ''What a fucking dump. You actually _choose _to come here rather than the facility?''

Hayley narrowed her eyes at the man coming in through the door. Dressed in what looked to be an overly-expensive suit, Benjamin Flynn strode into the gym with a look of distaste, wondering why he was even here. In fact, Hayley wondered the exact same thing.

''Flynn,'' Hayley put her hands on her hips, taking a deep breath as she let her worry subside. ''What the hell are _you _doing here?''

''Well hello to you too,'' he remarked. ''That the way to greet an old friend?''

Hayley frowned and rolled her eyes.

''I thought you were too busy with assignments and avoiding all emotional contact with anyone to have old friends?''

Flynn smirked.

''You still remember the last conversation we had, how sweet of you,''

''I remember because you made me believe it,'' Hayley shook her head, hands still on her hips. ''What brings you to New York?''

''Debriefing, fly out in a few hours to London before another assignment,'' he sighed as if it was boring news. ''I heard about your last mission,''

Hayley watched him for a moment before a glare took over her expression, turning away from him to step toward the punching bag. It surprised her how much motivation she had to hit something from just seeing his face.

''I've let it go,'' she told him, fist hitting against the bag loudly.

''Clearly,'' he muttered. ''And I also hear you're going back in the field as of next week,''

''You hear a lot of stuff,''

''I know a lot of people,'' he shrugged. ''I've got an assignment coming up, could use a second with me,''

Hayley stopped hitting the bag, turning to him with a narrowed look.

''You want me as a second?''

''Went well the first time,''

''Apart from us wanting to kill each other,''

''I never wanted to kill you,''

''I can't say say the same,'' she almost smirked. ''What's the assignment?''

''Oh O'Connor, you know I can't say anything until you've agreed and been briefed,'' he teased. ''Come on. It's your first mission back, it'd be good for you to be with someone you know out there,''

''Like a babysitter?'' she began, anger rising.

''No, a second,'' he assured. ''Look, I have to go get ready for my flight and get out of this suffocating trash pile. When you're cleared, give me a call and I'll get you on the op,''

Hayley watched as he began to walk toward the door, looking over at her as if he wanted a response.

''I'll think about it,'' she nodded, breathing heavily as she prepared to begin her punches again.

''You do that,''

* * *

A few nights later, Hayley sat on the window sill in her apartment, looking out at the setting sun behind the city and sighing in content as she listened to the voice in her ear. Steve had called just over twenty minutes ago and even though they had spoken just a two days earlier, their conversation hadn't dulled yet.

''So they're a good team, huh?''

''Couldn't have asked for better. First mission went off without a problem, it's nice to be working in a unit again,'' Steve added.

In Washington, he was sprawled out on the couch, one arm behind his head as he listened to her voice. As much as he missed being able to simply walk to her apartment or go for a walk by her side, Steve was happy to know that she too was keeping busy back in New York.

But as her return to the field crept closer each day, he couldn't help worry. Steve knew that Hayley was the strongest person he knew, that she wouldn't take on anything she couldn't handle, but he still couldn't shake his nerves for her.

''Washington sounds a lot better than the New York facility,'' Hayley grumbled. ''I mean, I guess it _is _the Triskellion and not a little old building,''

''I can't believe how much they have here,'' Steve shook his head. ''The machinery, the technology, the weapons. It's all so...it's gonna take some getting used to,''

''Everything does,'' she reminded him softly.

Steve smiled into the phone at her small but reassuring words. If he closed his eyes, he could easily imagine himself sitting beside her on the couch, the apartment in darkness as they watched the moon shine bright and the city come to life outside. But the only noise they would hear was each other's voice.

''So, two more days and then you're cleared,'' he reminded. ''How do you feel?''

Hayley groaned in frustration.

''Ready to get out of this apartment, it's driving me insane. I'm just ready to be busy, to be out there doing something,''

''Do you know what your first assignment will be?''

''No, but...Agent Flynn came to see me the other day,'' she sighed.

''From your first mission?''

''That's the one. He wants me to be his second on an assignment next week,''

Steve thought for a moment. The last time, and only time, that Hayley was on a mission with Agent Flynn, she returned a different person. One who focused solely on the missions, who cut Steve off from her life so that they could each work without holding one another back.

He knew it was a deeper issue than a few words from a colleague, but Flynn definitely didn't do her any favors by adding to her worries. Steve had always had a feeling that Agent Flynn had something to do with it, that he had some sort of manipulative power of Hayley, and he worried for what he could do this time.

''Are you going to?'' he asked casually, not wanting to sound at all against it.

''I don't know,'' she admit honestly. ''He's kind of an ass to work with,''

Steve laughed, imagining her face as she said that.

''So your opinion of the guy hasn't changed, huh?''

''Not at all,'' she chuckled. ''But he thinks it'll be good for me to be with him on my first assignment from clearance,''

''You should be with someone you trust. Do you trust him?'' he asked.

Hayley thought for a moment, but not about Agent Flynn. She hadn't worked with someone she trusted for almost the entirety of her career as an agent. On solo missions, she knew she could trust her own judgement. But with another agent, Hayley felt uneasy. Working among agents was nothing like working among soldiers, and it was something she still hadn't adjusted to.

Steve could hear her hesitation, but he let her take her time to respond.

''I don't think I trust anyone when I'm out there,'' she sighed. ''And that's not how it's supposed to be,''

''How long have you felt like that?''

Hayley closed her eyes for a moment and shook her head.

''Since the Borya mission,'' she admit, realizing how her body shivered at the name.

Steve frowned to himself and felt himself filling with anger as he thought of what happened to her on that mission. It should have never happened. Agents were always going to have missions that go wrong, but Hayley had been through so much before it, he remembered thinking that it had truly broken her.

''I'm fine Steve,'' she warned.

''I know,''

''I can hear you worrying from here,''

''It's hard not to when I can't be there with you,'' he sighed. ''I miss you,''

''I miss you more,'' she laughed. ''God, we sound like teenagers,''

Steve laughed with her, adjusting his arm beneath his head until he was comfortable again.

''I'm going to try and get to New York in a few days,'' he promised.

''No, Steve, you're just settling in. Once I get cleared and everything is somewhat normal again, I could visit Washington,'' she suggested. ''You can show me around for a change, I'll be the 93 year old,''

''Funny,'' he shook his head. ''But I like that idea,''

''Then it's a date,''

''A date, huh?'' he smirked.

Hayley smiled as she imagined the cheeky look on his face.

''Don't sound too excited, that means you have to pay for dinner,'' she quipped.

''You got it Doll,'' he smiled. ''Huh, we actually do sound like teenagers,''

* * *

Lewis looked down at the files in front of him as he sat back in his chair, letting out a small sigh as he tried to comprehend what Hayley had just told him. The whole point of this meeting right now was to reestablish Hayley within the field and talk joining Agent Flynn's assignment to ease the transition. But instead, there was a whole new plan that was going to have to be made.

It was a decision that Hayley had made the night before this meeting. She knew she was going to wake up and be cleared for duty once again, but this time she wanted to make sure she was walking back into a field she knew right to her core. The field that she had been fighting in since she was twenty two years old, the field she worked in alongside her brother.

It was where she belonged.

''So, let me get this straight,'' Lewis began. ''After everything you did to become an Agent, after all the assignments, you want to go _back _to being in the SHIELD defense and tactile team?''

Hayley folded her arms in front of her, nodding assuredly.

''Yes sir,''

''May I ask why?''

That was a lengthier story than she cared to tell, but there was one moment that stood out to her in realizing that she wasn't right for being an agent.

''When Agent Flynn asked me to join his assignment, all I could think about was the fact that if I went with him, I'd be leaving the real me here,'' she shrugged. ''My last mission with Flynn, I wasn't the agent I wanted to be. I know we got the job done, but being that person with him, it's not me,''

''So it's the undercover work you don't enjoy?''

''I'm a soldier sir,'' Hayley stated clearly. ''I can fight and I do it well. It's what I know. Deception, lying, being someone else, that's _not _what I was trained for all these years,''

Lewis looked over at her for a few moments.

''Has this anything to do with your last mission?''

''Partly,'' she nodded. ''Borya had my family, my friend and everything about me. I never want to put them in danger again,''

''Defense has it's dangers too,''

''But they're also a team. A team that turns into it's own family, and one that I would trust with my life. I work better in a unit, and I want to rejoin my old one,''

Staring over at her, thinking of the paperwork this was going to entail, Lewis sighed and closed her file. If he was to be honest with himself, he was rather happy with the decision to move her back to defense. He had read her file over and over again when bringing her to agent status, and her work with them was flawless.

''Alright,'' he nodded. ''You can begin training with your old unit this afternoon in the facility downstairs,''

Hayley felt a wave of relief and comfort.

''Thank you sir,''

''But I'm not wiping your agent status. We may need you out there sometime,''

''That's fine,'' she answered immediately, already sounding like the soldier she used to be.

Lewis gave her a small smile before reaching for the large stamp in the corner of his desk, the red ink pressing against her file hard and sure.

''Well Agent O'Connor, or Private, you're cleared for field duty again. Welcome back.''


	43. Chapter 43

_I feel wonderful because I see_  
_the love light in your eyes,_  
_and the wonder of it all_  
_is that you just don't realize how much I love you._

* * *

Hayley's eyes were focused on the circuit before her, her heart racing as her legs sprinted down the large training center and jumped over the first obstacles. Commander Brennan started every day off with this test, encouraging everyone to beat their previous time, but over this past week Hayley had barely changed her timing. It was hard getting back into the swing of things, but after so long of begin uncertain, Hayley was sure this was where she was meant to be.

Brennan shouted from the sidelines as the team raced themselves, watching everyone move, making sure all the right techniques were used throughout the course. It was nice to be back training with someone she was familiar with, it was like coming back to school after the summer.

''Nice work, nice work!'' Brennan clapped as they all finished the course. ''Now twenty laps of the sprint track, let's go!''

Everyone gathered their breath and groaned quietly at the instructions, pushing through all their pain and aches to get on with the training. They would be better for it afterwards, but right now it seemed like too much.

''O'Connor,'' Brennan called out, quieter. ''Mind if I have a word?''

Hayley put her hands on her hips and shook her head, giving him a light smile as she walked over, chest heaving as she caught her breath.

''Sir?''

''Oh callin' me sir won't get you out of those twenty laps,'' Brennan smirked with a chuckle. ''I noticed your arm isn't too strong, how's that going?''

Hayley stretched said arm, nodding her head in understanding.

''It's getting there,'' she assured. ''Hasn't taken some strain for a while, but it feels good,''

''You sure? I don't want you pushing yourself right away, you've gotta built that arm back up. Take it slower,''

''I won't beat my record if I go slower,'' she grinned.

''I'm serious O'Connor, I know you like to push it, but you're back in the unit now, you got your team relying on you. Don't overdo yourself,'' he warned.

A team that needed her. It was odd how comforting those words were.

''Yes sir,''

Brennan nodded with a small smirk and a shake of his head.

''Right, now hit the track for twenty,''

* * *

Hayley pulled along a small roller-bag behind her as she walked through the corridors of the old apartment building. She should have guessed that Steve would have chosen a small and run down place like this one, it felt homey and safe, not too modern and not too ancient. The biggest thing she seemed to like so far was the fact that it was away from SHIELD's prying eyes.

Steve had called her that morning and told her to let him know when she arrived at the airport, but Hayley wanted to add some surprise to her visit. Plus, she didn't want their first reunion in a month to be shared with strangers.

As she found the apartment number, the door at the end of the corridor, a smile crept onto her lips in excitement. She hadn't exactly been lonely the past few weeks with being reintroduced to her team and training every day, but missing Steve was a different kind of loneliness. She could listen to his voice all day, but all she really wanted was to wrap her arms around him and hug him so tight she never had to let go.

Remaining as silent as she could, Hayley let her bag sit by the door as she lightly tapped against it a few times. She could hear footsteps inside and Steve clearing his throat, suddenly becoming nervous. A happy nervous, a feeling she hadn't felt for so long.

Steve opened the door, his brows creased together as he thought of who to expect. Hayley watched his reaction slowly turn from curiosity to shock, relief and excitement. Hayley didn't even get to get her opening joke out before Steve took a step out the door and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her off the ground and burying his face in the crook of her neck.

''Well hello there Captain,'' she laughed, her arms snaking around him in return.

Feeling his breath against her skin made her feel so warm and content, back in the arms of someone she loved so much.

''God I missed you,'' he sighed, still keeping her feet off the ground, breathing in deeply and smelling her scent and shampoo.

''I missed you more,'' she promised, running her hands over his back.

''Not possible,'' he fought. ''I thought you were going to let me know when you were at the airport,''

''I wanted to surprise you,''

''Please don't tell me you walked here from-''

''I took a cab,'' she rolled her eyes at his concern, feeling the ground beneath her feet again. ''I don't know this city, I couldn't just walk here,''

''Good,'' he smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead. ''Because we're going out tonight, so I hope you're not tired,''

''Tonight?'' she asked, feeling Steve reach around her to grab her bag and pull them both into the apartment.

It was bigger than the apartment he had at the SHIELD facility, and although it was still rather small, it was perfect for Steve. There were books on the shelves, books by the couch, and in the corner of the room against the wall sat his red and blue shield.

Hayley was pulled from her thoughts of the apartment when she remembered Steve's words, feeling his hands on the sides of her waist as he continued to hold her. It was as if he had gone months without her, but given how they spent their last moments together in New York, they both understood their newfound need for one another. It wasn't just sexual - although that was definitely a major factor - but it was the closeness.

''You said you wanted a date,'' Steve reminded.

''I didn't mean...Steve, you didn't have to, I know crowds aren't your thing,'' Hayley shook her head. ''I don't want to make you do that,''

''You're not making me do anything,'' he assured. ''I want to. I've never...''

''Been on a date?'' she asked softly.

''I wasn't the first choice for many ladies','' he admit shyly. ''For all of them, actually,''

Hayley's heart stung at his words and the way they came out of his mouth, almost like he was embarrassed. The only time Steve had a chance at a real date was with Peggy, and losing that chance had haunted him for so long.

''You're_ my_ first choice,'' Hayley promised him, cupping his cheek sweetly.

Steve's lips turned up at her words, leaning down to capture her lips with his own. It was slow and tender, one that let her know just how much he had missed her. Hayley slid her hands around his neck and into his hair, letting out a small moan into the kiss before breaking away.

Their breath was heavy as they leaned against one another, not wanting to get carried away. Hayley chuckled as she felt his heart beating, realizing how simple it was to drive Steve crazy. Everything felt like fireworks and sparks between them now.

''Can I ask you something...personal?'' she whispered.

Steve paused for a moment, nerves growing as he swallowed.

''Go ahead,''

''I know you're religious, or at least I know that's what the SHIELD file I was given says, and I was thinking about when we...'' she trailed off, looking at Steve's concerned expression, his cheeks turning a shade pinker. ''I just want to know if you're a 'no sex before marriage' guy. Because I feel like I pushed you into it that night...and I didn't even think,''

Taking a moment to think before he spoke, Steve couldn't help the small yet uneasy chuckle that escaped his lips. Hayley just looked up at him in confusion, awaiting his answer.

''Hayley, you didn't _push _me into anything,'' he cleared up. ''I wanted...I wanted that too. I have my religion, yes, but I woke up seventy years past my time to nothing and no one. In what felt like a day to me, everything was gone. I lost every moment and every chance I could have had at happiness. I won't lose that with you,''

Staring up at him with wide eyes, falling more in love with him, mesmerized the look in his eyes and the confidence in his words, Hayley was sure her heart beat was echoing around the room.

''I just want you to be sure,'' she said after a moment. ''That...that I'm worth that,''

Steve lifted his hand to cup her cheek, running his thumb over her soft cheek, a hard look on his face as he looked down at her. He almost looked angry, but Hayley couldn't take her eyes off him, even if he was.

''You are worth _everything _to me,'' he told her firmly. ''There's no one else,''

Holding his hand with her own, Hayley reached up to press a soft kiss to his lips, pulling away only to move into his chest for a hug. Steve wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her close, kissing the top of her head as she buried her face in his neck.

''I love you Steve,''

* * *

Hayley was glad she had packed a nice dress for her weekend in Washington. She knew that at some point they would be going out, but she wasn't expecting it on her first night. But now as she got ready, turning Steve's bathroom into her own wardrobe and makeup studio, she was beyond excited.

She had brought along a strapless deep blue dress, one that stopped just above her ankles and felt like silk against her skin. It had been so long since she had worn it, she couldn't remember what it would look like on her much paler body. But it was her only option, so instead of focusing too much on it, she instead turned her attention to her hair.

Steve was in his bedroom next door, fixing the white dress shirt he had picked out for their night. He had made reservations at a beautiful restaurant a few blocks away, but it wasn't overly lavish to the point of a bow tie. So instead he opted for a simple black tie to got with his suit, smiling to himself as he fixed it around his neck.

Hayley's earlier words echoed in his mind, making his heart flutter. The way she said I love you had so much conviction and no doubt whatsoever, he wondered if the past few months even happened.

When Hayley told him they couldn't do this anymore, he started to imagine a life without her in it, if that's what she wanted. But everything reminded him of her, and being with anyone else didn't make sense to him. But all that fear that Hayley held of them being together, holding one another back, being emotional tied to someone - it was all gone.

All it took was being strapped to a chair in underground Russia to realize that one of her biggest regrets was giving in to the fear.

''Huh,'' Hayley's voice came from behind him as she stepped out of the bathroom. ''You really do look good in a suit,''

Steve turned with a smile, met with such beauty that he had no words to respond with. Her long brown hair was draped over her shoulders, perfectly sleek and smooth. Her eyes were bigger and bolder than he had ever seen and her lips were painted as red as a rose.

All the woman that Steve had witnessed Bucky take on dates, all the dames that he wished he could take out alongside him – they had absolutely nothing on the woman standing before him now.

''You…wow,'' Steve breathed out, his eyes wide. ''You're so beautiful,''

Hayley felt like a schoolgirl again, turning her head slightly and feeling her cheeks redden.

''You don't have to woo me Steve, I've already agreed to the date,'' she joked, wandering over to him with a cheeky look on her face.

Steve felt her arms wrap around him, her heels making it easier to simply turn her head up to him and pout, her lips pressing against his with the softest of touches.

''I uh, made a reservation for seven,'' Steve told her softly.

''Mm, better not be late then,'' she smirked.

Steve immediately felt disappointed as her body moved away from his, but his grin soon returned when she held her hand out for him to take.

Tonight they were going to be like all the loved-up couples they used to watch from the window of her apartment, the couples that couldn't take their hands off one another, that couldn't help kissing in the middle of a crowded footpath. And now they had their chance to finally feel all of that.


	44. Chapter 44

_I will stay with you tonight_  
_Hold you close 'til the morning light_  
_In the morning watch a new day rise_  
_We'll do whatever just to stay alive_

Steve never thought he would be on a date. A proper date. Not a date where the girl excuses herself and doesn't return, who only shows up as a favor to Bucky or who sits in silence as Steve tries not to throw up from nerves. But here he was.

And not just with a beautiful dame on his arm which he fantasized about, but one that he loved with everything he had. It didn't matter that he bumped the table and spilled water on her dress or that he mispronounced his meal when ordering, because he had never felt more at ease. Especially when he looked over and saw Hayley staring back at him with a smile.

It had taken her so long to get here. To let herself be consumed by someone, to be in love and allow herself happiness. There was only one person that she would want that with, and he was sitting right across from her.

"Brennan's got a two week training course when I go back, and then I'll go to Chicago and see my parents. I want to see them before we get called out to duty,'' she explained as they ate their meals.

"Do you know when that is?'' he asked, taking a sip of water.

"Whenever we're needed,'' she explained. "Otherwise I'll be based in New York until then,"

Steve nodded and looked back down at his food, thinking once again of their distance. They may have been only a few hours apart, but things were just becoming great between them after all they had been through to make it here, and it made it feel so much further.

Taking a mouthful of food, Hayley could see the deep thought Steve was stuck in. He stared down at his plate as if he was looking at a mission report, his eyebrows drawn together in sheer focus and concern.

"This isn't exactly date conversation, is it?'' she laughed, setting down her fork and leaning further onto the table.

"None of my dates have lasted this long,'' he admit with a small chuckle.

"Usually they consists of 'get to know you' questions,'' she sighed. "But…I think we know each other pretty well,"

Steve smiled at that notion. They knew each other more than anyone one a first date would, but they last thing they wanted to do was talk about SHIELD or missions or the fact that they only had the next two days together.

Hayley thought for a moment, smirking as she had an idea.

"How about instead of 'get to know you', we go the other direction?" she asked. "We'll do our own version of The Newlywed Game,"

"The Newlywed Game?"

"Yeah, it's a little game people play either before they get married or just after,'' Hayley explained. "We have to try and answer questions about each other, that way we'll get to the stuff we _don't _know about each other yet,''

Steve considered it for a moment, a playful smile on his lips.

"Okay, I'm in,"

Hayley picked up her phone for a moment and researched questions, laying it down for both her and Steve to see. She remembered playing this game as a teenager with her parents, her and Nick asking the questions as they uncovered their mom and dad's journey together.

"Want me to go first?'' she asked, stabbing a potato with her fork before popping it into her mouth.

"I'll go,'' he insisted, spinning her phone to read a question. "What was her favorite band in high school?''

Hayley looked up excitedly and finished her mouthful of food to answer.

"I was a _big _Pearl Jam fan,'' she admit. "If I heard them now, I'd go back to the head-banger I was in tenth grade,''

"A head-banger, huh?'' Steve chuckled.

"Oh yeah. I grew my hair past my butt just so I could dance properly in my room to Pearl Jam,"

Steve grinned at the mental image.

"Alright, I'm adding Pearl Jam to the list I need to check out," he vowed. "Your turn,''

Hayley looked down at her phone and recited the question.

"What was his favorite subject in school?''

Steve watched as she stared back at him, a smirk on her lips that said she didn't have to think too hard about the answer.

"I've seen pages of your scrapbook Rogers," she narrowed her eyes at him. "I'm going to say art class,''

"The only class I really excelled in,'' Steve laughed, nodding. "You've seen my drawings?"

Hayley looked down with a small grin, biting down on her lip as she sipped at her water once again.

"I might have taken a look,'' she admit.

"When?" he asked curiously.

"It was just after our first day together. You were getting dressed and there was a scrapbook on the couch with a pencil wedged inside. I couldn't help it,'' she sighed. "They were so beautiful. You had drawings of the city, of skies, of Bucky and uniforms and one of Peggy. When I saw her I knew that book was personal, so I put it down and didn't say a word,''

Steve watched her carefully as she spoke, her smile disappearing into an expression of guilt. It had been so long since Steve had pictured Peggy as he remembered her, since he had imagined the life he could have had before he flew into the ice. But he remembered the drawing she had seen. He remembered drawing her eyes as if she was still standing before him.

"I wouldn't have been upset," he told her.

"I still shouldn't have looked,'' she shook her head. "I just hope you're still growing that book. Keeping those memories alive,''

Steve hadn't picked up a pencil in weeks. Not since his last nights in New York. He drew his view from the apartment. The apartment he had lived in while getting his life back.

Once they had moved on from their moment, Steve insisted they return to the game. He was enjoying learning more about her and telling her stories of his childhood and adventures with Bucky as a kid. He loved letting her into the life he left behind, merging the memories with the life he had built for himself now.

* * *

Steve had never woken up happier. When his eyes fluttered open from his slumber, he was met with the sight of Hayley's parted lips and soft snores. Last time he had woken by her side, he had to leave her. But now he could lay there for as long as he wanted and just watch her, smiling at the fact that one of her arms was stretched over his bare stomach.

After dinner, they had begun walking around the city, Steve showing her his usual routes and places he had been visiting. But after a while he could tell she was tired, as much as she didn't want the night to end, and they had wandered back to the apartment and fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning.

As he looked her over, he noticed the marks over her shoulders and neck. They were dark purple scars, beginning to fade into her skin, solidifying their place with her forever. Marks from Borya's blades, from the pain he had caused her. Steve's smile disappeared as his jaw tightened, rage building inside him just thinking of that mission.

"Mm,'' Hayley groaned, rolling onto her stomach and burying her head into the pillow. "Too early,''

Steve moved to lean up on his elbow.

"It's almost eight,"

"I'm not getting out of bed until at least nine," she declared, voice muffled in the pillow.

"I thought you wanted to see the city," he reminded, reaching over to push all of her hair away from her face as she turned toward him.

"I'm too comfortable to get up," she admit with a sigh. "I haven't slept that well in a long time,"

"Me neither," he agreed, still running his fingers through her hair.

"If you keep doing that I'll just fall asleep again," she mumbled, her eyes closing.

"What if I make some breakfast?" he tempted.

Hayley was silent for a moment, her eyes flickering open a second later.

"Now I'm interested,"

* * *

Although Hayley had a woolly beanie pulled down over her head and covering her ears from the chilly air, she still had an ice-cream cone in her hand that she was licking happily as if it was the middle of summer. Steve had a baseball cap pulled over his head, a black jacket zipped over his body and his hands in his pockets, wondering how Hayley was able to enjoy such a cold treat.

They had been wandering around all day, looking at all the sights Washington had to offer and stopping to either grab food, coffee or a picture.

"You have to take a photo of me and the White House,'' Hayley had told him when they left his apartment that morning. "My parents have never been,"

But when they got there, Hayley didn't stop at the one photo. Instead she pulled Steve into view of the lens and snapped a photo of them both. They had never been so normal.

However it was never going to be completely normal. As they walked around the city, Hayley could see the looks Steve was getting. People knew who he was. They knew they were looking at Captain America, someone who had their own display and memorial at the Smithsonian Museum.

"I've looked around," Steve nodded when Hayley asked if he had been to see the display. "Some of it's still...too much. They've got recordings, some I've seen and some I haven't. When I see them, I feel like I'm right back there,"

Hayley wrapped her arm around his as they continued walking around the park by the Washington Monument, looking over at the Smithsonian building in the distance. She couldn't imagine going to see her whole life on display for others to see, some parts of which you she no idea existed.

"It'll get easier in time,'' she assured. "But if it doesn't, that's okay. No one said you have to make peace with it,"

"I know,'' he nodded. "But I want to,"

"I'm always here if you need,'' she reminded, squeezing his arm softly.

Steve moved to wrap his arm around her shoulders, holding her close and pressing a kiss to her forehead. He knew Hayley was willing to help him in any way to get through all of this, but just like a few of her own issues, this was something he needed to deal with on his own.

There were pictures and videos of him and Bucky, of Peggy, who he had yet to find the courage to visit, and it made him feel horrible. Of everyone he loved and admired during the war, he was the only one to have this second chance.

* * *

"I shouldn't have had dessert,'' Hayley whined as she threw herself down on Steve's couch. "Why did you let me do that?"

"You're the one who said 'I'm too full' and then ordered a crème brulee," he reminded, chuckling as he sat down beside her.

Hayley groaned at that, sitting up and resting her forehead against his shoulder. She felt his hand on her leg, squeezing gently as she sighed in content.

"I don't want to go back tomorrow," she whispered.

Steve frowned, closing his eyes as he leaned his head against hers.

"Don't remind me," he murmured.

"Things are good,'' she spoke, running her fingers through Steve's hair. "It scares me,"

Steve turned to her, his brows pulled together in concern as he gazed into her eyes.

"Why?"

"Last time things were good between us, I ruined it," she recalled. "I don't know why I do it, but every time something's just right, I destroy it,"

Steve reached up and slid his hand to the back of her neck, pulling her lips to meet his. She felt the urgency in the kiss mixed with the gentleness of his touch, and she melted into his arms.

"That's not gonna happen," he assured, his forehead against hers.

"I really don't want to lose you," she shook her head, her eyes closing as involuntary tears began to form.

"Hey, you won't. You _won't_," he promised, running his thumb along her cheek.

Hayley nodded as he repeated his words to her, kissing her forehead and pecking her lips continually until the tears disappeared from her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she sniffled. "For everything,"

"Don't do that,'' Steve shook his head.

"No, I need to say it and I need you to listen,'' she insisted. "I'm sorry for everything I did to us. I'm sorry I pushed you away, I'm sorry I ran from this, and I'm sorry that I put you through what I did,''

Steve had a pained look on his face as he watched Hayley apologize, knowing just how distressed it was making her to relive these past few months. The person she became after everything she went through didn't need to be apologized for.

"You don't need to be," he shook his head softly.

"I've been a really shitty person,'' she breathed.

Wrapping his arm around her again, Steve pulled Hayley into his chest and kissed the top of her head. He could feel her chest moving rapidly, little sobs and deep breaths escaping her lips. This was all something that had been built up inside of her, and all Steve could do right now was let her get it out. She needed him to listen, and so he did.

* * *

It was late that night when Hayley emerged from the shower wrapped in a towel, her damp hair hanging over one side of her shoulder and a content smile on her lips. It felt good to open up to Steve the way she did, and to have Steve hold her and listen to her as she let it all out was just what she needed.

Steve laid in bed shirtless, his eyes closed until he heard the opening of the bathroom door. He couldn't help the sputter of his heart when he looked up to see her almost bare in front of him with a happy smile on her lips.

"Feel better?'' he asked with a shaky breath.

"Much better," she nodded, crawling onto the bed to lay against his chest.

Steve's arms went around her, holding her close. He could smell the coconut in her shampoo and the soapiness of her skin, breathing in deeply.

"You don't have to leave straight away tomorrow, do you?" he asked.

"Mm, nope,'' she answered. "I'm all yours until four tomorrow afternoon,"

"All mine, huh?" he smirked.

"Mm hmm. And as much as I've loved exploring this place, I really won't want to leave the apartment until I have to,"

Rolling Hayley over, Steve hovered over her with the smirk still on his face, listening to her amused chuckle and mischievous glance.

"I have no problems with that,"

* * *

**Hey guys - just letting you know I'm planning to only have another chapter or so until this story is complete.  
I do have plans for a second story with The Winter Soldier storyline and I'd love it if you guys could drop me a review letting me know if you like the way the story is going so far (re: Steve/Hayley relationship) and if you would be interested in a sequel Winter Soldier story. THANK YOU GUYS xxx**


	45. Chapter 45

_I've never been a captain.  
Always been a sailor.  
And until the sea releases me,  
a sailor I will remain._

* * *

It was in the middle of their two week training course that SHIELD's defense unit was called out on duty. Commander Brennan had rallied up the team in the early hours of the morning for their three a.m flight to Austria. SHIELD's base, although small, had been discovered by rogue agents and a secret organization. Inside were only three SHIELD engineers working on equipment.

Ten of the defense soldiers had been called in. Although Hayley had volunteered immediately, alongside Private Olivia Henderson. Hayley had taken quite a liking to the new recruit, noticing just how similar they were. They both pushed through every obstacle, determined to beat their own record and feat on each training course, and especially determined to get to work.

"I really can't remember if I locked my apartment," Henderson admit with a small yawn as she tightened the laces on her boot.

"You're in the SHIELD facility, right? Doors lock now after ten minutes," Hayley informed.

"Jesus, you're kidding. What _do _we have control of in there?"

Hayley laughed, nodding in agreement as she reached down to take a swig of her water bottle. They were all in the middle of getting geared up, nearing their arrival. Hayley pulled black gloves over both her hands, checking that her gun was loaded and making sure ammunition was strapped to her belt.

"ETA fifteen minutes," Commander Brennan announced.

They all nodded in understanding, finishing their checks. All they had to do was exit the jet, infiltrate the area around the base, contain the threat. Easy enough. But Hayley knew better than to assume.

* * *

Steve clenched his fists and stretched his arms as he sat in one of the many debriefing rooms at the Triskellion. As leader of the Tactical Unit, Steve was in charge of the mission reports and making sure all protocol was followed. But it was very different to being out on the field. It was a whole other job, one that he didn't enjoy at all.

Every part of their missions would be analyzed by higher above in the SHIELD ranking, but thankfully Steve did his job well each time. It didn't matter how big or small the assignment was, Steve made sure no corner were cut and everything was done properly. It reminded him of the missions he coordinated with Bucky during the war.

"You're back early," Natasha commented from the door as she walked into the room, arms folded.

"Went better than expected," he nodded, continuing his report. "You're early too,"

"Mm, would've been sooner if the bomb didn't go off in the basement of the building,'' she sighed, taking a seat across from him. "Slowed us down,"

"Anyone injured?"

"A few bruises and sprains,"

Steve sighed and pushed the laptop and papers away from him, squeezing his eyes shut before opening them again and adjusting to the sun shining in through the window.

Natasha watched him closely, laying her arms on the rests of the chair. She could always tell when there was something on his mind. She could tell when there was something on everyone's mind, but Steve was so much easier to read than he thought. Especially to a spy like Natasha.

"Trouble sleeping, Cap?'' she asked, a small smirk on her lips. She knew how it annoyed him when she picked at his thoughts. "I thought you would have been in better spirits after O'Connor's visit,"

"I'm sleeping fine," he told her with a small frown, giving her a warning look before turning his attention back to the report. "It's been a long day,"

"Did you show her around the city?'' Natasha prodded. "Washington Monument? White House?"

"I didn't think you liked conversation," Steve huffed. "Not personal, anyway,"

"I like conversations with some people," she defended.

With a glance back at the redhead, Steve nodded.

"Yeah, we walked around all of that,"

"So it was a nice weekend?"

"Yeah, really good,"

"Enjoyable?" she smirked again, this time knowing Steve was going to blush bright red. "Don't get so worked up Rogers,"

With a shake of his head and once again pushing his work away from him, Steve sat back into the chair and look over to her with a shrug of his shoulders.

"What do you want?'' he questioned, rather annoyed.

"You're in a terrible mood,'' she pointed out. "And you'll be in a terrible mood until you get whatever it is off your chest,"

"And you want me to tell you?''

Natasha hummed to herself, looking down the glass corridor to see more agents walking by, mixed in with groups of men in suits.

"It gets lonely around here, especially on your own. You need to talk and I'm lending an ear,'' she explained. "Which is more than I tend to offer,"

Steve sighed, rubbing his temples.

"I'm not in a bad mood," he cleared up. "I'm just…I'm worried about her,"

Natasha already knew this was going to involve Hayley.

"What for?"

"I haven't heard from her in two days. I know it's not long, but usually we'll call every night, check in. But…nothing,"

"She's a soldier Steve, she's probably out on duty," Natasha summed up.

"And she probably is. But I can't being worried," he shook his head. "And I shouldn't, because I know she's good at her job and I know she knows what she's doing when she goes out there,"

"That happens when you're in love,'' Natasha shrugged. "There's always going to be this voice in your head now that wonders where she is and what could be wrong,"

"Especially living in different cities," he added.

"You want her to move here?"

"What? No, no," he shook his head. "I mean, it would be great to see her every day, I would never get sick of that. But it's not what she wants,"

"You asked?''

"I don't need to. She fought so hard to get back out on the field and she made a huge decision going back to defense. I would never ask her to walk away from that, ever."

Natasha nodded and stretched out her legs under the table, leaning in closer and resting her elbows against the desk.

"Distance isn't always a bad thing," she reminded. "Makes the heart grow fonder, so I'm told,"

* * *

It was late in the afternoon when Hayley managed to limp back to her apartment. Every bone in her body ached from being kicked around by the rogue agents, getting up and fighting back, taking hits all over. But although the mission had gone longer than planned and their stay had been extended in case of further attacks, they had eventually secured the SHIELD base.

As much as her body ached, Hayley was satisfied. It was as if a craving had been fulfilled. She had completed her first mission back in defense and it only solidified her choice to be there.

"Shit, shit, shit," she muttered, pulling off her vest and shirt, careful of the quick forming bruises.

Once her gear was off, thrown around the floor of her apartment, Hayley walked over to the couch and laid herself down. Dressed in only her bra and underwear, she was surprised she couldn't feel the extent of the cold weather.

She had left her cell phone sitting on the coffee table and once she saw it, it took all her strength to reach over and grab it. There were three missed calls from Steve – two yesterday and one this morning – that made her immediately want to call him. There were also two missed calls from her parents and one from Blake.

_Hi sweetie, just thought we'd check in and make sure you can still make it out home next week. Just let us know, Elliot would like to come over for dinner while you're here. _

_Hayley, it's mom again. You must be out, you haven't called back from this morning, I'll try you again tomorrow honey. Hope you're well, we love you._

Her mom's voice was ceased by the beeping of the voicemail. She would call her back in the morning to confirm she was going to visit. Maybe earlier considering the ten defense soldiers were out for the rest of the week's training.

_Jesus O'Connor, when's the last time I called you and you actually answered? Do you even take your cell with you? Listen, me and Laura are gonna be in Chicago next week and I know you were planning to visit the folks so we thought we'd come by for dinner one night, I'm in Frances's bad books because I don't stop by enough. Anyway, we'd really like to see you there and fill you in on some things. Call me back if you ever listen to this._

Fill her in? On what? His voice didn't sound like it was anything to worry about, and she knew if there was something wrong he would have gotten SHIELD to contact her for him. He would be another call she returned in the morning.

For now, she would settle with just one call for the night.

"Hayley?" Steve answered, his voice almost out of breath.

"Hey, did I get you at a bad time?" she asked, shifting her body on the couch to ease her throbbing pains.

"No, no I was just out for a run," he cleared up, his voice slowly returning to normal. "I uh, tried to call a few times but I figured you'd been called out,"

"I was, but it wasn't meant to be a two day op," she groaned, lifting a pillow beneath her head.

"Are you alright?" he asked, hearing the struggle in her voice.

"Yeah, just tired," she yawned, easing his worries. "Wasn't expecting an assignment in the middle of training,"

"Everything go okay?'' he questioned, wanting to ask more but knowing there was only so much she could tell him.

"Yeah, we just stayed a little longer to keep watch," she explained. "It was good to be out doing that again, helping,"

"I'm just glad you're where you want to be,"

"I am, definitely," she smiled. "But I sure haven't missed the post-op aches and pains,"

"As long as you take care of yourself now you're back," he reminded. "Take a hot shower,"

"I will, when I can be bothered to move again," she chuckled lightly. "How's everything in D.C?"

And with that Steve began to fill her in on his days, the reports, and the tac team. He didn't know how much he needed to get off his chest and there was no one he could be more open or honest with than Hayley.

* * *

"Mom," Hayley groaned. "Please let me in, it's freezing,"

Frances let go of her daughter for a moment to let them both inside the house, closing out the chilly air before once again wrapping her arms around Hayley once again. Letting go of her bags, Hayley hugged her mother back with just as much desperation.

David had come up to them and wrapped his arms around the two of them, holding them close. Their family was back together again, for however short a duration, and it finally felt like home again.

"Oh it's so good to see you sweetie," David kissed his daughter's forehead. "It's nice to have you home,"

"It's good to be home," Hayley hugged him in return. "Even if it's like a sauna in here,"

"You'll get used to it," her mother advised. "Take your coat off, we've got dinner coming out of the oven soon,"

"I told you not to cook," Hayley shook her head.

"Elliot and Laura are coming in tonight," her father explained.

Hayley looked at him, confused.

"I thought they were coming on Tuesday night?"

"Something came up, they're in town at the moment and asked if tonight would work and your mother's been dying to cook a roast,"

Frances was already heading in toward the kitchen to check on the numerous items she had in the oven and on the stove, happy to have a full dinner table tonight. David gave his daughter a smile and Hayley nodded in return, knowing it made her mother happy to be so busy.

Climbing up the stairs, Hayley rounded the corner to push open her bedroom door. The same posters hung on the walls above her purple and blue bed covers, making her smile in reminiscence. Plopping her bags down by her wardrobe, she chose to sit down and take a few moments to herself.

Her legs and sides still ached from the mission and the training they had all gone through days before, but it was an ache she could deal with. The last thing she needed to do was give her parents reason to worry over her, especially since they had lost so much sleep over her mission in Russia.

They needed to be reassured that she was safe in what she was doing. But it was an assurance Hayley could never fully give. But she would try.

"So how have you been honey?" David asked when Hayley joined them in the kitchen.

"Busy, mostly," Hayley sighed, leaning down on the table. "But that's how I like it,"

"Not too busy I hope,'' Frances chimed in. "You still need time for your own life,"

"Mom, my life isn't as exciting as you keep thinking it is," Hayley reminded.

"I'm just saying, it's important to have time away from all of that," she continued.

"You mean my job?"

"I just thought you would be cutting back on it, that's all,"

"Why? You know it's what I want to do," Hayley argued calmly.

David watched the interaction between the two, knowing that sooner or later something was going to explode between them.

"I know that, it's just…after what happened-"

"Mom, let's not go there, okay?"

"Fine, fine we won't talk about it," Frances held her hands up.

A few moments later the doorbell rang, Hayley jumping off her place on the kitchen stool to go answer the door. But after so many times of being told, Blake had let himself and Laura inside, meeting Hayley in the hall between the living room and the kitchen.

"Blake!" Hayley rushed toward him, throwing her arms around his shoulders and hugging him tight.

"Missed you too O'Connor," he laughed, hugging her tight in return.

"Where's Laura?" she asked once they stood apart.

Blake smiled, moving to the side for Hayley to see Laura approaching from down the hall. Then it made sense. His phone call the other night. The something that he needed to fill her in about.

"Oh my god," Hayley's mouth hung open, a huge grin spreading onto her lips.

Laura smiled back at her, her hand stretched out over her very round and obviously pregnant stomach. Blake laughed at her response, turning back to his best friend with the happiest smile she had ever seen on him.

"Yeah, we've got quite a bit to catch up on,"

* * *

**Hey guys, from the response to the fact I only have few chapters left on this story, there is a big chance I will be doing a second story following the Winter Soldier plot. Still, I would really love from feedback from you guys in regards to that - if you guys would like to read the second story and if so, what would you like to be included as I really want to write the angles that you guys want to see.  
But for now, thanks for reading! **


	46. Chapter 46

_When I was a child I'd sit for hours_  
_staring into open flames_  
_Something in it had a power,_  
_could barely tear my eyes away_

* * *

In four shorts months, Blake and Laura were going to be parents. To a little boy or girl, they weren't sure yet, but there was no denying just how overly excited and beyond happy they were. They had kept it quiet for so long without intention, settling into their new lives and juggling their own careers.

"This wasn't something I wanted to tell you over the phone," Blake explained to Hayley once they had a moment alone on the porch.

"I get it," Hayley nodded. "I'm just glad I'm in on this little secret now,"

"Well, can't really keep it a secret when Laura looks like she's about to pop already," Blake laughed, turning slightly. "Don't tell her I said that,"

Hayley laughed, shoving her friend's shoulder playfully.

"You're gonna have one chubby baby," she added. "And they're going to be the cutest thing you've ever laid eyes on,"

"I know," he grinned, looking out at the cold night. "I tell you what O'Connor, you can put me in the middle of a warzone or facing off against aliens again any time you'd like. But put me up against being a father…I might just have a heart attack,"

The fear in his words made Hayley looked at him with worry. There was no doubt in her mind that Blake would be an amazing father.

"Hey, you've got nothing to be scared about," she assured, putting her hand on his shoulder. "I mean, sure, a _baby _is a terrifying thing to have responsibility of. You've got to change it, feed it, make sure it gets enough rest, make sure they're healthy, keep them away from-"

"You just said I had nothing to be scared about!" Blake panicked.

"_You _don't," she insisted. "You're so good at taking care of people Blake, you've got an example sitting right beside you,"

With a small and nervous smile, Blake looked to her with a shake of his head.

"I'm serious. I have no idea where I would be without you this past year," she added. "You are the strongest and most caring person I know. And that little baby is the luckiest baby in the whole world to have you as their dad because they're never going to grow up feeling unloved or afraid, ever."

Hayley could see Blake's eyes welling with tears and his face scrunching up in an effort to keep them from falling, but it was no use.

Blake never had the happy childhood that Hayley spoke of. His parents were separated for as long as he could remember and on opposite sides of the country. He was the result of an unhappy relationship, and he had felt that shame his whole life.

The O'Connor's were more of a family to him than his own by far.

"I'm scared," he admit, his voice soft.

"That's okay," she assured with a smile, wrapping her arms around him. "But you're not doing this on your own. Remember that. And you've got a hell of a partner to do this with,"

Blake laughed, nodding in agreement.

"You like her, don't you?" he chuckled.

"I love her," Hayley corrected. "She can keep up with you and everything you get yourself into,"

"Hey, she's a feisty lady, it's not just me that's a wild card," he warned.

Hayley laughed, imagining what their baby was going to be like. Taking after either of them was going to result in a little troublemaker, but even then, Hayley couldn't wait to meet them.

* * *

Two days later, the sun finally came out. Snow had begun to fall earlier in the week, but it was in the early stages of piling up on the lawn and taking over the footpaths. So Hayley spent her morning alternating between jogging and sprinting around her neighborhood before returning home and beginning sets of push-ups, sit-ups and crunches.

Frances was still sitting on the back porch drinking her tea and finishing breakfast, wondering how long her daughter had been awake. David sat by her side reading the newspaper, looking up every few minutes to see Frances continuing to stare at Hayley.

"She doesn't like it when you eye her like that," David warned.

"Like what?" Frances asked defensively.

"You know what," he sighed. "I told you not to start any arguments about this,"

"We agreed not to bring up her job until she had settled back into life after that horrible mission," Frances corrected. "I think it's been long enough,"

"It doesn't matter how long you wait Fran, you _know _this is what she wants to do. It's what she's always wanted to do, and talking her out of it now will do as much good as talking her out of it when she started,"

_Frances was holding a letter as Hayley walked into the house one evening, heading straight to the refrigerator for an ice cold bottler of water after her run. _

_"You've got a letter," Frances whispered. _

_Hayley wandered over, looking down at the paper in front of her mother. It was from the United States Armed Forces, and it was open._

_"Mom," Hayley sighed, pinching the bridge above her nose in frustration. "If the letter has my name on it, you don't get to rip it open!"_

_"The military Hayley!" Frances slammed her fist down on her table. "How could you do this? After you've seen your father go through hell after he served and your own brother shipped off God knows where!"_

_"I told you this is what I wanted to do mom, we talked about this," Hayley tried to remain calm._

_"We did, and I told you not to do it,"_

_"It's not your decision,"_

_"You're my daughter. My only daughter, and I won't have you fighting in the military,"_

_"Because I'm your daughter? Because I'm a woman?" Hayley scoffed, hands going to her hips._

_"You can do anything with your life Hayley-"_

_"And I'm choosing this! I want to fight for my country, I want to defend everything dad went through to protect it!" Hayley yelled. _

_"I've seen what it does Hayley, I don't want that for you," Frances shook her head, trying to talk sense into her daughter. "I couldn't stop Nicholas, but I cannot let you do this,"_

_Hayley could feel a lump rising in her throat. She saw every worry and fear her mother held for her, but it didn't change the fact that Hayley didn't want to do anything else with her life. She could have been a teacher, a doctor, anything other than a soldier would have made her mother happy. _

_But she couldn't live her life keeping others happy. There was one thing in this world Hayley wanted to do and that was to fight for everyone who couldn't. _

_"Did you read the letter?" Hayley asked quietly._

_Frances nodded, handing over the paper for Hayley to scan over. _

_In three days she would depart for military training. In two months she would be deployed. _

Back then, there was no stopping Hayley just as there was no stopping her brother. Now, Frances and David were without a son, and months ago they came close to being without a daughter.

"She should be living like Elliot," Frances whispered. "She should be settling down, living in a home with a big yard and a loving husband, starting a family,"

"She can have that life whenever she wants it," David assured. "You can't push her,"

"I may be able to accept that she wants to be in a firefight each day for a living, but I can't deal with the thought of her letting her life slip through her fingers,"

* * *

It was when Hayley returned downstairs from her shower that Frances brought up one of the matters Hayley knew she would.

"So, how's Steve going?" Frances asked, pouring her daughter a glass of juice. "The last I heard, you were going to visit for the weekend,"

Hayley braced herself for the overwhelming amount of questions her mother was going to ask as the conversation went on.

"He's good," she answered with a nod, accepting the juice. "Busy, working, but he's great,"

"And you two…" Frances began, a knowing look on her face. "Seeing one another?"

"I see him many times mom. He has blue eyes and blonde hair," Hayley answered with a smirk.

Frances rolled her eyes.

"You know what I mean Hayley. He's a lovely man, not only for what he's done for our country but for how he treats you," Frances explained. "He cares about you a lot,"

"You don't know Steve mom,"

"I know him enough to know that. The way he looked at you, just like any man in love,"

"Mom," Hayley groaned. "What Steve and I have is between us,"

"Alright, alright," her mother held up her hands. "I'm not trying to pry,"

Hayley sighed and looked up at her mother guiltily. They didn't often see one another or have these one-on-on moments together, and here she was blocking her mother out.

"We're…together," she admit softly. "It's new and…that's it,"

Frances grinned at her daughter, nodding and turning her attention back to brewing her second cup of tea. Hayley noticed that the grin didn't leave her mother's face, walking around the kitchen looking overly happy.

It gave the woman hope. Her daughter may have taken a different path in life than Frances would have liked, but she could see get the happy life she always dreamed for her in the end. At least she hoped.

* * *

It was another week until Hayley and Steve were finally reunited once more. Steve had taken on a mission near New York with specific intention to be with Hayley for a few days once it was over. But since Hayley had surprised him on her last visit to Washington, he decided to the same.

Hayley had arrived back in her apartment one evening after her regular training in the facility rooms when she saw a figure sitting by her window. Steve was glad she could tell it was him instead of an intruder, knowing that he would not have enjoyed being on the other side of Hayley's assaults.

"Please tell me you're not leaving in the morning," Hayley groaned, resting her chin on Steve's chest as they laid together on the couch.

"You're stuck with me for two days," Steve grinned, his hand reaching down to stroke over her hair soothingly.

Turning her head again and closing her eyes, Hayley let herself melt into Steve's embrace. Her body was stretched out over his and Steve's arms held her tight, one hand running up and down her back. Steve too had his eyes closed, head laid back on the couch cushion. It was so peaceful, they both hated that they had to ever do anything but this.

Hayley had filled Steve in about Blake's news a few days after she had arrived in Chicago, but now that he was here, they were both reliving the shock.

"He'll be a great dad," Steve commented. "There's no doubt about that,"

"He will be," Hayley agreed. "I honestly think his whole life was preparing to be a father. Chasing Nick's out of control ass around, babysitting me, it was all getting him ready for this,"

"Do you think he'll change much? Being a dad?" Steve wondered.

"I think he'll be the same goofball he's always been," Hayley smiled. "But a _much _more sleep-deprived version,"

Steve chuckled, nodding in agreement.

"Mm, I'd imagine he would be. I guess that's part of the role,"

"That and ten million other things," she added.

And before Steve realized the weight of his question, he asked.

"Do you ever think about it?"

Hayley's head turned upwards, her hands moving to prop her chin up, looking up at him in thought. He was asking a question reserved for the later stages of a relationship, but since they never really operated within the confines of traditional relationship milestones, Hayley wasn't alarmed.

"I used to," she admit. "When I was a teenager and could imagine myself living a happy life like my parents. But the more I fought, the more I saw, the less I wanted it. I'm not…I can't see myself being a mother,"

"I know what you mean," Steve sighed, once again running a hand down her back. "I feel like the time when I did want all of that was left back there,"

They both fell into silence after that, the only sound their slow and steady breaths as they continued to hold one another and begin to drift off into unconsciousness. All the while on their mind was the future they imagined now, so far from the future they once thought of.

* * *

**Thanks for continuing to read guys, we're close to the end of this story now.  
Working on beginning Part II of this. I'd really love you guys to let me know what you'd like to see in The Winter Soldier plot, so leave a review if you're interested in following that story and with any ideas you have!**

**Happiest of New Year's to you guys! xxx **


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